What To Do If You’re Concerned About Your Kid’s Friends

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:39 pm

Bad friends. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: we imagine only the worse: drugs, smoking, sex, trouble with the law. But what should parents do if they notice that their daughter is hanging out more with a kid whose values don’t seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your son from being with a particular friend?

The bottom line on this one: It’s okay to have friends who are different from your child. After all, exposing our kids to diversity is a big part of helping to broaden their horizons, learn new skills and perspectives, and get along with others. The trick here is to figure out when the other kid’s values or lifestyle are really reckless, self-destructive or totally inappropriate. Consider this: could hanging around this kid damage your child’s character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our kids are rarely “made bad” by another kid, but the friends our kids choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that he may—or may not—get into trouble.

Here are a few tips to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting.

• Restate your standards. Be clear your child knows your family values and is aware of the consequence if he violates them. “No drugs, drinking, smoking.” “You always call to tell me where you are.” “You only go to homes where parents are there to supervise.” “You don’t leave one location and go to another without telling me.” A one time talk to your child isn’t going to cut it so plan to talk again and again.
• Share your concerns. Instead of judging or criticizing your kid’s companion (which is guaranteed to end the conversation), describe the changes you see in your child. “I notice whenever you sit next to Kevin in class, I get a call from the teacher.” “You never swore before you starting hanging around that group.” If you’re not sure you understand what’s going on, ask questions. “You hid Ricky’s magazine when I came in your room. What exactly was it that you didn’t want me to see?”
• Talk to the parent. Do try to talk to the other kid’s parent, and it’s best to do so as soon as your child befriends their child. Meeting personally would be ideal, but a phone call is usually more realistic. Try your best to be positive, friendly, and open minded. Exchange phone numbers. And if you haven’t taken time to do so with his other friends, make it a policy from now on.
• Befriend your child’s friends. Get to them and let them know you are interested in their lives. You may see a different side. “Do you play any sports?” “How did you and Norma meet?” “Are you in any of the same classes?” “Can you stay for dinner?”
• Ask “What if..” A good way to assess your kid’s ability to handle peers who could be trouble is by posing “What if…” questions. You make up the problem scenario, but then listen to how your child responds. Her answers will be a springboard to talk about possible solutions she may face in bad company. “What if you go to a friend’s house and you there aren’t any parents there?” “What if you’re at a slumber party and your friends want to sneak out and (smoke, drink, meet boys, etc)?”
• Get the facts. Talk to other parents, teachers, and adults whose opinions you value. Do they know the kid and share your concerns? Do their kids hang around with them? If not, why? What do they suggest?
• Know where your kid is at all times. Make it clear that immediately after school (or any activity) you want to hear from him. If your child doesn’t have access to a cell phone or pager, give him a phone card and teach him how to use it or how to make collect phone calls. There should be no excuses.
• Keep an open house. Stock your refrigerator with sodas, save those pizza coupons, and make your house “kid friendly” so your child’s friends want to come to your house. In fact, worry more if you kid doesn’t want to bring his friends over. Besides feeling more comfortable and knowing where your kid is, you’ll also be able to keep your eyes and ears open to see if your concerns are really grounded.
• Foster new associations. The best way to limit time spent a potential bad friend is to find other social avenues to go down instead. Look for places she can make new friends such as Boys & Girls Club, scouts, clubs, music, sports. Arrange activities that your child really wants to do (the basketball team, guitar lessons, the art class).
• Be prepared. Teach your child what to do any time he does not feel comfortable or thinks there could be trouble. Set up a code word that only you and your family know such as “Robin Hood,” “Trick or Treat,” “Jimmy called.” That way anytime you are talking to your child and his friends are listening, he can say the word and you’ll know you really want to come home. Also have a “parent support” group available in which you and another friend who knows your child well, agrees that anytime you’re not available your child will call her (and vice versa with their kid) to pick him up.
• Watch for red flags. Are you seeing any changes in your child’s behavior that are big warning signs that things are becoming more serious? The key is to look for differences you’ve noticed in your child since she began hanging around with this companion: Grades slipping, tears, moodiness, red eyes (drugs), alcohol or smoke smell (or cologne to possibly cover up the smell), defiant or disrespectful attitude, hiding things or acting sneakily, sleeping too much, more accidents, a complete wardrobe change that is “not” your kid. Remember to direct your concerns to where it really counts: how your kid acts instead of how the other kids behave.
• Forbid bad friend when serious issues emerge. If the companion clearly is a “bad influence” and is pushing your kid into experimenting with serious issues such as drugs, substance abuse, shoplifting, sex, smoking, it’s time to draw a halt to the relationship. This may be easier said than done, and you might need to consider the extreme: changing schools, a summer camp, a month at a relative’s, a boarding school, or even moving. In some cases it really may be the only option to prevent a potential tragedy.

Above all, keep the lines of communication open and your relationship warm and positive as your child. You want to convey the message loud and clear: “I love you.” “Remember, I’m always here for you.” Don’t let your dislike of your child’s friends hinder your relationship with your child.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

Peer Pressure: Advice For Tweens and Teens About Sex & Choices

Last updated on September 12th, 2015 at 11:15 pm

Sometimes it feels like everyone’s trying to push you into having sex: your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, films and TV. But it’s up to you when you have sex, and it’s OK to say no. Find out how to resist the pressure.

One minute you’re playing kiss-chase in the playground and sex doesn’t come into it. The next minute your friends are obsessed about when everyone will lose their virginity.

You might be thinking about sex, but the reality of it can be confusing. It takes time to understand what sex is all about, and just because you want to know more doesn’t mean that you have to rush into anything.

If you’re feeling pressured into having sex, you’re not alone. You might feel like the only virgin, but the average age that teenagers start having sex in the UK is 16 (and 17 in the US*). This is true for boys and girls so not everyone who says they’ve had sex is telling the truth.

Good relationships start with friendship, and trust builds from there.

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the pressure that your friends and the people you know, put on you to do something you don’t want to do (or don’t feel ready to do), such as have sex. There are different types of peer pressure:

• obvious peer pressure, such as: “Everyone’s doing it, so should you”
• underhand peer pressure, such as: “You’re a virgin, you wouldn’t understand”
• controlling peer pressure, such as: “You would do it if you loved me”

Good reasons to wait until you’re ready

The pressure that your friends put on you is worse than the pressure you put on yourself. Most of us have to deal with it at some point, but it’s difficult when friends brag about having sex and criticise you for being a virgin.

Not everything you hear is true. They could be exaggerating to make themselves look more experienced than you. Rushing into sex just to impress your friends or partner could leave you feeling like a fool because you didn’t make your own decision.

It might help you to remember that:

• being in love or fancying someone doesn’t mean that you have to have sex
• not having sex is not a sign that you’re immature
• saying no to sex is not bad for anyone’s health

It’s fine to say no or to say that you want to wait a while, even if you’ve had sex before. Find out 15 things you should know about sex.

Making your own decision

Don’t do something you’re not ready to do just to please other people. You’re more likely to regret your first time if you do it under pressure. You’re also more likely to forget about contraception and condoms, which help to prevent pregnancy and protect you from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia.

Having sex won’t make your boyfriend or girlfriend like you more or stay with you. Your first time is important, so think carefully about it and take it slowly.

Everyone (girls, boys, lesbian, gay, straight or bisexual) deserves to make their own decision in their own time. Sex can be great when both people like each other and feel ready. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

How to stand up to the pressure

Standing up to peer pressure means deciding whether to go along with everyone else or make your own decisions. Your friends might say things that put you under pressure. Here are some things you can say back to them to keep them quiet:

They say: “You haven’t had sex because no one fancies you.”
You say: “I haven’t had sex because I’m not afraid of saying no” or “I’m waiting for the right person”.

They say: “You’ll get dumped if you don’t do it soon.”
You say: “We like each other for more than just sex.”

They say: “We’ve all done it loads of times.”
You say: “And Santa really climbs down the chimney every year.”

They say: “You must be gay.”
You say: “As if waiting for the right person means anything about my sexuality. Gay and straight people can wait for the right person” or “So what if I am?”

They say: “You’ll get a reputation for being frigid.”
You say: “Waiting for the right person makes me smart, not frigid.”

If you want to talk to someone in confidence, in the UK you can call the Sexual Health Helpline on 0300 123 7123 (for under-25s). (In the US there are several Sexual Health hotline resources available)

Find out more about:

The 15 methods of contraception

Girls’ bodies growing up

Boys’ bodies growing up

How to say no

*Editors Note: Guttmacher Institute – American Teens’ Sexual and Reproductive Health, May 20014

*Photo credit: Sarahcstanley; CC license

“I Dare You”: Internet Challenges and Kids’ Water Safety

Last updated on September 12th, 2015 at 11:10 pm

“I dare you. I double dare you.” Ever hear those words? Ever utter those words? They were certainly part of my childhood. Even if the words have changed, the idea certainly hasn’t. Taking risks, pushing the limits, is part of childhood. It’s actually an important part of childhood and developing skills. After all, who wants their strong, healthy 23-year old to still be holding your hand to walk or unable to navigate stairs by themselves because they were afraid to fall? The fine line in parenting is teaching our kids to take reasonable risks and expand their horizons and when to say ‘no way’ to the risk and the peer pressure.

The latest craze following the (dangerous) #ColdWaterChallenge is the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise awareness for ALS. Although some in the water safety field are concerned about the safety, my common-sense-mom-meter tells me that as long as you don’t drop the bucket on your head and there is no electricity involved, I don’t see real danger. Certainly fewer cases of injury or death than you get with jumping into ice cold water, jumping into abandoned quarries, jumping off trestle bridges, tombstoning (jumping off a cliff into the water), slipping into a neighbor’s pool late at night, or other parental-terror-inducing dares that include water.

You need to help your child, and especially your teenagers, know when to draw the line. A good starting point is to say, “If the dare involves water, understand it has a higher chance of ending badly, with either paralysis, permanent brain damage, or death. Water doesn’t give you second chances.”

The next point is to teach your child to ask “why?” Why should I be the one jumping off the bridge? Why should I be the one to hold my breath the longest? Why should I jump off the rocks? Why should I climb the fence and swim in the pool? Tell them that only a coward does what other people tell them to do. The toughest you can ever be is to look a bully, or even a friend or sibling, in the eye and say “No.” Especially if accompanied by an uncompromising cold stare. Suggest they practice in the bathroom mirror, maybe give them an example, after all all parents have the ‘don’t even think it’ stare down pat.

Once you know the “why”, ask if the “why” is a good enough reason. Is it a fairly harmless way of showing solidarity? Does it hurt you or anyone else? Do you really want to do it?

For the ice bucket challenge, the ‘why’ is explained in this devastating video. My heart goes out to those who are suffering from, or caring for those who suffer from ALS. For myself, the “why” isn’t enough to do the challenge, just not me, but it’s enough to make me spread the word or donate time or money to raise awareness and direct research funding. Which brings me to the last point.

Teach your child that some actions and words speak louder than others. Don’t just dump a bucket on your head or wear the bracelet or the other symbols of support. Donate your time. Donate your money. Speak up. Write letters. Care. And don’t pressure your friends into making bad decisions. Because each action does make a difference.

Developing Empathy in Kids for a Parent’s Illness

Last updated on September 13th, 2015 at 01:25 am

For reasons unknown to me, my family and various doctors consulted over the years, I get sick a lot. Sometimes for extended periods. My husband says I will catch any bug that comes within a hundred feet of me! So I’ve had various colds, strep throat, mono, shingles, and – most recently – vertigo, caused by a head cold I caught at the end of May. With all these illness, and especially ones where I don’t “look” sick, I’ve noticed my son isn’t showing much empathy for my situation, which has become both aggravating and concerning.

Why does it matter? Empathy – the ability to understand and relate to another person’s experience – is an important “emotional intelligence” skill, and emotional intelligence (often noted as EQ) has been shown to be as or more important than intelligence for future academic and professional success, as well as personal happiness. In this vein, empathy for bouts of illness could help children throughout their lives, both personally and professionally. At work it could help them be better coworkers and managers (as I remember a boss who told me over the phone, “You don’t sound sick,” when I was suffering from mononucleosis due to overwork). Personally, it could help them in their relationships with their spouse and family – to be more supportive during illness. Additionally, a healthy respect for illness and the impact it has on people might also help in caring for and supporting themselves, giving themselves space and time to recover and looking after themselves in the first place in order to avoid illness.
And, of course, empathy from the kids really helps make things easier on the parent who is sick!

My recent issue with vertigo started out with severe and scary symptoms of the whole world spinning and me falling and flailing within it. While these symptoms only lasted about a week – the condition persisted to a lesser degree for a couple more months, causing mild dizzy spells, difficulty concentrating, severe fatigue and occasional headaches. It really prevented me from doing my usual activities, including a full work schedule, driving, home chores, and social activities.

Initially my son was not very empathetic about the vertigo, probably partly because it is such a rare/odd condition – and I didn’t LOOK sick. He suggested I was being overly “dramatic” as I was falling and flailing and occasionally made some slightly rude comments of the “drama queen” “always sick” variety. Plus he kept demanding my time and attention when I really just couldn’t give it.

This started to make be both concerned and angry, as I was going through enough without having to deal with a 12-year-old’s world-view, so I started a concerted “empathy-development” program with Elliott – with some success. Here’s what worked for me:

• I highlighted the negative behavior and his specific comments (and tone) – and how they made me feel
• I explained what was happening to me (simply), including how my brain was affected by getting different signals about where my body was – I tried to give him an explanation of why I was acting and feeling this way
• I talked about how it felt to have this condition and to be ill “again” – and what I felt I was missing out on – and answered his questions about the condition / situation
• I also described what good would look like (e.g. “Asking how I’m feeling, checking on my symptoms” or “making me tea when I’m tired”)
• Asking for help from my husband (could also be a friend / family member) to reinforce the message about my illness and what support I need
• Although these steps had some positive results, I still had to remind him regularly that I still had this issue – as he would forget or just assume I was better at some point

After trying these approaches, Elliott’s comments became a lot more positive – and he even made me a nice tea tray in bed. The situation’s not perfect – but it’s better. At least he is now aware of his behavior and making an effort: the other day I made a comment about his earlier negative actions and he said, “That was then, I’m not doing that anymore, right?” Even if he’s not perfect, I’m just pleased that he recognizes his earlier behavior wasn’t ideal.

Are You a Drama Mama? Know When to Back Off

Last updated on March 3rd, 2014 at 10:57 pm

Your child has a fight with a friend. She’s in tears; you’re furious and ready to defend her. But should you? In this age of helicopter parenting, it’s hard not to step in when you see your child in a social dilemma. But that’s not always the answer.

“In recent years, I’ve seen a trend of mothers confronting other mothers – by phone or email, or in person – to resolve their kids’ social issues; I call it ‘Mama Drama,’” says Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and the owner of Urban Balance LLC in Chicago. “It’s problematic on several levels: It not only crosses boundaries, but also prevents kids from developing coping skills and learning that it’s not a perfect world where everybody always gets along and gets included.”

Laurie Zelinger, a child psychologist and the author of Please Explain Anxiety to Me! Simple Biology and Solutions for Children and Parents, agrees. “Social slights occur and recur throughout life,” she says. “You lived through them, so your child deserves the opportunity to live through them too.”

Here are some common kid dramas your child may face, and how to help her survive them – without being a drama mama.

Drama: Your second-grader is hurt because she didn’t get invited to a classmate’s birthday party.

Solution: Don’t call the birthday child’s mom and demand an invite for your child. Not only is this rude, but it also puts the mom in an awkward position if she has limited space or money for the party.

Instead, help your child deal with her disappointment by sharing your own sadness about times when you were left out of parties or clubs. Remind her that she didn’t invite the entire class to her last birthday party, and, if the classmate isn’t a close friend of hers, point that out. Finally, suggest a get-together with her true pals. “The real problem might be that she needs more social interaction,” says Marter.

Drama: Your son complains that no one plays with him at recess.

Solution: Talk to your child about being excluded, and make supportive statements – “I bet you never expected that to happen” – to validate his feelings. “If you ask too many questions, you’ll sound like a detective and put him on the defensive,” cautions Fred Zelinger, a child and family psychologist in Cedarhurst, N.Y. “You’ll end up getting less information than you would in a normal parent-child conversation, where he tells you something and you respond with a comment.”

Call or email his teacher, explain the situation and ask if she’s noticed anything that might be causing the problem. Maybe your child is being left out because he doesn’t play fair or gloats too much when he wins. “You can’t force other kids to play with him at recess, but you can coach him on his behavior and how to engage a different group of kids,” says Marter. “Urge him to be assertive and say things like, ‘I want to play this game too.’”

Drama: Your 10-year-old is on the outs with her BFF — whose mom just happens to be a good friend of yours.

Solution: Since you’re close with the other mother, it’s OK for both of you to help the girls resolve their differences, according to Marter. First, ask your daughter what caused the rift, keeping in mind that she’s telling only one side of the story. Be supportive – “It hurts when your friend is mad at you, doesn’t it?” – and suggest she try a heart-to-heart to end the fight.

From there, discuss the issue with your friend – without placing blame on anyone: “It’s hard to watch our girls go through this. It’s probably just a misunderstanding. Let’s get them to sit down and work it out.” Says Marter: “Give your child the tools she needs to have an effective conversation with her friend, but don’t have the conversation for her.”

Combating Tween Phone Entitlement

Last updated on March 16th, 2018 at 11:50 am

The spirit of Christmas can easily get lost within a sense of entitlement. And nothing seems to drive a sense entitlement among tweens more than the desire for a smartphone. At least that’s the recent experience in our family. Elliott, our 11-year old has been begging and negotiating for a phone for a couple of years now. Age nine seemed a little young, both to have such an expensive electronic “toy” and also to handle the risks and responsibilities. But as he went off to middle school, the concept of phone ownership began to make more sense. Certainly many of the kids his age now have one (he maintains all but him!), but more importantly, there is now some utility to him having a phone, such as when he misses the bus home from school or needs to contact me at work, when texting would be less disruptive.

However, we felt that a step of this magnitude required him to earn the privilege of phone ownership to some degree. So this past fall I put together a plan for him to earn “grades” for good behavior and for doing things around the house – including a tracking sheet to monitor his progress. With the goal of him getting a phone for Christmas. Unfortunately the whole thing fell apart….Elliott was extremely indignant that he had to step through our hoops to earn a phone – and especially that I was “tracking” his actions. And we got tired of having to hover over him and nag him to do the things on the list (the original idea being that his desire for the phone would finally compel him to do all these things WITHOUT us nagging). I finally gave up on the whole tracker. In hindsight, I think it was too complicated, with too many vague elements of behaviors that were difficult to measure.

As time marched on towards Christmas, my husband and I were increasingly concerned about the phone decision. Not only did we feel that he hadn’t really done anything to “earn” it – but we felt his sense of entitlement (shown through his complaints and comments about other kids’ phones) would persist once he had the phone – possibly making him resist our plans to heavily monitor his use and activity on the phone.

In the end we decided that none of us were yet ready for the big phone adventure. While we knew Elliott would likely see our actions in a very bad light, we decided he would not get a phone for Christmas. We are instead putting in a shorter and simpler requirement: one month without ANY late homework – and we will go phone shopping with him. But we are also going to have a detailed talk during that month about how things will work in the brave new phone-owning world:

• ANY late homework and he loses the phone for a couple of days (other very bad behavior will also have a similar outcome)
• We will always need to know his password – and will regularly check his phone including texts/etc – inappropriate behavior could risk lost phone privileges
• We will be running parental controls and monitoring remotely on his phone
• He will have to pay himself for the running of the phone – which he can do by earning allowance

I’m not sure how well this plan will work either, since we haven’t had much luck to date and our only child does tend to think that the same rules that apply to adults (e.g. our phones are personal and private) should also apply to him. But in the end, we can keep sticking to our guns and refuse to buy the phone at all. He may not like it, but in the end I hope he will learn a valuable lesson.

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