9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Your Kids to Find Their Inner Hero

Last updated on April 20th, 2018 at 08:34 am

How to cultivate courage for our bubble-wrapped kids so they find strength to face adversity and do the right thing.

Empathy Habit #8: MORAL COURAGE: Empathy is the miraculous quality that allows us to feel with others, but in order to act on those feelings kids need Moral Courage. Courage emboldens kids to speak out, step in, and help others and it is the eighth out of the Nine Crucial Empathy Building Habits in UnSelfie. We can cultivate courage. So let’s roll up our sleeves and get started. This is a Brave New World and children will need the skills and know-how to find that inner bravery to do the right thing. To read more about how this habit gives children the Empathy Advantage and how to cultivate it in children, refer to Chapter 8: Moral Courage in UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World.

My favorite movie about courage is, “We Bought a Zoo.” One scene is especially powerful: The teen son admits to his dad that he’s crazy about a girl, but unless he musters the courage to tell her that, their relationship is over. His dad’s advice is priceless: “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

The truth is that sometimes kids need gentle nudges to step out of their comfort zone and discover their inner strength. Our job is to help our children find their 20 seconds of safe courage, so they can do the right thing when their conscience or heart urge them to step in and help.

Why is it important for kids to be courageous? A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure, say “no” to temptations that run counter to your family’s values, and fight the good fight.

Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’ resilience, confidence, willpower, and mental health as well as their learning, performance, and school engagement.

The good news is that courage can be taught.We often make the mistake of thinking of courage as an elusive quality  that is locked into our DNA. But my research shows that bravery is made up of teachable skills.

Teaching those skills to our kids – regardless of GPA, gender or temperament (introverts or extroverts) – is how we can help our children learn the skills of courage. And that’s how we raise a generation of caring, courageous children who think WE, not ME.

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage and Stretch Kids’ Risk-Taking Muscles

Here are nine ways to stretch kids’ risk-taking muscles in our bubble-wrapped world, so they can face adversity and do the right thing:

1. Model courage. Kids who watch their parents stick their necks out to do the right thing are more likely to do the same. Let your child see you step out of your comfort zone, whether it’s tackling your fear of heights or speaking up to your boss. Then express how good it feels when you conquer your fear instead of taking a shortcut. Kids learn how to take on the tough challenges they face from witnessing how you tackle your own fears.

2.Talk about values and courage. Research finds that kids are more likely be courageous if they believe that their parents expect them to support those in need. Discuss bravery with your kids: Tell them, “Courage is making the choice to do what you know is right even if you are afraid.” Some parents develop a family courage mantra like “We find courage to do what’s right, even if it’s hard.” Or you might tell your child, “Our family speaks up and helps others.”

3. Stop bubble-wrapping and rescuing your kids. Always “fixing” children’s problems only makes them more dependent and reduces their ability to bravely seek their own solutions. It also sends a disturbing message: “I’ll help because you can’t do it alone.” If you’re “over-helping,” start building your child’s courage muscles by putting him in the driver’s seat. He – not you – tells his coach he can’t make practice. She apologizes to her pal without your assistance.

4. Encourage your kids to share their acts of bravery. Learning to be brave takes practice, so encourage your children to do something courageous every day, like introducing themselves to someone new, inviting a new classmate to play or standing up for a peer. Then take time to focus on their courageous breakthroughs. One dad I spoke with had his kids list their “brave successes” on paper strips, then stapled the strips together to make “courage chains.” A mom I talked to had her kids to share their brave deeds at dinner time.

5. Dispel the “Superman myth.” Many kids assume they need to look like a superhero to be courageous. Share stories of those who changed the world with their quiet, nonphysical brave acts. Jackie Robinson, the first black player in Major League baseball, was heckled because of his skin color. He showed great bravery by preserving and conducting himself in a professional manner on the field (where he excelled) as well as off it. Mahatma Gandhi – who would go on to be the leader of nonviolent civil disobedience – ran home after school every day as a child because he was too shy to talk to anyone. Rosa Parks, the African American Civil Rights activist who refused to give up her bus seat to white passengers, was described as “soft-spoken … timid and shy.”

6. Read about courageous kids. Share inspiring news and stories about children who stick their necks out for others. A couple of my favorite books for younger kids are “Courage” by Bernard Waber and “Brave Irene” by William Steig. Check out these titles for older kids: “Wringer,” by Jerry Spinelli and “Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends” by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini.

7. Encourage young kids take brave baby steps. Instead of picking her daughter up, a friend of mine helped her 3-year old find courage to cross a small bridge by empowering her. “Be brave, Clara,” she told her daughter. “You can do it.” Clara continued, repeating to herself, “Be brave, Clara!” And she learned something when she crossed the bridge: “I’m brave, Mommy! I’m brave!”

8. Teach kids to prioritize safety. Even as we teach our children to be brave, it’s still important to temper risk-taking. Certainly, we want our children to be safe. So tell your child that safety is always the first priority. If someone could get hurt and the risk is too great, teach your kids to always get adult help or call 911 if needed. Encourage children to trust their instincts, when they have concerns that something is unsafe.

9. Teach your kids how to reduce their fears. If not kept in check, fear can be overwhelming. Teach your child simple strategies to be brave. You might encourage positive self-talk, such as saying, “I can handle this” or “I have courage to do this.” Or teach your child to take slow, deep breaths to find courage. Research finds younger children are more likely to share their fears with another child. Though you want them to be open with you, let them know it’s also OK to share their worries with a friend. Choose a fear reducer that works best for your child and then help her practice that until it becomes a habit.

For kids to thrive in today’s uncertain world, they will need courage and confidence. Let’s help them find their hero within and learn to be brave!

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.  UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours.  It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching!  UnSelfie is AVAILABLE NOW at amazon.com.

How To Prevent and Treat Teen Smelly Feet

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 11:39 am

Smelly feet aren’t fun for anyone, but there is an effective, simple and cheap treatment that you can use at home which will banish foot odour within a week.

Helping Kids Set Goals For The New Year and Keep Them!

Last updated on January 1st, 2018 at 02:45 pm

Do you know that goal-setting is one of the most highly correlated traits of peak performers and successful individuals? But goal-setting isn’t just for grown-ups.

Studies show that goal-setting can help kids gain the sense of discipline and that internal drive it takes to stay motivated to complete the tasks they’ve set for themselves.

And once they’ve learned how to set their own goal it shows in their performance as well as in their self-esteem! But there are other benefits for teaching goal-setting as well.

Benefits of Goal-Setting for Kids

• You’ll see your child start a school project–without waiting until the last minute–and finish it.
• You’ll find your child doing his chores–without your nagging–because he knows he has to do them in order to start on his homework.
• You’ll discover your child thinking through the jobs he needs to do for the week and making plans to complete them.
• You’ll also see your child’s confidence grow as he succeeds in the goals he’s set for himself.

The best news is that goal-setting is a skill that we can teach our children at a young age.

7 Steps to Teach Kids Goal-Setting

Here are simple ways to help kids understand what goals are, and why using them can enhance their chances of success.

Step 1. Define the term, “Goal”

One of the easiest ways to explain goals is to link the term to something children are familiar with such as hockey, soccer, or football.

You might say to your child:

“A goal is like a target or something you shoot for. A football player is aiming for a touchdown. A hockey or soccer player is shooting for a goal. Goals aren’t just for sports. Goals in life are something you shoot for to be more successful.  People set goals for things they want to achieve or get better at. Planning what you need to work on is called goal-setting. It’s a skill that will help you in school, at home, with your friends, or later in your job or as an adult. It’s a skill that helps you succeed.”

Step 2. Share Your Own Goals and Aspirations

To help children feel comfortable talking about goals, we parents need to share our own aspirations. So take time to share a few of your dreams and wishes and the resolution you plan to set for yourself like losing those extra pounds, learning to text, finally reading and finishing Moby Dick, taking that gourmet cooking class. Whatever!

The secret is to purposefully model goal-setting when your kids can watch or listen. In fact, modeling is such a simple way to learn the skill. All you need to remember is the formula for goal-setting: I will+ what + when and then teach it to your kids.

Goal Formula: I will + what + when: Goals usually start with the words I will and have two parts: a what and a when. The what explains what you want to accomplish. The when tells when you intend to accomplish it.

Then whenever an appropriate moment arises, put your goal into the language of the Goal Formula and model it so that you child sees formula in operation. For instance:

You walk in to the laundry room and find it piled high with dirty laundry. (No surprise in my house). It’s a perfect opportunity to model the formula. Tell what you hope to do, using goal language to your child: “I will get these clothes washed and dried by six o’clock” (what = washing and drying the clothes + when = by six o’clock).

The key is that your kid has now overheard you saying your plan.

REALITY CHECK: Studies find that kids are far more likely to adopt a new habit or skill if they saw it in action (instead of via the lecture or the worksheet). So reflect over just the last week. If you asked your child to describe your behavior would he add “She’s a goal setter!” or “He makes a list of what he aims to do.” or “She tells me what her plans are.” Bottom line: Are you a model of these steps to your child? If not, just tune them up in your own behavior so your child has a real example of goal-setting to copy.

Step 3. Help Kids Create Their “Dream List” 

Explain to your children that “goals start with dreams.” Then take time to discuss their dreams, wishes or aspirations. Next, provide paper and colored marking pens for each family member. Take turns writing or drawing dreams of what they wish they could “achieve or have or improve.” Reread the list and help your children select only dreams they actually have power to make happen.

Three crucial questions assure your child’s success. These questions help you determine if the goal is achievable for your child:

1. “Does my child have the necessary skills and knowledge to achieve the goal?”

2. “Does my child need much help from others to succeed at the goal?”

3. “Does my child have enough time to achieve the goal?”

If you answered “no” to any of the questions, you might want to help your child choose another goal.To achieve success the goal must be within your child’s ability and should be realistic. 

Help your child recognize that goal possibilities are endless. Here are 15 goal categories for kids to consider:

Goal Possibilities for Kids: Grades. Hobbies or interests. Friends. Exercise. TV viewing. Free time. Savings. Sports. Homework. School. Reading. Behavior. New Skills. Chores. New learning.

Step 4. Tailor the Goal to Your Child

First-time goal-setters need to see some immediate success. Have your younger (or first-time goal-setter)  set a goal that can be achieved at least within a week. Here’s a few goals children can achieve in a short time:

Short-Term Kid Goal Possibilities 

• Finishing a simple school project
• Reading a book (or a page a night)
• Losing one pound
• Writing all those thank you notes
• Cleaning a closet
• Raking the front lawn leaves
• Learning how to address an envelope.
• Practicing the piano 15 minutes a day (then increasing to whatever length)
• Making his bed every day
• Picking up her toys and putting them in the toy bin at 3 pm every day
• Brushing his teeth without reminders.

Some children need to set even shorter goals: at the end of the hour, or a day. Set the length of the goal according to the time you think your child needs to succeed.

Step 5. Help Your Child Think Through Steps to Success

Once your child identifies his resolution or goal he needs to think through the steps to success.

The more children can think through their goal and identify what they need to do to achieve success, the greater the chance they will succeed.

These ideas help children learn to plan the steps they need to take in order to achieve their goals. Choose ones that may work best for your child.

Some kids need to write or draw all the steps. Other children can process this in their heads. Tailor the steps to your child’s ability and learning style,

1. Identify the what + when. First ask, “What do you want to achieve?” Help your child clarify his goal. Then ask, “When will you try to achieve your goal?” Here’s a few examples using the goal formula: “I will get 9 out of 10 spelling words right on my spelling test” “I will be one pound lighter on Tuesday.” “I will learn five math facts in 15 minutes.”

2. List what needs to be done. Ask, “What are all the things you need to do to achieve your goal?” Help your child write or draw a different task on index cards. When finished, reread the tasks and put them in order asking, “What should you do first, then second, and third…?” Keep arranging the strips in sequence, and then staple the packet together. Encourage your child to use the packet as he works on his goal. Each time a task is finished, your child tears off a strip until no more remain!

3. Gather your resources. Ask your child, “Who or what do you need to help you succeed in your goal?” Help your child list or identify all the needed resources. Suppose your child wants to increase his running time. He might list a coach to talk to about running techniques, his Dad to help him practice running, and his Mom to drive him to the track. On the “”What” or “Things” side he might include: an alarm clock to remind him to wake up earlier to get to the track, a stop watch to time himself, and graph paper to list his running times. Encourage him to hang up the page to remember his plan.

Step 6. Track Your Child’s Goal Progress

Write your child’s goal on paper and tack it up on the refrigerator or bulletin board. Tell your child each time he works towards his goals, you’ll mark the effort on the paper. Helping our kids see their goal progress motivates them to keep on trying.

• Try visual reminders. Stickers or gummed stars are always colorful incentives for younger children to stick onto the page to check their progress. Point out the improvements and say: “Look how much closer you’re getting to your goal!”
• Use a screensaver. Encourage tweens and teens to take a photo of their goal using their cell phone then keep it as a screen saver to remind them of their intention.

Step 7. Celebrate Family Goal Successes!

Nothing is more affirming to children than succeeding at goals they’ve worked hard to achieve. It’s the tangible proof your child interprets as, “I really did it!” and a great way to nurture your child’s self-confidence. As goals are achieved, celebrate them as a family. You might:

• Capture the image: Photograph your child achieving her goal and framing it.
• Victory log: Provide your child with a small notebook or journal (A Victory Log!) for your child to log each goal achievement.
• Success dinner: Have a Victory Dinner where you cook your child’s favorite dinner and have a Victory Dinner.
• Balloon pop: Take a dollar bill or a picture of an inexpensive prize and help your child tightly roll and insert it inside a large party balloon. Blow up the balloon and knot hte end. On the outside of the balloon use a black laundry pen to write or draw a goal your child wants to achieve. Tie string to the end and hang the balloon in a special place. Tell the child that the moment he achieves the goal, you will pop the balloon together. The prize inside will be his reward for his hard work. In the meantime, the blown baloon serves as a reminder to work hard at the goal.

Then, help your child set the next goal and the next and the next.

All the best for a happy, peaceful New Year!

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.  UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours.  It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching!  UnSelfie is AVAILABLE NOW at amazon.com.

Can Wealth Be as Big a Parenting Risk-Factor as Poverty?

Last updated on November 17th, 2017 at 11:35 pm

Many of us are now aware of the damaging long-term effects of growing up in poverty. The stress experienced by adults and kids who struggle to meet their basic needs can put kids at risk for lower academic achievement, health problems and emotional difficulties.

On the other side of the economic spectrum, however, we are finding that kids who grow up in an environment of affluence may also be at risk for negative outcomes. This may seem hard to believe—kids growing up in a prosperous home would seem to have all the advantages. A recent in-depth study into this issue helps us understand that affluence may go hand-in-hand with some parenting practices that may not promote the ideal development for adolescents.

Problematic Parenting

In both situations of poverty and affluence the issue of resources themselves are often not the sole contributor to developmental problems in children. Both poverty and affluence create situations in which parents’ behavior may be altered to the point that they are unable to adequately support their children. In the situation of poverty, the stress of lack of resources often makes it difficult for parents to be as patient, attentive and supportive as they might otherwise be.

In the case of affluence, parents’ behavior is also altered such that they might not be as emotional available or have enough time to spend with kids. The recent study points out two particular issues that seem to be the source of problems for kids.

• High expectations with conditional love: having high expectations for kids’ behavior, academic performance or sports is not a problem, per se. When high expectations are combined with lack of emotional support and conditional love, they do become problematic.
  • Example: if a child is only valued or loved for what they can accomplish in the classroom or on the sports field, this actually undermines their development. Among affluent families, research finds that 25% of boys and 15% of girls describe themselves as “underachievers.” The obvious implications for children’s emotional development under these circumstances are worrisome.
• Isolation from parents: both emotional and physical isolation are more common problems among affluent families. Due to kids’ expansive extracurricular activities, families may have little time together. This, coupled with increased physical distance due to larger houses, may create a situation in which adolescents feel increasingly distant from their parents.

The statistics we see among affluent families illustrate the effects of this isolation and conditional love scenarios among teens. Affluent teens have higher rates of clinical depression (25% higher) and substance abuse (15-35% higher) compared to non-affluent groups. Teen girls, in particular, are at risk for depression—20% of affluent teen girls have clinical levels of depression.

In both conditions of poverty and affluence, the types of parental factors that can mitigate the effects of each situation are similar. If parents can remain warm, emotionally responsive, supportive and provide some structure (without becoming a helicopter parent), then kids in both situations are much more likely to have positive futures.

4 Things That Will Help Your Child Develop Early Reading Skills

Last updated on November 1st, 2017 at 12:56 pm

Developing early reading skills in children ages 9-48 months involves enhancing cognitive skills such as sequential processing, simultaneous processing, focused attention, and inhibition.

Speaking with your child face to face, drawing attention to characters and actions on the written page and practicing how oral-motor sounds relate to phonemic representation, are skills we can model and teach through playful interaction. CLICK on the 4 Activities IMAGE below to download a printable version to help you keep these fun, yet meaningful activities front of mind.

Ages 9-18 Months, enhance visual tracking skills by reading picture books with your children for a few minutes daily.  Turn the pages of the books and use your finger to point out characters, movement, and action.  Talk about what the children see on the page.  “The doggie is running.”  “Where is he going?”

Ages 18-24 months, speak with your child face to face.  Children develop phonemic awareness by experiencing the kinesthesis of oral-motor movements.  When you speak with your child face to face and enunciate your words, your child watches how your mouth forms the sounds.  So sit face to face while you speak, playfully encourage your child to make the phonemic sounds with you,

Ages 24-36 months, reading fluency is correlated with rhythmic patterns and sounds.  When children are able to read with meter, the recurring pattern of stresses or accents that provide the pulse or beat of music, they become more fluid readers enhancing foundational skills that underlie comprehension.  As you read books like Dr. Seuss, enjoy the rhyme and rhythm.  “The more that you read, the more things you will know.  The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”

Ages 36-48 months, sequential processing is a foundational cognitive skill that underlies both cognition and movement. We read, speak, play and even move in a sequential manner.  One step comes before the next.  So enjoy noticing and talking about patterns with your children.  Be it in the car, while cooking in the kitchen or on the playground, explore what you are doing in words and talk about what comes next.  “First we walk up the stairs, then we climb on the slide, then we slide down, Zoom!”

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Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, it offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment. The first book of its kind, it provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Bloom is available at amazon.com

 

 

How to Cope With First-Year College Stress: Self-Help Tips

Last updated on September 1st, 2017 at 01:53 pm

Starting university can be a stressful experience. How you cope with the stress is the key to whether or not it develops into a health problem.

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