Mirror, Mirror on the Wall – The Kid I See Is Not Me At All

Last updated on July 15th, 2018 at 07:36 pm

Editor’s Note:  

* Clarification Provided for our U.S. Readers

** Resources Outside the UK:

• IOCDF – Non-Profit Foundation- provides information and support for individuals with OCD and BDD – link is specific to teens and young adults
• Local US Resources for Body Dismorphic Disorder – list of top 1000 cities
• Anxiety and Depression Association of America – online support groups for BDD

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The Instability of the “Dreamers'” Future Hurts All Children

Last updated on May 27th, 2018 at 09:09 pm

If you follow the news at all, I’m sure you’ve heard about the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program. To summarize it, it is a program that has kept around 690,000 young, illegal immigrants from being deported. It was put into place by the Obama administration in 2012 after numerous attempts by Congress to come up with a permanent solution for “Dreamers” failed. The DACA provides children who were brought into the United States illegally, as minors, the ability to work and go to school without fear of deportation.

Many of these children grow up without having any idea of what their legal status is or what being illegal means. Now, they are facing a very uncertain future, especially those who plan to go to college. However, what I really want to address here is why the debate over what to do with Dreamers matters to us as guardians of young people.

When we choose to take responsibility for a child or teenager, even to the smallest degree, we are choosing to also have a direct impact on the future of our society. Culture affects young people differently than it does adults. As adults, we have, in many cases, been given the resources and experiences to learn which aspects of our culture we agree with and which we do not. We then build up a worldview that we protect and that protects our sense of self.

Children do not have this yet. They are still sorting through their understanding of the world and learning their emotions. It is up to us to guide them along that path. This brings me back to the debate over the DACA. Social environments have distinct impacts on child and adolescent development. Children must be able to have faith in the structures of authority that surround them. These structures are supposed to provide them with the safe space they need to develop as human beings. When these structures show themselves as unstable it has far reaching psychological effects not just for the children directly involved, but also for the rest of the population.

Uncertainty and fear can cripple the human mind, especially the tender developing mind of a child or teenager that is particularly vulnerable to stress. Many of these children who are now facing an uncertain future want to pursue higher education. Putting their futures in jeopardy hurts them as individuals and through their struggles their friends and their friends friends will lose faith in a system that is already on shaky ground. The ripple effect of this kind of uncertainty is sure to have lasting repercussions past what we can see.

As these uncertainties become more apparent, it falls on us as caretakers, to work even harder than we do already to provide a stable and healthy environment for our children and the children around us to grow in. We must listen to their needs and support them, as individuals, and as a whole as we strive towards a better future for all.

Children Learn What They Live

by Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism,

They learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility,

They learn to fight.

If children live with ridicule,

They learn to be shy.

If children live with shame,

They learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement,

They learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance,

They learn to be patient.

If children live with praise,

They learn to appreciate.

If children live with acceptance,

They learn to love.

If children live with approval,

They learn to like themselves.

If children live with honesty,

They learn truthfulness.

If children live with security,

They learn to have faith in themselves and others.

If children live with friendliness,

They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

(Copyright © 1972/1975 by Dorothy Law Nolte)

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Your Kids to Find Their Inner Hero

Last updated on April 20th, 2018 at 08:34 am

How to cultivate courage for our bubble-wrapped kids so they find strength to face adversity and do the right thing.

Empathy Habit #8: MORAL COURAGE: Empathy is the miraculous quality that allows us to feel with others, but in order to act on those feelings kids need Moral Courage. Courage emboldens kids to speak out, step in, and help others and it is the eighth out of the Nine Crucial Empathy Building Habits in UnSelfie. We can cultivate courage. So let’s roll up our sleeves and get started. This is a Brave New World and children will need the skills and know-how to find that inner bravery to do the right thing. To read more about how this habit gives children the Empathy Advantage and how to cultivate it in children, refer to Chapter 8: Moral Courage in UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World.

My favorite movie about courage is, “We Bought a Zoo.” One scene is especially powerful: The teen son admits to his dad that he’s crazy about a girl, but unless he musters the courage to tell her that, their relationship is over. His dad’s advice is priceless: “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

The truth is that sometimes kids need gentle nudges to step out of their comfort zone and discover their inner strength. Our job is to help our children find their 20 seconds of safe courage, so they can do the right thing when their conscience or heart urge them to step in and help.

Why is it important for kids to be courageous? A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure, say “no” to temptations that run counter to your family’s values, and fight the good fight.

Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’ resilience, confidence, willpower, and mental health as well as their learning, performance, and school engagement.

The good news is that courage can be taught.We often make the mistake of thinking of courage as an elusive quality  that is locked into our DNA. But my research shows that bravery is made up of teachable skills.

Teaching those skills to our kids – regardless of GPA, gender or temperament (introverts or extroverts) – is how we can help our children learn the skills of courage. And that’s how we raise a generation of caring, courageous children who think WE, not ME.

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage and Stretch Kids’ Risk-Taking Muscles

Here are nine ways to stretch kids’ risk-taking muscles in our bubble-wrapped world, so they can face adversity and do the right thing:

1. Model courage. Kids who watch their parents stick their necks out to do the right thing are more likely to do the same. Let your child see you step out of your comfort zone, whether it’s tackling your fear of heights or speaking up to your boss. Then express how good it feels when you conquer your fear instead of taking a shortcut. Kids learn how to take on the tough challenges they face from witnessing how you tackle your own fears.

2.Talk about values and courage. Research finds that kids are more likely be courageous if they believe that their parents expect them to support those in need. Discuss bravery with your kids: Tell them, “Courage is making the choice to do what you know is right even if you are afraid.” Some parents develop a family courage mantra like “We find courage to do what’s right, even if it’s hard.” Or you might tell your child, “Our family speaks up and helps others.”

3. Stop bubble-wrapping and rescuing your kids. Always “fixing” children’s problems only makes them more dependent and reduces their ability to bravely seek their own solutions. It also sends a disturbing message: “I’ll help because you can’t do it alone.” If you’re “over-helping,” start building your child’s courage muscles by putting him in the driver’s seat. He – not you – tells his coach he can’t make practice. She apologizes to her pal without your assistance.

4. Encourage your kids to share their acts of bravery. Learning to be brave takes practice, so encourage your children to do something courageous every day, like introducing themselves to someone new, inviting a new classmate to play or standing up for a peer. Then take time to focus on their courageous breakthroughs. One dad I spoke with had his kids list their “brave successes” on paper strips, then stapled the strips together to make “courage chains.” A mom I talked to had her kids to share their brave deeds at dinner time.

5. Dispel the “Superman myth.” Many kids assume they need to look like a superhero to be courageous. Share stories of those who changed the world with their quiet, nonphysical brave acts. Jackie Robinson, the first black player in Major League baseball, was heckled because of his skin color. He showed great bravery by preserving and conducting himself in a professional manner on the field (where he excelled) as well as off it. Mahatma Gandhi – who would go on to be the leader of nonviolent civil disobedience – ran home after school every day as a child because he was too shy to talk to anyone. Rosa Parks, the African American Civil Rights activist who refused to give up her bus seat to white passengers, was described as “soft-spoken … timid and shy.”

6. Read about courageous kids. Share inspiring news and stories about children who stick their necks out for others. A couple of my favorite books for younger kids are “Courage” by Bernard Waber and “Brave Irene” by William Steig. Check out these titles for older kids: “Wringer,” by Jerry Spinelli and “Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends” by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini.

7. Encourage young kids take brave baby steps. Instead of picking her daughter up, a friend of mine helped her 3-year old find courage to cross a small bridge by empowering her. “Be brave, Clara,” she told her daughter. “You can do it.” Clara continued, repeating to herself, “Be brave, Clara!” And she learned something when she crossed the bridge: “I’m brave, Mommy! I’m brave!”

8. Teach kids to prioritize safety. Even as we teach our children to be brave, it’s still important to temper risk-taking. Certainly, we want our children to be safe. So tell your child that safety is always the first priority. If someone could get hurt and the risk is too great, teach your kids to always get adult help or call 911 if needed. Encourage children to trust their instincts, when they have concerns that something is unsafe.

9. Teach your kids how to reduce their fears. If not kept in check, fear can be overwhelming. Teach your child simple strategies to be brave. You might encourage positive self-talk, such as saying, “I can handle this” or “I have courage to do this.” Or teach your child to take slow, deep breaths to find courage. Research finds younger children are more likely to share their fears with another child. Though you want them to be open with you, let them know it’s also OK to share their worries with a friend. Choose a fear reducer that works best for your child and then help her practice that until it becomes a habit.

For kids to thrive in today’s uncertain world, they will need courage and confidence. Let’s help them find their hero within and learn to be brave!

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured.  UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours.  It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching!  UnSelfie is AVAILABLE NOW at amazon.com.

Children do Not Listen Better When You Yell at Them

Last updated on March 4th, 2018 at 02:17 pm

1 in 10 Young People Self-Harm: Here’s How to Help

Last updated on March 8th, 2018 at 11:58 pm

Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It’s usually a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.

Sometimes when people self-harm, they feel on some level that they intend to die. Over half of people who die by suicide have a history of self-harm.

However, the intention is more often to punish themselves, express their distress or relieve unbearable tension. Sometimes the reason is a mixture of both.

Self-harm can also be a cry for help.

Getting help

If you’re self-harming, you should see your GP (*physician) for help. They can refer you to healthcare professionals at a local community mental health service for further assessment. This assessment will result in your care team working out a treatment plan with you to help with your distress.

Treatment for people who self-harm usually involves seeing a therapist to discuss your thoughts and feelings, and how these affect your behaviour and wellbeing. They can also teach you coping strategies to help prevent further episodes of self-harm. If you’re badly depressed, it could also involve taking antidepressants or other medication.

Types of self-harm

There are many different ways people can intentionally harm themselves, such as:

• cutting or burning their skin
• punching or hitting themselves
• poisoning themselves with tablets or toxic chemicals
• misusing alcohol or drugs
• deliberately starving themselves (anorexia nervosa) or binge eating (bulimia nervosa)
• excessively exercising

People often try to keep self-harm a secret because of shame or fear of discovery. For example, if they’re cutting themselves, they may cover up their skin and avoid discussing the problem. It’s often up to close family and friends to notice when somebody is self-harming, and to approach the subject with care and understanding.

Signs of self-harm

If you think a friend or relative is self-harming, look out for any of the following signs:

• unexplained cuts, bruises or cigarette burns, usually on their wrists, arms, thighs and chest
• keeping themselves fully covered at all times, even in hot weather
• signs of depression, such as low mood, tearfulness or a lack of motivation or interest in anything
• self-loathing and expressing a wish to punish themselves
• not wanting to go on and wishing to end it all
• becoming very withdrawn and not speaking to others
• changes in eating habits or being secretive about eating, and any unusual weight loss or weight gain
• signs of low self-esteem, such as blaming themselves for any problems or thinking they’re not good enough for something
• signs they have been pulling out their hair
• signs of alcohol or drugs misuse

People who self-harm can seriously hurt themselves, so it’s important that they speak to a GP about the underlying issue and request treatment or therapy that could help them.

Why people self-harm

Self-harm is more common than many people realise, especially among younger people. It’s estimated around 10% of young people self-harm at some point, but people of all ages do. This figure is also likely to be an underestimate, as not everyone seeks help.

In most cases, people who self-harm do it to help them cope with overwhelming emotional issues, which may be caused by:

• social problems – such as being bullied, having difficulties at work or school, having difficult relationships with friends or family, coming to terms with their sexuality if they think they might be gay or bisexual, or coping with cultural expectations, such as an arranged marriage
• trauma – such as physical or sexual abuse, the death of a close family member or friend, or having a miscarriage
• psychological causes – such as having repeated thoughts or voices telling them to self-harm, disassociating (losing touch with who they are and with their surroundings), or borderline personality disorder

These issues can lead to a build-up of intense feelings of anger, guilt, hopelessness and self-hatred. The person may not know who to turn to for help and self-harming may become a way to release these pent-up feelings.

Self-harm is linked to anxiety and depression. These mental health conditions can affect people of any age. Self-harm can also occur alongside antisocial behaviour, such as misbehaving at school or getting into trouble with the police.

Although some people who self-harm are at a high risk of suicide, many people who self-harm don’t want to end their lives. In fact, the self-harm may help them cope with emotional distress, so they don’t feel the need to kill themselves.

Useful organisations

There are organisations that offer support and advice for people who self-harm, as well as their friends and families. These include:

• Samaritans** – call 116 123 (open 24 hours a day), email: jo@samaritans.org or visit your local Samaritans branch
• Mind** – call 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 (9am-6pm on weekdays)
• Harmless** – email info@harmless.org.uk
• National Self Harm Network forums**
• YoungMinds Parents Helpline** – call 0808 802 5544 (9.30-4pm on weekdays)

Find more mental health helplines.

Editor’s Note: *clarification provided for our US readers.

** Resources outside the U.K.

• Samaritans USA provides resources like hotlines and professional educational courses to prevent suicide.
• NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the largest grassroots mental health organization in the US.
• The Self Injury Foundation is dedicated to providing funding for self-harm research and education as well as resources and information about self-harm.
• Recover Your Life is a self-harm forum.
• National Parents Hotline provides emotional support for parents dealing with a range of issues.

 

How Yoga Can Improve Your Child’s Life

Last updated on April 26th, 2018 at 03:24 pm

I began practicing yoga two years ago and immediately knew I had found something amazing. As I have developed my personal flow I have come to cherish the space it gives to express myself. It has aided me in dealing with anxiety and depression and has taught me how to channel my energy in  a very positive way. These benefits don’t just apply to adults. Children can also benefit greatly from learning the mindfulness practice.

Yoga is a way of connecting your mind, body, and spirit through movement. During a flow the practitioner moves their conscious attention away from the exterior world and into their own body. This makes it an especially good practice for children who are developing the internal mental framework they will use to understand the world around them. It also is a practice in grace and strength and will aid a child whose body is changing rapidly.

Here are some reasons why you should develop your child’s yoga practice.

Yoga is an excellent coping mechanism. It can help children process new information and experiences by giving them an avenue to channel excess energy and emotion. When they feel overwhelmed, yoga can bring them back into their body and place their awareness on the one thing they can control, themselves.

Yoga teaches emotional and physical boundaries.  For adults who practice yoga, our mat is our sacred space. It is where we come to move and feel without judgement. Teaching children how to  create this safe space for themself introduces them to boundary setting. Allowing them to express themselves fully on the mat shows them there is a time and a place for everything and it’s okay to take space when they need it.

Yoga is physically difficult. It takes strength, balance, and coordination. It is a tiring activity that doesn’t take much space and can be done anywhere without any extra tools. Even the mat is a matter of preference. Children are still developing their muscles and coordination. Yoga challenges both without placing too much stress on their bodies.

Yoga will increase your child’s ability to focus. The postures require complete attention and an awareness of every part of their body from their fingertips to their bellies. When a child practices focusing on a certain point on their body (like their core when they’re practicing downward dog) they increase their ability to focus on other things like words and numbers when they’re reading or in math class.

A consistent yoga practice will help children grow more confident and help prepare them mentally and emotionally for the ups 

and downs of life.

Here are  a few basic poses you can try with your child.

Downward Dog: From a standing position, lean down until you can put your hands on the floor and step your feet back until you create a V shape. Let your head hang loosely. Try to distribute your weight evenly between your hands and feet and draw your belly in. This posture is great for your back and neck and helps strengthen the wrists as well.

Tree Pose: Stand on one foot and draw the other foot into the inner thigh of the standing leg. Bring palms together into a praying position at your chest and breathe deeply. Switch feet. This posture helps with balance and coordination and is very calming because it requires a lot of focus.

Child’s Pose: Sit on your knees and bend forward until your chest touches your thighs. Rest your arms by your side. This is a very comforting posture and is great for taking some time and space to just breathe.

For more great children’s poses check out Kid’s Stories.

Don’t forget Savasana. Savasana is the meditative practice at the end of every session. Here encourage them to breathe deeply from their belly and pay attention to how their body feels now that they are finished stretching. It is a time of peace and calm.

That centered feeling is why we practice. It is the ability to consistently find that calm place no matter what is going on around us that makes yoga such a beautiful experience. It is the practice of being at peace when everything else is chaos.

For more information on the health benefits of yoga check out:

• Dr. Marlynn Wei’s post on Harvard Health Publishing about the effects of yoga on children aged 6-12 as well as children who have ADHD or ADD.
• Rina Jakubowicz’s interview on Yoga Journal where she talks about teaching children’s yoga classes.
• Another post by Dr. Wei on Psychology Today on how yoga can improve the self-esteem and creativity in children and teens.
• Yoga as a Complementary Therapy for Children and Adolescents: A Guide for Clinicians a study published online by Psychiatry (Edgmont), a peer reviewed psychiatric journal.

Namaste.

Editor’s note: Always consult your child’s pediatrician before beginning any new exercise routine. 

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