Easing Your Little One’s Separation Anxiety

Last updated on November 24th, 2025 at 06:17 pm

Leaving our children for any reason (going back to work, etc.) is tough, but when we know they feel insecure it can be heartbreaking. Do know there are solutions you can do now to help ease the pain and help your young child feel more secure in your absence. The key is to slowly start implementing these tips in advance (potentially even several weeks before if you know when you will be leaving). Find what works for your family and then turn the strategy into a goodbye routine. Routines and structure are known quantities to help kids feel more secure.

Step 1. Prepare Your Child For Short Goodbyes

Provide a “lovey”

Give a security blanket, cuddly stuffed animal or some kind of “security substitute” for your baby to use in your absence. It is a way for your toddler to soothe herself when you’re not there. And here is interesting research on the power of those most-loved security objects.

REALITY CHECK: Does your toddler have a comfy? If not, you may want to consider giving her one now to help ease separation anxieties. For over three decades Richard H. Passman, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, has studied children and security objects. His research finds that tots who are more insecure but strongly attached to their beloved blankies, seem to adjust better in stressful situations. Those adored blankies and well-worn teddy bears (or whatever else is your little one has latched onto) really are great security builders, and that’s regardless of just how strong your child is attached to you. But an even more interesting study finding is this, If you had a blankie as a tot, your child is more than likely have one as well. Those comforting memories of our security blankets just never seem to fade.

For a slightly older child, cut a corner of the blanket for her to put into her pocket and carry. It works wonders for kindergarteners who have relied on that blankey but can’t carry it into that classroom. For an older child, try finding a special small object like a pebble or shell (or whatever). The child puts it in his pocket and each time he touches it, tell him you’re thinking about him.

Create secure transitions

Start several weeks before you leave by practicing good-byes with your little one. Start with just saying goodbye when it’s just the two of you. Then just leave a bit to go to the next room and pop back in with a big hello. Your child will begin to realize “Mommy does return.”

Step 2. Gradually Introduce the Child to the Caregiver

Find a caregiver now

Help your child learn to trust the caregiver with the three of you together. Just little doses of getting to know the new giver ahead of time will help when the official goodbye finally comes. The sitter, you and child can do brief little activities together. Your goal is to allow the sitter to slowly have more and more alone time with your child.

Pass on “what works” to your caregiver

You know your child better than anyone. So pass on your child’s special signals to that sitter. What works to soothe your child? What is your child’s sleep, eating and play routine? What comforts your child? If your child speaks or uses sign, translate any words that only you know to your sitter and day-care prover. If you are dropping your child off to the sitter’s home, bring a few of your child’s comfort objects.

Record your voice

Sing your little one’s favorite song or reading Goodnight Moon or Pat the Bunny or other favorite song so the caregiver can play it when you leave. The next time you’re singing with your child just push the record button on that tape recorder. Then leave it with care-sitter or grandma to use. This idea works especially well if you have to leave on a longer trip.

Skyping or calling at a set time can also help. Draw a clock face with the time you will call each night you are away and make sure you call at that set time. Routines help children!

Step 3. Use the “Right Way” to Say Goodbye

Don’t dawdle – or give in!

Your child’s tears and wails can wear you down. But studies find children’s anxiety will actually increase if you draw out your separation or make too big of a deal about your leaving. So be definite about leaving –and no changing your mind. Toddlers, preschoolers and school-age kids alike (and let’s throw teens into the mix!) are smart and will quickly figure out what antics will work, and will pull those next time around to make you stay.

Hold back the tears

Your distress will distress your child. A young child can read your sad concerned emotions and copy them. It’s best to have a cool and confident approach (even if you have to fake it). That look will be easier on your child.

Don’t sneak out!

Doing so only increases your child’s anxiety. Say goodbye and then do leave.

Cuddle, hug and support when you return

Greet your child when you return. “Mommy’s back!” “It’s Dad! Let’s hug!” Then cuddle. Coo. Tickle. Hug. Play fingerplays. Sing. But if you stick to that same positive send off routine and then your “Parent’s back” return, your child will slowly come to recognize that you are coming back and feel more and more secure in your absence.

If the anxiety continues despite your efforts, please do seek the advice of a mental health provider or your pediatrician. Certain ages are more likely to trigger “separation anxiety” but the angst will gradually wane. Children who have experienced recent trauma or illness are more susceptible to anxiety. Is there something going on at home that could be triggering the concerns? If so, tune in closer to your child and seek counseling if it continues or increases.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com.

Why Does Your Child Bite …And What Can You Do?

Last updated on August 3rd, 2025 at 12:25 pm

While it’s shocking and probably embarrassing when your child bites, it’s not unusual behavior for young kids. When children are overcome with feelings such as anger, fear, frustration or disappointment, for example, because another child has possession of a toy they want, they don’t have the language to express it.

IN A NUTSHELL: 5 of the 10 reasons in Bloom – WHY KIDS BITE.

1. They do not have the language, words or ability to express what they need to say.
2. They are frustrated, upset or irritated, and biting seems to be the quickest way for them to communicate this.
3. The child is overwhelmed by sensory input when several other children are present.
4. Even though the child “knows” biting hurts on a cognitive level, he may not have developed the emotional maturity to control this urge when frustrated.
5. At a young age, biting is normal and needs to be redirected.

YOU HELP THE CHILD… by stating how he might feel and providing him with the solutions (new words, thoughts and behaviors) the child cannot find on his own. It’s important to help the child figure out, what thought, feeling or perception caused their escalation because awareness provides the opportunity to make a different choice next time.

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Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, it offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment. The first book of its kind, it provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Bloom is available at amazon.com

Parenting That Fabulous Middle Child

Last updated on April 14th, 2025 at 06:35 pm

Is the “Middle Kid Syndrome” really a problem? Not if we apply the research.

Have more than two kids? Then I’m betting you’ve heard a few of these:

“It’s like I’m stuck in the middle.”

“But I don’t want to do things like my sister.”

“I want my own stuff not these hand me downs.”

“My coach always asks why I can’t play like my brother.”

As soon as my third son was born I became very aware of the so-called “Middle Kid Syndrome.” It wasn’t hard…everyone warned me with those: “Watch out …you have a middle one now.” So I read all those birth order books and tuned into those experts warning us of the dangers of being “sandwiched in between.” I quickly learned to beware: middle kids get a bad rap. And research even proves it.

A longitudinal study from Norway involving hundreds of men found that their elder sibling is smarter by an average of 3 points IQ which can be quite significant on those SATs.

But the lead had nothing to do with genetics!

It turns out if the first born dies, the second sib takes over that IQ lead! So the reason for that IQ boost? We talk to our oldest child more, which gives them a huge edge in language development.

Research also shows (Shhhhh!) that the first born is more favored by their parents and the middle kid realizes that favoritism.

Then there’s the problem of teachers and coaches comparing the middle child unfairly to their older sibling (“Your older brother read when he was three.” “Your sister could sing in tune.”).

What’s more, they have to endure that icky label: “Oh, you’re the ‘middle’ kid.” And that isn’t enough this is the kid that gets far too many hand-me-downs. If we’re not careful this glorious child can get lost in the shuffle of their own families.

Hidden Benefits of Being “Stuck in the middle!”

It seems these middle children also learn valuable skills and perspective because of their unique position in the family. (We just may have to remind them that there are benefits, but there are a few). Studies find these benefits to being stuck in the middle that may be overlooked:

• Middle kids are generally more creative and flexible because they are trying to be different from their elder and younger sibling.
• They are also often more relaxed, independent, diplomatic, resourceful, as well as more balanced and generous than their other siblings.
• They can make great negotiators and have great people skills if we let them forge their own way.

7 Common “Middle Kid” Problems & Solutions

When the Today show asked me to report about the supposed “Middle Kid Syndrome,” I jumped at the opportunity. I reviewed all the research on middle children, but also asked a number of “ middle” moms and kids (including my own) for their take on the issue. And chime in they did! Here are seven common problems that both researchers warn us of and middle kids complain about from being sandwiched in between and parenting solutions for each hot-button issue.

No. 1. Feel less favored

Not only do middle kids pick up on which sibling is the parental favorite, but researchers (after viewing videos of parent-child interaction) confirm it.

Sixty-five percent of mothers and 70 percent of dads exhibited a preference for one child–in most cases, the older one.

The middle kid pays the price. So, though we may think we treat our kids equally, research shows otherwise.

Be honest. Do your eyes light up with the same intensity for each of your children? That’s your test.

No. 2. Overlooked and skimped on attention

The first child is always the big deal. The last is “our baby.” The poor middle kid feels overlooked. As  a result research says they can become rebellious or our little “people pleasers” to make up for what they feel is the missed attention.

• Make a big deal over their trophy (even if the eldest has one, too).
• Jump for joy that you get to go to the Christmas Pageant (again!)
• Make special time so your middle kid doesn’t feel she’s overlooked. Each child deserves his own special “firsts.”
• Keep that baby book open and ready to jot down those “firsts.”

No. 3. Hate to be compared

One of the biggest complaints of middle children is that they say they are always compared to their older sibling. “Your older brother could do that when he was three.” “Your sister liked piano.”

• No fair! Tell Aunt Harriet to bite her tongue.
• Your cardinal parenting rule is: Never compare.

No. 4. Hide true feelings

Middle kids learn to not reveal their feelings. After all, the elder sibling is usually more verbal and gets our ears. So the second child often keeps things to himself. So….

• Draw your middle one out.
• Keep the communication open.
• Ask how he’s feeling.
• And make the older one listen to the middle child’s ideas.

No. 5. Tired of playing referee

This breed is most often to be the diplomat in the family. They smooth things over and tote the family peace pipe because they hate conflicts and anger. They become fabulous little negotiators and grow up to have wonderful people skills.

But right now this kid shouldn’t have to take on the role of United Nations in his own home.

• Watch your middle child’s inclination to always smooth things over, and give in to the elder or younger siblings just to keep the peace. They can be taken advantage of and causes resentment as well as just not being fair.

No. 6. Always get the hand-me-downs!

• Okay, every once in a while is fine, but watch those: “But the coat is perfectly fine.” Or: “Your sister never played with the doll. It’s brand new.”

No. 7. Forced to follow siblings footsteps

• Let your middle kid march to his own drum and not have to hang onto the coat tails of an older sibling. Tap into your middle’s child true potential and emphasize each child’s unique strengths and true potential. These kids are usually more creative and individualistic. Draw out their natural nature.
• Sure, how our kids turn out does have a lot to do with genetics and pre-disposed temperament. But it also has to do with how they are treated by us as well as the experiences they have with their siblings. Let’s tune in a little closer to this now – there are peacekeepers with great people skills who are not afraid to march to their own drum.

P.S. As a mom of a middle kid let me assure you, they turn out not only fine, but plain wonderful.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com.

Squirmin’ Wormin’ Kids? …3 Ways You Can Help Them

Last updated on March 29th, 2025 at 04:04 pm

Brain development happens over time. As the brain matures, children often gain better control of their attention, motor inhibition and their emotional responses to social situations.

WHAT YOU CAN DO:  Here is a video along with three resources for YOUR CHILD’S BUSY BODY

1. Kids who move a lot are often seeking brain stimulation. Creating days filled with a variety of calming and alerting activities is just the ticket. For calming activities, yoga, listening to music, drawing, crafts and art are body calmers. You can find an array of activities on Lynne’s community FB. For alerting activities consider 15 minutes outside several times a day for little ones and longer periods of time for older kids.
2. Research tells us that children who exercise remain calm longer, think better and socialize with less impulsivity. So playing outside, jumping rope, playing tennis in the drive-way, walking to day camp, shooting hoops or kicking a soccer ball are all good movement morsels to sprinkle throughout the day. SPARKPE is a terrific resource for schools and families.
3. Music can be both calming and alerting, so it’s pretty magical. Playing piano (even if you aren’t very good at it) for 10 minutes at a time can re-organize the brain and the body. For your kid’s listening pleasure visit The Kiboomers or Stressfreekids.com.

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Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, it offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment. The first book of its kind, it provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Bloom is available at amazon.com

Counting Our Blessings: Proven Ways to Raise a Grateful Child

Last updated on December 9th, 2024 at 12:45 am

It’s Christmas Day…or the first night of Chanukah…or maybe it’s Thanksgiving… and your family and guests are all gathered together at your table ready for the meal to begin, but you first want folks to share their blessings. Be honest. Which scenario would best depict your reaction when it’s your children’s turn to count their blessings with the group? Would you…

A.  Beam with pride as they describe their gratitude for their life blessings?

B.   Gently remind them of things they could share?

C.   Want to die from embarrassment since your kids can’t think of anything to say?

If your kids need reminders to say “thank you”, show appreciation or take for granted thoughtful gestures, then it may be time for a gratitude makeover. Here’s another reason to do so: Studies prove that the happiest kids feel an appreciation for life—and that’s regardless of their wealth or personal circumstances. They are also more joyful, determined, optimistic, resilient, less stressed and even healthier. So if you’re a tad concerned that your kids’ attitude of gratitude needs a little boost, the good news is that science also proves there are simple strategies to do so. One of the easiest ways is by establishing family rituals where kids count their everyday blessings.

Here are a few to get you started:

• Thank You ABCs. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. You and your kids say the alphabet together but for each letter include something you are grateful for: A, Aunt Helen; B, my brother; C, my cat, and so on. Take it up a notch by explaining why they are grateful. Families with small kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is you’re having fun together and you kids are also learning to be appreciative.
• Holiday blessings. Say a prayer of thanks together before meals. Some families take turns so that each night a different member leads the prayer. Or do bedtime blessings when each child exchanges messages of appreciation for one another followed by a goodnight hug and kiss.
• Gratitude letters. Your child writes a letter to someone who has made a positive difference on his life but has probably not thanked properly in the past (such as his teacher, coach, scout master, grandparent). To maximum the impact, research says that your child should read the letter to the person face to face.
• Set limits. Having too much squelches appreciation. So fight the tendency to overindulge your child with too many things. Always giving kids what they want does not help kids learn to be grateful and appreciative of what they have.
• Gratitude journals. Another proven way to boost gratitude is by having your kids write something they feel grateful ideally four times a week and continue for at least for three weeks. Younger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful for; older kids can write in a diary or in a computer. Why not do so as a family?
• Thank your kids. Don’t overlook your kids’ daily thoughtful deeds. Just be sure to tell them what they did that you appreciate so they are more likely to copy your example and send their own “appreciation messages” to others.
• Expose your kids to the less fortunate. Face-to-face experiences can go a long way in helping kids appreciate their blessings. So find ways for you and your child to do charitable work (playing with kids in a homeless shelter, reading to the blind, building low-cost house, or delivering meals for the bed-ridden).

Remember, change is a process not a one-time activity. So stick to your commitment and find simple ways to help your child practice gratitude, reinforce any efforts and don’t give up until you get the desired change.

Happy Holidays!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

 

Election 2024: Are Our Fears Becoming Our Kids’ Phobias?

Last updated on November 17th, 2024 at 03:22 pm

“She should be impeached”… “if he is elected millions will be deported”… “no-one will be able to afford healthcare”… “our country will be bankrupt”…“if he”… “if she”…

More than any other time in recent history, Election 2024 is showing us a country divided – one that is filled with anger and hostility and fear – and our children are bearing witness. Depending on their backgrounds some of them are scared about their immigration status, or their parents having jobs, or our country being a safe place to live, or even having enough money to eat …all depending on “who wins”.   The questions are unending and appear everywhere they turn. All these know is their parents are afraid, and that is enough to rock their foundation.  This is a turning point for this generation.  If we want to create a culture of kindness, we need to fix this…before today’s fear become lifetime phobias for our kids.

When is a worry or a fear actually a phobia and what is the difference?

Fears are common and expected in childhood; however, for some children and teens, their fears can become very severe over time, and even develop into a phobia. A phobia is an intense, unreasonable or exaggerated fear of a specific object or situation.

How common are phobias in childhood?

• On average, specific phobias begin in childhood, between seven to eleven years with most cases starting before age ten.
• Approximately 5% of children and 16% of adolescents will have a specific phobia in their lifetime.

What causes phobias?

A child may have a phobia of something specific dogs, spiders, or snakes, for example. Research suggests that phobias may run in families.  Both genetic and environmental factors (life experience) can contribute to developing a phobia.

Some children and teens develop a phobia after being exposed to a traumatic or frightening event. Their concerns begin as rational, a natural reaction to a frightening event. But when the child catastrophizes the event or does not have the thinking skills to cope with or understand the event, sometimes the fear becomes larger than the situation warrants.  

How do fears and phobias affect children, as they grow older?

If a child is not helped to understand the fear and the meaning of the worry, he may feel powerless and thus may worry more. The key is to help the child feel powerful over his thoughts, feelings and experiences. The more coping skills he has, the better he will do as he grows up.

Children often fear something because they think it will cause pain or from a previous experience, should a parent push their child to overcome their fear or let it happen over time?

Research shows that children are not usually reassured out of phobias. It’s best to help your child become an expert in their own anxiety and worries. Help your child develop the analytic skills to think about their phobias in a new way. Make them “cognitive scientists.” Encourage them with thoughtful conversations that aid them in helping their brains to be calm in light of distressing experiences. Help them explore their fears or worries and then empower them to develop new thoughts, feelings and behaviors regarding their fears. Here are a few conversation starters to spark your engagement.

•   What makes you worried?
•   What do you think when you are worried?
•   What do you fear will happen?
•   How is your brain responding to your fears or worries?
•   How BIG is your worry?
•   How big is the “true threat” of what worries you?
•   How can we “think differently” about this fear?
•   What else can we say to ourselves?
•   How can you help your brain calm down?
•   How can you help your brain see this fear differently?
•   What can you say to yourself when you begin to feel worried?
•   What can you do to calm yourself down?
•   How can I help you best when you feel worried?

What is a way to change a child’s fear around and look at it as a positive?

Slowly facing the fear or worry in a safe way, builds up a sequence of new life experiences that may aid your child in developing a new perspective.

Help your child with a strategy that aids your child in evaluating the size of the true threat compared with the size of the worry. Using thermometers or balls can help in this regard. You are helping your child see how BIG the worry is.

Here is a helpful printable from our book 70 Play Activities. The election provides a real-life platform to encourage skills-based conversations with your children. So help them to think, explore, converse and problem solve instead of simply getting “caught in their worries.”

As an example, if you live in Minnesota and your child will not go out for fear of snow, it’s important for your child to know that snow is made of water, so it melts. Snow rarely causes direct damage. Help them enjoy the snow by building, playing and even bringing the snow inside for science experiments. Talk about how BIG is their worry?  Using the activity to draw, write and narrate their concerns.

Remember, phobias are “overgrown fears.” They are bigger than reality dictates. You can help your child shrink those fears down to size with collaboration and communication.

For more help on phobias here are a few books you might take a peek at.

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Written for teachers, educators, and clinicians whose work involves playing, talking or teaching children who would benefit from better executive function and social-emotional learning skills, 70 Play Activities incorporates over 100 research studies into printable worksheets, handouts, and guided scripts with step-by-step directions, to empower children to learn and behave better. “With 70 Play Activities we aim to improve the trajectory of children’s learning by integrating the newest neuroscience with activities children love!” With over 70 activities designed to improve thinking, self-regulation, learning and behavior, your tool-kit will be full and your creative brain will be inspired to craft your own meaningful exercises. 70 Play Activities is available at amazon.com