What Not To Do if Your Child is Bullied Online

Last updated on December 10th, 2019 at 02:25 am

No parent ever wants their child to be bullied online.

But if it happens, would you know what to do about it? Better yet, would you know what NOT to do? Too often, we focus on what we should be doing that we fail to consider what we shouldn’t do at a time like this.

Getting through a child being bullied will take a lot – mostly, it will take time and patience. Here are six things not to do while you’re helping your child get past it.

1. Don’t Lecture

Best selling author, Stephen Covey, is quoted as having said that, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” He’s right about that. This is the time to listen to your child, not lecture them on what happened to them or what they might have done.

Right now, the child is probably scared, but maybe not for the reason many people would expect. Being attacked can take a toll on a child, but what can make it even worse is the way that adults respond to it. Being told that they need to be able to handle it themselves, being labeled as a snitch or having their technology restricted can all make children hesitant to speak out at a time when they need it more than anything.

Isolating a victim only makes it worse. Instead, listen to what they have to say. Ask for clarification, but try to avoid asking leading questions. For example, instead of asking the child if that’s when “they posted the video on Snapchat”, ask them, “what happened next?” It will provide a clearer picture of what happened and can avoid them taking shortcuts, potentially leaving out important points which need to be heard.

2. Don’t Accuse or Overreact

Next, don’t make it worse than it really is by overreacting. After listening to the child, make sure that what’s being reported is really what happened. There are several reasons why it may not be what it appears to be at first.

1. Typos – We all make typing mistakes and auto-correct isn’t always our friend. One misspelled word or grammar mistake can dramatically alter the meaning of a message, making it come off very differently than intended.
2. Having a Bad Day – Anyone can have a bad day, including the typist and the reader. Letting emotions cloud our perceptions can cause problems that aren’t really there.
3. Confusion – Maybe the person who posted it simply wasn’t clear in their meaning. Or maybe the reader misunderstood what was meant. Either way, no harm might have been intended.
4. Failed Humor – I tell my students all the time that humor in written form doesn’t come off as it does when heard aloud. It often needs the right context and inflection to be understood.

When discussing the matter with others, especially with the parents of a child being accused of being the bully, keeping a level head can make all the difference. State the facts of the case, but avoid coming off as inflammatory. Just as you’re there to protect your child, the other parents are there to protect their child. Making the case calmly can mean the difference between having an ally and having protective parents close ranks, eliminating the possibility of meaningful dialogue.

3. Don’t Tell Your Child to Ignore It

Being able to take an active stance against bullying can go a long way to helping kids feel that they have some control in their lives. Studies have shown that the majority of kids being cyberbullied don’t report it to an adult, much less to their parents. As Rebecca Fraser-Hill indicates in this article, feeling powerless is one reason why kids don’t report it.

Parents often tell their children that if they are ever attacked online, they should just ignore it. That engaging with the bully is the wrong approach to take and the bully will move on if they don’t get a reaction from their target, so they should simply not engage and the problem will go away. That made sense to me, until I attended a program by Christa Tinari from Peace Praxis a few years ago. She advised the exact opposite and I love her reasoning.

Assuming that strategy works and they do “move on”, all you’ve done is set up another child for being bullied. Instead, the target of the bullying needs to let the aggressor know, in no uncertain terms, that their actions are not wanted. The idea is that the bully may not realize that their actions are as bad as they really are, making them stop their actions.

This can be as simple as replying back to the person and telling them that their message wasn’t appreciated and they should stop. But it will vary, depending on the nature of the initial message. Some messages are clearly a case of bullying, while others may fall under the four scenarios mentioned above in the “Don’t Accuse or Overreact” section of this article.

In some cases, the person’s intention was to bully and no amount of replying back from the target will likely get them to stop. That’s where Christa’s next idea comes into play. To reinforce the message to the bully that they’re wrong, Christa’s next recommendation was one that I’ve really taken to heart – the idea of Positive Slamming. The idea is that when someone see another person being bullied (online or offline), that others should immediately come to that person’s defense. The more people who do it, quickly and publicly, shows the bully that their actions aren’t appreciated and hopefully, makes them realize that they’re in the wrong here. It may not stop every bully, but those that believe that their behavior is perfectly acceptable and may even believe they have the support of their friends, may do a double-take and stop. They need to be made to realize that their behavior is NOT ok.

While Michele Borba doesn’t call it Positive Slamming, her article on teaching kids to be active bystanders calls out many of the same reasons why we want to get kids to be active bystanders in bullying situations. The tricky part here is that those who are defending the victim do JUST that – defend the victim. They should not go an the offensive and make matters worse.

Letting a bullying victim know that they aren’t alone in this and that there are people who care about them can literally mean the difference between life and death. Just ask anyone who has suffered at the hands of a bully, including those who have been the victim of domestic violence.

“What hurts the victim the most is not the cruelty of the oppressor,
but the silence of the bystander.”

Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize Winner

In the event that the situation can’t be resolved through these ways, kids need to know that they need to tell a trusted adult what is happening. It might be a parent, family member, teacher, religious leader or any other adult who can help with the situation. Many kids resist telling their parents, but they need to have someone that they can trust in these situations and parents should encourage them to speak to an adult, even if it’s not with them.

4. Don’t Ignore It Either

As parents, we should not ignore what our children are saying to us, even if we think it’s a “little problem” that will likely resolve itself. Doing nothing can send them the message that their parents don’t care about what’s happening to them. Also, as Rebecca Fraser-Hill mentioned in her article, they may believe that telling about bullying won’t make a difference and that’s certainly what kids will take away from an experience where their parents tell them to ignore it.

Imagine then, when something even more serious happens, if the child does not come forward, because past experience has shown them that their parents will not do anything about it. Make sure they know – if they say something, you’ll do something.

5. Don’t Let Them Delete Anything…And Neither Should You

After telling a child that if they ever do get bullied online to just ignore it, the next bit of advice they might give is to tell them to delete it. As much as we’d like to remove all proof of such unacceptable behavior, if there is one good aspect of cyberbullying, it’s that it leaves a trail, otherwise known as EVIDENCE!

Having emails, texts or posts/comments may be the only way to prove the allegations. Print them out and keep a folder of them later. If necessary, take screen shots so that if someone else is able to delete it (and does so), there is evidence to present to parents, school officials and the police.

6. Don’t Force Mediation between the Bully and the Victim

In conflict resolution, both parties wish to come to an agreement, but that’s not the case with bullying. That doesn’t stop many people from forcing the parties involved from using mediation or conflict resolution techniques.

The bully doesn’t want the situation to change. They like it the way that it is. Conflict resolution assumes two parties disagree, but both want to come to a resolution. It can also send the message that both children are partially right and partially wrong and we are here to work this out. But that is not the case. Bullying is one-sided. The victim wants no part of it. Not only is the bully unlikely to take the process seriously, it runs the risk of antagonizing them and could make matters worse.

Conclusion

Remember to avoid these mistakes and hopefully, a family with a child who has been bullied online will be able to get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Parents need to put their priorities on making their kids feel safe and protected, while doing what they can to prevent it from happening again.

Home Alone After School? Top 8 Safety Checks for Parents

Last updated on October 14th, 2019 at 10:30 am

We are now a few weeks into the new school year and along with all the new fresh faces roaming the halls during school, there are fresh faces staying home alone after school for the first time. Now I’m pretty sure that if you have made the decision to leave your child home alone after school that they are what you deem to be old enough and a responsible person. Yet even the most responsible adult can run into problems or have emergencies when home alone, so a little pre-planning and forethought can go a long way to your child’s safety and your peace of mind.

Let’s start with the basic safety checks:

• Emergency contact numbers, are they known or preprogrammed into a phone or highly visible place near the phone?, Parents, friends, neighbors ,poison control ?, the best case scenario would be to have someone close to your home whom you trust to be aware of the situation and willing to be on call.
• Safety gear, Next we can get all of our safety gear such as flashlights, candles, and a fire extinguisher all together and know how to safely use each. As a little side note, any fire station will gladly teach you how to properly use an extinguisher.
• Medications, these can be anything from pills that parents take to needed medications for the child like Insulin or any type of med available in the home. Medications that parents take should be kept locked up and medications the child may need to take while home alone should be clearly taught and understood and closely monitored by the parents upon coming home.
• Household cleaners should always be locked up if there are little ones around and if they are not, it should be understood the dangers they present when used and how to take proper precautions, such as opening a window for ventilation and hand and eye protection.
• Major emergencies, It cannot be understated how important it is to call 911. It should be understood that calling 911 is not embarrassing and should not get anyone in trouble. It is what we are here for. Should anything happen in or around the home when your child is home alone that makes them feel unsafe, please instruct them to call 911 right away! ,They could be cooking and accidentally start a fire or smell smoke in an odd place, hear electrical buzzing, maybe they see or hear someone outside or anything that makes them feel unsafe, please make it ok for them to call 911. If it turns out to be nothing, that is fine. You can talk about it when you get home and everyone is alive, safe and well.

Three of the biggest things we worry about with children that are home alone are Fire, Strangers and Weapons.

• In the case of fire, it is a great idea to have an escape plan from your home. Escaping from a single story window or door may not be hard but a second or third story may require an emergency ladder or alternate route in case of stairs blocked by fire.
• When it comes to strangers, there is no shortage of bad people. That being said, it is a good idea to have a do not answer the door policy and even a do not acknowledges anyone at the door policy. If it is at night, the house should be well lit and should the person at the door not go away or make your child feel unsafe then 911 should be the next call. A police officer recently told me it’s a good idea to have a second alarm control keypad in the upstairs area that can be activated with a panic button in case of an intruder or strange noise.
• When it comes to Weapons it goes without saying that they should be respected and understood. Your child is home alone and if there are weapons in the home they should be safely stored, locked and secured as to avoid the awful accidents we see on the news every year. If your child is old enough, trained and certified with a gun, then it is your decision to give them access to it, but be warned because accidents happen. I would think it would be a better and much safer thing to do the things that deter unwanted guests, such as outdoor lighting, cameras, alarm company signage, a dog, anything that does not put a loaded weapon in your child’s hands.

I hope these safety checks give you something to think about and I hope it keeps all the kids safe.

Keeping You and Your Family Safe From “Free Roaming” Dogs

Last updated on October 14th, 2019 at 10:28 am

Many years ago, my sister had told me that while out walking her small young pup (A shih Tzu/Bichon mix) near my Mom’s house, a huge Mastiff came flying out of a house and ran straight for them. Her initial reaction was one that many of us would have…. Protect the one you love… so she grabbed Sylvi off the ground and used her own body to block the huge dog from getting to her.

I had not heard much more on this subject until recently…. but in the past few months, I have heard it quite a bit. My sister called me for advice on how to respond to some recent articles in her neighborhood newspaper about unleashed aggressive dogs in the neighborhood, that come flying out at people walking by with their dogs or kids. A friend of mine stepped in when a dog viciously went after her dog, and she ended up getting severely bitten in the process. And yet another instance where my friend’s 7 year old daughter was playing in her own front yard and a medium sized stray went after her. She only got a scratch, but that was because luckily, her Dad was right inside and chased the dog away… or it would have been much worse! But the most difficult part of this is that this little girl, who loved all animals, is now a bit fearful of dogs.

Let’s face it, having to be on guard the entire time is anything BUT relaxing!… so how do you handle it when a strange dog comes flying at you, your child, or your dog while you are just out for a nice relaxing stroll?

I have heard many different solutions to this problem… for example, some recommend carrying mace or pepper spray at all times. The problem I find with this is that for it to be effective, the dog has to be right up on you already. At that point, the spray may lessen the damage they do, but is not going to thwart the attack. The other danger to this is that you are spraying a chemical while you are in a panicked state, not to mention to use this item, you have to remove the cap, point and aim correctly, and make sure the wind outside is in your favor. The chances of you spraying it and hitting your target are minimal at best, and if you accidently spray towards your own eyes, you are now rendered useless and cannot help you, your child or your dog.

Another method I have heard used often is a walking stick brought along on the walk. The stick could be used as a weapon against a stray dog coming at you. However, for the same reason I find the Pepper spray or Mace to not be a good idea, again with a stick, you have to wait until the dog is right up on you to use it effectively.

So what is your best option? To start, some things to do before your next walk:

1. First off, the most important thing you can do is to remind yourself to stay calm. No one thinks clearly when they are panicked.
2. With regards to your children, you need to have a safety word that lets them know NOT to scream or run at that moment. Because self preservation is present the minute we are born So instinctively, if a dog runs towards your child, their initial reaction will be to scream and run. This is absolutely the WORST thing that they can do at that moment. When an animal in the wild is actively being hunted or pursued, it shrieks and runs away. So when your child goes to do this, it sets off the chase/prey/hunt instinct even more. Whatever your word(s) may be, make sure your child understands it means to calmly and quietly step behind you, but not to grab your legs….which would restrict your movement.
3. Another important piece of advice…. Kids are notorious for asking a million questions. This is not the time or place to answer them. I remember growing up my Dad always had one rule in his car that had to be obeyed… if he said, “DUCK” at any time; we were to do it first, ask questions later. Same rule applies to your safety word. Now is not the time for: “But why…??”
4. Finally – get yourself a very loud air horn. You will find them very inexpensively at Walmart or even at Party City . The advantage to these are they are lightweight, easy to use, no harmful chemicals are utilized, and best of all, it works!! Why does it work? When an animal has ‘locked on’ to a target, it is very hard to sway them from their mark. (We actually discuss this in detail in my post Recognize a Dog’s Body Language Before Your Child Get’s Bitten). Their 100% focus is on that target at the moment. However, a very loud and unexpected noise will break through and interrupt that brain wave that has them focused on you, your child, or your pet. Think of all the old movies you have ever seen that take place in the wilderness…. When the wild animal is about to attack, the human in the movie will shoot their gun into the air… and the animal takes off. Again, it is the loud unexpected noise that startles them and changes that brain wave.

If you are with a pet or a child and a strange dog comes at you, don’t quickly bend and pick them up. This now makes you the obstacle they have to get through to get to their target, and they will have no qualms about attacking you to get to them. Add to this that if you panic and go to pick up your dog or your child, now you have to juggle them and the horn, making it that much harder for you to use the air horn effectively.

Again, the most important thing is for you not to panic…. The calmer you stay, the calmer your child or pet will be knowing that you have the situation under control.

So now lets walk through the steps of what to do if a strange dog is coming at you, your child, or your pet…..

• If you are walking with your child….. Have the air horn in an easily accessible place… many of them come with belt clip-ons. You see an animal coming towards you, Remember to remain calm…. sudden movements may agitate the stray even more. Give your child the word that means stand behind you. Your child gets behind you and you have your body turned towards the approaching animal. Calmly take the air horn, and now blast the air horn. (Hold the button down for a long continuous noise. You don’t want to keep hitting the button over and over again… remember, it is the loud sudden unexpected noise that startles and stops them… don’t give them a chance to ‘get used to ‘ the noise by repeatedly hitting the button It will lose its effectiveness.) While holding the button down, instruct your child to start slowly walking backwards with you. When the animal stops and/or runs away, be aware that your adrenaline is still pumping…. It is a scary moment…. But do not start running away with your child…. It may cause the animal that was retreating to want to chase you again. Keep calmly walking away until you know you and your child are safe. Now, remember to tell your child what a great job they did!!!! Let them know how proud you are of them, that your teamwork kept both of you safe!!!
• If you are walking with your dog…. It is important to remember that your dog’s instinct is going to be either fight or flight….. which are both dangerous reactions in this scenario. If their instinct is flight…and they go to run, the aggressive dog is going to give chase. On the flip side, if their instinct is to protect you…and they go into fight mode, they are actually ‘challenging’ the other animal and things can get ugly very fast. So remember, before heading out for your walk, put the air horn in an easy-to-reach convenient place. If another animal comes towards you, immediately tighten up on the leash, or step on the leash as close to their collar as you can get. (One of the advantages of you stepping on the leash close to the collar, is that this unusual action will surprise your dog, and they will be more focused on this than the approaching threat. It will also keep them still and free up your hands. Now blast that air horn!! Remember that it may startle your dog as well, so make sure you either have a firm grip on your leash, or that your foot holding the leash is firmly planted. The last thing you want is to have your foot on the leash, the air horn frightens your dog, and your dog tries to run, knocking you over in the process. Once the intruder has ran off, do not assume they are gone for good. Start backing away with your dog, keeping an eye on where the intruder went. You don’t want to turn your back on the intruder, thinking he is gone, bending over to pick up your dog and now you are attacked. Once you are sure they are gone, you can then pick up your dog or start walking away… but again, don’t run… it can attract the intruder’s attention and have him coming back for more.
• If the other dog starts to head back in your direction, blast that horn again, long and loud. It should stop them in their tracks. At the very least, it should attract passerby attention and hopefully get you some assistance.

So to wrap this up, we’ll do a quick recap…. Before leaving for your walk, have the air-horn in an easily accessible place. If a strange dog starts to come towards you, remain calm and rational, have your child get behind you slowly, or hold your dog’s leash firmly to you. Do not run away or make any sudden movements. Give the air horn a long steady blast, not a bunch of quick bursts, then slowly back away, keeping an eye on where the intruder disappeared, and once you know you are safe, praise your child or pet your dog and reassure them (and yourself!) that you did a good job keeping every body safe!!

One last comment: as a professional trainer, I’m sorry to have to add that I can’t account for every possible dog’s reaction. I wish I could. But, for example, a dog that has been trained to be aggressive may not react the way the majority of animals would. There are always exceptions to every rule – however in most cases, this will be the most effective way to keep you and your family safe.

Be a Parent and Not a Referee: Simple Tips to End the Fighting

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:44 pm

It’s the soundtrack to parenthood: the battles, the bickering, the rivalries. Mom- she’s touching me! He’s looking out my window! Tell her to get out of my room! Even on the best of days these sibling squabbles can make you want to pull your hair out. Add in busy schedules and mounting stress and coming home to conflict and contention can just be too much to handle. So what can you do when your living room more closely resembles a war zone rather than the relaxing retreat that it should be?

Though you can’t force your siblings to be best friends, you can get a handle on their squabbles and create a (relatively) harmonious home.

As you probably know already, just saying ‘You kids stop your fighting!’ isn’t going to cut it. Kids respond to firm boundaries and clear cut directives. So what you have to do is lay out some non-negotiable rules and enforce them…period.

There are four simple house rules that will result in a (temporary, at least) cease-fire on all the fighting. The key to successful implementation: consistency, consistency, consistency! (Did I say consistency?)

• No yelling. Instate a ‘vow of yellibacy’ in your house and enforce it. When tempers flare and feelings are hurt, the volume decimal tends to rise, causing arguments to quickly escalate and get out of hand. Just remember: the ‘no yelling’ rule isn’t only for the kids, it goes for you too. Parents have to set the example for staying calm and collected when they are upset or angry as well. This should be rule number one. All family members must use calm voices only—no yelling allowed. And if talks get heated, anyone can make a time-out hand sign hinting that he needs to cool down. When cooler heads prevail, arguments get resolved much more quickly and in a way that is less stressful for everyone.
• No taking without asking. Property ownership can be a BIG deal to little ones, and the time honored “Mooom, she’s touching my stuff!” complaint can be frequent in multi-child households. This can be a particularly touchy issue for tweens and teens- especially if there is a younger sibling in the house. Older siblings can get pretty upset when their iPads and laptops are confiscated by tiny sticky (literally!) fingers. Insist that permission of the owner must be granted before borrowing, using, or taking any property. Not only will this cut down on the conflict, but it will also make it easier to resolve any arguments that may come up. If permission was not asked for and granted, then you know who broke the rule. Simple as that.
• No hurtful behaviors. With bullies and mean girls running the schools, it’s important that you set the standard for you home to be a safe haven for your kids. It should be a place free from hurtful behaviors. Set a strict policy: name-calling and hitting will not be tolerated, under any circumstances and they will result in a consequence. Tolerating hurtful behavior inside your home only encourages your kids to display it when you aren’t around as well- and that’s not a character trait any parent wants to encourage. This rule should stand for each child in your home, no matter what age they are. The consequences may differ according to the age group: for a younger child, a display of hurtful behavior will result in a time-out. If your child is older, then it means the loss of a privilege. While hitting and hurtful words are sure to happen when it comes to siblings, it’s up to you to make them understand that you will not tolerate it under any circumstance.
• No involvement without evidence. If you are the parent of siblings, you’ve probably also spent a good deal of time playing referee. Kids are quick to run to a parent’s aid to help settle their disagreements and if you weren’t a witness to the incident itself, then it can be hard to know exactly what to do. You should get involved in the conflict only if you actually saw or heard it occur. This will help to keep you neutral and will encourage your kids to adopt strategies to help them work things out for themselves. If your kids seek your help, but you don’t have any evidence, then step away. Instead, suggest that they use Rock, Paper, Scissors to work out their problem. This prevents you from having to choose sides or take one kid’s word over another’s—and it will also teach them to work things out for themselves. After all, you won’t always be there to help them resolve their problems, so it’s better that they acquire the skills at home so they are ready when the time comes.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

How to Keep an Eye on Your Children Online

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:51 pm

Being careful…

Observing

Parenting

Investigating

Snooping

Spying

All of those words or phrases have similar meaning, at least in their denotative (dictionary or literal) form. In their connotative (commonly understood) form, they come out very differently. As a parent, it is our responsibility to look out for our children, even if they don’t always like it. And let’s be honest, we didn’t like it much when our parents “spied” on us.

Ask yourself this question: If your child was outside playing, would you look out the window occasionally to check on them? If you answered yes to that question, then you should also be willing to see what they’re doing online.

I’m not suggesting that you watch them 24/7. Just as when they’re offline, the amount of oversight will vary from child to child. It’s not about trusting your child to make the right choices. At least, it’s not just about that. According to the FBI, there are 750,000 predators online at any given moment. This is what concerns me as a parent.

Why is it so important that parents become more involved here? Because, as parent advocate and internet safety expert Sue Scheff reports, 57% of teens say that they know how to hide their online actions from their parents. That’s how many admit to it, so I believe the real number is even higher.

So, how can you keep an eye on what your children are doing online? There are several ways, many of which will be completely unknown to your kids.

1. Friending/Following Them

Many parents probably already do this. They might think that it’s a great way to see what their kids are up to, but it’s actually one of the least effective ways to know what’s happening to them online. The biggest reason why this is the case is because many kids are known to have multiple accounts on social media sites.

Smart kids continue to post to the accounts that their parents know about, while putting their private posts on another account. A zombie phone is one that is no longer on a call/data plan, but can still access the Internet using WiFi, just like any tablet can do. Really clever kids will use a zombie phone for their private accounts and stay signed into the accounts that their parents know about on their “active” phone.

On some apps, people may join groups to talk about shared interests. On some apps, you can’t tell if a person is in any group. On Facebook, they have Public, Closed and Secret groups. Nobody can tell if a person is a member of a secret group unless they are already in the same group. The only way for a parent to know if their child is the member of such a secret group is to either be a member of the group themselves or to be signed into Facebook as them (which will be explained shortly).

2. Seeing What their Friends Do

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Maybe your child is pretty adept at keeping you out of the loop, but maybe their friends aren’t as good at it. Maybe their Instagram account isn’t set to “private”, which blocks most people from seeing what they post. In that case, look at their friend’s accounts and see what they post there. Maybe you’ll see pictures from a party that your child said they hadn’t attended, even though you clearly see them in several pictures!

3. Using Search Engines/Sites

Have you ever entered your own name into a search engine to see what would show? I recommend it. You might be amazed at what you’ll see. Of course, it’s harder to find yourself or your family members if the name is fairly popular. Still, it’s a start.

In addition to the usual search engines, here are a few specific tools that can help you:

• Advanced Twitter Search – this feature on the popular app is really helpful and easy to use. Here’s the link: https://twitter.com/search-advanced.
• Google Alerts are a way to have Google send you email alerts if content which might include your child gets posted in real time. You can get a lot of false positives, though.
• Google Image Search is a great way to see if images are being posted online. I primarily use this to find catfish (online fakers), but it can also be used to see where images might be posted.

4. Third Party Monitoring Apps

There are many options here to choose from. The features range from being very permissive to being very restrictive. Those that are permissive tend to be more of a monitoring app that lets parents know if a child does something questionable online. At the opposite end of the spectrum, some of the apps lock out certain apps or websites from a device. Of course, these apps only work if the child doesn’t have a zombie phone. With so many options available, they allow parents to find the monitoring app that matches their parenting style.

5. Signing on as Your Kids

While this is the most time-consuming way to know what kids are doing online, it can be the most effective. However, this assumes that the child doesn’t have accounts on sites that their parents don’t know about – either single accounts or multiples on the same site. The same is true for kids who have unknown devices to use.

Those limitations aside, it gives full access to parents who want to see direct messages sent to their kids, what groups they may have joined and more. When I speak with parents, I always ask them what would happen if they asked their child to hand over their phone without notice. I’m always amazed at how many parents say that their kids would never allow that.

In most cases, the parents paid for the phone and probably pay for the monthly service. So while the child uses it, the phone is not their property. When we gave our daughter her first phone, we made sure that she was aware of this. Like many teens, she put a PIN on her phone to avoid people using it without permission. She is required to give us that PIN, as well as any logon credentials for any apps that she uses.

While we almost never use them, I actually did last night. I found out that she had changed the PIN after one of her friends was able to guess her original choice. It was a pretty easy code to guess if someone knew her, so she made it a more random number and harder to guess. We have never had a reason to question her judgment online, but we made it clear to her that as her parents, we reserve the right to access her devices/accounts if we felt the need. I didn’t check any of her emails or accounts, but if we couldn’t get past the PIN, we would not have even had the option to do so if we felt it necessary.

Takeaway

These methods vary in effectiveness and how invasive they are to the child, but the goal is always the same – to keep them safe and out of trouble. Sometimes, it’s protection from others and sometimes, we need to protect others from them. Kids may not like it when their parents “spy” on them, but we’re their parents, not their friends. Our primary responsibility is to protect them from dangers that they may not even know exist.

One of the most important things to remember is that if you do see something happening online that requires you to intervene, avoid doing it online.

We worry about what they might do online because it’s part of their Digital Footprint, otherwise known as their history and reputation. But the truth is, that what parents do online can become part of their Digital Footprint. We may not have liked it when our parents scolded us in front of our friends, but at least it was done and over with. Scold a child online and it will have much longer lasting effects.

Play-Dates: Making Sure Other Children Are Safe With Your Dog

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:45 pm

You probably did quite a bit of work (maybe even before you brought your new baby home), to ensure the relationship between your baby and your dog was cultivated and nurtured into a beautiful lifelong friendship. But now, time has passed, and following the natural course of events, they are ready to establish friendships with other children.

You may have met some other parents at the park, or if you work and your child is in daycare, they may have already made some friends and you have met some of the other parents, and decide to get together for a play date. But there are a few very important things to be aware of here before making plans to host this at your house to ensure that other children are safe around your dog, and I will give you some advice on a way to ‘test the waters’ without putting any child in danger.

To start off with, there are three very important questions you must answer:

1. What is the breed (or the dominant breed if your dog is a mix) of your dog?
2. How protective is your dog over your child?
3. Does your dog tend to be a bit on the skittish side?

The first question is important because there are certain characteristic traits that each breed may have that may tell you what to expect in a given situation. But also please note that I said “may”. Although knowing the breed of the dog can help you anticipate some possible behaviors, it is important to remember that most dogs have not ‘read the book’ on themselves, and therefore, do not always fall to ‘type’. This is why questions two and three are equally important. You have to know your own dog’s temperament to ensure everyone’s safety.

Going back to the first question; here are some examples of why the breed of the dog matters: Some breeds, what people have termed the ‘bully’ breeds, such as the Rottweiler, Pitt, Akita, Rhodesian Ridgeback, German Shepherds, and several others, despite the general public’s fear of them, are usually great with children…. Where the problem comes in, is that they are great with ‘their’ children… the one’s they have accepted into their pack. But often they are mistrustful of ‘strange’ children (ones they don’t know) and the biggest problem; they do not understand how children play:

Prime Example – your young child is playing with a toy and another child takes it, and now they are arguing over it. Remember, dogs are instinctual animals, so they rely heavily on their senses, not rational thought. What you observe: two children learning to share and work out disagreements. What your dog observes: (sound) shouting or crying (sight) your child posturing and ‘guarding’ what is theirs. (smell) humans secrete different odors that dogs can detect for fear, stress, anger, sadness, happiness, etc. (I am sure you have heard the term “They can smell your fear a mile away”)

Now I want to add that I highlighted some of the breeds that people, in general, can be nervous around, but ANY dog can go into protection mode if they perceive their pack member in danger. And any dog that tends to be skittish is usually not a great candidate to be invited to the play date. Remember what I talked about in earlier articles…. Fearful dogs have two vices…. Fight or flight. If you are lucky, they will choose the latter, but I think it is better to remove them from the situation to avoid them having to make that choice at all.

So, how can you ‘test the waters’ on how your dog will react while keeping everyone safe? One way I have found that works well is to start on neutral ground (somewhere other than your dog’s home, where his job is to be the ‘protector of the realm’.) This is a two adult exercise, so please do not attempt to do this alone… you cannot be in two places at once.

The first step is to find a park where the children’s playground area is fenced in. There does not necessarily have to be a closed gate, but a fence needs to be there. Now plan a trip to this park with two adults, your child, your dog, and plenty of treats. The adult working with your dog needs to be the one with the strongest authority over him… the un-challenged pack leader. To make the explanation of this exercise a bit easier, going forward, I will refer to this adult as ‘the handler.’ Double-check your dog’s equipment (leash and collar) before doing this as well. Do not trust a leash that has been previously chewed or that is frayed in any way, or a collar that could easily slip off. Hint: If you typically use a Flexi leash®, now is NOT the time to use it. You need something with guaranteed control, not something that may or may not lock when you need it to.

Once you arrive at the park, the handler remains outside of the playground, behind the fence with the dog and the second adult brings the child in to play with the other children. Make sure your dog can see your child, but be aware that you don’t keep calling the dog’s name to make sure he is watching, as this will confuse him and make him want to come to you, and you will not know whether his reaction is stress from being away from the child, or not being able to come to you when called. Now comes the important job of the handler…. Watching. There are many ways to tell your dogs reaction long before they actually act. Body language is a clear give-away as to what they are feeling.

Here are some simple signs that can tell you your dog’s stress level:

Relaxed:

• Ears forward
• Mouth open with normal panting
• Looking around at many things
• Follows commands easily

Stressed and Reactive:

• Ears back
• Excessive panting
• Pacing
• Whining, crying, or barking
• Scruff up on the back of their necks
• Excessive yawning
• Stare locked on your child
• Difficulty following basic commands

If he starts to whine and cry as the child is walking away, a good way for the handler to tell the extent of the dogs reaction is by giving some commands. A dog that is very stressed and reactive may have a difficult time following even basic commands, such as SIT, DOWN and STAY. If he follows the commands easily enough, treat and praise.

If you had some mild difficulty (i.e. he is ‘locked in’ on your child and not listening), try refocusing him by simply walking him around in a few circles with some basic commands and plenty of praise and treats. If you see him start growling at the other children and you have a difficult time refocusing him, I recommend walking further away, giving him a few commands that are treat-worthy so you end on a positive note, and try again another time (just try not to wait too long in between these sessions.) Repeat this exercise as many times as it takes until your dog becomes relaxed and non-reactive consistently .

If your dog is aggressively growling at other children, trying to lunge, or exhibits behaviors that are very concerning, I would suggest not trying this exercise again until you consult with a professional trainer. *A good resource to find a trainer near you is the International Association of Canine Professions (IACP). Click on ‘find a professional’ and then enter your zip code for a list of local trainers.

If your dog was relaxed (non-reactive) the entire time, it is a pretty good indicator that they may do well during play dates, but as an added ‘protection feature’ at the first play date after this exercise is successful, have your gates up, and the dog on a leash the entire time. Remember, the handler’s job on that first play date needs to be focusing on the dog, regardless of how well it is going. If the adult in charge of the kids needs assistance, ask one of the other parents to help… you never know what action may set off the dog’s reaction, and things can go south very quickly, so now is not the time to ask the handler to help put out snacks.

I will end this with two last thoughts: The best defence is a good offense.

1. Don’t over-react, but be vigilant and aware. And if neither of you is 100% convinced that you can handle any reaction, it is OK to start off using a muzzle. It is humane, and ensures the safety of everyone around.
2. And lastly, as I always stress, no matter how great it is going, the children should ALWAYS be supervised around the dog.

An added bonus: You may have other parents there that have no experience with their children interacting with dogs. If they are nervous about there being a dog in your home, they will be impressed with the measures you have taken to ensure their child’s safety.

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