Your Child is Hitting!! …3 Steps You Can Take to Stop This

Our children hit to express themselves and get their needs met. If they had another way to manage their feelings and relationships, they would do so. Most children and adults do the best they can, in the moment, with the skills they have. The reasons for hitting vary for each child, you may wish to consider whether the child is experiencing anger, upset, frustration, boredom, disappointment, loneliness or other related emotions.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Here is a video along with three steps you can take to help modify this destructive behavior:

1. 1. 1. Manage the moment. In the moment of the intensity we focus not on speaking but on calming. The emotional brain responds to limbic strategies not lots of words and instruction.

         First ~ You are your children’s best teacher. How you manage their hitting impacts their developing skills. So quietly step close to them and express confusion over what is happening. “Boys, I am confused about the fighting.” This engages the “Thinker” the frontal lobes in their brains. Then provide a solution. “It’s a good time for us to go play outside.” When you use Bloom, eventually, you will have an entire list of strategies, words and actions to use when the moment is intense, for now, the very first time, it is helpful to change their setting. Next time, you will better manage their space as they play.

         Second ~ Then, when the children are calm and safe, we circle back to prepare and prevent future mishaps by developing strategies including “Calming Cues” and “Anger Toolkits” so that the children are empowered to choose another behavior next time.

      2. Create a culture of kindness.When the children are calm, circle back to teach them that we live in a family where we respect one another with our words and our bodies. We are kind to one another. The first three chapters of The Family Coach Method can REALLY help you here.

1. 1. Focus on feeding the children whole real organic food.There is ample research that what we eat impacts how we feel and behave. If we are not feeding our bodies quality proteins, fats and complex carbohydrates, the body and brain cannot do their best. We love 100dayofrealfood, you might as well.

Few children hit when they are happy. Hitting is a way of saying, “This really is not working for me right now.” “My feelings are TOO BIG.” “I do not have the skills to work this out in a more cooperative way.” A child who is hitting is asking you to help them!

The magic is in using the mantras to help you calm the children now and then Managing The Moment to help everyone find a new way to manage their feelings when an impulse to be aggressive appears again.

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Written for real parents with anxious, angry and over-the-top kids, Bloom is a brain-based approach to parenting all children. Taking its lead from neuroscience and best practices in early childhood mental health, it offers parents, teachers and care providers the words, thoughts and actions to raise calm, confident children, while reducing the need for consequences and punishment. The first book of its kind, it provides pages full of printable mantras you can carry with you, hang on your fridge or use in your classroom to raise emotionally competent kids. Stop second-guessing the way you handle misbehaviors, and learn why they occur in the first place. Bloom is available at amazon.com

A Simple Mommy Secret: 4 Steps to Stop Your Little Biter

Do you have a biter on your hands? Biting is among the most bothersome and embarrassing kid behaviors. I remember the horror the first time I saw one child in our playgroup bite – I quickly learned that biting is usually temporary, and much more common than I had thought. The other moms and I read up on biting behavior, and shared what we’d learned with one another. We learned that infants and toddlers often bite to relieve teething or gum soreness, or think it’s just a game. Preschoolers typically bite because they haven’t yet developed the coping skills to deal with stress appropriately or the verbal skills to express their needs. Whatever the reason, we knew that this behavior is clearly upsetting to all involved. And has been known to continue as kids get older if not dealt with. Our job was to nip this behavior before it becomes a habit.

Here are a few steps you can take to help you handle this annoying (but common) behavior:

Step 1. Confront the Biter A.S.A.P.
Step in the very minute your child bites and call it what it is: “That’s biting!” Then in a very stern voice say: “You may not bite people!” Firmly express your disapproval, and quickly remove your child from the situation. Remember Mom: No matter what you hear from other parents, do not bite your kid back! It is not helpful, and in fact, you’re only sending him the messages that kids can’t bite, but adults can.

If your kid has developed a history of biting, you’ll need to take emergency action. Arrange a private meeting amongst your child and other caregivers (such as his teacher, coach, daycare worker, babysitter) with whom he’s displaying the behavior. Create a consequence everyone understands: this could be the loss of a privilege, time out, or going home. You’ll want to all be on the same page and consistently enforced whatever consequence you all agreed upon. All the moms in our playground, for instance, decided to get on the same page together. Because we all responded the same way (yes, there was one mom who was a bit too laid-back, but we knew we couldn’t change her behavior), we were more successful in stopping our four-year-old Vampire Wannabees.

Step 2. Comfort the Victim and Boost Empathy
Kids always need to know that biting hurts! So in the presence of your kid focus your concern on the victim. “I’m so sorry! That must hurt. What can I do to help?” Doing so shows your child not only that his action caused pain but also how to convey sympathy. If possible, find a way to help your child to make amends. He might offer the victim a Kleenex or band-aid, draw a picture to apologize, say he’s sorry, or give the other child a toy. Do also apologize to the child’s parents on the spot or with a phone call. (Word to the wise: I learned the hard way that it is far better that I make the call then having the parent hear the story from someone else).

Step 3. Teach a New Behavior to Replace the Biting
If your toddler is teething, she’s probably biting because of sore gums. In that case, offer something appropriate to bite on: such as a frozen juice bar, a hard plastic teething ring, or toy to relieve the discomfort.

Kids often bite because they haven’t developed the verbal skills to communicate their needs or frustrations. Identify what skill your child lacks, and then teach a more appropriate way to respond that will replace the urge to bite. Practice the new skill together, until he can successfully use it on his own. One youngster bit because he didn’t know how to say he wanted a turn. Once his dad recognized the problem, he taught his son to say: “It’s your turn, then it’s my turn.” The biting quickly stopped. If your child has trouble verbalizing feelings or needs, teach him to say: “I’m getting mad.” Or: “I want to play.” Remember to let him know how proud you are when he uses good control.

Step 4. Anticipate Biting Behavior as the Best Prevention
If your child has developed a pattern of biting, then supervise those play times closely. You can then immediately step in and stop your biter before it happens. Put your hand gently over his mouth firmly saying: “You may not bite. Use your words to tell what you need.” Then show how: “I want a turn.” Sometimes you can distract your child from the situation: “Would you like to play with the clay or blocks?” You may have step in a few times before the biting is stopped, so watch closely then intervene pronto.

The most important part of this Mommy Secret to learn is that kids usually bite because they lack the ability to handle their frustrations. It’s up to us to help find better ways to get their point across.

Photo credit: Sabine 75; CC license

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

What to Tell Your College Kid About Smoking, Alcohol & Drugs

From www.nhs.uk

Have a Slacker Kid? Try These Procrastination Cures

Parenting tips I shared on TODAY for kids who procrastinate, dawdle, cut corners or just take the easy way. It’s the makeover no parent should put off!

Sound like your kid?

“I don’t care! I quit – this is too hard.” “Why don’t YOU do it?”

Is his backpack a disaster, homework always a battle and everything seems to be put off until the last nano-second (“I’ll do it… just give me a minute!”)?

Do you feel like your kid’s personal organizer (“TODAY is the spelling test!”) and Big Ben (“the bus is coming in minute!”)

Does her teacher tell you: “I just know she could do better if she’d just apply herself”?

If so chances are you have a little slacker in your home, and can they be frustrating. They dawdle, put things off until the last minute, are unorganized, have poor time management skills and cut corners.

THREE BIG DISADVANTAGES OF SLACKING

Though slackers usually have fewer ulcers and are a bit more laid back, there are clear disadvantages for kids who adopt “taking the easy way is the best way” as a life attitude.

~ Relationship and reputation downer: Siblings, friends, teammates and parents get tired of always having to be this kid’s reminder.

~ Achievement derailer: Test scores and grades are usually lower because he waits to study or turn tasks in without the effort needed.

~ Success curtailer: Because he doesn’t practice or work as long as needed to experience success he’s shortchanged.

The good news is that there are ways to help kids get more organized and motivated so they are more likely to succeed in school and in life. Here are steps for a successful “Slacker Makeover.” Your first step is to make sure your expectations are in line.

4 PARENTING QUESTIONS TO CURB SLACKING

Sure, some kids just want to cut corners, but there may be other reasons for the behavior. Here are common causes of kid slacking that shouldn’t be overlooked.

1. Are expectations for your child appropriate? Could he be slacking because that violin class is over his head? Or that math class is way too easy? Meet with adult in charge to ensure expectations are realistic; alter classes and your expectations to align with your child’s actual capabilities. Expectations that boost motivation should stretch but not snap a child’s abilities. Too high of expectations cause anxiety; too low cause boredom.

2. Does your child have trouble focusing or have a problem learning that is causing him undue frustration? Discuss achievement scores and class performance with his teacher; ask for evaluation or arrange extra tutoring if needed.

3. Could your child be mimicking another family member or your slacking ways? Tune up your behavior so you model the joy of work and ensure your child has examples of those who give “their all” instead of cutting corners.

4. Is there too much going on so your child doesn’t have time or stamina to work hard? Reduce stress that you can; make time in your child’s schedule so he can focus and work harder.

SOLUTIONS TO THE TOP 5 KID SLACKER EXCUSES

Dawdling and cutting corners is usually not a phase that goes away, but becomes an even more entrenched, harder to fix habit. Here are the top slacker excuses. Identify those that apply to your child and the slacker-curbing strategy. Every strategy takes consistency and commitment, so don’t procrastinate or give up!

Slacker Excuse 1: “I can’t find my homework!”

Slacker kids are often disorganized, so they take up more time trying to locate everything that could be used studying. Homework assignments are commonly misplaced or not turned in. Solutions:

Use concrete organizers to remedy! Put a hook or box by the front door with two heavy-duty folders on the wall. Label one “To do” and the other “Done.” Teach the child to open the backpack the second she comes home, take out her homework assignments and put into “To do” folder, then hang backpack on the hook or in box.

Put away ASAP! When homework is done it goes into the backpack “Done” folder (for you to check-slackers often don’t do their “best” work – so check effort). The child then grabs “done work” and puts it into his backpack.

The practice must become a routine (practice, practice, practice) until you no longer need to be your child’s reminder.

Slacker Excuse 2: “I forgot!” “You didn’t tell me.”

Poor organizational skills are common with procrastinators who haven’t formed a habit of writing things down. so they take extra time to find out what they were supposed to do, forget sports gear, or rely on others to remind them. Solutions:

Hang a white board with days of week in a central location. Teach your child to write or draw reoccurring assignments on appropriate day (Mon: soccer; Tues: spelling test; adding new tasks (field trip on Thurs) as needed. Refer child to organizer daily “What do you need to do?” until your child gets in the habit.

Use a date book or organizer. Older kids can transfer tasks into small date book with a page for each school day and store in the backpack and use alarm feature on cell phone or computer as chime reminder

Slacker Excuse 3: “I don’t know what to do first!”

Procrastinators often put off because they are overwhelmed with a project or “so many” assignments they don’t know how to get started. Teaching them how to prioritize tasks can get them started and stop postponing. Try these solutions:

Prioritize tasks: Help your child to break down a big project, report or nightly assignment into smaller tasks. Ask “What are things you need to do?” Then the child write or draw each task on Post-it notes, and then stacks them in order from the first to last thing to do As each task is completed, child rips up each Post-it until all completed. She can later learn to make checklists and cross off, but the long list can seem daunting to a procrastinator.

Set work rules! Kids who always put things off need clear work standards because they lack internal self-motivation. So establish “first things first” house rules and then reinforce consistently.“Work first, then play.” “Homework then TV.”

Slacker Excuse 4: “It’s too hard!”

Some kids are overwhelmed with tasks because it seems if never will never be able to complete them. Slackers often have difficulty sticking to a task and so they just give up or put it off. Solutions:

“Chunk” the task into more manageable pieces. Divide your child’s homework into smaller pieces and tell him to do “one chunk at a time.” Increase the size of each chunk after your child has completed a few assignments successfully. Gradually the child will learn to chunk any task into smaller more manageable parts.

“Do the hardest thing first.” The child will have more energy because it’s the first task, and once it’s done he can start on easier tasks.

Beware of rewards. Procrastinators start relying on those rewards so wean your kid from them. Instead, start reinforcing your kid’s productivity, initiative, and effort. Using the right praise that stretches effort and hard work actually stretches persistence.

Don’t rescue! Slackers often expect rescue, and so they don’t give their all knowing that someone (aka “you”) will bail them out. If you really want your child to learn how to be a self-starter and not slack off, then stop being her personal assistant. Change your role from “doer” to “guider” and start weaning “ I’ll to watch you do the first row, you do the second solo.”

Slacker Excuse 5: “I worked long enough!”

Slackers often cut corners or don’t hang into a task long enough often due to poor internal sense of time. So they think they worked longer than they did. Solutions:

Use timing devices. Agree on set work time and post to minimize excuses: “Read 30 minutes each night.” Then provide a timing device to help child become own timekeeper: sand-timer, oven timer; Older child: a stopwatch, cell phone alarm. You’ll nag less and the timer will remind the child how much he needs to work.

Play “beat the clock.” If you need your dawdler to do something in a hurry, turn your directions into a time game. Challenge your child: “Let’s see how quickly you can finish that paper. Set the clock and Go!” Slowly reverse the role: “Did you challenge yourself to see how many problems you can finish in 30 minutes?”

Changing a slacker’s ways will take commitment so stick with it. Your goal is to gradually wean him from his old ways of putting things off and cutting corners.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com.

Surgeon General: Scary Information on Kids and Smoking

Last month marked the 50th anniversary of the first Surgeon General’s report on the health effects of smoking. In 1964, this report was the first to definitively link smoking to lung cancer. Back then – if you’re old enough to remember, or you watch Mad Men – people smoked everywhere…in offices, restaurants, hospitals and airplanes. No one spoke about smoking as a cause of cancer, heart disease or emphysema. No one had heard of COPD or secondhand smoke.

Fifty years later we know much more. And with last month’s release of the 32nd Surgeon General’s report on the issue, we have learned that smoking causes even more diseases than previously thought, including 13 cancers, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, macular degeneration, erectile dysfunction, ectopic pregnancies, and impaired immune function. The effects of exposure to cigarette smoke on children and fetuses are also dire, including cleft palates and possibly other birth defects, impacts on brain development, respiratory illnesses and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Earlier Surgeon General Reports have emphasized that smoking affects nearly every organ and system in the body, which is confirmed by this new information.

My family provides a classic case study on the devastating effects of smoking. I was a baby in the 1960s and – although I have never smoked – I grew up with parents and relatives who smoked frequently and heavily, and I know they wish they had known the effects of smoking much earlier. My parents have expressed their regret for the health effects I have experienced that could very likely have been due to exposure to cigarette smoke. At less than one year of age I was in the hospital in an oxygen tent in the hospital with pneumonia, and had frequent bouts of bronchitis throughout childhood – continuing with more than the usual number of colds and infections as an adult. I also have allergies, which could have come partly from smoking’s effects on the immune system. And I have experienced an ectopic pregnancy. My father has had serious heart disease, resulting in triple-bypass surgery and now has diabetes. My mother has already lost 2 siblings to lung cancer (both current or former smokers), including one of my favorite aunts just last year.

While smoking rates have dropped significantly over the past 50 years, from 45% to 18%, we still have 42 million smokers in the US, including 3 million children – most of whom will die prematurely due to cigarettes. The release of this new report is a good opportunity to look at the issue of smoking in society and identify what we can all do to eradicate this country’s number one preventable cause of disease and death.

First we must look to our kids.

According to the National Cancer Institute, 90% of smokers try their first cigarette before age 18 and virtually all by age 26. Almost no one starts smoking after age 25. Unfortunately, about one-quarter of our high school students have smoked in the past month – a higher smoking rate than among adults. And according to a 2012 Surgeon General’s Report, in recent years the long-term decline in use of tobacco by our youth has slowed or even stalled completely in some cases. This matters because youth are not small adults: the younger they start smoking the more susceptible they are to the addiction of nicotine. Plus teens are still developing their lungs and those who smoke may end up as adults with lungs that will never grow to full size. Additionally, early cardiovascular damage is seen in most young smokers. Here are some actions parents can take to help their kids avoid smoking.

• Whether or not you smoke, be an anti-smoking role model. If you smoke, try to quit, as kids are more likely to smoke if their parents do. But check out this Tobacco-free Kids fact sheet for other things you can do to set a good example whether or not you smoke
• Ensure your child has access to good, engaging anti-tobacco education. Many schools and community health centers already provide proven programs. In Indianapolis we have a wonderful facility, the Ruth Lilly Health Education Center, which provides evidence-based smoking and other health education programs using engaging technology such as audience response, “smell-a-vision” and TAM, a “transparent anatomical manikin”, which demonstrates health impacts on the body.
• Appeal to their priorities. Kids won’t really care that smoking increases risk for long-term chronic diseases, but boys might care that it contributes to erectile dysfunction (some doctors use this argument with young men) and girls might care that people who smoke are not thinner than non-smokers. They may also be persuaded against smoking if they understand how much faster it ages your face. Check out this New York Times article about a very interesting study assessing the difference in facial aging of adult twins with different smoking habits.
• Know your child’s friends. Peer pressure is a big reason for starting smoking.
• Try to limit your child’s exposure to smoking in movies and other media. There is strong data from studies that smoking in movies makes kids more likely to smoke. Those with the highest exposure to smoking images are twice as likely to smoke as those who have the least exposure. Yet, according to the Surgeon General, “in 2010 nearly a third of top-grossing movies produced for children—those with ratings of G, PG, or PG-13— contained images of smoking”. Even Disney has smoking in kids’ movies! To learn more about smoking in movies and what you can do check out the advocacy website, Smoke Free Movies.

Support Community-wide Anti-Smoking Policies

Smoking bans and other anti-tobacco policies have proven extraordinarily successful at reducing the access to tobacco and rates of use across all ages. Here are some of the proven strategies, supported by the Surgeon General, US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the World Health Organization.

• Anti-tobacco mass media campaigns.
• Higher tobacco prices, including tax increases. Higher prices are particularly effective with young smokers who are more sensitive to the cost of cigarettes.
• Restrictions on youth advertising and access to tobacco.
• Smoke-free policies for public spaces and workplaces.

All people concerned about the impact of smoking on our youth and society can help advocate for better anti-smoking laws and policies by supporting organizations that work to establish these regulations through donation or volunteering – and by making your concerns known to elected representatives, policymakers, and local community leaders. We can also applaud the actions of businesses like CVS, who announced this week that they will stop selling tobacco products, as this is inconsistent with their strategy to be seen as a broad healthcare company – and send a message to others who have not yet made this move.

Is Your Kid a Twitter Addict?

Social media certainly has its place in a teen’s life. But as a parent, one of our most important roles these days is not to let our teens become “twidiots” or twitter addicts.

With its infamous 140-charater limit, Twitter hosts stars with millions of followers (hello, Charlie Sheen, Oprah, Kim Kardashian). When teen idol Miley Cyrus decided to fire up her Twitter account again a couple of months ago, it became semi-big news.

Twitter and Facebook dominate the news far too much, if you ask me. The media’s love affair with social media knows no bounds — and it’s out of control.

The problem is there are real dangers that your Twitter-obsessed teen – or anyone who uses the microblogging service – must keep in mind. Here are the two big ones:

Phishing Scams: First of all, Twitter users are repeatedly the target of phishing scams. Scammers send direct messages or tweets that include a generic message (such as “You’re on this video” or “I think I see you here”) to get people to click on a link. The link takes you to a fake Twitter page that asks you to log in with your username and password, which the scammer then uses to hijack your account.

Malware: Second, fake Twitter profiles have been used to spread malicious software (known as malware). Many times, scammers use fake celebrity profiles or fake news about celebrities to lure you in. These profiles and tweets look legit. But they are created to infect your computer with malware that lets the scammer use your computer to send spam, install spyware, steal your identity or launch attacks on other computers.

I’m not suggesting that your teen should never tweet. I’m just advocating social-media life balance. Tell your teen why it’s a good idea to take his eyes off the screen and take a break from Twitter. Then, set some clear Twitter rules for your kids:

• Post no more than one or two tweets per day. Unless your kids have a very compelling reason for sending more (they won’t), this shouldn’t be an issue.
• Don’t auto-follow everyone. Are more than a couple of hundred followers really necessary? Do you really want a bunch of strangers constantly knowing what your kid is doing and thinking?
• Beware of phishing and malware. Educate your kid about the phishing scams and malware risks out there. Knowing what to look for will help them avoid trouble.
• Know that mom/dad is watching. Let your kids know you’ll be following them too.

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