Distracted Driving Kills: Please Watch With Your Teens (Video)

Last updated on May 4th, 2020 at 11:59 am

Alex Brown age 17,

Cady Reynolds age 16,

Margay Schee age 13,

Joe Teater age 13,

Ashley Johnson age 16,

Julie Davis age 58 – her granddaughter was 2.

Kassy Kerfoot age 18.

What do all these people have in common? They are the real names of some of the 5,500 people who die and the 500,000 people injured on our roads each year due to distracted driving. Some of the victims are innocent occupants and pedestrians who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Innocent – small consolation – dead is still dead. Most are under 20- they are our children- they are our future.

Distracted driving is texting while driving; it is talking on cell phones. It is any activity that takes the focus off of the task of safe motor vehicle operation. It only takes a moment of inattention. But enough of me rambling.

Below is a link to a video that is 3 minutes 50 seconds duration. If you watch it-you WILL be moved, you WILL make a difference in someone’s life. You will show a teenager in your family this video- you will watch it together. You will think twice before you respond to a text while driving. You will set an example for your kids to follow. Just 3 minutes and 50 seconds.

Making a difference- changing a life for the better need not take long- it usually just takes action. Please make a difference- pass this along.

For more information on teen and districted driving:

• http://www.nhtsa.gov/Teen-Drivers
• Fatality Facts 2018 – Teenagers: https://www.iihs.org/topics/fatality-statistics/detail/teenagers

How to Keep an Eye on Your Children Online

Last updated on September 2nd, 2019 at 07:51 pm

Being careful…

Observing

Parenting

Investigating

Snooping

Spying

All of those words or phrases have similar meaning, at least in their denotative (dictionary or literal) form.  In their connotative (commonly understood) form, they come out very differently.  As a parent, it is our responsibility to look out for our children, even if they don’t always like it.  And let’s be honest, we didn’t like it much when our parents “spied” on us.

Ask yourself this question: If your child was outside playing, would you look out the window occasionally to check on them?  If you answered yes to that question, then you should also be willing to see what they’re doing online.

I’m not suggesting that you watch them 24/7.  Just as when they’re offline, the amount of oversight will vary from child to child.  It’s not about trusting your child to make the right choices.  At least, it’s not just about that.  According to the FBI, there are 750,000 predators online at any given moment.  This is what concerns me as a parent.

Why is it so important that parents become more involved here?  Because, as parent advocate and internet safety expert Sue Scheff reports, 57% of teens say that they know how to hide their online actions from their parents.  That’s how many admit to it, so I believe the real number is even higher.

So, how can you keep an eye on what your children are doing online?  There are several ways, many of which will be completely unknown to your kids.

1. Friending/Following Them

Many parents probably already do this.  They might think that it’s a great way to see what their kids are up to, but it’s actually one of the least effective ways to know what’s happening to them online.  The biggest reason why this is the case is because many kids are known to have multiple accounts on social media sites.

Smart kids continue to post to the accounts that their parents know about, while putting their private posts on another account.  A zombie phone is one that is no longer on a call/data plan, but can still access the Internet using WiFi, just like any tablet can do.  Really clever kids will use a zombie phone for their private accounts and stay signed into the accounts that their parents know about on their “active” phone.

On some apps, people may join groups to talk about shared interests.  On some apps, you can’t tell if a person is in any group.  On Facebook, they have Public, Closed and Secret groups.  Nobody can tell if a person is a member of a secret group unless they are already in the same group. The only way for a parent to know if their child is the member of such a secret group is to either be a member of the group themselves or to be signed into Facebook as them (which will be explained shortly).

2. Seeing What their Friends Do

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.  Maybe your child is pretty adept at keeping you out of the loop, but maybe their friends aren’t as good at it.  Maybe their Instagram account isn’t set to “private”, which blocks most people from seeing what they post.  In that case, look at their friend’s accounts and see what they post there.  Maybe you’ll see pictures from a party that your child said they hadn’t attended, even though you clearly see them in several pictures!

3. Using Search Engines/Sites

Have you ever entered your own name into a search engine to see what would show?  I recommend it.  You might be amazed at what you’ll see.  Of course, it’s harder to find yourself or your family members if the name is fairly popular.  Still, it’s a start.

In addition to the usual search engines, here are a few specific tools that can help you:

• Advanced Twitter Search – this feature on the popular app is really helpful and easy to use. Here’s the link: https://twitter.com/search-advanced.
• Google Alerts are a way to have Google send you email alerts if content which might include your child gets posted in real time. You can get a lot of false positives, though.
• Google Image Search is a great way to see if images are being posted online. I primarily use this to find catfish (online fakers), but it can also be used to see where images might be posted.

4. Third Party Monitoring Apps

There are many options here to choose from.  The features range from being very permissive to being very restrictive.  Those that are permissive tend to be more of a monitoring app that lets parents know if a child does something questionable online.  At the opposite end of the spectrum, some of the apps lock out certain apps or websites from a device.  Of course, these apps only work if the child doesn’t have a zombie phone. With so many options available, they allow parents to find the monitoring app that matches their parenting style.

5. Signing on as Your Kids

While this is the most time-consuming way to know what kids are doing online, it can be the most effective.  However, this assumes that the child doesn’t have accounts on sites that their parents don’t know about – either single accounts or multiples on the same site.  The same is true for kids who have unknown devices to use.

Those limitations aside, it gives full access to parents who want to see direct messages sent to their kids, what groups they may have joined and more.  When I speak with parents, I always ask them what would happen if they asked their child to hand over their phone without notice.  I’m always amazed at how many parents say that their kids would never allow that.

In most cases, the parents paid for the phone and probably pay for the monthly service.  So while the child uses it, the phone is not their property.  When we gave our daughter her first phone, we made sure that she was aware of this.  Like many teens, she put a PIN on her phone to avoid people using it without permission.  She is required to give us that PIN, as well as any logon credentials for any apps that she uses.

While we almost never use them, I actually did last night.  I found out that she had changed the PIN after one of her friends was able to guess her original choice.  It was a pretty easy code to guess if someone knew her, so she made it a more random number and harder to guess.  We have never had a reason to question her judgment online, but we made it clear to her that as her parents, we reserve the right to access her devices/accounts if we felt the need.  I didn’t check any of her emails or accounts, but if we couldn’t get past the PIN, we would not have even had the option to do so if we felt it necessary.

Takeaway

These methods vary in effectiveness and how invasive they are to the child, but the goal is always the same – to keep them safe and out of trouble.  Sometimes, it’s protection from others and sometimes, we need to protect others from them.  Kids may not like it when their parents “spy” on them, but we’re their parents, not their friends.  Our primary responsibility is to protect them from dangers that they may not even know exist.

One of the most important things to remember is that if you do see something happening online that requires you to intervene, avoid doing it online. 

We worry about what they might do online because it’s part of their Digital Footprint, otherwise known as their history and reputation.  But the truth is, that what parents do online can become part of their Digital Footprint.  We may not have liked it when our parents scolded us in front of our friends, but at least it was done and over with.  Scold a child online and it will have much longer lasting effects.

The Techniques of a Predator: Part II – Bribery and Threats

Last updated on December 27th, 2018 at 12:25 pm

In The Techniques of a Predator: Part I we discussed how online predators groom children for both online and offline sexual attacks using trust and romance to manipulate them.  Now, we will conclude this discussion by talking about how predators can use bribery and threats as well and we will give you additional ways to protect your children. 

Bribery

Here, predators offer gifts to the other person in exchange for getting what they want.  This often takes the form of gift cards that can be redeemed online. For younger victims, gift cards to Google Play or iOS App Store are popular.  For older children, Amazon gift cards are popular, as are those to gaming platforms. They are easily obtained and the redemption codes can be sent via text or by taking a picture of the card’s unique code. They can also be difficult to trace, especially when bought in a store and sent as a picture.

Similar to the stereotypical drug dealer exchange, the first “gift” may be provided for free.  After that, the predator suggests that since they did something for the victim, then the victim should do something in return before they give them another gift.

Threats

Once an intimate image is sent, it is easily used as leverage to get more.  However, another type of threat is becoming more common. In this case, a predator takes their time to groom their target over an extended period of time.  All during this time, there is nothing done or said that could be construed as troubling. Everything seems safe and risk-free.

During this time, the predator is learning about their target through seemingly innocent conversation, asking questions such as:

• “Where do you go to school?”

• “Where do you live?”

• “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Depending on the app being used, their privacy settings, and if they’ve actually friended/connected this person, the predator has complete access to everything they’ve posted.  They can see who their friends and family member are through their Facebook profile, for example. They can see who they follow on Instagram and who follows them. They can see who they’ve tagged in images and who has tagged them.

This all leads up to the predator threatening to physically hurt the people that their victim knows if they do not send pictures or videos to the predator. Scared and not sure whom to trust, minors often send the pictures to protect their family and friends. This only makes the situation worse, leading to more cases of sextortion.

In the case of Ashley Reynolds, she was contacted by a man who said that he had naked photos of her and would send them to her friends if she didn’t send him more pictures. Ashley was confident that nobody had such pictures of her like that, as she’d never sent any pics like that to anyone. She was 14 at the time.

Even if the images were not of her though, Ashley worried that people would not believe her if she denied it. Doubting herself, she yielded to his demands, which led to months of anguish, until her parents found out what was happening. She was sending as many as 60 pictures per day to her attacker. Eventually, her attacker made a mistake that led to his arrest. According to the FBI, he was a 31 year old man from Florida, with over 80,000 images on his computer from 350 girls, across 26 states, Canada and the U.K.  He was sentenced to 105 years in prison for his crimes.

Had Ashley never sent the image to her attacker, she could very well have gotten through the situation, even if he had followed through on his threat to send pictures that were reportedly of her.  By giving in, the opened the door to not being able to deny the pictures were of her.

How You Can Protect Your Family

Talk to your child about how sharing intimate photos online can affect them.

Parents need to discuss the realities of what can happen if such images ever make it to the Internet.  One of those realities is that the images may never go away. They become part of their Digital Footprint – the impressions left behind long after the person does something online.

Wisdom comes with time, something that by their very nature, children lack.

Parents need to have “the talk” with their kids earlier than they expect to about what is acceptable and responsible with regards to online behavior.  This may be more difficult to do than some parents would expect.

In the world where kids feel like they have to send such pictures or feel that it’s no big deal to show off their bodies, a “scared straight” approach might be what it takes to get through to them.

In Shame Nation, the Global Epidemic of Online Hate, the authors interviewed people involving a case coming from an affluent town in Massachusetts. Using Dropbox, an online storage site for file sharing, several high school boys reportedly starting posting intimate images of girls from the school.  Even after the story broke, girls continued to send pictures to boys, knowing that they would likely end up on the site. They considered it an honor, with one mother saying, “It was a bit of a beauty contest… Some are mortified, some are proud.”

Encourage them to consider who could see what they share online.

In business classes that I teach, we discuss the Four P’s of Marketing.   I took that approach and turned it into the Four P’s of Social Media:

1. Parents (or other family members)
2. Principal (or employer)
3. Police
4. Predator

Everyone should consider how they’d feel if any of the Four P’s of Social Media saw what people did online.  Parents need to discuss what is acceptable and unacceptable to do online with their children – probably far earlier than they expect to have to do so.

Understand how important it is that you talk to your child about sex and consent.

Last year, I gave a presentation to all of the principals and guidance counselors in my own district’s schools.  This originated after a district administrator noticed an increase in sexting at the grade school level! Even before that, when our daughter was in third grade, a classmate announced that she posts inappropriate pictures of herself on Instagram.  It turned out to be not true in this case, but that statement was a cry for attention. A cry for help!

As Dr. Mary Anne Franks, the tech policy director at the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative explains, “Parents have to be willing to talk to their children about sex and the importance of sexual consent. Otherwise, they leave children to learn about sex from peers, porn, and predators.” When we choose to teach them about sex ourselves, we can limit the sexual influences of other people and teach them how to deal with pressure from outside sources, like predators.

Whether parents like it or not, sexting is the new norm for this generation.  Forbidding them from doing it won’t stop them. If that were the case, children would always do as their told.  Is that the way it works? In most homes, the answer is no. Some treat sexting as comparable to dating – before their parents will actually let them go out on a date.  Others see it as “getting to first base”.

The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” is no longer acceptable.

Be a role model.

Additionally, parents need to realize that they are role models to their kids 24/7.  When they see adults or older siblings do things, they expect that it’s acceptable behavior and will not realize it may not be good for them. In a new study that just came out from the founders of the Cyberbullying Research Center, boys, not girls, were more likely to be targeted for sextortion.  This surprised them and would probably shock many parents, who tend to think more about protecting girls from online sexual predators.

In conclusion, by speaking to our children clearly and openly about sexuality and online dangers, we give them the knowledge they need to make healthier decisions. And when we begin the dialogue with them, they are more likely to be open with us when they are facing a questionable situation.

Prevention here is not worth an ounce of cure.  It’s worth an immeasurable amount of cure!

The Techniques of a Predator: Part I – Trust and Romance

Last updated on November 2nd, 2018 at 11:10 pm

Potentially, the most dangerous risk associated by minors going online is the risk of being groomed or attacked by a sexual predator.  Online predators are very well-versed at knowing what to say in order to get what they want from their targets. They approach minors on frequently used apps, often pretending to be a minor themselves.  They also find them while using popular online games, including Roblox, Minecraft, World of Warcraft, and others.

“It’s an unfortunate fact of life that pedophiles are everywhere online,” warns FBI Special Agent Greg Wing, who supervises a cyber squad from the Bureau’s Chicago field office.  Special Agent Wesley Tagtmeyer, who also works out of the Chicago office in undercover operations, states that in his experience, about 70 percent of kids will accept “friend” requests regardless of whether they know the requester.

Examples of interactions with online predators:

In one of the best known cases of online predators, Amanda Todd, a 15 year old girl from British Columbia, Canada, was targeted by a man in the Netherlands.  As this video explains, the man who came after her knew exactly what young Amanda wanted to see and hear and he gave it to her. The result was the suicide of a young woman who was taken from us far too soon.

His arrest in this case showed that he was similarly attacking at least 39 victims.  In some cases, predators do more than engage with their targets online. Apps like Whisper or Tinder include geographic features designed to let people find others nearby to attempt meeting them in person.  While some consenting adults might choose to use this for casual sex, predators use them to find nearby victims.

In suburban Philadelphia earlier this year, a man started talking with a 14 year old girl on Whisper.  She mentioned that she was depressed and had been fighting with her mother.  He convinced her to give him her address so that they could watch a movie together because in her words, he seemed “nice”.  Police reports indicate that he arrived within five minutes, took the girl into her bedroom and raped her, leaving immediately after.

The basics:

Many online predators are very patient and will stalk prey the way a lion goes after a gazelle, going after the young and possibly (emotionally) vulnerable.

There are several techniques that predators use to get images or videos from their targets. In many cases, they entice the minor to send the images and parents would be surprised to find out how often the juvenile sends the requested pictures, without realizing the risks involved. In other cases or if enticing doesn’t work, the predator simply demands/threatens the child to get what they want.

In the case of Amanda, her attacker befriended her at the beginning.  In the case of a family I know personally, her attacker took the opposite approach and almost immediately threatened to attack her family if she did not send him naked pictures. Worried for her family’s safety, she complied.

In part one of this two part series, we will focus on how online predators coerce their prey through trust and romance and what we, as parents, can do to make these tactics less effective. In part two we will go on to discuss how when these appeals fail, predators will often shift to bribery or even threats.

Trust

Predators know that it will take time to earn someone’s trust. They create an elaborate online presence, often using multiple accounts.  These accounts often interact with each other to create the appearance of a genuine person who has been online for a long time.

Often, predators find a boy or girl who may not be popular or socially adept and treat them very well.  The predator takes time to develop a trusted bond with their victim. They ask for a very safe picture, such as headshot.  They compliment them and tell them how pretty or handsome they look.

They ask what kinds of music or books they like.  Remarkably, they say that they like the exact same things, creating a bond that the victim sees as finding someone who finally “gets” them.  Eventually, they ask for racier pictures until they finally get what they want. This technique can often lead to threats to get more pictures or videos if they stop sending the images, a routine known as sextortion.

Romance

Similar to the trust process, the parties may actually be involved in an actual relationship, either in person or just online.  Eventually, trust is earned and perhaps it exists both ways, but if/when the relationship ends, the problems can begin in the form of Revenge Porn, the distribution of intimate images from former lovers to embarrass or otherwise cause them harm.

In some cases, the person who wants the other person to send racy pics will start simply by asking for a fairly tame picture, such as picture of a girl wearing a bikini or in her underwear.  While both essentially show the same amount of skin, there is a stigma often associated with the later. Either way, such pics often involve a pose that might be embarrassing if seen by the general public, family members, teachers, etc.

One middle school guidance counselor in my county explained that what she often hears from students who send such pictures is, “If I say no, they may not like me.”

If even racier pictures are requested and denied by the other person, predators might say something like, “You’d send it if you really loved me,” or “I just want something to look at when you’re not with me.”  This approach can be very effective to someone who is in a relationship and doesn’t want this issue to cause a problem &/or end the relationship.

Preventing the Trust or Romance Approaches from Working

Schools focus on the hard skills: reading, writing, etc.  While some teachers may put emphasis on soft skills, it is often left to the parents to encourage these skills.  These skills are now collectively referred to as emotional intelligence. In his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Dr. John Gottman does an excellent job at not only helping parents raise emotionally intelligent children, he specifically discusses how marriage, divorce and death can impact children. Traumatic events such as those often leave children vulnerable to outside influences, including online predators.

The best thing that parents can do to help prevent these approaches from working on their children is to promote your child’s self-esteem.  

This will make the predators less likely to be able to trick them into believing that they are really their friends.

But it doesn’t stop there.  Nobody should ever send intimate pictures to anyone.  Even assuming that the recipient would never use them against the person, devices do get hacked or stolen.  Imagine the trauma when a romantic rival of your child finds the opportunity to “borrow” your child’s phone and sends images from the phone to others?  It’s just not worth the risk – ever!

In part two of this discussion, additional techniques used by predators will be explained.  Also included will be shocking news from a new study on sextortion, conducted by the co-founders of the Cyberbullying Research Center, so keep an eye out for it.

Can I Get Pregnant Right After My Period? Teens Need to Know

Last updated on May 27th, 2018 at 09:08 pm

Yes, although it is not very likely. If you have sex without using contraception, you can conceive (get pregnant) at any time during your menstrual cycle, even during, or just after, your period.

You can also get pregnant if you have never had a period before, during your first period, or after the first time you have sex.

There is no “safe” time of the month, when you can have sex without contraception and not risk becoming pregnant. However, there are times in your menstrual cycle when you are at your most fertile, and this is when you are most likely to conceive.

Understanding your menstrual cycle

Your menstrual cycle begins on the first day of your period and continues up to the first day of your next period. You are most fertile at the time of ovulation, (when an egg is released from your ovaries) which usually occurs 12-14 days before your next period starts. This is the time of the month when you are most likely to get pregnant.

It is unlikely that you will get pregnant just after your period, although it can happen. It is important to remember that sperm can sometimes survive in the body for up to seven days after you have sex. This means that it may be possible to get pregnant soon after your period finishes if you ovulate early, especially if you have a naturally short menstrual cycle.

You should always use contraception when you have sex, if you do not want to become pregnant.

Further information:

• Can I get pregnant if I have sex without penetration?
• Contraception
• Periods 
• Emergency contraception
• Natural family planning 
• Pregnancy and baby guide
• Ready Steady Baby

15 Things Teens Should Know About Sex: Q&A

Last updated on May 27th, 2018 at 09:10 pm

There are so many stories around sex, it’s hard to know what to believe. Find out the facts – it’s the best way to make sure you have safer sex.

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