The Techniques of a Predator: Part I – Trust and Romance
Potentially, the most dangerous risk associated by minors going online is the risk of being groomed or attacked by a sexual predator. Online predators are very well-versed at knowing what to say in order to get what they want from their targets. They approach minors on frequently used apps, often pretending to be a minor themselves. They also find them while using popular online games, including Roblox, Minecraft, World of Warcraft, and others.
“It’s an unfortunate fact of life that pedophiles are everywhere online,” warns FBI Special Agent Greg Wing, who supervises a cyber squad from the Bureau’s Chicago field office. Special Agent Wesley Tagtmeyer, who also works out of the Chicago office in undercover operations, states that in his experience, about 70 percent of kids will accept “friend” requests regardless of whether they know the requester.
Examples of interactions with online predators:
In one of the best known cases of online predators, Amanda Todd, a 15 year old girl from British Columbia, Canada, was targeted by a man in the Netherlands. As this video explains, the man who came after her knew exactly what young Amanda wanted to see and hear and he gave it to her. The result was the suicide of a young woman who was taken from us far too soon.
His arrest in this case showed that he was similarly attacking at least 39 victims. In some cases, predators do more than engage with their targets online. Apps like Whisper or Tinder include geographic features designed to let people find others nearby to attempt meeting them in person. While some consenting adults might choose to use this for casual sex, predators use them to find nearby victims.
In suburban Philadelphia earlier this year, a man started talking with a 14 year old girl on Whisper. She mentioned that she was depressed and had been fighting with her mother. He convinced her to give him her address so that they could watch a movie together because in her words, he seemed “nice”. Police reports indicate that he arrived within five minutes, took the girl into her bedroom and raped her, leaving immediately after.
The basics:
Many online predators are very patient and will stalk prey the way a lion goes after a gazelle, going after the young and possibly (emotionally) vulnerable.
There are several techniques that predators use to get images or videos from their targets. In many cases, they entice the minor to send the images and parents would be surprised to find out how often the juvenile sends the requested pictures, without realizing the risks involved. In other cases or if enticing doesn’t work, the predator simply demands/threatens the child to get what they want.
In the case of Amanda, her attacker befriended her at the beginning. In the case of a family I know personally, her attacker took the opposite approach and almost immediately threatened to attack her family if she did not send him naked pictures. Worried for her family’s safety, she complied.
In part one of this two part series, we will focus on how online predators coerce their prey through trust and romance and what we, as parents, can do to make these tactics less effective. In part two we will go on to discuss how when these appeals fail, predators will often shift to bribery or even threats.
Trust
Predators know that it will take time to earn someone’s trust. They create an elaborate online presence, often using multiple accounts. These accounts often interact with each other to create the appearance of a genuine person who has been online for a long time.
Often, predators find a boy or girl who may not be popular or socially adept and treat them very well. The predator takes time to develop a trusted bond with their victim. They ask for a very safe picture, such as headshot. They compliment them and tell them how pretty or handsome they look.
They ask what kinds of music or books they like. Remarkably, they say that they like the exact same things, creating a bond that the victim sees as finding someone who finally “gets” them. Eventually, they ask for racier pictures until they finally get what they want. This technique can often lead to threats to get more pictures or videos if they stop sending the images, a routine known as sextortion.
Romance
Similar to the trust process, the parties may actually be involved in an actual relationship, either in person or just online. Eventually, trust is earned and perhaps it exists both ways, but if/when the relationship ends, the problems can begin in the form of Revenge Porn, the distribution of intimate images from former lovers to embarrass or otherwise cause them harm.
In some cases, the person who wants the other person to send racy pics will start simply by asking for a fairly tame picture, such as picture of a girl wearing a bikini or in her underwear. While both essentially show the same amount of skin, there is a stigma often associated with the later. Either way, such pics often involve a pose that might be embarrassing if seen by the general public, family members, teachers, etc.
One middle school guidance counselor in my county explained that what she often hears from students who send such pictures is, “If I say no, they may not like me.”
If even racier pictures are requested and denied by the other person, predators might say something like, “You’d send it if you really loved me,” or “I just want something to look at when you’re not with me.” This approach can be very effective to someone who is in a relationship and doesn’t want this issue to cause a problem &/or end the relationship.
Preventing the Trust or Romance Approaches from Working
Schools focus on the hard skills: reading, writing, etc. While some teachers may put emphasis on soft skills, it is often left to the parents to encourage these skills. These skills are now collectively referred to as emotional intelligence. In his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Dr. John Gottman does an excellent job at not only helping parents raise emotionally intelligent children, he specifically discusses how marriage, divorce and death can impact children. Traumatic events such as those often leave children vulnerable to outside influences, including online predators.
The best thing that parents can do to help prevent these approaches from working on their children is to promote your child’s self-esteem.
This will make the predators less likely to be able to trick them into believing that they are really their friends.
But it doesn’t stop there. Nobody should ever send intimate pictures to anyone. Even assuming that the recipient would never use them against the person, devices do get hacked or stolen. Imagine the trauma when a romantic rival of your child finds the opportunity to “borrow” your child’s phone and sends images from the phone to others? It’s just not worth the risk – ever!
In part two of this discussion, additional techniques used by predators will be explained. Also included will be shocking news from a new study on sextortion, conducted by the co-founders of the Cyberbullying Research Center, so keep an eye out for it.
Can I Get Pregnant Right After My Period? Teens Need to Know
Yes, although it is not very likely. If you have sex without using contraception, you can conceive (get pregnant) at any time during your menstrual cycle, even during, or just after, your period.
You can also get pregnant if you have never had a period before, during your first period, or after the first time you have sex.
There is no “safe” time of the month, when you can have sex without contraception and not risk becoming pregnant. However, there are times in your menstrual cycle when you are at your most fertile, and this is when you are most likely to conceive.
Understanding your menstrual cycle
Your menstrual cycle begins on the first day of your period and continues up to the first day of your next period. You are most fertile at the time of ovulation, (when an egg is released from your ovaries) which usually occurs 12-14 days before your next period starts. This is the time of the month when you are most likely to get pregnant.
It is unlikely that you will get pregnant just after your period, although it can happen. It is important to remember that sperm can sometimes survive in the body for up to seven days after you have sex. This means that it may be possible to get pregnant soon after your period finishes if you ovulate early, especially if you have a naturally short menstrual cycle.
You should always use contraception when you have sex, if you do not want to become pregnant.
Further information:
- Can I get pregnant if I have sex without penetration?
- Contraception
- Periods
- Emergency contraception
- Natural family planning
- Pregnancy and baby guide
- Ready Steady Baby
From www.nhs.uk
15 Things Teens Should Know About Sex: Q&A
There are so many stories around sex, it’s hard to know what to believe. Find out the facts – it’s the best way to make sure you have safer sex.
- Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?
- Can you get pregnant if a boy withdraws (pulls out) before he comes?
- Can you get pregnant if you have sex during your period?
- Can you get pregnant if you have sex standing up?
- Can you get pregnant from oral sex?
- Does alcohol make you better in bed?
- Can you use clingfilm as a condom?
- Will a boy’s balls explode if he doesn’t have sex?
- Can you wash condoms and use them again?
- Can you get pregnant if you have sex only once?
- Do you always get symptoms if you have an STI?
- Can women who have sex with women get STIs?
- Do all gay men have anal sex?
- Does starting her periods mean a girl is ready to have sex?
- Can I get help and information on sex if I need it?
1: Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?
Yes, pregnancy is possible even if it is the first time a girl has had sex. The truth is, if a boy and a girl have sex and don’t use contraception, she can get pregnant, whether it’s her first time or she has had sex lots of times.
A boy can get a girl pregnant the first time he has sex with her. If you’re female and have sex, you can get pregnant as soon as you start ovulating (releasing eggs). This happens before you have your first period. Read more about periods and the menstrual cycle.
Using contraception protects against pregnancy. Using condoms as well also protects against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Before you have sex, talk to your partner about contraception, and make sure you’ve got some. Find out about getting contraception and tips on using condoms.
2: Can you get pregnant if a boy withdraws (pulls out) before he comes?
Yes, you can. There’s a myth that a girl can’t get pregnant if a boy withdraws his penis before he ejaculates (comes). The truth is, pulling out the penis won’t stop a girl from getting pregnant.
Before a boy ejaculates, there’s sperm in the pre-ejaculatory fluid (pre-come), which leaks out when he gets excited. It only takes one sperm to get a girl pregnant. Pre-come can contain STIs, so withdrawing the penis won’t prevent you from getting an infection.
If a boy says he’ll take care to withdraw before he ejaculates, don’t believe him. Nobody can stop themselves from leaking sperm before they come. Always use a condom to protect yourself against STIs, and also use other contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
3: Can you get pregnant if you have sex during your period?
Yes, a girl can get pregnant during her period. The truth is, she can get pregnant at any time of the month if she has sex without contraception.
Sperm can survive for several days after sex, so even if you do it during your period, sperm can stay in the body long enough to get you pregnant.
4: Can you get pregnant if you have sex standing up?
Yes, a girl can become pregnant in any position that she has sex. It is a myth that a girl can’t get pregnant if she has sex standing up, sitting down, or if she jumps up and down afterwards. The truth is, there’s no such thing as a “safe” position if you’re having sex without a condom or another form of contraception.
There are also no “safe” places to have sex, including the bath or shower. Pregnancy can happen whatever position you do it in, and wherever you do it. All that’s needed is for a sperm to meet an egg.
5: Can you get pregnant from oral sex?
No, you can’t get pregnant following oral sex. The truth is, a girl can’t get pregnant this way, even if she swallows sperm. But you can catch STIs through oral sex, including gonorrhoea, chlamydia and herpes. It’s safer to use a condom on a penis if you have oral sex.
6: Does alcohol make you better in bed?
No, alcohol does not make you better in bed. The truth is, when you’re drunk it’s hard to make smart decisions. Alcohol can make you take risks, such as having sex before you’re ready, or having sex with someone you don’t like. Drinking won’t make the experience better. You’re more likely to regret having sex if you do it when you’re drunk. Find out more about sex and alcohol.
7: Can you use clingfilm as a condom?
No, you cannot use clingfilm, or a plastic bag or a crisp packet instead of a condom. Only a condom can protect against STIs.
You can get condoms free from:
- community contraceptive clinics
- sexual health and genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics
- some young persons services
You can also buy them from pharmacies and shops. Make sure they have the CE mark or BSI kite mark on them, as this means they’ve been tested to high safety standards. Find (UK) sexual health services near you**, including contraception clinics.
8: Will a boy’s balls explode if he doesn’t have sex?
No, this is not true. Not having sex doesn’t harm boys or girls, and a boy’s balls will not explode.
Boys and men produce sperm all the time. If they don’t ejaculate, the sperm is absorbed into their body. Ejaculation can happen if they masturbate or have a wet dream. They don’t have to have sex. Find out about boys’ bodies.
9: Can you wash condoms and use them again?
No, condoms should only be used once. Don’t believe anyone who says that you can wash condoms and use them again. If you’ve used a condom, throw it away and use a new one if you have sex again.
This is true for male condoms and female condoms. Condoms need to be changed after 30 minutes of sex because friction can weaken the condom, making it more likely to break or fail. Get tips on using condoms.
10: Can you get pregnant if you have sex only once?
Yes, it is possible to get pregnant even if you only have sex once. You may have heard the myth that you have to have sex lots of times to get pregnant. The truth is, all it takes is for one sperm to meet an egg. To avoid pregnancy, always use contraception, and use a condom to protect against STIs.
11: Do you always get symptoms if you have an STI?
No, you might not know if you have an STI due to signs such as it hurting when you pee, or noticing a discharge, unusual smell or soreness.
Many people don’t notice signs of infection, so you won’t always know if you’re infected. You can’t tell by looking at someone whether they’ve got an STI. If you’re worried that you’ve caught an STI, visit your GP (*physician) or local sexual health clinic. Check-ups and tests for STIs are free and confidential, including for under-16s. Find sexual health services near you**.
12: Can women who have sex with women get STIs?
Yes, women who sleep with women can get or pass on STIs. If a woman has an STI, the infection can be passed on through vaginal fluid (including fluid on shared sex toys), blood or close bodily contact.
Always use a new condom on shared sex toys. If a woman is also having sex with a man, using contraception and condoms will help to prevent STIs and unintended pregnancy.
13: Do all gay men have anal sex?
No, this isn’t true. Anal sex, like any sexual activity, is a matter of preference. Some people choose to do it as part of their sex life and some don’t, whether they’re gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual.
According to the Third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (published in 2013), 18.5% of men and 17% of women in the 16-24 age group had had anal sex in the previous year. Whatever kind of sex you have, use a condom to protect yourself and your partner against STIs. However, having sex isn’t the only way to show your feelings for someone.
14: Does starting her periods mean a girl is ready to have sex?
No, this isn’t true. Starting your periods means that you’re growing up, and that you could get pregnant if you were to have sex. It doesn’t mean that you’re ready to have sex, or that you should be sexually active.
People feel ready to have sex at different times. It’s a personal decision. Most young people in England wait until they’re 16 or older before they start having sex. Find out more about periods and the menstrual cycle.
15: Can I get help and information on sex if I need it?
If you want to talk to someone in confidence, you can call the national sexual health helpline on 0300 123 7123*.
Find U.K. sexual health services near you**.
To find your nearest young people’s service, visit the Ask Brook website.
Find out where to get help when sex goes wrong.
Condom, no condom? is an interactive video on YouTube where you decide what happens. Just choose which button to click at the end of each section to continue the story, and see the consequences of your choices.
Editor’s Note:
* Clarification Provided for our U.S. Readers
** Resources Outside the UK:
From www.nhs.uk
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Video: Teens and Tattoos: How to Make Sure Your Teen is Safe
Niall McManus, tattoo artist, discusses things to consider before getting a tattoo and how to do so safely.
Editor’s Note: Video Highlights
Things to know before getting a tattoo:
Do your research
- Check out your artist’s website to see their style.
- Make sure it’s what you want.
- Go to the shop
- Make sure you’re comfortable the person tattooing you
- Make sure it’s a reputable shop
- Every shop and every artist must have a license.
- They must be displayed on site
Make certain your artist is taking the required safety precautions.
- Wearing gloves during the whole process.
- Unwrapping his equipment from the sterilization packages in front of you.
- Not all artists will do this automatically, but feel free to ask your artist to do so.
Your artist will wrap the finished tattoo in plastic wrap after cleaning it.
- This should be kept on for two hours.
Tattoos take two (2) weeks to heal.
- Wash it with warm running water regularly.
- Do not soak it in water.
- It is a wound. It will scab. This is normal. Let the scab fall off on its own.
- Don’t scratch it.
- If it itches, pat it, don’t scratch it.
- If you accidentally scratch it, sometimes it can require a touch up.
- Keep it moisturized
- If you have any questions about the healing process ask your artist.
Editor’s note: Tattoos are becoming further accepted in society. As they become more popular, more teenagers are getting them. It is important for them (and you) to know how to do it safely if you decide it is something to pursue.
** Resources outside the U.K.:
- For more information check out the American Academy of Pediatric’s recommendations.
From www.nhs.uk
Is Your Teenager In An Abusive Relationship? You CAN Help!
Violence can happen in teenage relationships, so make sure you know the signs and can help your child.
Abuse in relationships – including those between teenagers – can happen to men and boys, but it’s much more likely to happen to women and girls. It also happens in same-sex relationships.
Different types of abuse
Physical abuse can include hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, pushing, and pressuring or forcing someone into sexual activity.
Emotional and verbal abuse involves a person:
- saying things that make their partner feel small or stupid
- pressuring their partner to do things they don’t want to do, including sexual things
- checking up on their partner – for instance, by text – all the time to find out where they are and who they’re with
- threatening to hurt their partner or someone close to their partner, including pets
Warning signs your teen is being abused
Signs of abuse can include your child:
- no longer hanging out with their circle of friends
- not doing as well at school, or skipping school altogether
- constantly checking their phone
- being withdrawn and quieter than usual
- being angry and becoming irritable when asked how they’re doing
- making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend
- having unexplained scratches or bruises
- showing changes in mood or personality
- using drugs or alcohol
Warning signs your teen’s partner is abusive
It’s a sign of controlling or violent behaviour if your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend:
- gets extremely jealous
- monitors texts, messages, calls and emails, and gets angry if there isn’t an instant response
- has trouble controlling his or her emotions, particularly anger
- stops your child seeing or talking with friends and family as much as they’d like
- uses force during an argument
- blames others for his or her problems or feelings
- is verbally abusive
- shows threatening behaviour towards others
How to help
- Talk to your child about what’s OK and what’s not in a relationship. Some teenagers believe violence is “just the way things are”, or is “just messing around”.
- Make sure they understand that violent or controlling behaviour is not OK, and that nobody should put up with it.
- Some girls believe that if their boyfriend gets jealous or checks up on them, it means he loves them.
- Let your teenage girl know that this kind of behaviour is not about love or romance, it’s about control and her boyfriend making her behave in the way he wants.
- Some boys might believe that controlling their girlfriend’s behaviour makes them more of a man.
- Make sure your teenage boy knows that using violence does not make someone a man.
Talking tips
Before you start the conversation with your teenager, think through what your concerns are.
Consider talking about it confidentially with someone like your GP (*doctor) or a friend. This will help you understand your own feelings so you won’t be too emotional when you talk to your child.
Try not to talk to your teenager in a confrontational way. Say you’re worried about them and ask if everything’s OK.
Even if they don’t talk to you at this point, they might go away and think about things, and talk to you later.
Show your support
Tell your child they can always come to you, no matter what.
Victims of abuse can feel ashamed and believe (wrongly) that the abuse is their fault. Make it clear that being abused is never your child’s fault, and you will help them if they come to you.
You can also tell them about helplines, such as ChildLine (0800 11 11)** or the NSPCC (0808 800 5000)** in the UK, which they can call if they don’t feel they can talk to you.
Editor’s Note: *clarification provided for our US readers.
** Resources in the United States
- YourLifeYourVoice.org (800-448-3000)
- ChildHelp.org (1-800-4-A-Child)
From www.nhs.uk
Condoms: Knowing these Facts Could Keep Your Teen Safe
There are a lot of myths about condoms, so make sure that you are aware of the facts before you have sex.
MYTH: It’s safer if you use two condoms.
TRUTH: No it isn’t. Using two condoms at once is a really bad idea, whether it’s two male condoms or a male and female condom. It increases the chances of them ripping. Only use one at a time.
MYTH: Condoms break easily.
TRUTH: No they don’t. To avoid a condom breaking, you need to put it on carefully, ensuring there’s no airbubble at the end. Be careful of sharp nails, jewelry or teeth. If the condom won’t roll down, it’s the wrong way round. Throw this condom away and start again with a new one as there could be semen on the tip of the previous condom.
If a condom breaks and you’re not using any other contraception, go to a clinic, pharmacist or doctor as soon as possible and ask about emergency contraception. You’ll also need to get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
MYTH: Condoms are the only type of contraception I need to think about.
TRUTH: No they’re not. Condoms can provide protection from STIs and unintended pregnancy. But to ensure the best protection, it is recommended that you and your partner use a condom and another form of contraception. There are many different types of contraception that can be used, including the implant, injection, coil or the pill. It’s worth exploring all options.
MYTH: You need extra lube. Vaseline is good.
TRUTH: No it’s not. A bit of extra lubrication is good but don’t use anything with oil in it as it can dissolve the condom – that includes baby oil, Vaseline and hand cream. Lipstick has oil in it too. Use a water-based lubricant, such as KY jelly or Durex Play from a pharmacy.
MYTH: Condoms make him less sensitive.
TRUTH: Using a condom doesn’t have to spoil the moment. They can make some men last longer before they come, which is good news for both of you. There are many different sizes, shapes, colours, textures and flavours of condoms, so enjoy finding the one that suits you both best.
MYTH: Condoms cut off his circulation.
TRUTH: No they don’t. A condom can stretch to 18 inches round. He’ll be fine. There are many different shapes and sizes available to try.
MYTH: I’m on the pill, so we don’t need condoms.
TRUTH: Yes you do. The pill does not protect you or your partner from STIs. Also, if you’ve forgotten to take a pill, been sick or you’ve been using antibiotics, the effectiveness of the pill is reduced and you could still get pregnant.
MYTH: If I ask to use a condom, my partner will think less of me.
TRUTH: Insisting that you use a condom suggests that you know how to take care of yourself and shows that you know what you want, which can be very sexy.
MYTH: You don’t need a condom if you’re having oral sex.
TRUTH: Yes you do. You should use a condom for oral sex because gonorrhoea, chlamydia and herpes can be passed to each other this way.
MYTH: You have to be 18 to buy condoms.
TRUTH: No you don’t, you can buy condoms at any age. You can also get them free at any age, as well as confidential advice, from community contraception clinics (formerly family planning clinics), Brook centres, sexual health (GUM) clinics, Further Education colleges and young people’s clinics.
MYTH: I don’t need a condom – I only sleep with nice people.
TRUTH: STIs don’t know or care if you’re nice or not. The way someone looks is no indicator of whether they have an STI. Many STIs don’t show any symptoms, so you could infect each other without even knowing it.
MYTH: If it’s a condom, it’s safe.
TRUTH: Not necessarily – novelty condoms aren’t safe. Always choose condoms that carry the European CE or Kite mark, which is a recognised safety standard. Also check the date on the packet as condoms don’t last forever.
