Special Siblings: How a Child Sees Special Needs

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:48 pm

The other day my three children and I got into a discussion about special needs kids. They all go to a charter school with a mission statement of inclusion, and many special needs students are enrolled there. There are “paras” in each class – paraprofessionals who assist these special students. Each class has space for three special needs children. My 6-year-old son commented that his kindergarten class only has two of these kids.

I was shocked. His class does have three special needs kids – the third one is his twin sister!  I told him this gently, not wanting to make a big deal about it. But he argued with me, saying that his sister didn’t need any help like that. The other two students in his class can have extreme behavior even though they have completely different conditions.

Since they are twins my son came along to every therapy session, doctor’s appointment, assessment and specialist. He was right there beside her for the entire journey – special equipment, toys, bottles, shoes and more. People came in and out of our house to work with her. We went to an inclusion mommy and me program and preschool. But he doesn’t remember most of it since he was a baby. As he got older, I guess he didn’t question it. I know he and his older brother get a little jealous because the rules are sometimes different for her, but for the most part she is just their sister.

For more on siblings of special needs kids:

• Check out the book by Holly Robinson Peete and her daughter at Amazon.com
• Here is a great article from the University of Michigan on Siblings of Special Need Kids
• Article from New York Times 2006
• Also, most Counseling centers and Regional Centers have support groups for siblings

If you have a special needs child have you dealt with situations like this?

When One Little Boy Said NO to Bullying… a Message for 2019

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:54 pm

Have you noticed…it’s hard to go a week without hearing or reading a story about bullying. There’s the “traditional” bullying we all knew growing up – and perhaps dismiss a bit too easily because of that. The skinny kid being shoved in the hallway…the mean rumors spread about one kid by the “in-crowd”.

And then there’s the new “flavor” of torment –cyber-bullying. Where leaving school no longer brings relief but often just opens the door to a whole new world of abuse. By email, by phone, on social networks, the insults, the hurt just keeps coming.

We read about it…

We read the sad stories – after the fact – when bullying contributes to the death of a child:

• Rebecca Ann Sedwick – the 7th grader from Florida – who jumped to her death from an abandoned cement silo after enduring a year of online and in-person bullying.
• Jordan Lewis – a sophomore in high school – who committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest. In a note, he blamed his suicide on bullying… and more recently
• Brandy Vela – the 18 year old Texas teenager – who put a gun to her chest and killed herself in front of her family after being relentlessly bullied.

A 2013 Huffington Post article announced that bullying is starting to become recognized as a public health issue. According to Dr. Jorge Srabstein, medical director of the Clinic for Health Problems Related to Bullying at the Children’s National Medical Center (CNMC), “Bullying is linked to a wide range of health issues, both physical and emotional symptoms.“   It’s four years later, and that same sentiment is echoed in a 2017 article published by CNN: “Bullying is a ‘serious public health problem,’ experts say.”

How do we enter 2019 with this hanging over us? Can we change this scary direction we’re heading in??

To answer that, I’m going to share with you a story…well actually it’s an email, but the email itself tells the story. It was written by an ELEVEN year old, to his school principal.

Email Subject: I have found out about a serious bully situation – Benjamin E.

Dear Mr. C.

I began writing this e-mail as soon as I got home, I was on my bus and I found an eighth grade boy, I forgot his name already, but he is in eighth grade and is black and rides bus 115. Anyways, he was crying so I talked to him. He looked so depressed and sad and nobody was paying him any heed. The first thing he said to me was “I’m a loser”. I tried to comfort him and all, but nothing worked I told him to tell his parents about his being bullied but he said that his dad was out of the state and he thought his mom might have moved, he has a grannie though. He says that he doesn’t know the bully’s name, but the bully is male, white, an eighth grader, and is not on bus 115. He say he has no friends, he also says his mom did this to him and that his parents are awful people. I tried to get him to make friends with someone else on the bus but he says they don’t follow him at school so they can’t be his friend…or something like that. I have notified the bus driver of bus 115 and he said “oh, yeah, he does that” so I e-mailed you. I am very worried about him since he said this is my life which made me think he really hated himself.

If you want, I would be happy to talk to you about this boy being bullied. if you need to get ahold of me, my classes are….xxxxx

Sincerely, Benjamin E., 6th grade

So, to answer the question I asked before… can we change this scary direction we’re heading in??

I have to believe if an eleven-year old could write this email, we have a chance.

Starting with one child… and parents who care enough to teach that bullying isn’t ok (and neither is just standing by and watching it happen) …and a school system that reinforces that message and teaches kids what to do if they see someone being bulled…

I think we can

…it only takes one Benjamin to jump in and care and make a difference in one child’s life…and a whole bunch of people to share his story…and hopefully before long, there are two kids…and then four.

That is my wish for all of us for 2019

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Note:  For some wonderful anti-bullying resources, please go to the National Bullying Prevention Center

The Debate on Teens and Social Media: In Perspective

Last updated on September 16th, 2018 at 02:59 pm

The debate over the effects of social media on our teen’s mental health is a heated one. Some argue that social media is causing narcissism, depression, and anxiety among other things. Others believe social media actually aids people with depression and anxiety by giving them an outlet and a support group that they might not have had otherwise.

With rising depression and suicide rates, it is understandable that we would seek causes that are easily actionable, like social media use.

Regardless of which side you are on, this debate highlights some important issues facing our society right now:

Our society is developing at a faster rate than has ever been seen before. We are living in the Information Age and our children are more immersed in news, politics, pop culture, and advertisements than any generation before.  Information is now widely available to adults and children alike and the dark parts of our society are coming more into the light. Our children know and see things that many of us didn’t have to deal with until we were adults, or didn’t have to deal with at all.

This means our dialogue with our children will have to change and the direction we choose to take this conversation will affect our future.

The internet is bringing mental health issues to light in a way that has never been possible before now. Social media platforms give individuals, who otherwise might never have had space, the place to discuss their experiences. This can be cathartic for them and help them find a community of people who relate. This is especially important for children and teens who may not have a healthy home life and good support system within their physical community. Mental illness is a major problem in our society and has been for a long time – as it becomes less stigmatized it will be easier for the kids and teens affected to reach out for help. 

As they become more comfortable reaching out, it is up to us how their call for help is answered. Parents and communities have a wonderful opportunity to use the internet to observe and act on mental health issues before they become a crisis. However, social media, like mental illness, doesn’t play favorites. If the wrong person responds, the situation can escalate from bad to worse very quickly.

Social media can serve as a type of coping mechanism, something that helps kids, teens, and adults deal with the stressors of life. Coping mechanisms are important, but it is very important that they be used in a healthy way. Anything can be used to the point where it causes harm under the right circumstances and social media is no exception.

Social media is a tool. Tools are very important. Social media can be used to spread hatred and violence, or it can be used to organize protests against those same ideals. It can be a support system, a place of comfort, or a sounding board for a new creative project. It can be used amongst friends to make plans and share moments when they are far apart, or by loved ones to keep up with relatives who live in different cities. It can also be used to bully kids and spread disinformation.

We need to learn the positive impacts of social media on the world as well as the negative so that we can, in turn, teach our children how to use it in a healthy and positive way.

As we continue to find our way in this new world I believe it is important to keep a few things in mind.

• Mental health issues are caused by a variety of factors, and the seeds for the crisis we are facing now were sewn long before social media.
• Teaching our children to respect themselves and others will go a long way in both the physical world and online
• For better or worse, the Internet is here to stay and social media is a huge part of that. I believe we need to keep an open mind and remember the good that can come from this shift as well as the bad
• The Internet is a reflection of our physical world, the issues facing children online are also facing them in the real world and we won’t change the Internet without addressing the causes of those issues in the outernet.

When tragedy strikes we look for explanations. When something like the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting happens, we must ask questions like, did social media exacerbate Cruz’s mental illness to the point of violence? Or did we miss his calls for help and, in our grief, use social media as a scapegoat for a society that ultimately failed him?

For more information on the links between social media and mental health, check out these resources:

Teens, Social Media, and Technology – Pew Research Center

Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking – NCBI

Can Social Media Help People with Serious Mental Illness Feel More Connected to Their Community? – NIDILRR

Benefits of Social Media For Mental Health Support – Healthyplace.com

How to Help Adopted Children Face Their Unique Challenges

Last updated on July 30th, 2018 at 02:25 pm

Adoption is a wonderful way for a child to find a permanent, loving home and a solution for parents who cannot have kids. However, it is also fraught with complicated emotions and issues that might not be obvious on the surface. This guide should take the guesswork out of what those challenges are and how to face them with dignity and success.

Self-Esteem and Identity Issues

Most adopted children at some point in their lives feel a sense of grief and loss over the separation from their birth family. Even children who were adopted as babies may go through these emotions when they get older and better understand the situation. Older kids may grieve for the loss of siblings or other family members they remember.

Adoptive parents sometimes struggle in handling these emotions. Their adopted child may start to show signs of anger, anxiety or fear and feel like they don’t belong or don’t know where they fit in. Their self-esteem may dip as they consider the question of why their birth parents did not keep them. As they struggle with identity issues, they may lash out at their loving adoptive parents or siblings to figure it all out. They may feel rejected by certain members of the family, and this can impact their self-esteem also.

These complicated emotions can lead to guilt over hurting the feelings of their adoptive family. Now is the time for support and relying on resources outside the family to help counsel each member, so relationships within the family do not suffer.

School Challenges and Other Mental Health Challenges

Often kids are adopted from foster care after being removed from dysfunctional homes where they experienced trauma, abuse or neglect. All these factors can contribute to developmental delays and sometimes, mental health issues as well. Some other things to watch out for are anxiety, depression, ADHD, attachment disorder, substance abuse and even behavioral problems. Here are some additional resources to help adoptive parents of children who have experienced abuse and/or neglect. 

If you adopted an older child who experienced some form of trauma or abuse, they should be in counseling until all of the issues are resolved. Family counseling is also strongly recommended.

Managing Post-Adoption Issues

The adoption process is a wonderful thing, but it can also cause the entire family discomfort during the adjustment period. There are plenty of post-adoption resources, clinics, counseling and even reading material that can help you process things until your child is fully integrated into your family.

• Talk openly with your child and make yourself available to them. Be honest about their adoptions and answer any questions they may have.
• Find out as much as you can about their history, so you know what to expect and how to help them.
• Reach out to therapists and other resources when needed.
• Do your best to love them and provide a stable, consistent home with boundaries and expectations.

How to Bond With Your Adoptive Child

Sometimes it takes a little while to form a parent-child bond with your adopted child. A few ways you can help the bonding process are:

Build Attachment

Connect with your child on commonalities that you share. If a baby, cuddle, hug and talk to your child a lot. Let them learn to love the sound of your voice.

Play Together

Playing together is an important way to bond with your adopted child. It also helps build social and development skills as well.

Provide Consistency

Kids crave consistency and routine. As they get used to coming home from school and seeing you, it starts to develop into a dependent and reliant relationship.

Show Them Love

Often kids who are adopted at older ages act out to see if you will “send them back.” Make sure they know you love them no matter what and you are a family for good.

The World of Child Immigration and What We Can Do to Help

Last updated on July 30th, 2018 at 02:27 pm

A Brief Introduction

About 10 weeks ago the Trump administration implemented a new immigration policy. All immigrants crossing the border illegally, even if they were seeking political asylum would now be prosecuted as criminals and their children would be taken from them.  There were even a number of immigrant asylum seekers who followed US law and presented themselves properly at legal border crossings and still found themselves being treated as criminals and subjected to the same new immigration policy which separated them from their children. Roughly 3,000 children have since been separated from their families.

After a massive public outcry, Trump signed an executive order that stopped the separation. However, it did nothing to reunite the families already split and ensures the continued detention and prosecution of all people attempting to cross the border, children included.

A judge has ordered that all of the children be reunited with their families by the end of July, a deadline which the White House has already requested be extended. As the struggle continues to try and undo some of the horrors of the last few months, information and calls to action continue to flow through communities.

The Facts:

• Around 3,000 children separated
• Some children as young as toddlers
• Held in overcrowded “detention centers” with inadequate supervision or care
• We don’t know how many have been reunited so far
• Per President Trump’s executive order, the children and their families crossing the border illegally will still be prosecuted as criminals regardless of whether or not they are seeking asylum. Many who cross the border at legal points will also find themselves facing criminal charges. 

What We Can Do

It is natural in times like these to be so horrified by a series of events that we become paralyzed.  The weight of the world can be so great that it feels like our souls are being crushed. It is at times like these that we must choose not to hide or be overcome by despair. Every one of us can make a difference.

For the children and their families:

• Volunteer agencies* are seeking social workers, lawyers, and individuals with language skills to act as translators to help reunify these families and represent them in court.
• Become a Child Advocate
• Foster an immigrant child while they wait to be reunited with their families and work through immigration procedures
• Donate to any of the numerous organizations that have mobilized to support Asylum Seekers and Immigrants

For our future:

• Educate ourselves- evils like this happen because of ignorance, it is up to us to educate ourselves about our history and our country’s policies so that we know what kind of future we are trying to create
• Talk to each other- we can feel so alone at times like these, but acting as a community will give us the support we need and make us more effective
• Be brave

For ourselves:

• Breathe- take a minute to breathe and touch base with yourself mentally and physically. There is a lot going on and we need rest. Even if it’s just a moment’s.
• Take breaks– from the news, from social media, from conversations about politics and the state of society. If we don’t take breaks we can become overwhelmed and may struggle with depression or anxiety.
• Be willing to grow- this goes with “educate ourselves.” As we learn new things our past assumptions about the world are challenged. It can be frightening, we may feel threatened, both are perfectly natural responses. Try to accept the new information anyway.
• Talk to people about what you feel

The United States can be better than this, but we have to choose to be.

*Individuals are not allowed to volunteer at the detention facilities themselves, so it is best to find an agency to help.

• Donating for legal services: RAICES, Kids In Need of Defense, American Gateways…more
• Donating for shelter and advocacy: Together Rising, The Young Center, the Salvation Army of El Paso
• Donating for supplies: Comfort Cases
• Donating for care: Circle of Health International, Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Service 

How to Recognize Anxiety and Help Your Anxious Child

Last updated on July 15th, 2018 at 07:24 pm

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