Video: How to Recognize and Deal with Child Sexual Abuse
Last updated on August 13th, 2018 at 08:11 pm
It can be difficult to know whether a child is being abused, as the abuser may be secretive about their actions. In this video, aimed at parents and carers, a child sex abuse consultant from the Marie Collins Foundation explains what to do if you think a child is being harmed, and how to discuss the subject of abuse with a child.
Editor’s Note: Video Highlights
Child sexual abuse is any sexual behaviour directed towards children…by adults, male and female, and by young people themselves.
Child Sexual Abuse Involves Activities Ranging from:
- Voyeurism
- to rape of children
- and now involves sexual behavior online
What Do We Need to Know
- 1 in 6 young adults reported being sexually abused before age 16 (results of recent UK study)
- Very few (~25%) tell anyone due to extensive guilt
- Impact can be extensive
Signs to look for
- Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys/objects
- Nightmares/sleeping problems
- Withdrawing or becoming clingy
- Personality changes or regressing to younger behaviors
- Unaccountable fear of particular places or people
- Outbursts of anger
- Changes in eating habits
- Physical signs
- Becoming secretive
How Do We Handle This
- If someone makes you uncomfortable around your child, and you suspect someone is abusing your child – call a helpline and talk to someone
- UK: 0808 1000 900
- US & Canada: 800-422-4453
- Australia: 1 800 55 1800
Talk to your child
- adjust the conversation to their age
- try not to act shocked – be reassuring
- try not to interrupt other than to check that the child is alright
- let them know you will keep them safe, but you will need to bring in help – the police or children’s services – to do that.
It’s a big step to make that call and accuse someone and we often hesitate – but if you don’t – know that the abuse will continue and the child or children could be affected for the rest of their life.
Additional UK Resources:
- Childline: 0800 1111
- NSPCC National Child Protection Helpline: 0800 8005000
- Child Exploitation and Online Protection: www.ceop.police.uk/report-abuse
From www.nhs.uk
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A Day in the Life of an Anxious Stepmother
Last updated on July 15th, 2018 at 07:34 pm
How do you cope with worry over your children? I have always been a worst case scenario type of woman. I struggle with anxiety on a nearly daily basis. My step-son, however, has never evoked particular anxiety in me. He’s a sweet kid and funny to talk to. I enjoy spending time with him and we usually just hang out and play with legos or chase each other in the yard.
We don’t see each other often and I’ve never experienced him falling or injuring himself in one of the numerous ways I hear boys his age do. I had never truly feared for his safety until a couple of weeks ago.
My husband and I went for a day hike up in North Georgia. We only bother with our phones during a day hike if we are worried about getting lost. Usually, we keep them on airplane mode or even leave them in the car. We hiked probably five miles that day before heading back around dinner time.
My husband checked his phone for the first time as we approached the car. He had a text from his mom saying that his son had fallen and hit his head on the radiator and they were in the emergency room. That was all it took. The anxiety took over in a matter of minutes. I trained as an EMT, I know what head trauma can do. I have experience with brain injuries caused by concussions and now all of that prior knowledge is flooding into my thoughts. I need more information.
I urge my husband to call his mom since the message was an hour ago. He glances at me pointedly and calls her. No one answers. We call her a couple of more times, no response. I am flustered. Why would she only send that one text? Don’t they know we need to know how bad it is?!
My husband calls his dad who answers the phone with a smile in his voice, I am annoyed instead of relieved. How can he smile at a time like this? I must know how badly my step-son is hurt. I need all the information.
I start whispering commands to my husband about what to ask and when his dad says “well, he won’t need to have his head removed,” I start sputtering so loudly that my husband gets annoyed. It should be noted, he has not panicked at any point.
It turned out that everything was fine, there would be bruising and if he fell and hit his head again, he would need to see a doctor immediately. My husband’s parents scheduled a follow-up appointment and that was that. We called Darion later to check on him and he was excited to watch Doctor Who all night.
My panic was unwarranted and next time, I will try harder to keep my calm until I actually know what’s going on. Both for my own mental sake and the sake of those around me.
I only realized later how badly I had freaked out and it made me think about those of you who do this full time. I’m deeply impressed with the mental strength and fortitude is takes to be a parent.
Mental health is so important and you must have some amazing coping mechanisms.
Please know, I see you holding that crying baby and calmly catching your toddler before she can hit the ground again as she explores the sidewalk, and I am impressed. I know you’re working so hard to keep everything balanced and raise beautiful children and I want to recognize you for that and tell you that we will keep supporting you the best we can.
I would love to hear from you guys!
Tell me your stories of panic-inducing moments or drop tips in the comments about how you support your mental health as a parent or caregiver.
What I Learned Arguing With an 8-Year-Old
Last updated on April 20th, 2018 at 08:30 am
My step-son and I spent some time alone a couple of weeks ago. My grandmother-in-law passed away and my husband and I went to help his mother. When we got up there, my husband drove his mom on some errands and I was left to play with my newly 8 years-old step-son.
We had a wonderful time. He is currently obsessed with the lego show Ninjago and we played with legos, making up storylines and dancing to the pop punk theme songs of the show. This was my first time spending a significant amount of time alone with him and it was interesting. I learned some things about 8 year-olds, for instance, “poop” is the new word that he finds hilarious and children have their own logic.
We had transitioned from playing with legos to playing outside and were each playing with swords and some other toys. I was playing with a flower and he wanted it, so, he looked at me and said “Give me that.” Now, he and I do not have a particularly formal relationship. We play and talk about this and that and are generally very relaxed with each other. However, this demand had a very specific tone, parents, I’m sure you know the tone I’m talking about. It’s the one that says “I don’t know my boundaries with you and I’m gonna see if I can tell you what to do.”
This was new to me, I just recently reached a point in my life where I handle conflict well with adults, now I was being tested by an 8 year-old. Since we were still playing, I kept the mood light. I have no interest in being an authoritarian with him and I prefer to talk to him like he’s just a smaller human instead of a less intelligent one, so my response was quite simply to pause and say “no.” The result of this wasn’t a temper tantrum (though he did sulk briefly) but a back and forth conversation lasting about half an hour. We argued for a bit, him trying to grab it from me, me holding it over my head, neither of us actually angry, more just testing the relationship we have.
I told him early on that all he had to do to get the toy from me was say please. This caused a burst of annoyance and the logic eventually came out that “big boys don’t have to say please.” This was an interesting turn to me, so we talked about it. “Your dad says please,” I responded. He nodded and said “daddy’s an adult.” Okay, I thought, so “big boys” and “adults” are not the same. He elaborated further, “only little kids say please.”
This is where I learned that children will make up their own rationalizations for how the world works in order to get what they want. There is something very important about this. Adults do this too. In relationships, in parenting, in politics, in religion, we all choose a worldview that pleases us and takes us in what we consider to be the “right” direction.
Our conversation continued where I explained that people didn’t respond very well when they had things demanded of them. That it made them feel like they don’t have a choice, that they have to do what you want. He thought about this and looked at me a little shyly and asked if he could have the toy “please.” I grinned at him and tossed him the toy. We kept playing until my husband got home at which point my step-son immediately ran up to him and said “daddy, Clara and I got into a fight.” My husband smiled and his mother asked “who won?” And winked knowingly at me.
And that was that. There were no tears, no yelling, I didn’t focus on the “right” or “wrong” of the situation. I focused on the expression itself. I choose to be a guide and a sounding board, I choose to be less concerned with exerting my will over him and more concerned with how his world view is developing.
Many children are highly intelligent and are more than capable of having well thought out conversations about their thoughts, emotions, and choices.
By being curious and taking the time to listen to his explanation and talk things through I was able to create an understanding between our perspectives.
Shouldn’t that be the point of all communication?
I’d love to hear stories from you guys. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever “argued” with your little one about? What conclusions did you reach?
Video: How Do I Explain Death to My Young Child
Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 11:56 am
In this brief video, NHS Health Visitor Ruth discusses how to explain death to your young child and help them with the grieving process.
https://youtu.be/cKgWz-zROX0?t=3s
Editor’s Note: Video Highlights
Babies
- Babies do not understand death, but they do recognize when someone they love is missing so they may have feeding and sleeping difficulties.
- It will be helpful to:
- Continuously reassure them
- Maintain routines
2 Years and Older
- At this age, children see death as reversible.
It will be helpful to:
- Be specific – tell them someone has died – not is “gone”
- Verify their understanding and clarify questions
- Maintain routines including playtime
- Reassure them that they are in no way responsible for the death of their loved one
- Understand that they may not express their grief – this is not a sign they aren’t experiencing it
- They may ask the same questions repeatedly to check that facts haven’t changed
- Talk with them about their feelings when they are ready
- Help them find a way to remember their loved one by looking through photos or creating a memory book
From www.nhs.uk
How To Have a Conversation With Your Teenager
Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 11:58 am
Getting teenagers to talk openly about what’s bothering them can be hard. Follow these tips to help get them talking to you about their worries.
1. Ask, don’t judge
Start by assuming they have a good reason for doing what they do. Show them you respect their intelligence and are curious about the choices they’ve made.
If you don’t pre-judge their behaviour as “stupid” or “wrong”, they’re more likely to open up and explain why their actions made sense to them.
2. Ask, don’t assume or accuse
Don’t assume that you know what’s wrong. Rather than asking “Are you being bullied?”, try saying “I’ve been worried about you. You don’t seem your usual self, and I wondered what’s going on with you at the moment? Is there anything I can help with?”.
3. Be clear you want to help
If you suspect your child is using drugs or drinking excessively, be gentle but direct. Ask them, and let them know that you’ll help them through any of their difficulties.
4. Be honest yourself
Teenagers will criticise you if you don’t follow your own advice. If you drink too much alcohol yourself, for example, they’re likely to mention it (“You can’t talk!”). Make sure you’re acting responsibly yourself.
5. Help them think for themselves
Instead of trying to be the expert on your teenager’s life, try to help them think for themselves:
- Discuss the potential implications of poor behaviour choices. For example, “How does smoking dope make you feel the next day? So, if you feel like that, how’s that going to affect you playing football?”
- Help them think critically about what they see and hear. “So Paul said X: is that what you think?”
- Help them feel that they can deal with life’s challenges. Remind them of what they’re good at and what you like about them. This will give them confidence in other areas of their lives.
- Information is empowering. Point them towards websites that can give them information on drugs, sex and smoking so they can read the facts and make up their own minds.
- Help them think of ways they can respond and cope. “So, when you feel like that, is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?”
- Encourage them to think through the pros and cons of their behaviour.
6. Pick your battles
If they only ever hear nagging from you, they’ll stop listening. Overlooking minor issues, such as the clothes they wear, may mean you’re still talking to each other when you need to negotiate – or stand firm – with them on bigger issues, such as drugs and sex.
7. If they get angry, try not to react
Teenagers often hit out at the people they most love and trust, not because they hate you, but because they feel confused.
Don’t think that they mean the bad things they say (“I hate you!”). They may just feel confused, angry, upset, lost or hormonal, and they don’t know how to express it.
8. Help them feel safe
Teenagers often worry that telling an adult will just make things worse. You need to be clear that you want to help them and won’t do anything they don’t want you to.
This may be particularly important with bullying. If your child opens up to you about bullying, explain that it isn’t acceptable. Listen to their fears and reassure them it’s not their fault.
Help build up their confidence by reassuring them that you’ll face the problem together.
9. Avoid asking questions they won’t answer
Sometimes you’ll find out more about your teenager if you ask open questions. If they have an eating disorder, for example, asking confrontational questions like “What did you eat for lunch?” or “Have you made yourself sick?” may mean you get a dishonest answer.
Sticking to open questions such as “How are you?” or “How has your day been?” helps your teenager talk to you about how they’re feeling.
From www.nhs.uk
Talking About Drugs with Your Child
Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 12:39 pm
It can be difficult to talk about drugs with your kids, but a few key pointers can make it a whole lot easier. Use these tips to help you talk openly about drugs with your child.
1. Do Your Homework
Make sure you understand enough about drugs, including why your child might experiment with them, so you can talk to your child in an informed way. Understanding the facts about drugs will also help you keep calm in a crisis.
Get your information from reliable, credible sources such as the drugs website FRANK. In the US, the National Institute on Drug Abuse website has detailed information on Commonly Abused Drugs.*
2. Pick a Good Time
Don’t do it before they rush off to school. Or, if they are using drugs, don’t confront them when they’re high on drugs.
3. Take the Opportunities to Talk When They Arise
It may help to do it when the subject comes up during TV programmes or in the news. Mealtimes can also be a good forum for discussion.
4. Let Them Know Your Values and Boundaries
It’s important for your children to know where you stand on drug taking. Be clear about your opinions on drugs so that they know your boundaries.
5. It’s Never Too Early to Talk About Drugs
It’s a good idea to start talking about the issue before they start experimenting with drugs. Make them feel strong and independent enough to be able to say no.
6. Avoid Scare Tactics
Your teenage children often know more people who take drugs than you do, so there’s no point in saying, “Smoking cannabis will kill you”. But if you point out that cannabis can cause mental health problems and make people forgetful and unmotivated, that will seem realistic to them and be more of a deterrent.
7. Know Their Friends
Peer pressure is the single most powerful factor in determining whether or not your child will take drugs. Get to know their friends. Invite them to the house and take an interest in what’s going on in their lives. If you have good reason to think your child’s friends are involved in drugs, you may need to support your child to find a new circle of friends.
8. Let Them Know You’re Always There for Them
That way they can be honest with you about what they’re up to and they won’t just tell you what they think you want to hear.
9. Listen as Well as Talk
Talking to teenagers can be hard. When you’re discussing drugs, don’t preach or give a speech and don’t make assumptions about what they know or do. Let your child tell you about his or her experiences. It’s often easier not to talk face-to-face, but to have a conversation side-by-side, such as when you’re driving in the car, washing up together or preparing food.
10. Persevere
Don’t be provoked or put off talking if they argue, get embarrassed or storm off. Parents’ opinions matter to their children. Revisit the subject when they’ve calmed down.
11. Make Sure They Know that the Responsibility for Their Actions Rests With Them
You’re trying to help your child make good choices in life about drugs. But only they can say no to drugs. Be sure they know you support them, but emphasise that it’s up to them to make the positive decision to be drug free.
12. Be Realistic
It’s common for teenagers to experiment with drugs. Remember that only a small proportion of those who experiment will develop a drug problem.
13. Don’t Panic
If you find out that your child has tried drugs, your first reaction may be anger or panic. Wait until you’re calm before discussing it with them, and do so in a way that shows your love and concern rather than anger.
Getting Help
If your child is using drugs and you are worried, find out about the help available in Drugs: where to get help. In the US, see the resources on the website of the Office of Adolescent Health (from the Dept. of Health and Human Services) – and “Above the Influence“, a website on drug use specifically for teens.*
Get Support for Yourself
If your child has drug problems, get support for yourself. Lots of organisations offer support to parents and carers, including those below. In the US, see the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids.*
Editor’s Note: *clarification provided for our US readers.
From www.nhs.uk
