How To Simplify Your Family’s Holiday Season

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 11:45 am

The holidays are always a stressful time of year for me. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my dad remarried when I was 15. Christmas not only stretches old wounds, but has also grown more complicated as I have grown older and added both my birth family and my husband’s family to the equation. Through the years I have come to learn what I need as well as what my families need from me during the holidays. Here are some things I’ve learned that have helped me simplify my holiday season and I hope that they will help you too.

Accept that I’m not going to be able to see everyone: With four families, six siblings, and a step-son it has become fundamental to my peace to not try to see everyone for the winter holidays. Thankfully, my families understand that, so they never make me feel obliged to change my plans.The factors that go into who I choose to spend the holidays with change year by year. When my husband and I first married, it was important to me that I spend Christmas with his family, especially his son. However, this year I’m choosing to spend it with my dad and step-family because my father is getting older (and Christmas is his favorite time of year) and both of my step-siblings will also be in town, so I’ll get to spend time with them as well. I usually share a meal with my mother before or after Christmas so that i’m not trying to make everything happen in one day. Ultimately, who I end up with on the holidays depends on where I can afford to go, which family members will be where, who I spent last year’s holidays with, and where I am most comfortable.

Divide and conquer: I know this one will come across as strange to a lot of people, but my husband and I actually do really well spending holidays apart. Since his family is closer than mine his visit will just be for an afternoon. This leaves me free to make the drive to my families and stay several days without having to worry about our apartment or my dog because I know Nick will be home to look after everything. This takes a lot of the stress of traveling off of me and keeps me from having to rush my trip. It also means that both of our families get to see us, so we aren’t leaving anyone out and we get to bring home food from two different places 😀 Nick and I generally prefer to celebrate one another at different times from the holidays. We don’t have our own celebrations for Christmas or Thanksgiving and prefer to create our own special times throughout the year regardless of the day. We celebrate the holidays for our families and being separate doesn’t bother us as long as our families are happy. After we’ve loved on them, we come back together and start planning for our own next adventure as a couple.

Write letters: I don’t just mean sending people Christmas cards with pics of you and your children or pets. I mean writing real, heartfelt letters. When I know I’m not going to be able to see my whole family I try to put special effort into loving on the ones who I won’t physically be around. I do this with my friends as well. It will ease the distance and let them know that you aren’t neglecting them just because you aren’t coming to see them.

Teamwork makes the dreamwork: Ask for help. Really, it’s okay, I promise. Whether it’s seeking backup because a family member makes you uncomfortable or asking your cousin to hold your toddler or asking your significant other to drive because you are tired, whatever it is, ask. The holidays can be a physical and emotional workload, everyone knows it, but we seem to have trouble talking about it. The more honest we are with one another and the more we communicate our needs the more we can help each other and have a truly beautiful Christmas.

Breathe and create space: The holidays are hard for a lot of people. Planning trips and visits and dinners is a hassle, especially with children. Remember to pay attention to what you as an individual need to not just maintain your peace, but actually enjoy the time of year reserved for family and friend love. Whether it’s sending the kids to bed early so you can enjoy a glass of wine or listening to an audiobook or your favorite music on the drive, go out of your way to do something specifically for you. And don’t forget to rest (you are not obligated to do everything), drink lots of water, and breathe.

Remember, the holidays are supposed to be fun. You are not obligated to buy the most expensive gift or make the most delicious dish or have the most well-behaved children. You are simply there to love on your family and be loved by them. What are you some ways that you deal with holiday stress? Have you come up with your own little tricks and practices to make the holidays simpler? We would love to hear them in the comments section. Happy holidays!

Student Mental Health – How to Get Help When They Need It

Last updated on February 15th, 2018 at 05:57 pm

Mental health problems are as common among students as they are in the general population.

Depression Ruins Lives – What If My Child Has It?

Last updated on September 11th, 2017 at 11:21 am

Depression doesn’t just affect adults. Children and teenagers can get depressed too.

Some studies show that almost one in four young people will experience depression before they are 19 years old.

It’s important to get help early if you think your child may be depressed. The longer it goes on, the more likely it is to disrupt your child’s life and turn into a long-term problem.

Signs of depression in children

Symptoms of depression in children often include:

• sadness, or a low mood that doesn’t go away
• being irritable or grumpy all the time
• not being interested in things they used to enjoy
• feeling tired and exhausted a lot of the time

Your child may also:

• have trouble sleeping or sleep more than usual
• not be able to concentrate
• interact less with friends and family
• be indecisive
• not have much confidence
• eat less than usual or overeat
• have big changes in weight
• seem unable to relax or be more lethargic than usual
• talk about feeling guilty or worthless
• feel empty or unable to feel emotions (numb)
• have thoughts about suicide or self-harming
• actually self-harm, for example, cutting their skin or taking on overdose

Some children have problems with anxiety as well as depression. Some also have physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches.

Problems at school can be a sign of depression in children and teenagers and so can problem behaviour, especially in boys.

Older children who are depressed may misuse drugs or alcohol.

Why is my child depressed?

Things that increase the risk of depression in children include:

• family difficulties
• bullying
• physical, emotional or sexual abuse
• a family history of depression or other mental health problems

Sometimes depression is triggered by one difficult event, such as parents separating, a bereavement or problems with school or other children.

Often it’s caused by a mixture of things. For example, your child may have inherited a tendency to depression and also have experienced some difficult life events.

If you think your child is depressed

If you think your child may be depressed, it’s important to talk to them. Try to find out what’s troubling them and how they are feeling.

See some tips on talking to younger children and talking to teenagers.

Whatever is causing the problem, take it seriously. It may not seem a big deal to you, but it could be a major problem for your child.

If your child doesn’t want to talk to you, let them know that you are concerned about them and that you’re there if they need you.

• Encourage them to talk to someone else they trust, such as another family member, a friend or someone at school.
• It may be helpful for you to talk to other people who know your child, including their other parent.
• You could also contact their school to see if they have any concerns.

When to get medical help

If you think your child is depressed, make an appointment with them to see your GP (*doctor).

• If necessary they can refer your child to their local child and adolescent mental health service (CAMHS) for specialist help (in the UK)**.
• See more about CAMHS.
• If you are worried about any aspect of your child’s mental health, you can call the charity YoungMinds’ free parents’ helpline (in the UK)** on 0808 802 5544 for advice.
• The YoungMinds website also has mental health support and advice for your child.

Editor’s Note: *clarification provided for our US readers.

** Resources in the United States

• The CDC Children’s Mental Health resources page provides information as well as access to specialist help
• The Child Mind Institute is a national non-profit working to help children struggling with mental health issues and learning disabilities
• The Mental Health and Addiction Network provides listings of charitable mental health resources available to families

A Pediatrician’s Unique Perspective on Dads and Babies

Last updated on August 4th, 2017 at 02:47 am

Most human Mom’s live with their babies developing in their uteri for about 9 months. During this time, they both experience the physiologic and personality changes associated with pregnancy. Dad too has been involved but in a much more subtle and marginal way.  He has seen the remarkable changes occurring in the mother of his child almost on a daily basis and has looked on in awe and wonderment at her growing belly and occasionally has been lucky enough to have been present when the movement of the fetus can be seen and felt through the mother’s abdominal wall.  If he was lucky enough to attend her prenatal visits he might even have caught a glimpse of the actual baby moving through the magic of sonography.

Some men, rarely, have expressed a feeling of disappointment at not having had the same experiences moms have.  Most Fathers, however, have experienced the same joy and elation at seeing their newborn baby for the first time as Moms.  There is that certain feeling of witnessing a miracle that doesn’t come along every day.  Just imagine that little perfect person with everything an adult has but just in miniature.  In fact, the production of a baby is, by all accounts, a miracle of such huge proportions that volumes of books and stories have been written and seen and read on this topic alone.

A father develops a special bond with his baby that can almost not be put into words. The presence of a father adds a certain amount of stability immediately to the family unit and, if Mom will allow the participation of the Father in an equal manner with her, then the family unit is strengthened even more- and the father feels less like an outsider and more like an active influence on the development of the baby.

In fact, fathers should be encouraged to take a very active role in the care of this infant right from birth.  A father taking his baby to the Doctor’s office for regular visits is becoming far more common now than it ever used to be.  I remember as a young intern and resident with a very busy day and night schedule I could not attend very many of my childrens’ doctor visits and could only listen in amazement at the reports my wife would give me in the evening when I finally got home.  To this day I feel cheated of some of the elation that came when our baby’s doctor could confirm that our care was certainly correct and of great benefit for our child.  After all, babies do not come with instructions or warranty manuals and it is important for parents to have their parenting skills recognized and confirmed by an objective third party. 

Erin Pougnet’s studies of fathers’ influence on children’s cognitive and behavioural functioning have shown greater achievable IQ levels in children with whom the father has paid a greater role during early infancy and childhood.  Fathers are known to contribute different ways of looking at non-verbal skills as they take part in the physical contact of their children (playing roughly) and offer another definition of reasoning. Recent evidence gathered from families in which the father is absent due to armed forces responsibilities show that there are more stresses, sadness, withdrawal and aggressive behavior when Dad is away for any significant time span. Families in older generations suffered from the father’s inability to express appropriate feeling toward his children; now it is felt that younger fathers have these skills.

A Father should never be a casual observer to the growth and development of his child but an active contributing member of the family unit.  Prenatal classes of a different kind than those for expectant mothers should be offered to the father- to- be as well, so that his role can be more clearly defined. As research has shown, dad’s increasing involvement is making a difference.

Talking To Your Kids About Your Cancer

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 12:02 pm

If you have cancer, discussing it with your children may be difficult. But listening and talking to them can be reassuring, as well as helping them understand your diagnosis.

Keep it simple

Children may have heard things about cancer that frighten them, so speak to them honestly and simply about what you’re going through. Ask them what they think cancer is and explain anything they don’t know.

Be honest

Explain it in language your children will understand. The word “cancer” becomes less frightening for everyone if it’s described as cells that have grown faster than other cells in the body.

Create time and space to talk

Choose a time and a place to talk to your children where they’re most likely to listen and feel at ease, and where you won’t be interrupted.

Let them know they can always ask you questions and talk to you about how they feel, especially if they’re sad and upset. They need to know you’ll listen to their worries and help them cope.

Reassure them

Let them know that even though you’re ill, you still love and care for them. Explain how your illness might affect your moods and feelings, but that you’ll always love them.

Be clear

You don’t have to tell them everything at once. Just be clear about the situation you’re in. If you don’t know the answer to any of their questions, say so. It might be a good idea to read about it together, or ask a doctor or nurse to explain things.

Be positive with them

Try to be honest yet hopeful, but be careful not to make promises you’re not sure you can keep. Most of all, your children need to know that everyone’s doing all they can to make you better, that you still love and care for them, and that there are things they can do to help.

Children under six

Young children react to being separated from you and to changes in their routine. Ask people who your children feel safe and familiar with to help look after them or take over some of the things you usually do. Young children need consistency, so it’s a good idea to have the same person helping if possible. Always try to let them know in advance about any changes to their usual routine.

If you’re in hospital, have a regular time to call home or when they can call or text you. Make sure they have a photo of you and tell them you’ll be thinking about them. Prepare them in advance for what they’re likely to see when they visit you, and tell them about the different people who are there to help you.

Children aged 6 to 12

Children aged 6 to 12 can understand more about the cancer and its effects on the body. Use simple, straightforward language and short sentences to explain things, and don’t overload them with information.

All children need reassurance that:

• nothing they or anyone else did or thought caused the cancer
• cancer isn’t like a cold and you can’t catch it – it’s OK to sit close, hug or kiss

Teenagers

Teenagers may find it hard to talk to you or to show you how they feel, and at times their behaviour may be difficult.

Help them see that talking about feelings is a positive and mature way of coping. Encourage them to talk to someone close, such as a relative or family friend. Ask them what they think and include them as you would an adult. But don’t forget, they still need your guidance and support, and keep the usual rules and limits.

More support

Cancer Research UK has information on talking to children about cancer, with links to useful books and leaflets.

Macmillan also has information and advice on talking to children about your cancer.

Breast Cancer Care has resources and support about talking to children of various ages about breast cancer. The charity has produced a picture book called Mummy’s lump, which can be useful for younger children.

Healthtalk has articles and videos of people talking about their experiences, including:

• breast cancer: how it affects the family
• cervical cancer: talking to children
• lung cancer: telling the children and grandchildren

My Transgender Daughter, Nicki: A Story of Suffering and Survival

Last updated on May 29th, 2017 at 11:27 am

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