Warning Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied …And What To Do

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 01:34 pm

REALITY CHECK: Research finds that 49 percent of kids say they’ve been bullied at least once or twice during the school term, but only 32 percent of their parents believed them. 

One study found that one out of every four children will be bullied by another youth in school this month. If your child is bullied, it means that peers are intentionally causing him pain. Reports also confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is more frequent, intense, and more aggressive that ever.

I have worked in hundreds of schools to reduce bullying. My proposal to stop school violence was passed into California law in 2005 (SB1667). We know that bullying can not only be reduced but also prevented. We also know that a mere one-time school assembly or lesson on bullying is ineffective. Posters on walls or campaigns to stop bullying, while a first step, do little to turn around aggressive behaviors and eliminate this behavior.

What does work to reduce bullying: Consistent, unwavering commitment by a group of adults to turn aggressive behaviors around, rebuild empathy, and changing a school culture. I’ll address my own 6 R’s to Reduce Bullying, but my purpose today is to help you learn to spot the signs that your child may be bullied.

Do know that if your child is bullied chances are he or she did NOTHING to cause it. The bottom line: bullying behavior must be taken very seriously and in most cases an adult must be there for a victim to advocate for him or her, create a safety plan, offer solace, rebuild self-esteem and teach new habits.

Your first step to helping your son or daughter is to know the warning signs that your child may be bullied and needs your support. If your child complains of being taunted, picked on, or threatened by a peer, please take him seriously. Unfortunately, however, chances are that if your child is bullied, he won’t tell you. He may be embarrassed, doesn’t want you to be involved in the situation  or feel you won’t take him seriously. So watch for the changes in your child’s typical behavior.

Signs and Symptoms of Bullying  (pg. 324 The Big Book of Parenting Solutions)

• Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes, or torn clothing
• Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
• Afraid to be left alone: doesn’t want to go to school; afraid of riding the school bus; wants you there at dismissal, suddenly clingy
• Suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely
• Marked changed in typical behavior or personality
• Physical complaints; headaches, stomachaches, frequent visits the school nurse’s office
• Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting
• Begins bullying siblings or younger kids
• Waits to get home to use the bathroom
• Ravenous when he comes home (lunch money or lunch may be stolen)
• Sudden and significant drop in grades; difficulty focusing and concentrating

Your first step is to calmly listen to your kid and gather details. Let your child know you are always available to listen and will be there anytime to help him feel safe. And please do not promise your child you will keep this a secret. Chances are your child will need help from an adult and may not be able to handle the bully on his own.

If you suspect your child is bullied and the measures could affect his physical or emotional well-being, do not wait. Your child’s l safety may be at stake. Also, do not assume this is a phase which will go away. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior and bullies generally choose their targets and continue to prey. 

If the bullying offense is serious in nature, find out WHERE and WHEN the bullying incidents happen. Hint: Bullying usually happens in the same locations, 120 feet away from a building and where adult supervision is least. Tell your child to avoid “hot spot” areas such as bathrooms, the edges of playgrounds, behind stairwells, lockers, and the back of the bus.

Set up an appointment immediately with the teacher, counselor, coach, or principal. Demand to know what they plan to do to keep your child safe. Then monitor, monitor, monitor.  If you do not get help, go up the “ladder” and meet with the superintendent, board, or if necessary the school board. In some cases you may need to remove your child from the school.

Bottom line: Bullying is serious and has severe emotional consequences to our children’s self-esteem. We are seeing that in some cases bullying can lead to bullycide (a victim who commits suicide).

Enough!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

Teaching Our Children to Avoid Racial Bias and Prejudice

Last updated on March 16th, 2015 at 01:23 pm

I am white. My husband is white. My son is white.  ALL my relatives, both biological and through marriage, are white.  And I am appalled by the findings of the Justice Department’s investigation into the racial discrimination in the Ferguson police and court system.  As striking as the statistics are on the increased rates of police stops, ticketing and other charges faced by black residents of Ferguson, it was the racial slurs and stereotypes shared by police and court employees – through government email accounts! – that was most shocking.  The box below shows the emails published by the DOJ (without names) and listed on NPR’s website.

Ferguson police/court staff emails disclosed by the Department of Justice:

• A November 2008 email stated that President Barack Obama would not be President for very long because “what black man holds a steady job for four years.”
• A March 2010 email mocked African-Americans through speech and familial stereotypes, using a story involving child support. One line from the email read: “I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!”
• An April 2011 email depicted President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.
• A May 2011 email stated: “An African-American woman in New Orleans was admitted into the hospital for a pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a check for $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said, ‘Crimestoppers.'”
• A June 2011 email described a man seeking to obtain “welfare” for his dogs because they are “mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are.”
• An October 2011 email included a photo of a bare-chested group of dancing women, apparently in Africa, with the caption, “Michelle Obama’s High School Reunion.”
• A December 2011 email included jokes that are based on offensive stereotypes about Muslims

My 12-year old son was really surprised when we discussed this at dinner last night and I said that the least offensive email was the one that said President Obama wouldn’t be in the White House long because black men can’t hold down steady jobs.  When we talked about the list he said, “Oooh, that’s racist!” Despite being white, racism is something he’s attuned to because many of his friends at school are Asian – and one of my best friends is black and we are god-parents/brother/dogs for her two little girls.

There are many issues that the Ferguson report raises – but one that struck me is how we prevent these types of offensive perspectives and stereotypes being adopted by our children.  This is important because we’ve seen that these biases limit the potential of victims, create mental distress and discord in society, and – as we’ve seen – can lead to violence.

What we’ve worked to do is expose our son to diverse people – not maybe for that reason – but because we are also drawn to diverse groups.  I’m not friends with an African American woman so my son can experience diversity – but when she has taken him into her home, family and church I’ve been glad that he is experiencing another culture (she describes her environment as another “culture”); another slice of life.  The same can be said of having his Chinese classmates over for a sleepover and having the Indian family down the street (who have since moved and we really miss!) over for dinner.

The other thing we’ve done – which I’m particularly glad of having just read an article called “What White Children Need to Know About Race” – is that we’ve spoken about race, discrimination and bias. We had to learn early how to have sensitive conversations about groups versus individuals and not being prejudiced about someone’s membership in a given group….because my mother-in-law is German and my husband is a war history buff – so we had to explain why Omi and all the German relatives are not bad when all the WWII movies here show Germans as the enemy.  When talking about countries, dictators, racial groups, whatever – we often talk about the context of people’s lives and its impact on them, their opportunities, and behavior. We’ve also discussed what a stereotype is and why these short-cuts based on generalizations about groups – though often rooted in some truth – are offensive and harmful when applied to individuals. And we’ve tried to bring it back to a person or situation that is familiar…how do you think Miss T would feel?  Is that really a fair thing to say about L?

But even with all the emphasis in our family on avoiding all types of prejudice, I’ve realized in thinking about the Ferguson case, that we fall short sometimes – on ethnic, gender, and lifestyle issues.  This situation has caused me to think about how we can do an even better job of preventing bias and prejudice from taking hold in our house.  Below are a few resources I found to create an inclusive environment – at home, school, or wherever:

Understanding Prejudice.org

Anti-Defamation League

Teaching Tolerance

Children Are Not Colorblind – University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee

Talking to Our Children About Racism & Diversity – The Leadership Conference

High Levels of Stress/Depression with Incoming College Kids

Last updated on August 29th, 2015 at 02:58 pm

The annual snapshot of incoming college freshmen was recently published (“The American Freshman: National Norms Fall 2014” also covered in a New York Times article) and provides yet more data indicating that our teens are feeling high and increasing levels of stress and depression in the face of significant academic expectations and life challenges.

The survey, which has been run for nearly a half-century by an institute at UCLA, covers a wide range of issues and perspectives relevant to recent high school graduates.  The most recent publication showed some concerning trends:

•  Only 50.7% indicated they had good emotional health – the lowest level ever recorded
• Over a third of respondents (34.6%) “felt overwhelmed” by the many expectations placed on them – academic or otherwise
• Nearly 10% of students reported frequently feeling depressed over the previous year – their senior year in high school – a much higher rate than reported just 5 years ago (6.1%)
  • This is a higher rate of depression than seen across the US generally
• Additionally, students with disabilities or chronic diseases – such as ADHD, learning disabilities, diabetes or autoimmune conditions – report much higher rates of rates of depression (15.5% to 22.4%)

Why does this matter?  Well, the report further demonstrated that students who had suffered from frequent bouts of depression were less likely to be engaged in school – more of them come late to class or fall asleep during lectures and fewer reported studying or working on projects with classmates – all behaviors that can lead to a negative spiral in school.  Furthermore, suicide is the third leading cause of death for college-age students.

However, as a mother of a frequently overwhelmed and stressed-out seventh-grader, the real concern for me is how long have these kids been feeling this way – and what can we do to improve this?? My son often has so much homework that he skimps on sleep and becomes down and moody when under particular pressure.  I’ve sometimes taken to forcing him to go to bed and hand assignments in late for easier classes, just to better juggle the workload. But I know the situation is only going to get worse as he advances to higher grades.

What are your concerns about the pressures on our youth – and what strategies are you trying to help address the issue? We’d love to hear from you!

Developing Empathy in Kids for a Parent’s Illness

Last updated on September 13th, 2015 at 01:25 am

For reasons unknown to me, my family and various doctors consulted over the years, I get sick a lot. Sometimes for extended periods. My husband says I will catch any bug that comes within a hundred feet of me! So I’ve had various colds, strep throat, mono, shingles, and – most recently – vertigo, caused by a head cold I caught at the end of May. With all these illness, and especially ones where I don’t “look” sick, I’ve noticed my son isn’t  showing much empathy for my situation, which has become both aggravating and concerning.

Why does it matter? Empathy – the ability to understand and relate to another person’s experience – is an important “emotional intelligence” skill, and emotional intelligence (often noted as EQ) has been shown to be as or more important than intelligence for future academic and professional success, as well as personal happiness. In this vein, empathy for bouts of illness could help children throughout their lives, both personally and professionally. At work it could help them be better coworkers and managers (as I remember a boss who told me over the phone, “You don’t sound sick,” when I was suffering from mononucleosis due to overwork). Personally, it could help them in their relationships with their spouse and family – to be more supportive during illness. Additionally, a healthy respect for illness and the impact it has on people might also help in caring for and supporting themselves, giving themselves space and time to recover and looking after themselves in the first place in order to avoid illness.
And, of course, empathy from the kids really helps make things easier on the parent who is sick!

My recent issue with vertigo started out with severe and scary symptoms of the whole world spinning and me falling and flailing within it. While these symptoms only lasted about a week – the condition persisted to a lesser degree for a couple more months, causing mild dizzy spells, difficulty concentrating, severe fatigue and occasional headaches. It really prevented me from doing my usual activities, including a full work schedule, driving, home chores, and social activities.

Initially my son was not very empathetic about the vertigo, probably partly because it is such a rare/odd condition – and I didn’t LOOK sick. He suggested I was being overly “dramatic” as I was falling and flailing and occasionally made some slightly rude comments of the “drama queen” “always sick” variety. Plus he kept demanding my time and attention when I really just couldn’t give it.

This started to make be both concerned and angry, as I was going through enough without having to deal with a 12-year-old’s world-view, so I started a concerted “empathy-development” program with Elliott – with some success. Here’s what worked for me:

• I highlighted the negative behavior and his specific comments (and tone) – and how they made me feel
• I explained what was happening to me (simply), including how my brain was affected by getting different signals about where my body was – I tried to give him an explanation of why I was acting and feeling this way
• I talked about how it felt to have this condition and to be ill “again” – and what I felt I was missing out on – and answered his questions about the condition / situation
• I also described what good would look like (e.g. “Asking how I’m feeling, checking on my symptoms” or “making me tea when I’m tired”)
• Asking for help from my husband (could also be a friend / family member) to reinforce the message about my illness and what support I need
• Although these steps had some positive results, I still had to remind him regularly that I still had this issue – as he would forget or just assume I was better at some point

After trying these approaches, Elliott’s comments became a lot more positive – and he even made me a nice tea tray in bed. The situation’s not perfect – but it’s better. At least he is now aware of his behavior and making an effort: the other day I made a comment about his earlier negative actions and he said, “That was then, I’m not doing that anymore, right?” Even if he’s not perfect, I’m just pleased that he recognizes his earlier behavior wasn’t ideal.

Counter the Risks of Over-Sexualized Images On Young Girls

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:48 pm

How to counter “Too Much, Too Soon, Too Sleazy” ads aimed at our daughters and raise healthier girls from the inside out

Thongs undies for toddlers.
Push-up bras for eight-year olds.
Sneakers to “tone” legs for preschoolers.

Marketers keep pushing that “too sexy, too soon” envelope on our young daughters, and we are seeing the impact on our daughters’ self-esteem and body images. Keep in mind that it isn’t just one advertisement or one commercial that affects a young girl’s self-concept, but the constant slew of images pushing a “too fast, too soon” look. And that’s exactly what our girls are exposed to these days. The “constant” seeing or hearing over-sexualized messages can be damaging to a young girl’s mental, emotional or moral well being.

The extent of that damage depends upon each particular girl, but we do know younger girls (especially those seven to twelve years old) and those with lower self-esteem are more vulnerable. But let’s be clear: these “too much, too soon” messages are not healthy for any girl’s self-image or body image, and it’s why we should be concerned about the onslaught of these sexualized messages on our daughters. They are having a negative impact. Here are a few dangers, and why we should be outraged.

1. Pushes a Wrong Message on How to Achieve Happiness
Children’s self-beliefs, values, and attitudes are formed through repetition. Continual messages that stress “thin, looks, tone, sexy” can cause girls to believe that they should be pushing their childhoods ahead. For instance, a young girl can translate those messages as:

“I should be acting and dressing like a teen even though I’m in grade school.”
“I should be dieting.”
“I should be wearing makeup.”
“I should be worried about if my legs are toned.”
“I should be ….”

The problem is her “should bes” are unrealistic, unhealthy, and damaging. Is there any wonder why 80 percent of fourth grade girls worry they will be fat? This morning my local newspaper contained this interesting fact….and I quote: “One study found that 80 percent of all U.S. women admit to being dissatisfied with their figures.” Concerns about our “shoulds” don’t seem to improve with age.

2. Develops a “Flimsy” Self-image that Endangers the Development of Resilience
Authentic self-esteem is a fine balance between a “feeling of worthiness” and a “feeling of capableness.” Developing both of those essential feelings is what helps our daughters handle stress, cope with life, and bounce back when the going gets tough. And those crucial school years are when our daughters are doing serious work in shaping their self-concepts and forming their “Who I am?” opinions about themselves.

Messages over-loaded with looks, appearance, weight, dress size, and toned legs (all addressing the “Am I worthy?” side of the self-esteem quotient) don’t allow girls to develop positive images for their “feeling capable sides.” Too much emphasis on looks can also cause girls to miss out on those crucial opportunities that help them figure out their strengths, interests, likes, hobbies, values, etc. A flimsier self-esteem is also likely to mean a girl has a weaker “Resilience Quotient” (that crucial commodity she’ll need to handle life) due to an unbalanced acquisition of self-esteem.

3. Decompressed Childhood
“Too fast, too soon” messages push girls to grow up too quickly for their age and maturity. Growing up “before their time” also means missing out on developmentally appropriate activities, rituals, and games that are such an integral part of growing up. Instead of playing, discovering, learning, creating, relishing, or just being, they are devoting priceless energy wondering how they should look or weigh or act. There is no rewind button on childhood, folks.

4. Boosts Health Risks
Do you know the new hot “Sweet 16″ birthday gift request? It’s Botox! (Yep, Botox… I still haven’t quite figured that one out or found a sixteen year old girl with a wrinkle). Breast implants are now on our girls’ high school graduation “wish lists.” According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, more than 36,800 cosmetic surgery procedures were performed last year on girls eighteen and under. There is always a risk with surgery, but what about the risk to a young girl’s body image? And why?

5. Increases Mental Health Risks
Research also shows that the proliferation of sexualized images in advertising, merchandising and media are indeed harmful to a young girls’ self-image and health. A five-year study of 2516 teens by the American Psychological Association found that girls who frequently read those dieting and weight loss articles are far more likely to fast, vomit, or use laxatives to lose weight. In fact, the data found that the more frequently a girl sees those over-sexualized, images, the more likely she is to resort to extreme weight control behaviors.I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence that we’re also seeing a tragic increase of eating disorders in girls who are seven and eight years of age.

6. Increases Odds for Risky Behaviors
Those “too fast, too soon” images can also push our girls into those “teen” years sooner. (From the looks of things eight has become the new 13). Growing up faster also means the potential for earlier drinking, earlier promiscuity, earlier peer pressure-and those all add up to taking more unhealthy risks.

There are dangers on all those too sexy, too much, too soon negative images on our girls’ physical, mental, emotional and moral development. So how do we counter those negative media images and raise healthier daughters? Here are a few ideas.

Countering Negative Media Images To Raise Healthy Girls from the Inside Out

“Up” Your Outrage!
These products are sold because they are purchased. A collective parental “NO!” would send a clear message to advertisers. Write your concerns to distributors and product developers. Those complaints do work…several of these companies have reconfigured their advertisements and even removed them from their websites. “Outrage” petitions are also gaining signatures by the minute. Speak out and keep your wallets shut. Also, share your concerns to your daughter to help develop her media literacy.

Check Your Attitude
Kids who see and hear their parents (especially moms) worrying about their appearance usually adopt the belief that “being young and thin” is the standard to achieve. So watch your comments (please!!) and tune into your own behavior. Your daughter is watching and listening more than you may realize! And you are also far more influential on her development than you may be giving yourself credit for.

Build Self-Esteem from the Inside Out
A positive, authentic, well-rounded sense of self-esteem and healthy body image are essential for our girls. So find ways to help your daughter gain competence in physical, social and academic endeavors. Help her realize her innate strengths and wonderful personal qualities. Focus your praise on her deserved inside qualities-a kind-heart, optimistic spirit, stick-to-it attitude-so she realizes “who I am is more important than how toned my legs are or what I look like.”

Watch Her Media Diet, Please!
Control your remote, get her a subscription to healthy magazines, and find her healthy outlooks that don’t require wearing sexy attire. And while you’re at it, put down those celebrity magazines…at least when your daughter is in the room!

Check her Friends
Tune in a bit closer to what your daughter’s friends are talking about. If the focus is all about the latest “diets” and “dress size” it may be time to steer your child toward others friends with healthier outlooks.

Find Like-Minded Parents
Consider talking with parents of your teen’s friends and hear their views. Chances are they share your standards. Standing together will reduce those, “You’re the only parent who feels that way.” I’m betting you’re not. Find parents who share your values and join forces so you can stop this craze together.

Find Positive Role Models
Tune into those so-called role models. Make sure their examples are ones you want your daughter to copy. Let’s offer our daughters female role models who feel comfortable in their own skin and don’t need to rely on Botox, breast implants, dieting, and designer labels to feel attractive. Expose your daughter to authentic, confident women, and then tell her why you admire them. Our girls need strong, resourceful female examples to emulate.

Our best hope is to help our daughters learn—and as early as possible—that real happiness isn’t borrowed or copied, but lies within. That’s exactly why we need to help our girls become strong from the inside out. Doing so is what will help our daughters feel comfortable in their own skin.

Enough!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com.

Homework? Conference Calls? Tips for Working-at-Home Success

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 02:06 pm

Generations ago, staying home with the kids meant a life of housework and homework. Today, it’s likely to include conference calls, invoicing and paychecks, as more women discover the perks of being a work-at-home mom. If you’ve been considering starting your own home-based business, here are seven important tips to keep in mind.

1. Find the right job. If you already have a career in mind, or your current boss has agreed to a telecommuting arrangement, then lucky you! But if you’re not sure what sort of at-home job to pursue, do some research to find a good match for your interests and skills. Websites such as WAHM.com, HBWM.com and RatRaceRebellion.com are excellent resources for “mompreneurs.”

Among the many home-based business options available today are virtual call center and office assistant jobs, social media management, catalog sales, blogging and data entry. Or consider turning a hobby you love, such as photography or jewelry making, into a career.

2. Beware of scams. Steer clear of any company that asks for an up-front fee (although virtual call centers do require a small payment for background checks). Work-at-home expert Christine Durst, co-founder of RatRaceRebellion.com, also warns against clicking links on Facebook threads from people promising business opportunities (“Earn $7,000 a month!”). These are usually recruiters from shady pyramid scheme companies.

3. Know the costs. Depending on your line of work, you’ll probably need to invest in supplies such as shipping materials or software upgrades. Do your homework before you begin to make sure your new job won’t break your budget. If your start-up costs are high, look into options such as small business loans or even a crowdfunding campaign.

And it may take a while before you see a profit, so set aside enough savings to see you through the lean times. “There’s a real misconception out there that you can slap up a blog or start doing direct sales and money will pour in,” says Kelly Land, founder of MoneyMakingMommy.com. “Ask yourself: Can I do this around my current job so I’ll still have an income, or is there another source of income to keep us going while I do this?”

4. Take your job seriously. Just because you’re not putting on high heels in the morning doesn’t mean you’re not working. Set regular hours and stick to them, even if it means letting the housework slide or putting a “Do Not Disturb” sign on your home office door.

5. Have a child care plan. While the point of being a WAHM is being there for your kids, it still pays to have a good support system just in case. A trusted sitter, loving grandparents or a reliable friend can be a lifesaver when you’re dealing with deadlines and a restless toddler all at once.

6. Be prepared to lose sleep. Between work responsibilities and kids’ activity schedules, many work-at-home moms find that their work day is a lot longer than the eight-hour norm. “Getting up before everyone and staying up later was the only way I could stay on track and get things accomplished,” says Land. “A lot of times, I’d just nap when the kids did.”

7. Find time to unwind. Running a business and a family can be stressful, so don’t forget to put some “me” time in your day. “For me, gaming is how I relieve stress,” says Land. “I have one friend who goes out and weeds when things get crazy, and another who can’t live without her weekly facial.”

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