How to Inspire Your Child To Swim
Last updated on October 3rd, 2012 at 12:44 am
Most children are born loving the water. The earlier you can get them in the water doing playful ‘parent-tot’ classes the better off you are. I’m not a fan of the classes that put a baby in the water without a parent, or that force a baby or small child into the water in any way. I think they introduce the concept of trauma around water and can instill fear instead of respect for the water. Fortunately, most park districts and YMCA’s have fantastic programs to introduce young children to the water.
But what about when children get older? When they are old enough to resist getting in the water or have even developed some fears about water? What if they would rather be playing soccer, doing hip-hop, don’t want to get their hair wet, don’t like their bathing suit, or they just seem determined to sabotage your idea of a ‘good, healthy activity’?
Sometimes bringing in some inspirational peer pressure is the best thing you can do. Try showing your kids some of these amazing videos and see if they decide being a swimmer is about the coolest thing they can do. And yes, it worked for me with my youngest!
My all time favorite, from Capitola Jr. Lifeguards. It shows kids around 12-18, all junior lifeguards, singing to Call Me Maybe.
These aren’t only peers, they are an inspiration. Being a lifeguard is probably the only job available to someone so young that literally puts the life of others in their hands – that asks them to save lives every time they go to work. It is an incredibly responsible job requiring regular ongoing training, dedication, maturity, and courage. As a parent, aren’t those qualities you would like your child to develop?
And if that doesn’t work, how about the great role models of the 2012 USA Olympic Swim Team?
For boys in particular, try some rap to an original song, Lifeguard, done by some very cool lifeguards at Raging Waves water park.
And parents, if you are ever struggling with tweenies/teens and just want want a reminder of how amazing this age group can be, watch the videos yourself, it will bring a smile to your face! 🙂
The Surprising Benefits of Peer Pressure
Last updated on August 26th, 2012 at 04:48 pm
Kids do some crazy things to keep up with their friends – even preschoolers (“I dare you to eat a worm!”). But as negative as it can be, there are a few benefits of peer pressure.
“There’s no doubt that peers can make each other more aggressive, but they can also make each other smarter and happier,” says psychology professor William M. Bukowski, Ph.D., of Concordia University in Montreal. “In fact, the positive effects of peer influence are more important than the negative effects.”
Here’s how going along with the crowd can be a smart move after all — and how you can encourage your child to reap the rewards.
Benefit of Peer Pressure: Encourages excellence. Students who learn with smarter classmates tend to perform better academically themselves, according to a 2011 study in Child Development. That’s because kids imitate each other, especially when they’re unsure of how to behave. They also reward each other for acting a certain way — by laughing, smiling and giving each other high-fives. “Children have expectations of one another, and they make those expectations clear,” says Bukowski.
Your move: Book more playdates with the kids who model doing the right thing.
Benefit of Peer Pressure: Teaches flexibility. Kids who are eager to fit in will turn on a dime as needed. But while hating grilled cheese one minute and loving it as soon as a playmate eats it seems wishy-washy, that tendency can develop into a willingness to accommodate and compromise, a key feature of all reciprocal relationships, according to Bukowski. “It may be that it’s okay to behave one way in one circumstance and another way in another, but they have to decide what’s best for them,” he says.
Your move: Don’t criticize the flip-flopping—even if it drives you nuts! Remember that it’s your kids’ way of learning to compromise and be flexible.
Benefit of Peer Pressure: Develops empathy. An upside to worrying so much about what peers think is that it helps kids develop a greater awareness of their own feelings, which in turn improves their social skills. “It’s through interaction with others that you can learn most easily what it’s like to be someone else,” says Bukowski.
Your move: When your child is upset with a friend, suggest considering the other person’s perspective.
Benefit of Peer Pressure: Prevents obesity. A 2011 study from the University of Buffalo showed that friends influence how much a kid eats. “Individuals are influenced by the eating and activity norms set by those around them,” says Sarah-Jeanne Salvy, Ph.D., assistant professor of pediatrics in the University at Buffalo’s Division of Behavioral Medicine and first author of the study. And Salvy’s study found that a child is less likely to nibble out of boredom after school if she’s busy playing with a pal. “Friendship is a great way to minimize stress and boredom and the eating associated with those feelings,” says Bukowski.
Your move: Expand your child’s social network to include kids who are active, have a positive attitude and seem to bring out the best in your child. With the right friends, peer pressure can be a powerful force for good.
8 Ways to Help a Shy Child
Last updated on January 31st, 2018 at 05:26 pm
Being a shy child isn’t easy – and for many parents, neither is raising one. You want your child to be happy and make friends, and when you see her hang back, your tendency is to push her into social situations. But pushing won’t give her the skills to control her shyness, according to Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., director of The Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast.
“Adults think that being outgoing should be naturally occurring, but this is not something you grow out of,” says Dr. Carducci, who has also written The Shyness Breakthrough: A Stress-Free Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun.
Here are Dr. Carducci’s tips for teaching your child to overcome insecurity and succeed in social situations.
1. Love your child for who she is, not who you want her to be.
A child who undergoes social pressure doesn’t need the added stress of feeling like a disappointment. “You don’t want her to think that because she’s a little different you don’t like her,” says Dr. Carducci.
2. Show up early and give your child a chance to warm up.
Be one of the first ones at the party so your child can acclimate slowly as guests arrive. Allow her to just sit back and observe – even if it’s uncomfortable for you. While you’re waiting, prepare her for action by helping her think of ways to approach the other kids.
3. Help build your child’s confidence one step at a time.
Invite a school friend over to your home – a comfortable environment. Next time, take them to the park or invite a third child over. The key is to build on your child’s success by introducing new social elements one by one.
4. Remind your child of past strategies and successes.
Before your child enters a social situation, look for similarities to situations he’s faced before. Remind him how he handled things that time, and show him how this upcoming encounter is not an entirely new situation.
5. Use family time to discuss and practice social skills at home.
Over dinner, talk about what your child can expect from a certain social experience in advance. Do play-date post-mortems to remind your child of her strengths and problem-solving techniques. Be sure to include her in conversation and save adult-only discussions for later.
6. Give your child a diversity of social experience.
Bring him to different public places – the supermarket, library, post office – where he can engage with other people. Have him hand over the cash or the library card. Ask him to give the mail to the postal worker instead of dropping it in the box.
7. Be involved in the lives of others where sharing occurs.
Join a volunteer project and bring your shy child with you. That way she can see people with common goals and values working together. Help out an elderly neighbor together so your child participates in acts of kindness.
8. Be social too.
“Let your child see you be outgoing – talking to people, inviting people over,” says Dr. Carducci. Just like reading in front of children helps them become readers, socializing in front of a shy child helps her overcome her insecurities and learn the social skills she needs.
Love Is Not Abuse – Please Talk to Your Teens!!
Last updated on October 6th, 2015 at 12:33 am
Do you know what an abusive dating relationship looks like? Would you recognize the signs if your child was involved in one? Are you sure?
Two years ago a very close friend of mine discovered that his son (yes folks this happens to boys too) -his brilliant, talented, confident son – had spent his last semester at college involved in an abusive relationship. The girl he was dating sent him an unbelievable number of emails alternating between” I love you”, “I hate you”, “you’re everything to me”, “you’re nothing…none of your friends like you – I’m all you have”…etc. The stream of emails was almost constant…and in between there were phone calls and voice mails, all intended to build him up and then break him down until his self image became nothing more than a reflection of whatever mood she was in.
My friend found out about this – not by talking to his son – but when campus police called to notify him that they had received a tip that his son had left campus, taken a train to a nearby city, checked himself into a hotel and was talking about suicide. Ironically, it was his girlfriend who had called this in. Even sadder – despite the abuse (and warnings from his school) he could not stay away from her which resulted in his forced withdrawal from college. Although he was eventually allowed to return, the damage was done.
How could my friend not have seen that his son was in trouble?? Why didn’t he talk to him? Unfortunately his experience is not uncommon. Studies have shown that more than half of all parents do not recognize the warning signs. According to Cindy Southworth, founder of the National Network to End Domestic Violence’s Safety Net Technology Project, “one of the foremost challenges in dating abuse is understanding that using power and control over a dating partner often goes beyond physical violence”. Jane Randel of Liz Claiborne Inc. adds: “Despite the fact that one in four teens are victimized through technology, our research shows that parents are dangerously out of touch with the high levels of dating violence and abuse taking place in their children’s lives”. In truth, we can’t afford to be.
Fortunately parents, there is something that can help. Liz Claiborne Inc. recently launched Love Is Not Abuse (LINA), an iPhone app that provides parents with a rare insight into what it feels like for their teen to be a victim of digital dating abuse. The app simulates the abuse that many teens endure in their dating relationships. For just a few minutes, application users will receive text messages, emails and phone calls from a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ that mimic the actual communications abused teens receive – in many cases, all day and night.
Love Is Not Abuse provides parents with facts on teen dating abuse, helps them recognize abusive behaviors, directs them too immediate help if they suspect their child is in an abusive relationship and offers tips on how to talk to their teen about dating abuse. “When parents know concrete examples of what can constitute dating abuse, they are better-equipped to support their children.
So now we know…and now it’s up to you and me to do something! Remember, teen dating abuse comes in many forms, making it difficult to recognize. It does not always leaves scratches or bruises, so parents need also to be aware of subtle signs that their teen may be under attack through technology. And we need to acknowledge that this doesn’t make it any less serious.
Dating abuse can result in injury, death and mental health problems including suicidal thoughts, substance use, disordered eating and depression. My friend was lucky – he got the call before his son took his life… but it could just as easily have gone another way. Please talk to your kids and establish a support system before the abuse happens. Remind them that LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT – ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR is NEVER OK.
CONNECT WITH “LOVE IS NOT ABUSE” ON THESE SOCIAL MEDIAS
- Love is Not Abuse on Facebook
- Love_IsNotAbuse on Twitter
The Love is Not Abuse app is available FOR FREE at the iTunes App store
Many thanks to Leslie Loves Veggies and Mom Central Consulting for sharing this information so we could share it with our readers.
Bullying: 10 Things We Can Do to Keep Them Safer at School
Last updated on October 6th, 2015 at 12:18 am
We know our kids will have the new school supplies they need to start school, but have we given them the tools they need to deal with more than the reading, writing and arithmetic?
With the new school year quickly 
approaching, now is the perfect time to sit down with our children and talk about bullying.
Studies estimate that 1 out of 3 children are bullied, and over 150,000 children a day, skip school because they fear being bullied by another student.
As parents, there is much we can do to help our children avoid, prepare for, and deal with bullying. This will ease our children’s minds, and ours.
What do we do…
1. We realize, that no matter what we do, OUR KIDS WILL FACE CONFRONTATION in their lives. In school, in college, in the work place, in their neighborhoods, in marriage, as parents. Confrontation is part of life. We have to prepare them for it.
2. We need to help our children understand that it is never okay to fight. For the most part, nothing good comes of fighting. Fighting is not the answer. When our children are 40 and they have a disagreement with a coworker, they can’t use their fists to solve the problem then. Why would we teach them that that is how to deal with conflict now. It is not a skill that will serve them through their lives. That said, we need to teach our children to stand up for themselves in self-defense. They should know that if they need to defend themselves because they are being, or going to be physically attacked, then they defend themselves. And, that if they do have to fight in self-defense, that we will not be angry, but understand. They need to know that they always defend themselves if/when things turn physical.
Then, we need to…
3. Talk to our children when they are young. Waiting until our kids are bullied is not a good time to start addressing the issue. Use situations and find ways to bring up the subject and discuss it when they are young. Children who feel embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are very unlikely to come home and share how they feel. Make it clear to your children that you are always there to listen, and that you can relate. If it is hard to talk to them, round up some children’s books on the subject, or ask your spouse to help. Don’t scare your children, but inform them.
4. Role-Play: Give your children different scenarios and teach them how to handle them. “What do you do if…?” (someone calls you a name, makes fun of you, someone takes your lunch, someone hits you). Go through each situation and teach them what to say and do. It will empower them, and when they are faced with the bully they wont be as intimidated because they will have had experience and practiced ways to handle the situation.
Role play simple words and actions…
- Stand up straight and tall – Shoulders back
- Don’t show emotion
- Use a firm voice
5. Teach Conflict Resolution. We have to teach our children how to deal with conflict and confrontation. Teach them to manage their anger, communicate, and listen. Teach them how to compromise and be patient. This is done through everyday life situations and role-play. As conflict happens in your home, between siblings, use it to teach. We also must be good examples of conflict resolution in our own adult lives.
6. Let children work things out themselves. As parents we can be very quick to step in and stop the arguing and disagreements between our children. We decide who we think is the winner, and then go about our business. We feel good because the conflict and contention has stopped. We need to let our children work out their own disagreements. If we will sit back and watch, they will almost always be able to solve their own problems. Family situations are the perfect place for them to practice working through conflict when dealing with others. There is no better schoolroom than our home.
7. Keep our Ears Open. When our kids try and talk to us, we have to listen. They will drop little hints when there are bullying problems. It is easy to miss the cues when we are not really listening to what is being said. When our kids’ talk to us, we need to put everything else aside and really be in the moment to listen. Kids will tell us there is a problem long before bullying turns physical, listen to them.
8. Acknowledge Verbal Abuse. Just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t mean it is okay. Verbal bullying causes children to feel the same things as physical bullying: fear, loneliness, depression, anxiety, emotional distress, and lower self-esteem. Don’t blow off your child’s concerns.
9. Give them a hobby, interest, sport, talent, where they can excel. Build their self-confidence. We should involve our children in healthy activities where they find success. Something they like, that challenges them and where they can excel. Whether it is sports, a hobby or an interest. These activities will boost their self-confidence and belief in themselves, teach them how to deal with success and failure, solve problems, deal with others and speak their minds. A strong self-esteem is our child’s best defense against bullying.
10. Model/Teach Empathy As parents, we need to model kind, gentle behavior for our children. They learn by watching us. Be sure that the other adults and kids that are around our children demonstrate empathy as well. We need to teach our kids to try to understand other’s points of view and to feel compassion towards others. If we are always raising our voices, showing impatience, and arguing, they will do the same. Empathetic children are also less likely to become bullies themselves.
As parents, we can do a lot to help our children deal with bullying. Send your children to school with more than just new pencils. Send them with confidence and strength to deal with conflict and stand up for themselves.
WERE YOU EVER BULLIED AS A CHILD? AS AN ADULT? HAS YOUR CHILD BEEN BULLIED?
5 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal With Rejection
Last updated on October 5th, 2015 at 10:54 pm
There are 15 spots on the Little League team, and 30 kids are trying out. There’s one lead role in the musical, and 10 kids are auditioning. And out of six candidates vying for student council president, only one will win. Kids take risks all the time when they try out for something, and sooner or later, they’re going to face rejection. How they handle it depends a lot on how you deal with it.
The key is changing the concept of failure and helping kids see competition as a way to improve their skills, according to California State University professor David Hibbard, who has studied the development of perfectionism among kids. “That way, a ‘failure’ is not a failure at all; it’s the road to competence and mastery,” says Hibbard.
Here are five ways to lessen the blow for your child and turn a negative experience into a strength-building one:
1. Manage expectations.
You can’t shield your child from disappointment, but you can help him prepare for the possibility. Without being a naysayer, remind him that many more kids are trying out this year or that he’s up against players with more experience. By making him aware of the hurdles he faces going in, he’ll gain a better perspective if things don’t work out.
2. Offer encouragement, not accolades.
When kids are competing for a spot, there’s no such thing as “the best.” There may be three, five or 10 equally strong contenders — all of whom think they’re No. 1. Tell your child you’re proud of the work he’s done to prepare for the tryout and that you think he has as good a chance as anyone else (assuming that you do), but stop short of telling him he’s the best.
3. Allow venting.
When your child doesn’t make the team, don’t put a cheery face on the situation. It’s a huge blow for her in the short term, and she needs you to acknowledge how painful it is. Let her cry or stomp around furiously for a few minutes, knowing that you accept and support her no matter what. Then, talk about the feelings around disappointment. “Having a warm, compassionate discussion helps a child learn from the competition,” says Hibbard.
4. Help your kids reach out.
Kids often retreat after a rejection — particularly a public one. But pulling back only reinforces the feelings of being a loser. If a friend made the team or won the election, encourage your child to call and offer congratulations. Suggest that he email the coach and find out what skills he should work on. Your child will see that failing at one attempt doesn’t affect his relationships or reputation.
5. Set new goals.
Once your kids have gotten past their disappointment, help them develop new goals to work toward – shaving a minute off their speed before the spring track tryouts or improving their vocal range before the next set of auditions. Stress to them that both failure and success are the result of trying, and that many failures have led to future victories.
By giving them the tools to handle rejection, you’ll teach your kids that it’s worth setting goals and taking risks, no matter what the outcome.
