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The Toughest Talk You’ll Ever Have with Your Child

Last updated on August 30th, 2015 at 04:52 pm

For a few years – OK, maybe more than a few – I worried that my daughter Samantha was getting fat. After all, she was consistently in the 95th percentile for her weight, and I knew that a BMI (body mass index) between the 85th and 95th percentile meant a child was at risk for being too heavy.

It’s easy for women to get a little crazy about their weight, so it’s no wonder that we become a bit unhinged when it comes to our kids. Our pediatrician reassured me that she was fine because she’d been in the 95th percentile since she was a toddler and had a naturally muscular build. And today, at 14, her BMI is normal, so perhaps he was right.

Still, I couldn’t help but be concerned – especially when I saw her chomping down her fourth slice of pizza or noshing on candy with reckless abandon. Telling her I was worried about her weight felt cruel, a remark that could spawn body image issues and trigger an eating disorder. But staying silent seemed equally wrong, as if I were giving her permission to pack on the pounds.

Clearly, being appropriately concerned yet not overly neurotic was going to take some restraint. Turns out I’m not the only parent who feels uncomfortable discussing these matters. A recent survey found that most parents would prefer to talk about sex, drugs and alcohol than chat up their kids about weight.

So rather than get embroiled in a complicated conversation about BMI and calories, I chose to keep it simple and focus on one thing: good health. And rather than zero in on Samantha, I made these weighty discussions a family affair that included her thin-as-a-rail sister, Annie. We talked about trying to log an hour of exercise every day, eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, and limiting – but not necessarily omitting – junk food from our diets. My friend did the same thing with her three boys.

Teaching my kids portion control was a little trickier. To rein in their temptation to overeat – the root of the nation’s weight problem, I think – I told them to try putting off until tomorrow the second helping you want today. “After all,” I said, borrowing a line from Scarlett O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day.”

It was a simple lesson – one that my kids got right away. “Guess what, Mom?” Samantha said to me one day. “I didn’t take the second cupcake today because I remembered what you said about there always being another time.”

Inside I cheered. But will these lessons stick? Will they succumb to the freshman 15? Will they keep it off as adults? Only time will tell.

December 26, 2012 | Filed Under Community | 1 Comment

Answers Parents Need to 5 Challenging Back-to-School Questions

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:59 pm

A while back the TODAY show offered parents the opportunity to call, email or skype in parenting questions about their children’s education. I appeared as the TODAY parenting contributor along with a fabulous high school chemistry teacher from Los Angeles and an incredible principal from the Baltimore area. The Today Show website was flooded with queries, but there were five the producers chose to be answered live because they were asked so frequently by parents. Here are my answers:

1. What do you do if your child’s teacher turns your child off from learning?

Most kids complain about a teacher, but if your kid isn’t a complainer, has legitimate and serious complaints that could jeopardize his learning, set up a teacher conference. Don’t rush to judgment but start on a positive note. Describe your concern, and then ask what two of you can do to solve it. (Use “we” more than “you” – you’re more likely to get a more helpful response). Then wait a week and see if there is any change. If there is no resolution and your child’s, persist. Go up the chain of command: principal, superintendent, to the school board. You may have to switch schools, but a toxic teacher can hinder your child’s education not only that year but start a lifelong spiral of defeat.

2. How do you know when to worry about your child’s learning? How do I know if my child has a learning disability?

If a child is really struggling (usually in math, reading or speech), just doesn’t get it, and is falling below his potential, abilities or peers it may be a learning disability. Talk to their teacher, and request an assessment for a possible Individual Education Plan (I.E.P.). If you’re not successful, make a written request to the site administrator. A learning disability is not a phase or something the child outgrows. If not treated early, things can snowball: your child gets further behind, his self-esteem plummets and behavior problems can result. Also, know that if the child is tested privately, you may pay – make sure school district accepts test results.

3. Your child is being exposed violence and sex at school that you never expected. How do you prepare them and yourself for the grittier parts of life?

Kids are exposed to R-rated issues at younger ages so get savvy and prepare yourself so you can prepare your kid. Talk to other parents. And eavesdrop on his friend’s conversations. (Carpooling is a great way to get that info!). Kids do need guidance to make sense out of usually false information as well as a sounding board to handle tougher issues like bullying and violence and sex. Tips:

Begin from the get-go by keeping an open dialogue with your child so he will come to you. You can then make sure that you give him information that is geared to his level of understanding.
Do believe your child. Kids say they told us “tough stuff” when they were younger, but then stopped when we responded with an “I don’t believe it” attitude.
Teach your child the difference between Reporting (trying to keep someone out of trouble) and Tattling (trying to get someone in trouble) in case there is bullying or violence. You and your child should know how to report threats to your school (and please take threats seriously 75% of kids before they commit homicide, suicide or violent act tell a peer. Kids are our best safety net.
Don’t ever promise your child you won’t tell – you may have to step in and report.

4. How much should I rely on my child’s guidance counselor?

A little reality check here: the average student–counselor high school ratio varies from 400 to 1,250[i] so you must be proactive. Go to every one of those open houses and always stop by and meet the guidance counselor at least once a year. Once there, clarify your teen’s educational aspirations early whether it is Ivy League to Junior College. Different courses have different values at different universities and you must ensure that your child is on the right course track. You also may want to tell the counselor that you do not want your teen changing courses without your permission. Teens do that often and there’s a rude awakening when your child is minus a key class. You want to make sure that counselor’s skills match your teen’s needs. You can request another counselor from the principal if you don’t think his or her needs or being met. There are also outside educational consultants but do know they can be pricey.

5. Should I push my teen into that challenging AP classes when he balks?

This is always a tough call but three things help you make the right decision:

Previous history: Take into account the child’s past grade in subject as well as the teacher or counselor recommendation. Do they feel your child is capable?
Kid’s view: Listen to the kid’s “why not” factor to help you determine if there is “just cause for not taking the class. Hear him out. There may be another reason besides “It’s too hard.”
Check your expectations: Ensure your expectations match your child’s actual abilities. Think of a rubber band: the right expectations stretch your child’s potential without snapping his spirit.

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[i] Guidance and School Counseling – A Brief History of School Guidance and Counseling in the United States

[i] Counselor ratio of 1-to-250 is recommended by the American School Counselor Association;

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is now available at amazon.com.

August 27, 2012 | Filed Under Affiliate, Community | Leave a Comment

How Do I Prepare My Child for Surgery?

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:16 am

The best approach to prepare children for surgery is to be honest and reasonably direct in describing what will happen. Maintain a constant upbeat, optimistic tone during these discussions. Younger children have many different levels of maturity and understanding, both intellectually and emotionally. The amount of detail you include in your explanation should take that into account. Emphasize that the doctors and nurses will do everything possible to minimize the pain and discomfort in preparing for surgery. But be honest in mentioning that there may be a little irritation or discomfort when they draw blood or insert an IV. Above all, repeatedly stress that you will be with your child every step of the way, doing your best to protect her from any problems. If there are any questions that you feel uncomfortable answering, consult her doctor.

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PLEASE NOTE: If you are following Pediatric Safety with Google Friends Connect: As of March 1, Google Friends Connect will be discontinued for any non-Blogger blogs, which includes this one. If you “follow” Pediatric Safety using that feature, you will no longer be able to do so. I encourage you to subscribe either with RSS feed or via email. You can find both options on the right of the sidebar. (Click on the orange icon for RSS feed or the envelope icon for email subscriptions.) Alternately, you can subscribe to the feed by clicking on “Join Our Community” on the top right of the sidebar. That also gives you the option of posting in the forum. Please email me if you have questions or need help!

February 27, 2012 | Filed Under Community | Leave a Comment

It’s Important to Explain Why “That’s Inappropriate!”

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:25 am

I don’t remember the phrase “that’s inappropriate!” from when I was growing up. Maybe it wasn’t used back then – or where I grew up in Canada. Or maybe I was just such a good girl…. Hmmm. But I must admit that it’s been a very handy phrase around our house over the past few years for things like: the use of “stupid,” excessive burping or bottom-waggling, and “toilet” humor – particularly at the dinner table.

Now, at our house, use of “that’s inappropriate” often gets good behavior results all on its own. Nevertheless, a recent incident at my son’s afterschool program highlighted how a great phrase like this can get over-used and become an excuse for not communicating properly with children when we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to handle a situation.

The “Situation”

One afternoon, at the school’s extended-care program, Elliott and his other 4th-grade friends were discussing characters from books like the “Percy Jackson” series. He’s read all the books and has become quite interested in and familiar with Greek Mythology.

Apparently one of the names they had come across was “Oedipus” – a tragic figure who unknowingly killed his father and married his mother (he had been given up for adoption as a baby) – made famous through Freud’s psychoanalytic “Oedipus Complex.” Although the boys didn’t know any of this back-story and only mentioned the name, their aftercare group leader heard their discussion and sharply told the boys: “That’s inappropriate!” Unfortunately her comments ended there – and my son’s confusion and sense of injustice began.

That evening, in relating his story, it was clear that Elliott really wanted to know what, if anything, he had done wrong. “If Oedipus is a character from Greek mythology, why would talking about it be inappropriate?” he asked. I told him that the conversation probably made his group leader – who was young and fairly new in her job – uncomfortable, since a famous doctor from over a hundred years ago created a theory called the “Oedipus Complex” to describe a mental illness when a boy loves his mother too much. “Too much?!” he proclaimed. “But aren’t we supposed to love our mothers?!” …..Hmmm. “Yes,” I said. “But Oedipus married his mother.”

The Outcome

Since Elliott’s response to that was “Ewww,” I concluded that he’s not suffering from the aforementioned complex – despite the fact that, at the age of two, he did say he wanted to marry me! We agreed that there probably wasn’t anything really inappropriate about Oedipus but that it was best not to talk about him at school, since some people clearly found the story disturbing. I don’t know if this was the right approach, but it seemed to satisfy him. And I did base my strategy on two common pieces of parenting advice for “socially-sensitive” subjects (like sex):

Don’t make a big deal about the issue – or your kids will
Communicate openly but don’t give them more information than they need or asked for

Now, I do wish that his aftercare teacher had handled the situation differently, but it did remind me that I also need to be careful of too-frequently reaching for the “that’s inappropriate” crutch. And I got a wonderful opportunity to practice my “sensitive-subject” skills. So I guess that’s ok.

December 9, 2011 | Filed Under Community | 1 Comment

When Mom Goes Back to School

Last updated on September 4th, 2015 at 10:46 pm

I took a leave of absence from work at the beginning of this year to spend more time with my son, then 8 years old. Work had been very stressful for a long time, with long hours and lots of overseas travel and the associated jet lag – which made me as mentally absent upon my return home as I had been physically absent during my trip.

One evening, when I was thinking about applying for leave, I asked my son about the idea during our bedtime cuddles. “So, sweetie, what would you think if, maybe, mommy didn’t work for a while….would you like that?” I said. His response, after a moment of consideration, surprised me. “No, I wouldn’t like that,” he said. Hmmph! What gratitude! Why was I even thinking of this??…But then, with a sly grin, he burst out with, “I would LOVE THAT!!!!!” That response – including his cute, sneaky delivery – made a real impact on me.

Despite my desire to be with him, I also wanted to use the time off for other purposes – and knew I would need other stimulation. Through my work over the previous few years implementing diabetes education programs, I had developed an interest in helping to improve the health of communities and was seriously considering going back to school to do a Masters degree in Public Health. During the spring I sought input from various colleagues and friends and talked it over with my husband – and I decided to apply.

During summer break I took my son to Chicago for a week of fun, sightseeing and mother-son bonding. But it was also a chance for me to connect with some colleagues located there, who I worked with on the diabetes program – one of whom acted as a reference for my graduate school application. Over dinner at the Rainforest Café (have to keep the kids engaged!), we talked about my potential renewed academic career, especially as my friend was an experienced healthcare professional. Well, what is the saying about little ears???

I found out on the drive back to our hotel that in all my planning for school, I had neglected to mention anything of the idea to my son. I hadn’t realized. How could that have been the case? Why didn’t it occur to me to involve him…at least to confer with him as I had when deciding whether to apply for leave from work? Well, I suppose I didn’t think he’d really care, or really “get” it. Much of the academic work would take place during the day while he was at school, and the program offered the option to go part-time, which I was strongly considering. At any rate, I realized I hadn’t told him – and I paid for that…

In the absence of a prepared and controlled delivery of the information, his imagination had taken control. His reaction in the car essentially went like this (imagine the panicked/frenetic tone of an eight-year-old boy):

“You’re going back to school??? Why? Who said? I don’t want you to go back to school. Have you talked to Dad about this? Isn’t this something the family should decide? What if Nelson and Fiona don’t want you to go? [Note: Nelson and Fiona are our DOGS!]

“No you can’t go back to school. You’ll never be around. You’ll be gone all the time. I’ll never see you. I’ll be stuck with Dad! [Sorry honey!] You took time off from work to spend with ME!”

Nothing I said had any impact. He was inconsolable. And he was determined. It was a short drive back to the hotel, and when we arrived he was off like a shot, the card-key to our room in his hand (it had become a little family ritual that when we stayed in hotels, Elliott got to carry one of the room keys and be the one to open the door). When I got to our room and knocked on the door, he wouldn’t let me in directly. He had the door on the security latch so it opened only a little and, before he would let me in, he insisted that I had to pinkie-swear that I wouldn’t go back to school! Well I started to lay down the law, but he was quite upset, even a little hysterical, so in the end I did pinkie-swear…oh boy!

When we got back home a couple of days later, we sat down as a family and talked about the situation. I told him I was going to school – I had received my acceptance by then – but that spending time with him was still a top priority, so I would do what I could to manage my schedule, and we would see how it went. He was eventually fine with the situation, especially once he knew more about what my going back to school meant (i.e. I wouldn’t be moving to a dorm like our college-babysitter!). But it was a good lesson for me. Kids are people all their own. It’s not possible to know what’s going on in their heads and how they might view new developments in the family….so it’s important to communicate with them early when changes might be happening. It also gave me some insight into how much he had been affected by my frequent and protracted business trips. It gave me additional reassurance that taking time off to be with him was the right thing to do, despite whatever issues it might create down the road for my career.

So, fast forward a couple of months and I’m now in classes – writing research papers and studying for tests – and things are generally working out fine at home. Plus I’m getting lots of material for future posts on health and safety! But more on that later…

September 23, 2011 | Filed Under Community | Leave a Comment

Love Is Not Abuse – Please Talk to Your Teens!!

Last updated on October 6th, 2015 at 12:33 am

Do you know what an abusive dating relationship looks like? Would you recognize the signs if your child was involved in one? Are you sure?

Two years ago a very close friend of mine discovered that his son (yes folks this happens to boys too) -his brilliant, talented, confident son – had spent his last semester at college involved in an abusive relationship. The girl he was dating sent him an unbelievable number of emails alternating between” I love you”, “I hate you”, “you’re everything to me”, “you’re nothing…none of your friends like you – I’m all you have”…etc. The stream of emails was almost constant…and in between there were phone calls and voice mails, all intended to build him up and then break him down until his self image became nothing more than a reflection of whatever mood she was in.

My friend found out about this – not by talking to his son – but when campus police called to notify him that they had received a tip that his son had left campus, taken a train to a nearby city, checked himself into a hotel and was talking about suicide. Ironically, it was his girlfriend who had called this in. Even sadder – despite the abuse (and warnings from his school) he could not stay away from her which resulted in his forced withdrawal from college. Although he was eventually allowed to return, the damage was done.

How could my friend not have seen that his son was in trouble?? Why didn’t he talk to him? Unfortunately his experience is not uncommon. Studies have shown that more than half of all parents do not recognize the warning signs. According to Cindy Southworth, founder of the National Network to End Domestic Violence’s Safety Net Technology Project, “one of the foremost challenges in dating abuse is understanding that using power and control over a dating partner often goes beyond physical violence”. Jane Randel of Liz Claiborne Inc. adds: “Despite the fact that one in four teens are victimized through technology, our research shows that parents are dangerously out of touch with the high levels of dating violence and abuse taking place in their children’s lives”. In truth, we can’t afford to be.

Fortunately parents, there is something that can help. Liz Claiborne Inc. recently launched Love Is Not Abuse (LINA), an iPhone app that provides parents with a rare insight into what it feels like for their teen to be a victim of digital dating abuse. The app simulates the abuse that many teens endure in their dating relationships. For just a few minutes, application users will receive text messages, emails and phone calls from a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ that mimic the actual communications abused teens receive – in many cases, all day and night.

Love Is Not Abuse provides parents with facts on teen dating abuse, helps them recognize abusive behaviors, directs them too immediate help if they suspect their child is in an abusive relationship and offers tips on how to talk to their teen about dating abuse. “When parents know concrete examples of what can constitute dating abuse, they are better-equipped to support their children.

So now we know…and now it’s up to you and me to do something! Remember, teen dating abuse comes in many forms, making it difficult to recognize. It does not always leaves scratches or bruises, so parents need also to be aware of subtle signs that their teen may be under attack through technology. And we need to acknowledge that this doesn’t make it any less serious.

Dating abuse can result in injury, death and mental health problems including suicidal thoughts, substance use, disordered eating and depression. My friend was lucky – he got the call before his son took his life… but it could just as easily have gone another way. Please talk to your kids and establish a support system before the abuse happens. Remind them that LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT – ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR is NEVER OK.