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Warning Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied …And What To Do

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 01:34 pm

REALITY CHECK: Research finds that 49 percent of kids say they’ve been bullied at least once or twice during the school term, but only 32 percent of their parents believed them.

One study found that one out of every four children will be bullied by another youth in school this month. If your child is bullied, it means that peers are intentionally causing him pain. Reports also confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is more frequent, intense, and more aggressive that ever.

I have worked in hundreds of schools to reduce bullying. My proposal to stop school violence was passed into California law in 2005 (SB1667). We know that bullying can not only be reduced but also prevented. We also know that a mere one-time school assembly or lesson on bullying is ineffective. Posters on walls or campaigns to stop bullying, while a first step, do little to turn around aggressive behaviors and eliminate this behavior.

What does work to reduce bullying: Consistent, unwavering commitment by a group of adults to turn aggressive behaviors around, rebuild empathy, and changing a school culture. I’ll address my own 6 R’s to Reduce Bullying, but my purpose today is to help you learn to spot the signs that your child may be bullied.

Do know that if your child is bullied chances are he or she did NOTHING to cause it. The bottom line: bullying behavior must be taken very seriously and in most cases an adult must be there for a victim to advocate for him or her, create a safety plan, offer solace, rebuild self-esteem and teach new habits.

Your first step to helping your son or daughter is to know the warning signs that your child may be bullied and needs your support. If your child complains of being taunted, picked on, or threatened by a peer, please take him seriously. Unfortunately, however, chances are that if your child is bullied, he won’t tell you. He may be embarrassed, doesn’t want you to be involved in the situation or feel you won’t take him seriously. So watch for the changes in your child’s typical behavior.

Signs and Symptoms of Bullying (pg. 324 The Big Book of Parenting Solutions)

Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes, or torn clothing

Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money

Afraid to be left alone: doesn’t want to go to school; afraid of riding the school bus; wants you there at dismissal, suddenly clingy

Suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely

Marked changed in typical behavior or personality

Physical complaints; headaches, stomachaches, frequent visits the school nurse’s office

Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting

Begins bullying siblings or younger kids

Waits to get home to use the bathroom

Ravenous when he comes home (lunch money or lunch may be stolen)

Sudden and significant drop in grades; difficulty focusing and concentrating

Your first step is to calmly listen to your kid and gather details. Let your child know you are always available to listen and will be there anytime to help him feel safe. And please do not promise your child you will keep this a secret. Chances are your child will need help from an adult and may not be able to handle the bully on his own.

If you suspect your child is bullied and the measures could affect his physical or emotional well-being, do not wait. Your child’s l safety may be at stake. Also, do not assume this is a phase which will go away. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior and bullies generally choose their targets and continue to prey.

If the bullying offense is serious in nature, find out WHERE and WHEN the bullying incidents happen. Hint: Bullying usually happens in the same locations, 120 feet away from a building and where adult supervision is least. Tell your child to avoid “hot spot” areas such as bathrooms, the edges of playgrounds, behind stairwells, lockers, and the back of the bus.

Set up an appointment immediately with the teacher, counselor, coach, or principal. Demand to know what they plan to do to keep your child safe. Then monitor, monitor, monitor. If you do not get help, go up the “ladder” and meet with the superintendent, board, or if necessary the school board. In some cases you may need to remove your child from the school.

Bottom line: Bullying is serious and has severe emotional consequences to our children’s self-esteem. We are seeing that in some cases bullying can lead to bullycide (a victim who commits suicide).

Enough!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

March 16, 2015 | Filed Under Affiliate, Community | Leave a Comment

A Simple Mommy Secret: 4 Steps to Stop Your Little Biter

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:42 pm

Do you have a biter on your hands? Biting is among the most bothersome and embarrassing kid behaviors. I remember the horror the first time I saw one child in our playgroup bite – I quickly learned that biting is usually temporary, and much more common than I had thought. The other moms and I read up on biting behavior, and shared what we’d learned with one another. We learned that infants and toddlers often bite to relieve teething or gum soreness, or think it’s just a game. Preschoolers typically bite because they haven’t yet developed the coping skills to deal with stress appropriately or the verbal skills to express their needs. Whatever the reason, we knew that this behavior is clearly upsetting to all involved. And has been known to continue as kids get older if not dealt with. Our job was to nip this behavior before it becomes a habit.

Here are a few steps you can take to help you handle this annoying (but common) behavior:

Step 1. Confront the Biter A.S.A.P.
Step in the very minute your child bites and call it what it is: “That’s biting!” Then in a very stern voice say: “You may not bite people!” Firmly express your disapproval, and quickly remove your child from the situation. Remember Mom: No matter what you hear from other parents, do not bite your kid back! It is not helpful, and in fact, you’re only sending him the messages that kids can’t bite, but adults can.

If your kid has developed a history of biting, you’ll need to take emergency action. Arrange a private meeting amongst your child and other caregivers (such as his teacher, coach, daycare worker, babysitter) with whom he’s displaying the behavior. Create a consequence everyone understands: this could be the loss of a privilege, time out, or going home. You’ll want to all be on the same page and consistently enforced whatever consequence you all agreed upon. All the moms in our playground, for instance, decided to get on the same page together. Because we all responded the same way (yes, there was one mom who was a bit too laid-back, but we knew we couldn’t change her behavior), we were more successful in stopping our four-year-old Vampire Wannabees.

Step 2. Comfort the Victim and Boost Empathy
Kids always need to know that biting hurts! So in the presence of your kid focus your concern on the victim. “I’m so sorry! That must hurt. What can I do to help?” Doing so shows your child not only that his action caused pain but also how to convey sympathy. If possible, find a way to help your child to make amends. He might offer the victim a Kleenex or band-aid, draw a picture to apologize, say he’s sorry, or give the other child a toy. Do also apologize to the child’s parents on the spot or with a phone call. (Word to the wise: I learned the hard way that it is far better that I make the call then having the parent hear the story from someone else).

Step 3. Teach a New Behavior to Replace the Biting
If your toddler is teething, she’s probably biting because of sore gums. In that case, offer something appropriate to bite on: such as a frozen juice bar, a hard plastic teething ring, or toy to relieve the discomfort.

Kids often bite because they haven’t developed the verbal skills to communicate their needs or frustrations. Identify what skill your child lacks, and then teach a more appropriate way to respond that will replace the urge to bite. Practice the new skill together, until he can successfully use it on his own. One youngster bit because he didn’t know how to say he wanted a turn. Once his dad recognized the problem, he taught his son to say: “It’s your turn, then it’s my turn.” The biting quickly stopped. If your child has trouble verbalizing feelings or needs, teach him to say: “I’m getting mad.” Or: “I want to play.” Remember to let him know how proud you are when he uses good control.

Step 4. Anticipate Biting Behavior as the Best Prevention
If your child has developed a pattern of biting, then supervise those play times closely. You can then immediately step in and stop your biter before it happens. Put your hand gently over his mouth firmly saying: “You may not bite. Use your words to tell what you need.” Then show how: “I want a turn.” Sometimes you can distract your child from the situation: “Would you like to play with the clay or blocks?” You may have step in a few times before the biting is stopped, so watch closely then intervene pronto.

The most important part of this Mommy Secret to learn is that kids usually bite because they lack the ability to handle their frustrations. It’s up to us to help find better ways to get their point across.

Photo credit: Sabine 75; CC license

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February 2, 2015 | Filed Under Affiliate, Community | Leave a Comment

Parents, When Does Your Child Really Need A Life Jacket?

Last updated on August 29th, 2015 at 10:01 pm

When you think of a life jacket, that sturdy vest that keeps you afloat, you probably think of large boats. While it is true that you should ALWAYS wear a life jacket when you are on a boat, a life jacket has far more uses for keeping you and your children safer around water. Today we are going to talk about when to wear a lifejacket, what constitutes a real life jacket, and how to convince the (usually male) disbelievers to wear a lifejacket.

Let’s start with the obvious, wearing a life jacket on a boat, because too many people still leave the life jacket sitting next to them ‘in case I need it’. 70% of boating fatalities result from drowning, and 85% of those who drown are not wearing a life jacket. It doesn’t matter if you have a little Sunfish sailboat for tooling around a small lake, a ski boat, a fishing boat, or a 90 foot ocean-going Oyster, if you end up in the water unexpectedly because you trip, are hit by the boom, get knocked by a wave, are dizzy from sunstroke, or any other unexpected accident, your odds of drowning are really high. Even if you see the person go in, think for a minute how hard it is to see a wet head in the water if they aren’t also wearing a life jacket, much less how difficult it is to retrieve the person when they are shocked, cold, and maybe injured. Even if you can get back to them and haul them onboard in a matter of minutes, they may already have started the process of drowning. My mom rule is that if you are above deck, you have a life jacket on, even docked or at anchor. And if it’s rough weather, it stays on, period. The new life jackets are light and comfortable, it’s not a hardship. Granted, if you are on one of those huge passenger ferries or a cruise ship, no one expect you to parade around all day in a lifejacket, but do know where they are kept and if you have a child, know where the child-sized jackets are stored. For your own recreational boating, click here to learn about Coast Guard approved lifejackets, the only type of lifejacket you should ever trust with your child’s life, and your own life. If you are traveling, call ahead and ask, many places have life jacket loaner programs, so you don’t necessarily have to invest yourself.

What most parents don’t think about is when lifejackets should be used off of boats. If you have an inexperienced or weak swimmer, a very young child, or anyone with physical or mental limitations, have them wear a life jacket whenever they are near water. If you are in a pool and at arm’s length, it isn’t necessary, but for a day at the beach or the lake, at one of those fabulous big resort pools, or even if you just have more than one child to watch, a life jacket adds a layer of safety and peace of mind. It is almost impossible for anyone, even vigilant lifeguards, to see beneath the surface of rough water, so better to keep the head above water in the first place. Children forget they can’t swim, they jump in or walk until they are over their heads, or just get tired, and next thing you know, they are bobbing just beneath the surface.

You may be thinking, I’m covered, I picked up a great floatation suit at the store, or always have those inflatable arm bands in our bag. First anything inflatable. If it inflates, it deflates. Those inflatable arm bands are still sold everywhere, because the water safety field hasn’t gotten the message out there, but if you have some, do me a favor, pick up the scissors and drive a hole right through them before you put them in the garbage. Not only can they deflate, especially at a beach or in rough water, but they really limit a child’s arm motion if they are trying to swim. I’m all in favor of having fun in the water, and inflatable rafts and rings and toys can be great fun, but they are for fun, not for safety. Inflatable arm bands aren’t even for fun. If you have a question about any floatation suit or vest you have, see if there is a label saying it is Coast Guard approved. Or go directly to the Coast Guard website to learn more. A true life jacket can turn an unconscious person onto their back so their face is not in the water.

There is the gray area of a child who is over-confident in the water but doesn’t have solid swimming skills, or has the skills but not the confidence. For this child, you really want them in the water practicing their skills, under your supervision, but a life jacket may be too restrictive. My go-to is still the SwimFin. It’s a shark-shaped fin that straps securely around a child’s middle. A UK-product, it has passed the European Union flotation regulations, except that it is still not a life jacket, because it won’t keep someone on their back if they are unconscious. I would never use SwimFin in the ocean or any other open water that has a current, a tide, or waves, but for a pool when you want to play more safely, it is absolutely brilliant. It changed one of our vacations from my daughter saying ‘I’m bored, I want to go back to the room’ to my having to beg to get her out of the pool at the end of the day. I still kept an eagle eye on her, but it gave her the freedom to practice her strokes and jumps. Her swimming skills and confidence improved exponentially and appropriately on that trip. Major bonus, all the kids at the pool wanted to wear one because it looks so cool.

Finally, how to you convince the ‘I’m too cool to wear a life jacket’ members of your family (statistically the males). For them, I have two videos to recommend. Both tried and tested within my family. For the younger males, have them watch this ‘Heroes Wear Life Jackets’ video that features Coast Guard Rescue Swimmers. My son said he was definitely more likely to wear a life jacket after watching – because it makes life jackets cool.

For the older males, here is an award-winning interactive video that simulates what happens when you are knocked into the water. You have to keep scrolling to stay alive. I admit I couldn’t watch for long, but the guys I work with said it got pretty graphic and frightening. But, it did convince one of the most recalcitrant non-jacket-wearing avid boaters I know to start wearing a life jacket. I didn’t push or nag, just forwarded the link in an email and said, ‘thought you might find this interesting’. Sometimes all it takes to change behavior is a slight nudge in the right direction and someone else explaining why they need to change.

December 29, 2014 | Filed Under Community | 1 Comment

Sexual Consent on Campus – Protecting Boys Too

Last updated on December 22nd, 2014 at 10:28 am

I have a 12-year old boy who will reach puberty soon and is already giggling over dirty jokes with his seventh grade friends. He will grow up faster than I would like and then almost certainly will head to college. And at some point he will have sex with a girl on campus….and I’m afraid.

I’m not afraid about the concept of him having sex (well, a little!), but about the confusing and, frankly, unrealistic standards for sexual consent being established on university campuses these days, that could put a caring and well-meaning boy at risk of an unjust rape accusation. What worries me – as outlined in a recent New York Times opinion piece (“Mishandling Rape”) is that colleges are declaring that “intercourse with someone under the influence of alcohol is always rape”. Seriously??

So, if my son and a girl he likes (who hopefully likes him in return) have a couple of beers at a campus party (it happens!) – and decide that the time is right (together and with overtly and clearly communicated consent on the part of the girl – under no coercion or pressure….) – then my son is a rapist?? And if he and the girl have a falling out, he could be accused of rape, subjected to a trial, and possibly kicked out of school? As pointed out by the author of the Mishandling Rape article, Jed Rubenfeld (a Yale law professor), this definition of consent is in conflict with the law – that uses the standard of “incapacitation” to negate consent. Basically, if a girl is too drunk to know what is going on around her – or happening to her – she cannot give consent. That makes sense to me. A reasonable boy should be able to tell when a girl is falling-down drunk – and, hopefully, should not want to have sex under those circumstances anyway, despite raging hormones.

Under this emerging definition of consent – with any alcohol making consent impossible – I am struck by the challenges facing young men trying to navigate this terrain. Do we counsel our sons to administer a breathalyzer test to a girl they would like to have sex with? Or have the girl sign a consent form stating she is not under the influence – maybe in front of a witness? But seriously, how do we help prepare our sons for this new sexual landscape? I for one am reaching out to my son’s Wellness teacher to learn more about the sex education curriculum they are using – to find out how (or even if) they are explaining the concept of consent to the kids. I had already been feeling that the campus sexual assault debate seemed too focused on what we need to tell the girls about keeping safe – and not enough on what we need to teach the boys about acting responsibly and putting themselves in the girl’s shoes. Now I also feel we need to do more to help our boys keep themselves safe.

Now for a couple of disclaimers. Firstly, I am Canadian by birth and I also lived for many years in Britain; both countries where drinking is legal by college-age – so the idea of university students drinking seems normal to me. I do agree and know from my own college experience that drinking – especially to the excess seen on many campuses – is dangerous and fuels a lot of bad decisions and behavior. Nevertheless, it happens, even here in America.

Secondly, I am fully supportive of the moves by the government and universities to come to terms with the sexual assault problem faced by young women far too often on campuses. And I know, also from personal experience, that this issue is not just about the guy who jumps out from behind a bush to attack a co-ed – but also about the ones who pressure and demean young women into having sex. Been there. But it feels to me that this definition of consent is a pendulum swung too far in the other direction – and that it also demeans women by eliminating our personal responsibility. I know that this situation is partly an outcome of an awakening (a welcome one!) by universities to the scale of the sexual assault problem, and at least changes are being made. But I think that parents of both girls – and boys – need to keep informed about these developments and make sure we are all appropriately counseling and preparing our kids for healthy and safe sexual experiences when they leave home.

December 5, 2014 | Filed Under Community | Leave a Comment

Little Kids Get So Many Shots …As a Parent I’m Concerned

Last updated on August 30th, 2015 at 02:59 pm

“There are so many shots these days. As a pediatrician… what are your thoughts on spreading out the timing of the vaccines? What do you recommend?”

little girl getting an injection First, allow me to make the argument for never saying the work “shots” when referring to immunizations or vaccines given to children. Coming from a parent, this sounds very much like throw your child under the bus now that he is in the Dr.’s office, and pretty much you have become part of the enemy. Coming from a Physician or a nurse or other office staff, this merely confirms the awful images already conjured up by your child. Let me suggest “immunization” or “medicine to keep you healthy”.

Next, let me deal with the perceptions out there that somehow these immunizations are actually “bad” for your child.

1. “That’s too many to give to a very young child/infant at one time”. Every vaccine currently given to your child has been exhaustively researched and evaluated from every direction. Many times, the vaccines used in this country have been used for some time in another country. Not only are these found to be effective to prevent disease (not completely, but enough to want to protect someone), but they have been given in various combinations with other vaccines and found to be as effective when given together as when given individually. The individual side effects have also been carefully evaluated and it has been found that side effects (usually very mild) are no more frequent or severe when several immunizations are given together.

It has also been shown, unfortunately usually by trial and error, that for the most part the diseases for which there are vaccines tend to cause a much worse problem in the very young and the very old. So if the parental decision is to postpone or divide these up in some random schedule they are actually doing a disservice to their child by not protecting him/her as early as possible. In addition to which, a random schedule makes it more unlikely that the entire batch of suggested vaccines will ever be completed. It can also lead to confusion in office records and neither is recommended by the Academy of Pediatrics and all significant groups doing research on these topics.

2. “My child’s immune system is too immature to bombard him/her with all these manmade chemicals at such an early age”. Bingo! It is just because an infant or child’s immune system is incomplete that we aim to protect him/her from what is potentially out in the community. These vaccines have also been studied as to the best timing (age) for each of them so as to afford the greatest protection with the fewest side effects.

3. “I’d rather have him/her get the disease and develop immunity the ‘natural’ way”. Oops!, you really didn’t say that, did you? To answer this I can only ask the question, at what price? These diseases are very dangerous and can be fatal in the very young. This is the chance a parent will be taking while awaiting an unwanted illness. There is also the concept of “herd immunity” in which, if a certain percentage of the population can be immunized, the entire population may be protected. Every child who is not immunized decreases the possibility of success with the theory of “herd immunity”.

4. “We have read that certain vaccines (MMR) can cause serious problems such as autism, etc. If you aren’t up to date with the latest information on this topic, you should be, and it is readily available on the internet. It so happens that the only information that has ever linked immunizations to autism was based on a single study involving very few patients and published in England by a physician who used very poor scientific methods more than a decade ago and has since lost his license. Furthermore, the journal that published this paper has since denounced this as false information and retracted the article.

5. Finally, since this is the Flu season please allow me to approach the topic as it relates to the previous information. There are two main types of Flu vaccines, the injectable, which is composed of totally killed or inactive Flu viral particles, and the active or live vaccine which can be given intranasally (spray into the nose). Flu vaccine is currently recommended for everyone above the age of 6 months. The injectable is incapable of transmitting the illness or similar symptoms to anyone receiving that vaccine and can be given to all ages. The live intranasal vaccine can only be used in children over the age of two and may cause mild cold- like symptoms for 1-2 days.

In conclusion: Try to follow the recommendations from the Academy of Pediatrics guidelines in which your Pediatrician is well versed and can explain them to you. These recommendations are well thought out and tested and you will be protecting your children as well as you can.

December 1, 2014 | Filed Under Community | Leave a Comment

The Simple Mommy Secret to Boosting a Child’s Self-Esteem

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:43 pm

When my two youngest children were preschoolers we had a family trauma: our youngest son, Zach, was the same height as our middle son, Adam. The comments from strangers, “Oh, what cute twins!” were certainly not boosting Adam’s confidence. In fact, his self-esteem was taking a steep nose-dive. Why would any five-year old want anyone to think his three-year old brother was his twin? To help him recognize Adam’s own special qualities, I began focusing on a physical attribute that was uniquely his. It wasn’t hard, Adam has gorgeous blue eyes are quite unusual in our brown-eyed family. So over the next few weeks I began intentionally complimenting his asset. I did make sure my praise was genuine (this wasn’t hard: the kid really does have beautiful eyes), and I just quietly reminded him of his asset once or twice a day.

“Oh Adam, your eyes are so beautiful.” Or: “We’re so lucky to have a little boy with such pretty blue eyes.” My husband came on board: “Hey, do you think that great-looking blued-eyed kid of mine wants to shoot some hoops with me?” His grandparents were brought into the plan, “How’s my Grandson with the gorgeous blue eyes?” Even his brothers began introducing him as “The brother with the great eyes.”

It wasn’t until the first day of kindergarten about three weeks later that I knew Adam really believed our praise. He came home that day literally bouncing. “How was school, Adam?” I asked. “Oh, it was so great, Mom!” he said. Without missing a beat he added, “Somebody must have told the teacher about my beautiful blue eyes.” I paused, a bit startled (I certainly hadn’t said anything to his teacher) and asked, “Why do you think so, Adam?” “Oh, she knows all right,” he explained. “She made sure I sit everyday at the blue table everyday–probably to match my blue eyes!”

And he barreled out the door with a smile that could light the world. I knew then he had recognized another of his great strengths and didn’t need reminding. He’d added another new positive image inside himself forever. I also discovered a simple way to boost a child’s self-esteem: Identify a legitimate asset or talent in your child that deserves recognition and remind him of that asset until he can remind himself. At that point he’s internalized the positive image.

I’ve since used the same self-esteem building strategy with dozens of children I’ve taught or counseled. I’ve also shared it with hundreds of parents in my workshops over the years. I can’t tell you how often I’ve received an email from a mom saying: “I never believed that tip would work until I tried it. What a difference in made on my child’s self-esteem and behavior.”

Here is how you can use simple secret to unlocking children’s awareness of their personal talents and boosting their self-esteem. Just remember to use the secret about a minute a day for at least 21 days to achieve the best results.

Identify your Child’s Strengths. Take a moment to really think about your child’s strengths, positive traits or assets. Over the next few days list them. Here are a few: artistic, musical, kind, honest, reliable, graceful, organized, friendly, positive, sensitive, courageous, spiritual, loving, sensitive, resilient, persevering, hard-working. My girlfriend decided to keep an ongoing profile of each of her children’s strengths. The leather journal is now a fabulous family keepsake.
Choose 1 to 3 Positive Qualities to Strengthen. Choose one or two attributes you want your child to recognize about herself right away. Make sure the strengths are already present in your child and are not ones you wish were true about her. Jot down the terms you’ll use you point out the strengths to your child. Use the same term every time you praise the quality.
Find Opportunities to Frequently Praise the Strength. At the beginning you can start giving one strength messages a day and gradually work your way up to two to four strength reminders. Flooding your child with too many compliments a day is probably not valuable. They begin to lose their effectiveness and become too predictable. Usually it takes at least three weeks for a new image to develop, so keep praising your child’s strengths for at least 21 days.
Praise the Strength Only When Deserved. Compliment the child only when his actions deserve recognition and you mean it. Children are great at picking up the genuine from the insincere.
Describe Specific Examples of the Strength. Point out examples when your child displays the strength. He may not be able to see these strengths on his own. Be specific in your praise so your child knows exactly what he did to deserve recognition. For instance: “You are so graceful when you dance. Your hands and body move so smoothly to the music.” “You’re very artistic; your drawings always have such great details and color combinations.” “You are so caring. I noticed how you stopped to ask that older woman if she needed help crossing the street.”

Every child deserves to wake up each morning knowing she is special. By giving the right kind of praise you will not only enhance your child’s strength awareness but also increase his self-knowledge and self-esteem. It’s a simple but powerful parenting secret so pass it on.

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November 10, 2014 | Filed Under Affiliate, Community | Leave a Comment

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