Tips for Potty Training Success

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 04:28 pm

Whether you call it potty training, toilet training, or toilet learning, teaching a child to use the toilet instead of diapers is a big task for both the parents and one that can cause a lot of frustration if you aren’t prepared ahead of time. MomRN recently shared several tips for potty training success on Great Day Green Country (Fox 23, Tulsa).

First, you should have plenty of patience and time! Some kids learn quickly, others need a long time to learn, so don’t rush it! They will learn eventually, trust me!

When to start potty training

Most kids are developmentally ready to start training somewhere between 22 and 30 months of age. Every child is different though so look for these signs that your child is ready to start the process:

• Your child is interested in using the potty or in wearing underwear
• Your child is able to tell you when she’s about to pee or poop, or shows signs that she is going
• Your child wants to be changed right after going in his diaper
• Your child is able to stay dry for at least 2 hours at a time
• Your child is able to walk to the bathroom on her own, pull her pants down and sit on a potty chair or climb up on a toilet

Even before a child is developmentally ready to start, you can do some pre-training by talking about using the potty as you are changing a diaper. Kids learn best by example, so your toddler can watch you or the other parent or an older sibling use the potty. Pretending to have a doll go potty is also a great way to introduce the concept.

Recommended tools

A potty chair that sits on the floor is ideal, so your child can easily sit on it without assistance. If you prefer to use a potty seat that fits on top of a regular toilet seat, make sure you have a step stool to help them climb up and down and to rest their feet on, as it will help your child feel more secure and comfortable. There are some great potty training books and DVDs you can share with your child to help him learn. I used Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Drs. Nathan Azrin and Richard M. Foxx and found it very helpful when my oldest child was a toddler. I did not follow it exactly and chose to spread out the process longer than a day, but I used many of their suggestions and the process went pretty smoothly, so I used it again for my youngest child. We also had a potty training video called It’s Potty Time by Learning Through Entertainment, Inc and Duke University Medical Center. It had fun songs and skits about potty training and my kids and the children in my daycare loved it. It is available on DVD now and I highly recommend it.

“Big Boy” or “Big Girl” underwear with your child’s favorite cartoon characters or other fun designs can make potty training more appealing. Cheerios can be used as “targets” for little boys to help them learn to aim and to make potty training fun. There are also flushable targets you can buy in bright colors and fun shapes. Stickers or other small rewards can be used to encourage your child to go to the potty. A doll that drinks a bottle and “wets” can also help teach your child.

When to wait or stop the training process

If you and/or your child are getting too frustrated or upset over the potty training process, you may need to put it on hold and wait a few weeks, then try again. Otherwise it could become a big control issue or battle of wills and may take much longer for your child to become potty trained. It’s also not a good idea to start potty training during a stressful time in your child’s life, such as a move, divorce, or the birth of a sibling. It’s better to wait until things are more stable. And setbacks and regression are common if stressful events occur after a child has been potty trained. Be patient and understanding if that occurs. If you are concerned about your child’s potty training problems, consult with your pediatrician or family doctor.

Bullying & Students with Special Needs – Defend the Defenseless

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 10:26 am

There have been so many horrible stories about bullying in the news lately. It makes me wonder why there was no media coverage when it happened to me and my friends back in the day. I hope it is a sign that our civilization is becoming more aware of the issue.

Individuals with special-needs are especially vulnerable to bullying, according to Starr Taxman of Starr Taxman Children’s Advocacy and Investigative Services. She is also a mother of three, and two of her children have special needs. Starr is also a sought-after speaker on the topic of bullying and interventions that help stop it.

Evidence supports Starr’s position: A 2008 report in the British Journal of Support holds that while 25% of the general student population reported being bullied, the number among students with special needs was 60% – and remember, that is only accounting for what the students reported – or were able to report!

Often people with special needs are unable to communicate traditionally, so they may not be able to explain what is happening. This was the case with Kathy Coleman’s 31-year-old non-verbal son with autism. He was able to communicate that he feared his caregiver, and his observant mom saw bruises on him, so she put hidden cameras in his room at the care facility. She was shocked at what she captured on film, and also at the facility’s reaction – to try to destroy the evidence!  Naturally she is suing, and her son is no longer living there.

Even in paradise, bullying rears its ugly head. Recently at a school in Hawaii a 5-year-old boy with autism was being beaten up by a group of 5th graders. The young boy was reportedly down on the ground in a fetal position! A super-brave 2nd grade girl named Eileen Parkman stepped up and told the boys what they were doing wasn’t right. She was then beaten herself, and also became a target at the school. After several bullying incidents she transferred, but she has won the Maui Autism Center’s bravery award for being a “Defender of the defenseless.” On his Facebook page, Eileen’s father has thanked everyone for their support of Eileen because it helps her to hear that she did the right thing. As if that was ever a question??? What kind of world has this become???

The Bully Project has some great resources, including a special section about students with special needs. Their website includes clips from the award-winning film Bully and there are downloadable materials available. Students with disabilities have legal rights, and many situations go beyond bullying and into the legal area of harassment.

Peer advocacy is a great deterrent to bullying, so be sure to teach all your children – typical and those with special needs – to stand up for themselves and for each other.

How to Talk to Your Kids About…Using Bad Language

Last updated on January 27th, 2013 at 10:54 pm

No parent likes to hear four letter words around the house, or potty talk during a play date. Talking to our children about the importance of appropriate words, can help put a stop to the foul language and dirty mouths.

When bad words start appearing at your house, don’t overreact. This is what your child wants you to do. When we get upset and draw attention to the unacceptable words, our children will use them more and more to get attention. We need to stay calm.

Take time to talk to your children:

• Explain that even though they may hear other people using profanity, it is not acceptable in your family and you expect them to make better word choices.
• It is also important to talk to your children about how words can hurt people just like hitting them does. Foul language can be mocking, degrading, and scornful. Help your child examine the effects that swear words have on others and on themselves. Where appropriate, use a personal example to illustrate a time when bad words hurt you or someone you know.
• When your child does use profanity, make it clear that you expect them to apologize to those around them that heard the bad language.

Then, take time to talk to them about why they are using those words and how they feel when they swear. Talk about other words they could use when they are angry or frustrated, instead of foul language.

Our children learn the most from the example we set for them. We must be sure that we are not using bad words. My husband learned this the hard way. About a year ago he said, “these kids were screwing around at school” in front of our 3 year old. Although this is not a four-letter word, we don’t want our three year old saying it. She spent the rest of the day saying, “screwing around.” Hearing it once was all it took. My husband learned quickly, to watch every word. We also learned to pay close attention to the music they listen to, the TV and movies they watch, and the friends they play with.

Talk about the consequences of swearing, before it happens. Choose wisely. The consequence should encourage them to make better word choices, without scaring them off from communicating with you altogether. Talk to your child about why they used the words they did. Did they swear to impress their friends, to get your attention, or maybe because they are angry? There are reasons our children talk like this, try to find the reason and it will aid in knowing how to deal with the problem.

Other tips for dirty mouths:

• When children are small, teach them the correct names for body parts. This way, they will be “no big deal words” to your kids and they won’t get excitement or satisfaction out of using them.
• Often, children of all ages swear or use potty talk to get attention. Children need lots of attention. Whether the attention comes from positive or negative actions, they are still getting attention. Be sure you are giving your children plenty of positive attention.
• Do not respond to bad language. Make it clear that you won’t respond unless they speak using appropriate words. Walk away if you need to.
• Teach kids how to manage and deal with anger. Older kids swear because they are angry or trying to fit in and be popular. If they learn young how to manage their anger, they will be less likely to swear when they are mad. Teach them self-mastery. Help build your child’s self esteem so that they don’t feel the need to act out, to “fit in” and be popular. Make sure they know how popular they are in your eyes so they aren’t overly seeking that attention in other places.

It is very normal for young children and teenagers to go through “dirty mouth” phases. We can’t stop the words from coming out of their mouths, but we can do a few things that shorten the “phase” and keep things on track.

Stress Affects Kids’ Health Too – Maybe All their Lives

Last updated on August 29th, 2015 at 03:00 pm

Throughout my studies in public health I am constantly being introduced to new and interesting perspectives on the health of communities, as well as all the influences that can undermine our well-being. Right now I am taking a course on the behavioral and biological impacts of stress. Stress is integrally related to our health – not just affecting our mood or our sleep – but working at the basic level of our tissues and cells to advance early negative processes that lead to heart disease, or impair our immune systems.

And stress isn’t just an element in the adult world. Children increasingly suffer stress and stress-related disorders as well. The National Institute of Mental Health, part of the government’s National Institutes of Health, reports that 11% of teens have experienced depression at some time in their life to date, and studies have shown similar rates of anxiety disorders among youth. Furthermore, stress in childhood – particularly extreme levels related to neglect, abuse and ongoing family dysfunction – appears to have longer-term health effects. A report from the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), The Effects of Childhood Stress on Health Across the Lifespan, highlights a range of negative outcomes from “toxic stress” such as alterations in brain development, impaired learning and memory, and immune system issues in later life.

Even everyday stresses that result from a competitive and complex society have been shown to adversely impact health, both of people and of animals such as baboons. An excellent National Geographic video – Stress, Portrait of a Killer – outlines how dealing with long-term challenges and having a low position in society (human or baboon) can undermine health. The video is about an hour long, but it’s well worth watching with a – relaxing – hot drink.

So what about kids? Do they experience everyday or ongoing stress? Personally, I’ve seen it with my son. In second grade he experienced a period of bullying and wasn’t enjoying school. It took us some time to realize the extent of his stress and anxiety but he was exhibiting some of the classic signs, such as detachment, crying spells, and self-comfort such as rocking. Click here for more on stress and the possible signs in young children. Now in 5th grade he’s talking about feeling stressed from all the homework he’s getting – and I can see how it is sometimes affecting his mood and sleep. In fact our experience is consistent with findings from a national Kid’s Health poll of 9-13 year-olds that showed the top childhood stressors to be “grades, school, and homework (36%); family (32%); and friends, peers, gossip, and teasing (21%)”.

Thankfully, both adults and children can learn to manage or reduce their stress levels – with a variety of relaxation approaches available to try – from mindfulness, to yoga, to massage and deep-breathing exercises.  In my next post I will review a resource for practicing a common stress-reduction technique “progressive muscle relaxation,” created just for kids.

Chase Away Your Little One’s Winter Blues

Last updated on January 14th, 2013 at 12:58 pm

Maybe you’re one of the lucky parents who is having a snowy winter and your children are worn out from sledding, ice skating and snow ball fights. Or maybe you’re like me and it’s too cold to play outside but no snow in sight. Or maybe you have babies or very young children who are still at the point where the time spent outside before they are freezing cold is roughly half the amount of time you spent bundling them into snow pants, coats, boots and mittens. So how do you keep your children active, happy and worn out at the end of the day? Try a quick trip to your YMCA or Park District pool or even just a mid-day bath to soothe your savage beasts and chase away the winter blues.

There are a number of fun water safety games you can play with your child, starting as infants and adding as they get older – because they are fun, you are making a good experience even more positive while you are teaching them to be safe – it’s a win-win!

• Bath time: Start first by being positive with your baby in the bath. Toys, songs, allowing them to splash are all important ways of making your baby comfortable in and around water which will lessen their fear later on. It’s especially good for your baby to gradually get used to having water poured over their face – it’s the first step to putting their face in and blowing bubbles. Splashing may make a mess but it also lets a baby control water getting in their face. Talk to your baby, tell them you will always be near them when they are in water – and then do it – never leave your child alone in the tub. I still check regularly and my daughter is 9.
• Humpty Dumpty: Start playing ‘Humpty Dumpty’ when your child can first sit up, even if it’s only with your help. The child sits on the side of the pool while you hold them, you sing ‘Humpty Dumpty’ and when Humpty does a big fall you help your child ‘fall’ forward and then say ‘turn around and hold on!’ Their head doesn’t go under water and at first they probably can’t even grasp the side, so just put their fist on the side of the pool. But over time you graduate to having their head go under and eventually letting go of them, but always, ‘turn around and hold on’. Young children love the repetition of the familiar rhyme and the actions, as in I’ve played this game at least a thousand times with my two children.
• Monkey Hands: When your child has the physical coordination, have them hold on to the side of the pool with both hands, with feet against the wall and ‘walk’ their hands around the pool. At first they may only be able to go a couple of feet – to the ladder or steps, but over time they’ll want to try going around the whole pool and then pulling themselves out on the side – no ladder or steps. If you’ve got older children, challenge them to go one length of the pool or all the way around – and watch them. You’re helping them build strength and confidence, if they ever fall in they won’t panic if they can’t immediately pull themselves out, they will know to do ‘monkey hands’ to the nearest step or ladder or just to hold on until help arrives.
• For Older Kids: Holding a child’s hand and having them push down to touch the bottom of the pool, then where the pool slopes, is also great once they get a bit older and have mastered Humpty Dumpty and Monkey Hands. Again, it will help them internalize the correct reaction if they fall in – ‘oh yes, I just push up from the bottom and grab the side’. You are teaching them to just react correctly to save themselves. I moved on to jumping in the deep end and swimming the length of the pool, diving for rings, and ‘coral reef dives’ – they have to swim between my legs without touching the coral (my legs) or the coral will scrape them. My son, the future marine biologist, loved this one.

The idea with all these games is the same, give the child confidence, let them learn their limits in the water gradually, and most importantly, teach them what to do if they ever do fall in the water unexpectedly. You are teaching them to rescue themselves, or at worst, not panic for at least a crucial minute or two until you notice they are missing, because babies usually drown in bathtubs and children ages 1-5 usually drown in swimming pools. Don’t be surprised when each of your children progresses at a radically different rate. My son was diving and swimming competently at four, my daughter didn’t really connect until seven – but now they both love water, understand safety and their own limitations.

If you can get out and enjoy the frozen water (snow), remind your children to stay away from frozen ponds, lakes, streams and ponds unless the local authorities have declared them safe for ice skating. Water safety really is a year-round concern.

How to Talk to Your Kids About…Divorce

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 10:33 am

Divorce is a very sensitive subject. One that is hard for all parties involved. It can be especially difficult for parents to know how to talk to their children about such an adult subject.

Adults need to realize that the way they talk about divorce will set the tone for how their children view, and handle the situation.

 Do’s

• If possible, talk to your children about the divorce together as a family, with both parents present.
• Talk to your children as soon as you have decided to get a divorce. Don’t put it off. Hiding it from your children will not make it easier.
• Make sure you and your spouse agree before hand on what you are going to tell your children.
• Assure your children that they are not responsible for the divorce.
• Tell them why you are getting a divorce, but keep it age appropriate. (Your father and I don’t get along anymore, and living together has become awkward.)
• Talk to them about the most important details, how the divorce will affect them. (Include, where the children will live, who they will live with, where the other parent will live, when the other parent is leaving, how visitations will work, etc…)
• Assure them repeatedly that they are loved.
• Assure them that you have tried to work things out.
• Talk about how things are going to stay the same. Remember children like predictability because it makes them feel safe and secure.

Key phrases that you might consider including.

• “You haven’t done anything to cause the divorce; this is between me and your father.“
• “Just because your mother and I won’t be living together anymore, it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you.”
• “Just because I won’t be living here, doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me whenever you want. You can always call me on the phone, anytime. You can always reach me.”
• “Even though your mother and I won’t be living in the same house, we will always be here for you. We both love you very much.”
• “Your dad and I understand that you might be feeling lots of different things. We are always here to talk about how you feel and answer any questions you have..”

Don’ts

• Don’t try to buy your child’s love to make the divorce more manageable for them. Kids don’t want gifts; they want you and your spouse. They want security and to feel loved. They want honesty and loyalty.
• Don’t talk negative about your spouse.
• Don’t talk to your children when you are angry
• Don’t talk about the details of the divorce such as financial matters and custody issues.
• Don’t blow off your children’s questions.
• Don’t rush your children into adulthood. Let them be children. Keep them protected from adult details and adult decisions.
• Don’t take your resentment or frustrations for your spouse, out on your children.

Divorce is difficult for all families, but with patience and preparations, talking to your children about divorce can be a positive experience that assures them that above all things, they are loved, and always will be.

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