Shy Doesn’t Have to Mean Alone: Help Your Shy Kid Join the Fun

If your child is shy, chances are he was born with a more introverted, sensitive personality. So this is not about trying to turn him into an extrovert. After all, you can’t change your child’s personality and natural temperament. But you can help your child learn the skills he needs (and deserves) to feel more comfortable and confident with other kids. And that is doable because of this fact: shyness doesn’t have to be debilitating. So let’s focus on what you can do to enhance your kid’s abilities to find, make, and keep friends. Here are secrets from THE BIG BOOK OF PARENTING SOLUTIONS to help a shy child fit in and feel more comfortable in social situations.

1. Model eye contact. One of the most common traits of well-liked kids use is that they use eye contact. In fact the average person spends 30 to 60 percent of the time looking at the other person’s face. As you’re talking with your child say: “Look at me.” or “Put your eyes on my eyes.” or “I want to see your eyes.” If your kid is uncomfortable about using eye contact, tell her: “Look at the bridge of my nose.”
2. Praise prior success. It’s natural for a shy child to focus on past failures. So help her recall previous experiences when things went really well. “Remember last year’s swimming lessons? You begged not to go, but did and met a new friend.” “Before you went to Sara’s birthday party last month you wanted to stay home. But when you agreed to stay at least a half an hour and you ended up one of the last ones to leave.”
3. Reinforce smiling! One of the most common characteristics of confident, well-liked kids is that they smile and smile. So whenever your child displays a smile, reinforce it: “What a great smile!” or “That smile of yours always wins people over.” Also, point out how your child’s smile affects others: “Do see how kids smile back when you smile?” “That little boy saw your smile and came over to play. Your smile let him know you were friendly.”
4. Debrief a stressful event. If your kid has had a really embarrassing attack of shyness find a time to discuss what happened and she could handle it better next time. “It sounds like you really didn’t like being with so many kids. What if you only invite one friend at a time?” “So what really bugged you was asking Kevin face to face. Why not ask him on the phone next time?”
5. Reinforce any social efforts. Any and every effort your child makes to be even a tad more social deserves a pat on the back: “I saw how you walked up to that new boy today. Good for you!” “I noticed that you really made an effort to say hello to Sheila’s mom. She looked so pleased!”
6. Schedule warm up time. Some kids take longer to warm up in a social setting, so give your child time to settle in. Be patient and don’t push too quickly. Let her watch a bit, figure out what’s up, and set her own time frame to join in.
7. Help him fit in. All kids need to feel as comfortable as possible when they’re with their friends. So make sure your son or daughter has a cool hair cut, the “in” pair of sneakers, backpack, jacket, or pair of jeans. It can make a big difference in boosting a kid’s comfort level.
8. Rehearse social situations. Prepare your kid for an upcoming social event by describing the setting, expectations, and other kids who will be there. Then help him practice how to meet others, table manners, making small talk, and even how to say good-bye. Doing so will decrease some of the anxiety he’s bound to have from being in a new setting. Hint: A shyer child often feels less threatened practicing social skill with a younger, more immature kids than children his own age.
9. Create One-To-One Time. Many kids can be overwhelmed in groups, so limit the number of friends to one at a time. Then gradually increase the number as she gains confidence.

Remember: your role is not to try and change your child’s basic temperament and personality but instead to help him warm up, open up, and join the fun having friends can bring. Simple, little changes can reap big results.

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Dr Borba’s new book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

Special Siblings: How a Child Sees Special Needs

The other day my three children and I got into a discussion about special needs kids. They all go to a charter school with a mission statement of inclusion, and many special needs students are enrolled there. There are “paras” in each class – paraprofessionals who assist these special students. Each class has space for three special needs children. My 6-year-old son commented that his kindergarten class only has two of these kids.

I was shocked. His class does have three special needs kids – the third one is his twin sister! I told him this gently, not wanting to make a big deal about it. But he argued with me, saying that his sister didn’t need any help like that. The other two students in his class can have extreme behavior even though they have completely different conditions.

Since they are twins my son came along to every therapy session, doctor’s appointment, assessment and specialist. He was right there beside her for the entire journey – special equipment, toys, bottles, shoes and more. People came in and out of our house to work with her. We went to an inclusion mommy and me program and preschool. But he doesn’t remember most of it since he was a baby. As he got older, I guess he didn’t question it. I know he and his older brother get a little jealous because the rules are sometimes different for her, but for the most part she is just their sister.

For more on siblings of special needs kids:

• Check out the book by Holly Robinson Peete and her daughter at Amazon.com
• Here is a great article from the University of Michigan on Siblings of Special Need Kids
• Article from New York Times 2006
• Also, most Counseling centers and Regional Centers have support groups for siblings

If you have a special needs child have you dealt with situations like this?

Flossing Your Kid’s Teeth – Just 3 Simple Steps

I have talked a lot about the importance of good oral hygiene and starting healthy habits with your kids at a young age. Hopefully you now know the importance of kids starting their daily routines at a young age. This includes not only tooth brushing but also flossing.

Flossing is a step that a lot of parents neglect because they don’t understand the importance or it feel like too much work. However, you should start flossing your kids teeth between 2 and 3 years of age. They will need your help for a few years but don’t even be surprised if they are 8 years old when they can finally floss without any assistance.

Why floss you ask? Flossing is very important for several reasons. First of all it removes plaque that builds up between your child’s teeth and secondly it removes plaque from the gum line. Neither of which a tooth brush will typically be able to reach.

Flossing should be done at least one time per day and shouldn’t take much longer than a couple of minutes. If you have detailed questions about what to do, consult your child’s dentist.

A few little tips that may make flossing more exciting for young children is to find flavored or colored floss and let them pick out their favorite. This will help them be anxious to use their floss.

3 Simple Steps:

1. Use approximately an 18 inch strand of floss
2. Let them wrap their floss around their middle fingers on both hands
3. Gently guide the floss in between each tooth moving it around the tooth and on under the gum line on each side

This is also a great time to make sure Mom and Dad get their daily flossing in! As always, we teach best by setting an example. Make a few minutes at the end of your day to floss with your children for happier, healthier smiles!

Ticks and Lyme Disease: a Pediatrician’s Perspective

Lyme disease has gotten a bad name. Originally described in Connecticut and New York, on the coast, near the town of Old Lyme, it was found to be carried by the deer tick (the vector), a far less common tick than the tree or dog tick. It now has also been found in most parts of the country and cannot be transmitted from person to person. The deer tick is very small, about the size of the head of a pin, and as opposed to a wood (dog) tick will not engorge with the blood of other mammals, so it is often times very difficult to see when scanning the skin. This tick must remain attached and feeding for 24 to 48 hours before it is capable of transmitting disease. Only about 5% of tick bites with the deer tick in an endemic area will result in Lyme disease in the human. Ticks and tick bites are far more common during the summer months so that is when your powers of observation need to be finely tuned. You should carefully examine your children at least twice a day for the presence of any tick attached to your child’s skin. Be sure to look in those places not easy to observe such as the scalp, between the fingers and toes, and in the pubic and the perineal areas (between the genital area and the anus).

When found, these ticks should be removed from the skin by applying a tweezer to the mouth parts firmly very close to the skin, and with firm steady traction (not sudden and jerky) pull the tick from the skin. You may leave some dark mouth parts in skin; don’t try to remove them but cleanse the area well with soap and water and treat as you would for any abrasion or cut. Those mouth parts may very well come out on their own or may remain and not cause a problem. Of course these areas can become secondarily infected ( as any cut or abrasion might) with bacteria and that would result in redness, swelling, warmth over the area and pain or tenderness Since ticks actually breathe very infrequently the idea of smothering them with petroleum jelly or other thick substance would not be practical. Do not try to burn them off with a heated pin or freshly lit match head as the only thing you will probably burn is your child’s skin.

If the disease is transmitted to your child (let me point this out again, this is rare) a mild illness with feverinitially might occur in some, this is more likely not the case however, and chronic long term vague illness is also not necessarily what you will see. The rash of Lyme’s disease also does not occur in all cases and is fairly characteristic: initially a reddened bump that subsequently clears in the middle leaving a red ring that slowly and inexorably enlarges. Sometimes there is more than one ring and other times that ring may enlarge significantly to cover entire body parts and extend to others. As a result, it is sometimes difficult to recognize this as a ring. There are blood tests that can detect the presence of Lyme disease but these might not be positive for several weeks. Treatment is easily accomplished through the use of an antibiotic for 21 – 28 days and there is time to begin treatment, up to a week to 10 days without fear of the disease progressing. The antibiotics used are common to everyone generally without side effects: Amoxicillin for young children and doxycycline (a form of tetracycline) for children 8-10 years and older.

This is a diagnoses made usually on clinical grounds; that is as a result of your child’s doctor’s experience in light of a certain constellation of signs and symptoms. Checking the tick for the presence of Lyme disease (if you have the tick) is not recommended and neither is preventive treatment if living in a high density tick area. There are reports of “chronic Lyme disease” and the treatment of such a suspected occurrence is not clear- probably the services of a specialist (infectious disease) should be sought.

Summary– Lyme disease is not very common even though you may hear of cases in your area. If you are concerned after a tick bite take your child to his/her doctor and he/she will make the diagnosis and suggest treatment if necessary. Check your child twice a day for the presence of any ticks and remove as described above. There is plenty of time to begin treatment and the antibiotics used are well tolerated; once treated it is not recommended to repeat lab work if done originally, and it can be assumed that the illness is gone and will not leave long lasting problems.