The Great Empathy Tune-Up II: 5 Strategies to Raise Caring Kids

Last updated on May 28th, 2017 at 12:11 am

The ability to empathize affects our kids’ future health, wealth, and happiness. It helps them build healthier relationships, strong character, and bounce back. It’s also what motivates our children to care.

For the past decade I’ve studied children’s character development and empathy. I’ve flown the world to interview dozens of kids and top researchers about empathy. And I’m convinced our children now – more than ever – need empathy!  

The good news?  Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.

Here are five simple strategies from my new book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, that will help us raise compassionate, caring, courageous kids that thrive and survive in today’s new world.  But before you begin, if you haven’t already, take Part I’s EMPATHY QUIZ and answer the question –  HOW EMPATHETIC ARE YOUR KIDS?  Then you can use the five strategies below to either tune-up or maintain your child’s Empathy Quotient.

PART II: THE GREAT EMPATHY TUNE-UP

Five Strategies to Nurture Children’s Empathy Capabilities

1. Talk feelings!  Without the ability to identify emotions kids are at a huge disadvantage. After all, how can they empathize if they can’t “read” how how another person feels? Today’s kids would rather text than talk and are plugged into digital devices around seven and a half minutes a day. So weave feeling words into conversations to teach emotional literacy. First, label the emotion you think your child feels: “You seem nervous.” Or: “Do you feel irritated?” Next, help read others’ emotions: “How do you think Sally feels?” Finally, activate her empathy to care: “If you think Sally is sad, what can you do to help?”

2. Imagine how the person feels.  One way to help your child identify with the feelings of others is to have him imagine how the other person feels about a specific circumstance. Suppose your child just sent a thank-you card to his aunt for the birthday present he received. Use it as an opportunity to help your child recognize his aunt’s feelings when she receives the card by having him pretend to be the aunt. “Pretend you’re Aunt Jen right now. You open up your mailbox and find this card. How will you feel when you read what it says?” You later can expand the imagining technique to include individuals your child has not personally met: “Pretend you’re a new neighbor, and you’re moving into this town and don’t know anyone. How will you feel?” Asking often, “How would you feel?” helps children grasp the needs and feelings of other people.

3. Make caring a routine.  Kids don’t become kind on their own but need regular practice opportunities. Try my girlfriend’s ‘Two Kindness Rule.’ “I expect you to say or do at least two kind things every day,” she’d tell her daughters. The girls then reported their kind deeds later at dinner. And all that practice paid off: her daughters are now kind-hearted adults. Find simple ways to make kindness a routine part of your child’s life so she recognizes that caring is expected in your home and she sees herself as a caring person.

4. Step into another’s shoes  Role-playing helps kids grasp other’s feelings. You can use the technique countless ways to help your child consider the impact of his uncaring actions. Here’s how to use it in discipline: “Let’s stop and do this again, but this time think how Kevin feels not being invited to play. I’ll pretend to be you. ‘Kevin, you can’t play with us.’ Now you be Kevin and act how he feels and thinks being left out.” The more kids imagine another’s feelings and needs, the stronger their ability to empathize and care. So find ways to help your child imaginatively step into the shoes of another.

5. Find ways for your child to do good.  Many children lack empathy because their experiences have never allowed them to think about perspectives other than their own. So provide opportunities for your child to experience different perspectives and views in your community, by visiting nursing homes, homeless shelters, centers for the blind, pediatric wards, soup kitchens, veteran’s hospitals, and political campaign headquarters. The more your child experiences different perspectives, the more likely she will be able to empathize with others whose needs and views differ from hers.

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.  UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours.  It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching!  UnSelfie is AVAILABLE TODAY at amazon.com.

The Great Empathy Tune-Up I: How Empathetic Are Your Kids?

Last updated on May 28th, 2017 at 12:29 am

Let’s face it, we’re raising our children in a world that is growing smaller. Global understanding, diversity, and perspective taking are skills that require “Empathy” – the ability to feel with another. The ability to empathize affects our kids’ future health, wealth, and happiness. And why? As a mom I’ve learned that it helps my sons build healthier relationships, strong character, and bounce back. But empathy is also what motivates our children to care. Though children are hard-wired to care, empathy must be nurtured.

Five simple strategies from my new book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, can help us raise caring kids that thrive and survive in today’s new world. But before reading them, take a moment to grade your child’s current Empathy Level. How empathetic are they today??  Then you can use the five strategies I present later this week to either tune up or maintain your child’s Empathy Quotient.

PART I: THE EMPATHY QUIZ: HOW EMPATHETIC ARE YOUR KIDS?

The 10 statements that follow describe behaviors usually displayed by preschoolers to teens with strong empathy. To evaluate your child’s strengths, read each statement and indicate what you believe best represents your child’s current level,  and the corresponding number of points will be assigned:

Always = 5;  Frequently = 4;  Sometimes = 3;  Rarely = 2;  Never = 1

All 10 statements will be added together to get your child’s total score.  If your child scores 41 to 50, she shows a strong empathy aptitude. If she scores 31 to 40, she could benefit from empathy enhancement. A score of 21 to 30 shows signs of weakness. A score of 10 to 20 reveals a need for a more intense empathy tune up.

 

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Thursday - The Great Empathy Tune-up II:  5 Strategies to Raise Caring Kids 

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.  UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want to activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours.  It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching!  UnSelfie will be available tomorrow, June 7th at amazon.com

Teen Narcissism is Worse: Is Social Networking The Cause?

Last updated on May 28th, 2017 at 12:34 am

Teen Narcissism Is Increasing – But Just What is Narcissism?

A growing number of researchers are finding a link between social media web-sites and anti-social narcissistic behavior among certain users. So we can be on the same page as the researchers,  narcissism is defined as “self-centered, arrogant, and entitled.”

It’s not just attention-getting or wanting to be liked, but a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration—an exaggerated sense of self-importance where the person believes they are special and require excessive admiration from others.”

The phrase, “so-and so is such a narcissist,” is often used in our culture and generally means just a self-centered person. But there is a clear difference when narcissism rises to the level of being a true psychological problem.

The worry is that too hefty a dose of narcissism and an unhealthy overriding belief and exaggerated view that “I’m better than all” can turn into a personality disorder robbing a person’s psychological and emotional well being. So there are two big dangers for our children:

• First, the narcissist generally has an inability to form healthy, long-term relationships because narcissists  are so focused on themselves.
• Second is that narcissism diminishes and even shuts down a person’s capacity to empathize or feel for others.

That last danger is the crux of why many child development expert and parents alike are on edge and it’s why I’m very concerned. A landmark report released by Common Sense Media in November of 2015 found that “teenagers (ages 13-18) use an average of nine hours of entertainment media per day and that tweens (ages 8-12) use an average of six hours a day, not including time spent using media for school or homework”. And let’s be real, it’s a rare parent who wants a kid who feels entitled (I’ve yet to find one anyway). It’s why we all –parents, mental health professions, educators, and medical professions–need to dig deeper and review these results carefully and then take an honest look at our children’s needs. Here are facts you need to know:

Study Ties Social Networking to Narcissism…Or Does It?

One study, published by Mary Ann Liebert suggested a link between narcissism and (in this case the social network) Facebook. The researcher concluded that Facebook users with narcissistic behaviors could be clearly identified by contents on their Facebook pages.  The research received quite a buzz in the news.  Here was my take:

While it was an interesting study and worth discussing, more data was needed before drawing conclusions. The research used in the analysis was only a small sample size  (only 100 students were involved), all students were from the same university, and the researcher herself compiled the ratings so results could be biased.

But the results came on the tail of two previous studies that also found a connection between narcissistic behavior and social media and those results should clearly raise our parenting radar.

Study#1: College Students Agree their Generation Is More Self-Centered

Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology from San Diego State University and author of Generation Me, conducted fascinating research about kids’ narcissistic behaviors both on and off line. Tracking over 37,000 college students’ personality profiles, Twenge found a most troubling trend.

REALITY CHECK: Young people’s narcissistic personality traits are steadily rising from the 1980s to the present. By 2006, one out of four college students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure of narcissistic traits; in 1985 that number was only one in seven.

Twenge’s national survey of 1068 college students also had interesting results. Results found:

REALITY CHECK: 57 percent of college students admitting that social networking makes them more narcissistic and that their peers used social networking sites for self-promotion, narcissism and attention-seeking.

What’s more, over two-thirds of those adolescents surveyed said their generation was “more self-promoting, narcissistic, overconfident and attention-seeking” than others in the past.

Study #2: College Students Are Less Empathic Than Previous Generations

Twenge’s results come on the tails of yet another troubling report. A University of Michigan study of 14000 college students found these results:

REALITY CHECK: College students today show 40 percent less empathy toward others than college students in 1980s and 1990s The researcher hypothesized that because there are fewer face-to face interactions (largely due to the rise of net connection) empathy is also declining.

Put all of those studies together. Results from three large scale, longitudinal studies lead by major researchers at major universities found a decrease in kids’ empathy and an increase in narcissistic, self-centered-like behavior. Now it is time to be concerned…very concerned.

Don’t Put the Blame All On Social Networking….Just Yet

If there is a growing narcissistic streak among teens and young adults, let’s not put ALL the blame on social networking sites. (Note: As of 4th quarter 2015, there were over 1.5 billion monthly active Facebook users and not all are narcissists – or at least I hope not.  This number does not include Periscope users, Instagram users, Snapchat users, etc.).  What a social network DOES provide is a great place for a teen who feels a bit more entitled to draw attention to himself, self-promote, and show the world just how great he is.

So let’s not put all the blame on social networks for how our kids are turning out. In that regard, I fear we have only ourselves to blame.

The more probable causes to the dawn of the “Self-Annointed Kid” is a parental style that pushes too much entitlement, too many trophies too soon, too much “ME-ME-ME”, too much “center stage” and not enough good ‘ol “NOs” and focusing on “THEM.”

Researchers also point out that a celebrity saturated culture that emphasizes the rich and famous, is another culprit along with the breakdown of face-to-face connection, and a society that seems too often to be under-stressing those good old home-spun virtues like kindness, cooperation and helpfulness.

So what’s a parent to do? What do you do if you think you are the proud owner of a budding little narcissistic–or at least a kid who feels entitled-on your hands?

Your first step is to recognize the problem.

Your second step is to use research-based parenting solutions to curb your child’s self-centeredness, and do so pronto.

Tell-Tale Signs of a Budding Kid Narcissist

Researchers say there are a few indicators that could indicate narcissism in youth who are social networking.

Keep in mind, it’s not one sign but a combination of behaviors your should watch for in your teen. You should see these same narcissistic behaviors both off screen as well as on. Here are ways to start observing:

• Be Where Your Teen Is. Your first step is to make sure you have an account on the same social networks as your teen and that you have befriended him or her so you can follow your teen’s presence. You do NOT have to post on your teen’s account (usually a HUGE turn off, but you do have to be where your teen is online so you can monitor your teen’s presence.
  This isn’t spying (get over it!), this is parental monitoring. You announce ahead to your teen that you will be monitoring. It’s part of being a parent. See the Internet as virtual extension of your child’s playground. You monitored there, right? So monitor your teen online!
• View Online Presence Together. A great exercise to do with your teen is to view his or her online presence together. Ask: “What does this say about you to someone else who may not know you?” “Why did you choose that photo?” etc. Don’t be judgmental (you’ll get nowhere) but just inquisitive. It might be a great eye-opener.

4 Possible Signs of Teen Narcissism 

1. All About Me: Tune into your teen’s primary motive for using a social network. Is it primarily for connection to be with others or a place to self-promote? Young narcissists are all self-promoting and not to use their social networks as an opportunity to commiserate with peers.
2. Read and listen to those pronouns: Is the teen using those “Me, I and My” pronouns so every entry is about how “I’m doing” and rarely about “What are you up to?” Does she always refer to herself and her needs and delete the other population? (Teens are egocentric so expect some Me-Me-Me verbiage. Be concerned when it’s exclusively Me-Me-Me and little Her-Him-Them.”
3. Self Promotion: Narcissists are more likely to choose glamorous, self-promoting pictures for their main profile photos, while those who are not so inclined are more likely to use simple snapshots. But also check your teen’s offline presence. Look at those screen-savers and ask yourself what they tell about your teen.
4. Competition: Researchers say a key sign is the teen who constantly (multiple times daily) checks into the network to count his FB friends and then announces that number. The studies found that the more teens checked in and the more they announced their FB friends the higher the narcissism. But off-line is your kid doing the same (checking or comparing her abilities verses others).

Countering the Teen Narcissism Epidemic

If you suspect your child is a budding little narcissist, the cure isn’t pulling their social media accounts. Chances are high that your teen earned that “entitlement” image before logging onto a social network. Center your parenting efforts on these strategies instead:

• Refocus Your Praise Temper those oohs and ahhs that focus only on your kid. Watch out for lavish sugar-coated, undeserved praise and giving out a trophy for every little thing.
  Instead stress your child’s inside qualities like kindness, cooperation and reinforce “selfless” acts so your child starts to become aware of the rights, feelings, and needs of others. Sigh!
• Lower the Curtain Ask yourself if you always single out your teen’s performance in a group activity over the other participants. If so, watch your focus and start emphasizing your teen’s teammates.
• Nurture Empathy Narcissistic, entitled kids shut down their capacity to understand where other people are coming. Because they only focus on “ME,” it’s hard to put themselves into someone else’s shoes and feel how they feel. So nurture your teen’s empathy. Point out other people’s feelings. Ask, “How does the other person feel?” The best antidote for selfishness and entitlement is to boost empathy.
• Boost Face-to-Face Interaction Boost face to face interaction opportunities to help him see beyond himself. Help him focus on the views of others. You don’t learn empathy by facing a screen. Keep in mind that this is the generation who prefers to text than talk and all that screen time doesn”t develop those key skills for emotional intelligence, social competence, empathy and moral development. Set up sacred “unplugged” family times. Hold family dinners! And grab those cell phones and put them on hold during key times your family is together.

The best way to learn benevolence and selflessness is not lecturing about it but providing kids with real opportunities to do for others. So find ways your family – and particularly your teen – can do community service and emphasize others not themselves: Work at a shelter. Deliver gently-used possessions to charity. Pitch in to help the elderly neighbor rake her leaves. Find real and meaningful opportunities tailored to your child’s passions!

The real parenting goal is for our children to learn one wonderful life lesson: Doing good for others is one of the greatest ways to feel good about who you are as a person. And doing good for others is also has a hidden benefit: it’s one of the simplest and best ways to boost happiness.

Resources for this report:

• Ypulse survey of 1068 college students was done with Jean Twenge, associate professor of psychology at San Diego State when asked about narcissism in a poll on social networking sites in June by Ypulse, August 2009.
• University of Michigan study culled 72 studies that gauged empathy among 14,000 students over 30 years. They found college students today have 40% less empathy than students in the 1980s and 1990s. The researcher suggested its because there are fewer face-to face interactions. “Empathy is best activated when you can see another person signal for help.”

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

Pediatric Safety Announcement: Welcome Dr. Michele Borba!

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 02:37 pm

Please join us in welcoming our new Child Psychology and Bullying Prevention Expert Dr. Michele Borba to the PedSafe Expert Team!

 

 

Teaching Kids Gratitude and Empathy Year-Long

Last updated on December 3rd, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Happy Thanksgiving! Whether you had your turkey yesterday, or (like us) yours is delayed until today to accommodate friends and family, this is a time to give thanks for the good in our lives and to think about the plight of others who may be less fortunate. It is also a time when many of us parents reflect on how well our kids are developing the skills of gratitude and empathy. These are important skills year-round as they play critical roles in personal happiness, prosocial behavior and emotional intelligence or EQ.

Based on my reflection this week, we have some work to do in our house on both gratitude and empathy. Most days our son complains about his classes and the other kids at school, and focuses on the negative that happened. One bad experience can “ruin” a whole day. He also recently complained about “tension in the house” (among his parents) – but couldn’t seem to understand our situation and how his recent behavior issues (e.g. not getting his homework done on time, not doing what he’s told in a timely manner, arguing with us on almost every request – ah, the joys of tween-dom!) contributed to said tension. Don’t get me wrong, Elliott is generally a happy and sweet kid, but he’s definitely not seeing enough of the bright side of life these days. However, based on my conversations with other parents of kids his age at recent sports events, we aren’t alone in this experience. Why is it so hard to help kids, especially in the tween and teen phases, learn gratitude and empathy?

Well, first of all these skills require a life-long learning process. Who among us adults couldn’t express more gratitude and empathy? But for our kids it’s an even bigger challenge since the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for higher-order thinking processes – including empathy (which requires imagining and understanding another’s perspective) – isn’t fully developed until young adulthood, about age 25. This is also partly why kids and teens are more impulsive and have trouble considering the consequences of their actions.

So what can we do in the face of this biological reality? Well, practice now can help kids maximize their cognitive abilities, and lay the foundation for future development:

• Model it – demonstrating gratitude and empathy ourselves is one of the best ways to teach kids these skills. Try to talk about the positive things in your day before mentioning the negative. When discussing issue with someone in your life, make sure to speak about the other person’s perspective and what they might be experiencing.
• Emphasize the positive – one of the best ways to cultivate a focus on the positive is to keep a gratitude journal, listing 3 things at the end of the day – whether big or small – that were good. Or you can make this a part of the discussion over family dinners. One thing I do with Elliott is ask him to tell me both the good and bad that happened during his school day. Once he’s done a more balanced assessment, most days are getting at least an “OK” rating.
• Build a warm connection – studies have shown that connection and warmth between parent and child, developed at the youngest ages, result in greater empathy as children grow. Spend time with your small children, mimic their experiences, and demonstrate your love and affection.
• Show empathy to your kids – when they are feeling down or talking about the bad things that happened, it’s important to fully acknowledge their experience and feelings. But then it can help to ask them what they learned from the situation, what they might do differently, or what another involved might be feeling.
• Celebrate the successes – recently our son helped out a kid at school who was upset over a bullying incident, and was very affected by this boy’s experience. We really emphasized to him how proud we were of his actions and his concern for another person. Hopefully this will encourage more of this type of behavior in future.

Video Games and their Impact on Child Aggression and Empathy

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 10:06 pm

“Can’t I just play one more hour?”

“But there’s nottttthhhhthinnnng else to do!”

“Chill out, Mom. The game is not that violent.”

There’s no doubt that video games are a part of the plugged-in generation’s lifestyle. But are you aware just how much of an impact video games have? Check out these stats:

REALITY CHECK: Did you know that:

• 99 percent of boys and 94 percent of girls ages 12 to 17 play computer, web, portable or console games?
• More than 90 percent of kids play video games 30 minutes a day though boys spend twice as much time playing than girls.
• In fact, video gaming is so widespread among American kids that studies show that nearly every teen plays games in some way, regardless of gender, age or economic status.

For some kids games are “everything.” That’s why there’s also growing concerns among parents about video games that range from: making kids more aggressive, developing sedentary lifestyles, squelching cognitive development or academic potential. After all, it’s very easy for kids to fall into the habit of spending too much time in front of those controllers.

The truth is too much video game playing isn’t healthy for anyone and can rob our children from experiencing the great outdoors, reading for pleasure, getting enough exercise, doing their homework, as well as learning to get along with others. But don’t rush to judgment too quickly. Over the last decade video game makers have come a long way and playing some of those games actually benefits our kids’ learning and motor dexterity, and even helps keep them in better shape.

Here are solutions to help you wade through those tough choices and know whether playing that video game is actually aiding or hindering your child’s development.

Parenting Solutions for Kids and Video Games

Know Your Child

For my two cents, I don’t think it’s healthy for any kid to play violent video games. But don’t get me wrong, playing one video game is not going to cause irrevocable damage. Just please know that some children are influenced by aggressive content. If they continue playing violent games they will stress more and become more aggressive and less empathic. Research finds that video games may decrease our kids’ capacity to feel for others:

Video Games May Decrease Empathy

A University of Toronto study with 150 fourth and fifth graders found that those spending the most time playing violent video games are also most likely to agree with statements such as: “People with guns or knives are cool,” and “Parents should tell their kids to fight if they have to.” Those same kids are also more likely to disagree with statements such as, “When I’m mean to someone I generally feel bad about it later,” or “I’m happy when my teacher says my friend did a good job.” Many child experts (myself included) are concerned that violent video game playing may desensitize your child to empathy-or that glorious capacity to feel for another.

Kids who are more sensitive, have an aggressive or hyper temperament, or are predisposed to aggression by witnessing or experiencing it are also more likely to be aggressive after playing certain video games.

A review by the University of Michigan of over 85 studies found that “video games increase aggressive thoughts and angry feelings, aggressive behaviors and decrease helping behavior.”

But you don’t need research to prove that to you. Just monitor your child’s behavior closer. If you notice he becomes more wound up or aggressive and you think it’s due to playing that game, the solution is simple: Take away those controllers and stay abreast of late-breaking research so you can make responsible parenting decisions as to what is best for your child. Be clear as to not only which games are off-limits but how long your kid is allowed to play.

Be Selective As to Video Content

Set clear parameters as to which games you will allow your kids to watch. Ratings established by the Entertainment Software Rating Board are prominently labeled on the outside of each video game box. (By the way, game raters include child development experts, retired school principals, teachers, as well as parents). Teach your kid those ratings so there are no questions or arguments.

Video Game Ratings

EC (Early Childhood-Ages 3+): No inappropriate or objectionable material

E (Everyone Ages 6+): May contain minimal violence, some comic mischief or crude language

T (Teen; Ages 13+) May contain violent content, mild or strong language and suggestive themes

M (Mature-Ages 17+) May include more intense violence or language; mature sexual themes

AO (Adult Only-Ages 18+) May include graphic depiction of sex and violence

Watch the Whole Game

Many games appear mild at the lowest skill level but grow increasing violent as the player’s skill increases. So if the box with the rating is missing, watch what your child is playing all the way through to the end or ask your child to give you a demo. These games can appear deceiving.

One of the most popular-sellers, “Grand Theft Auto” begins as a fast-pace racing game, but as a player moves up in the competition (and later into the game) points are earned for knocking a policeman off his motorcycle and running down a pedestrian. You can also hire a prostitute, have sex with her, then knock her out and get the money back. Yes, such games are rated for adults, but kids say they can gain access to them easily and many parents never watch beyond the first scenes, not realizing how inappropriate is the content of following scenes. And a recent study found that nearly 80 percent of E rated games contain some violence.

Take Time for Friends

UCLA studies find though certain video games can increase kids’ IQ, they do so at the expense of learning crucial social skills. So don’t let video game playing detract from being with friends. You may also want to put limits on game playing when friends come over or restrict video game playing all together. Don’t be surprised that once you set limits for video playing in your home that your kid decides to spend more time at his friend’s house. If the friend’s parents are allowing unlimited video playing, it may be time to speak with them and share your own policy. They just may decide to adopt a one-hour limit as well.

Teach Anger Management

A study of 1254 preteens found that a big reason they play video games is to manage their feelings, including anger and stress. In fact, kids who play violent games are more likely to play to release anger. Make sure your child knows healthy ways to release anger such as exercise, healthier eating, journaling upset feelings, talking to someone about their upset thoughts, deep breathing exercises or meditation. Then encourage your child to use those strategies to get their anger out.

The long and the short on video games is that there needs to be more research to determine the long-range impact on our children. Meanwhile, keep a closer eye on your child’s behavior. And remember, you do pay the electric bill and are the parent. It’s okay to say, “NO!”

When A Parent Should Worry

Here are red flags that may signal that video games are a negative influence:

• Peer replacement: Uses video games as a substitute for friends or being with kids.
• Addiction: Replaces other entertainment forms; if restricted from playing, behavior flares up; goes through “video game withdrawals” (all your child wants to do). This is such a concern of the American Psychological Association that members are hotly-debating whether video game addiction should be labeled a mental health disorder.
• Aggressive: Acts out, becomes more impulsive or aggressive after playing.
• Less caring: Displays less concern or empathy towards others.
• Grades wane: Homework battles increase, grades or test scores decrease.
• Sleepless: Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep (Beware: quick-fire screen images and aggressive content activates the brain and can keep kids awake).
• Couch potato: Too sedentary a lifestyle, limiting exercise, gaining weight.
• Credit card: Your credit card shows unexplained charges. Online gaming networks charge to play; video games are easily purchased online using a parent’s credit card

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.

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