Sex, Alcohol and Your Tweens
Last updated on March 9th, 2018 at 10:29 am
With texting, video chat and hormones raging are we moms nervous, you bet! We have some great mom generated tips to help you and your kids navigate middle school.
1. Get informed. There are a lot of rumors flying around about sexting, rainbow parties, drug use and more. Some of these are in fact true and supported by feedback from local police agencies. But we need not panic. Become a parent a parent who knows the facts by joining the PTO at your school, attending MASK meetings and reading relevant books and articles on the teen years.
2. Learn to talk effectively with your tweens. Annie Fox at anniefox.com and Dr. Oguntala at TheTeenDoc.com offer timely and meaningful tips on communicating with your tweens. Consider reading The Parent as Coach by Diana Sterling, Are you Wearing That by Deborah Tannen and Get Out of My Life but First Will You Take Me and Cheryl To The Mall Anthony E. Wolf Ph.D. Learn to appreciate the ebbs and flows in your relationship, they will come close then be distanced. This is part of the tween-parent relationship.
3. Participate in school offerings such as the parent education seminars provided during the year. Learn what activities your school has to offer so that your kids are busy developing skills through activities at school such as sports, photography, art, music and dance. Research shows that kids who are involved in activities have less down time, less screen time and develop friendships with more productive schoolmates.
4. Take your tween seriously. Your tween is closer now to being an adult than a child. Your role is moving more toward mentor and coach. Respect your tween’s personal privacy. I don’t mean fail to check their room if you suspect drug use. But I do mean stop talking about them, sharing their experiences with your friends and talking about them like they are a youngster. Having them overhear you on the phone talking about their stuff is the fastest way to make them feel outed. They’ll clam up like no tomorrow.
5. Teach your child problem solving and decision making skills by listening carefully to their concerns and generating solutions with them. Allow them some personal space where you do not constantly question. Allow them to come to you to start a dialogue. If you must, use open ended questions and refrain from offering your immediate opinions.
6. Make time for your tweens. Just cause they are into their friends doesn’t mean they are not into you. Find out what interests them and learn how to participate. If it’s a sport, art or music, get with the current trends so that you can express interest and share their enthusiasm. Finding common ground is the key.
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Biting!!
Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 02:11 pm
Your beloved child is in a school situation for the first time and you’re just as proud as can be that there were 
no major hitches and life goes on in a relatively uncomplicated manner. You’ve received good reports from his/her teachers and you have looked over the Picasso-like paintings and drawings he/she has faithfully brought home to you. Life is good!
Just then word reaches you. He/she has done what??? Did you say bite someone in the class? You ask with incredulity. That just can’t be, not our little baby; it has never happened at home… unless you count the time he/she bit the dog’s tail and received a growl as a reward and warning at the same time. But there it was just wagging in his/her little face, and what’s a little person going to do, commands to the pet do not even work when the adults try to enforce Rover’s poor manners. A bite seems to get a lot of attention from the pet and parents alike- seems like a good plan!
In fact, biting another individual does indeed get a lot of attention and a certain amount of infantile pleasure at having the capacity and strength to cause such an immediate reaction. Gee, just can’t think of anything that works better; of course a dirty diaper can get a similar reaction but not as dramatic, and when you consider the discomfort of sitting in that mess for a period of time before it is noticed, it sure isn’t the best method. So, call it readily accessible weapons, or the need for immediate gratification, but your child has found out the age old secret and is trying it on some unsuspecting child of his or her approximate size and strength.
OK, that’s the facts, now what can you do about it? Well, the first thing is not to bite back- we would expect that of the dog but not of a parent. After all if he/she urinated on you just after dressing for the day would you turn around and reciprocate? Of course not so we need to develop a method that is civilized, explanatory, and requires some punishment if it persists.
First of all, I’ve found that you need to catch the child in the act, but if my experience holds true, the little devil will attempt this at home at some point. There are no studies to support my method of dealing with this issue except the good responses I receive from parents who are only too happy to stop this habit- FAST! There must be an immediate loud, forceful verbal “NO” (which it is almost impossible to suppress) followed in short order by a light flick to the side of the lips/mouth with one of your fingers. I’ve found this to be shocking enough for an immediate release to occur, but not forceful enough to cause any local damage. Your child will get the picture fairly quickly that this behavior is certainly something that should not and will not be repeated. Stick with it parents, it won’t take long and the problem will be gone.
Toddler Doesn’t Have to Mean Temper Tantrums
Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 02:47 pm
Yelling. Fighting. Hitting. Tantrums. Biting. Sound familiar? They are all typical behaviors bad-tempered kids use to make their needs known and to get their way. But here’s a critical parent secret: Hot tempers are learned so they can be unlearned. And calming a hot temper is not only doable but also essential for growing up in this sometimes violent, unpredictable world. Here are six anger management tips from The BIG BOOK OF PARENTING SOLUTIONS.
- Commit to raising a controlled kid. Studies show that parents who feel strongly about their kids showing self-restraint succeed because they committed themselves to that effort.
- Model coolness. One question parents should ask nightly is: “If my kid had only my behavior to watch, what would he have seen today?” Self-control is learned first at home.
- Set a rule: “Talk only when calm.” Refuse to talk to your kid until you and your kid are calm. If needed, lock yourself in the bathroom. Enforce the EXIT rule: walk away until calm.
- Identify stress signs. We all have unique physiological stress signs warning us we’re getting angry: flushed cheeks, rapid breathing, dry mouth. Recognize your child’s signs and help him identify them and keep pointing them out until he recognizes them in himself.
- Teach your child healthy ways to control that bad temper. Here are a few options:
- Use self-talk. Teach him an affirmation: a simple, positive message he says to himself in stressful situations. For example: “Stop and calm down,” “Stay in control,” “I can handle this.”
- Tear anger away. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper. Then tear it into little pieces and “throw the anger away.”
- 1 + 3 + 10. As soon as you feel you’re losing control: 1. Tell yourself: ‘Be calm.’ 2. Take three deep, slow breaths. 3. Count slowly to 10. Together it’s 1 + 3 + 10.
- Abdominal breath control. Inhale slowly to a count of five, pause two counts, slowly breathe out, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation, and reduces stress.
- Use the “Rule of 21.” The trick is to find a strategy that matches each kid’s unique temperament and comfort level. It will only become a habit if it is practiced until automatic and usually that’s 21 days!
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Dr Borba’s new book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has recently been released and is now available at amazon.com
Growing Up With ADHD – Have Things Changed…?
Last updated on June 15th, 2018 at 11:39 pm
As a child raised in a time where not much was known about this “affliction” I went through many years of feeling ‘less than’ and ‘inadequate’ in every sense of both words. My sister Stefanie put my growing up years in very accurate detail in The PedREST Story section. The only thing missing was the ‘help’ I 
received along the way in believing I was stupid (teachers, other kids..etc) Every school book I had was filled with my doodles and drawings, but not many notes. I couldn’t understand how to decipher important facts from filler words. Therefore, frustration would set in. When I’d look back over my “notes”, either I had captured one full sentence (including the conjunctions) and missed the next five said, or I had words here and there that made no sense. No wonder I hated school and played sick as often as possible! Every report card said, “Suzanne is very smart, but does not work up to her potential.”
And yet, what is so sad is that I saw a lot of professionals! From school counselors straight on up to a specialist in Manhattan! To emphasize what I said before, this “affliction” was not known to the kind of doctors I went to. Many years later I heard the story from my Mother that she had a friend whose child was diagnosed with hyperactivity. She brought me to my therapist’s office (a child psychologist) and asked him, “Is she hyperactive? Does she need to be on medicine?” He looked at me, crawling under the chairs, than climbing on top and jumping on the seat, than jumping onto my Mom’s lap and hanging from her neck… and said, “It is just a phase she is going through.”
And to make matters worse, the hyperactivity part of the acronym ADHD is usually found in boys, more than girls. So for years I got to hear what everyone was telling the boys – “what, do you have ants in your pants”- and not the girls- “stop daydreaming” – which definitely didn’t help things. Kids who had problems in school back then went to “study hall” which again, translated to being stupid. It was an embarrassment because it was generally known that the ‘dumb kids’ had to go there. (It was literally termed the ‘retarded group’.) Schools were set up in three categories… the advanced, remedial, and slow groups, and being thrown in the slow group meant humiliation.
When I was first diagnosed, at the age of 21, it was as if a huge light went on over my head. But still, information regarding ADHD was still very limited. (Pre-Internet Days) A few years later, a book was recommended to me: Driven To Distraction, by Edward Hallowell MD and John J. Ratey,MD. It was the ABC’s of “growing up Suzanne”. It focused (no pun intended) on all the mislabeling, and explained very clearly the disorganization I felt all of the time. Not only did it give a clear explanation of ADHD, (when I was told I had Attention Deficit Disorder, I took it to mean I hadn’t gotten enough attention growing up) but I was finally able to put some humor and levity to something I had found to be so emotionally painful; all of the projects I had started with such good intentions and enthusiasm that led to my feeling like a failure yet again because they were “one more thing on the uncompleted pile” finally had an explanation.
Unfortunately, once this problem came more into the public eye a few years ago, it seemed like every other child was diagnosed with it, and over-medicated, even when it may not have been necessary.
In the years since my diagnosis I have learned quite a bit regarding this issue…for example, that a huge percentage of kids that go undiagnosed end up turning to drugs to self medicate (…I would be one of them.) I have also learned that people (quite often, teenagers) who are not diagnosed and treated are prone to quite a bit more speeding tickets and accidents than others (…again, I used to fit that bill.) And, I also understand that quite often it is inherited. (Thanks Dad!)
As an adult, I discovered new tactics, or “tricks” to circumvent the problems. I knew I could never sit at a desk for 9 hours; I would go crazy, as well as probably make everyone around me nuts! My early experience with school made going back to one for a career terrifying. So I had to figure out what really caught and held my attention. What kind of career would help me be who I am…not who I should be in others’ eyes. And that was when my career as an EMT formed. That was where my creativity shined!
Recently, while talking to my Mother regarding my nephew, and seeing his inability to focus, and sit still, she said something I have heard so many times before, “if I only knew then what we know now…” Over the years, I finally came to the realization that there really is no point in dwelling on the “what if’s” and “If only’s” (ie: What if I had been diagnosed earlier…how different would my life have been?) The fact is, I can’t change what was or wasn’t done back then, but I have a voice now, and it is so exciting for me to watch my nephew (who, by the way, appropriately, is my Godson) receive special education and get the extra help he needs to enable him to reach his true and full potential.
And so, when I think about my own story, I am quite curious about parents today, who have a child that has ADD or ADHD, and the advances and help they receive now, and the process of how they were ‘properly’ diagnosed. Who picked up on the signs and how early was the child tested? And lastly, those of you who have children with this, did you see early signs because you recognized some of your own traits as a child in him or her?
