It’s Important to Explain Why “That’s Inappropriate!”
Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:25 am
I don’t remember the phrase “that’s inappropriate!” from when I was growing up. Maybe it wasn’t used back then – or where I grew up in Canada. Or maybe I was just such a good girl…. Hmmm. But I must admit that it’s been a very handy phrase around our house over the past few years for things like: the use of “stupid,” excessive burping or bottom-waggling, and “toilet” humor – particularly at the dinner table.
Now, at our house, use of “that’s inappropriate” often gets good behavior results all on its own. Nevertheless, a recent incident at my son’s afterschool program highlighted how a great phrase like this can get over-used and become an excuse for not communicating properly with children when we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to handle a situation.
The “Situation”
One afternoon, at the school’s extended-care program, Elliott and his other 4th-grade friends were discussing characters from books like the “Percy Jackson” series. He’s read all the books and has become quite interested in and familiar with Greek Mythology.
Apparently one of the names they had come across was “Oedipus” – a tragic figure who unknowingly killed his father and married his mother (he had been given up for adoption as a baby) – made famous through Freud’s psychoanalytic “Oedipus Complex.” Although the boys didn’t know any of this back-story and only mentioned the name, their aftercare group leader heard their discussion and sharply told the boys: “That’s inappropriate!” Unfortunately her comments ended there – and my son’s confusion and sense of injustice began.
That evening, in relating his story, it was clear that Elliott really wanted to know what, if anything, he had done wrong. “If Oedipus is a character from Greek mythology, why would talking about it be inappropriate?” he asked. I told him that the conversation probably made his group leader – who was young and fairly new in her job – uncomfortable, since a famous doctor from over a hundred years ago created a theory called the “Oedipus Complex” to describe a mental illness when a boy loves his mother too much. “Too much?!” he proclaimed. “But aren’t we supposed to love our mothers?!” …..Hmmm. “Yes,” I said. “But Oedipus married his mother.”
The Outcome
Since Elliott’s response to that was “Ewww,” I concluded that he’s not suffering from the aforementioned complex – despite the fact that, at the age of two, he did say he wanted to marry me! We agreed that there probably wasn’t anything really inappropriate about Oedipus but that it was best not to talk about him at school, since some people clearly found the story disturbing. I don’t know if this was the right approach, but it seemed to satisfy him. And I did base my strategy on two common pieces of parenting advice for “socially-sensitive” subjects (like sex):
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Don’t make a big deal about the issue – or your kids will
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Communicate openly but don’t give them more information than they need or asked for
Now, I do wish that his aftercare teacher had handled the situation differently, but it did remind me that I also need to be careful of too-frequently reaching for the “that’s inappropriate” crutch. And I got a wonderful opportunity to practice my “sensitive-subject” skills. So I guess that’s ok.
Video Games and their Impact on Child Aggression and Empathy
Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 10:06 pm
“Can’t I just play one more hour?”
“But there’s nottttthhhhthinnnng else to do!”
“Chill out, Mom. The game is not that violent.”
There’s no doubt that video games are a part of the plugged-in generation’s lifestyle. But are you aware just how much of an impact video games have? Check out these stats:
REALITY CHECK: Did you know that:
- 99 percent of boys and 94 percent of girls ages 12 to 17 play computer, web, portable or console games?
- More than 90 percent of kids play video games 30 minutes a day though boys spend twice as much time playing than girls.
- In fact, video gaming is so widespread among American kids that studies show that nearly every teen plays games in some way, regardless of gender, age or economic status.
For some kids games are “everything.” That’s why there’s also growing concerns among parents about video games that range from: making kids more aggressive, developing sedentary lifestyles, squelching cognitive development or academic potential. After all, it’s very easy for kids to fall into the habit of spending too much time in front of those controllers.
The truth is too much video game playing isn’t healthy for anyone and can rob our children from experiencing the great outdoors, reading for pleasure, getting enough exercise, doing their homework, as well as learning to get along with others. But don’t rush to judgment too quickly. Over the last decade video game makers have come a long way and playing some of those games actually benefits our kids’ learning and motor dexterity, and even helps keep them in better shape.
Here are solutions to help you wade through those tough choices and know whether playing that video game is actually aiding or hindering your child’s development.
Parenting Solutions for Kids and Video Games
Know Your Child
For my two cents, I don’t think it’s healthy for any kid to play violent video games. But don’t get me wrong, playing one video game is not going to cause irrevocable damage. Just please know that some children are influenced by aggressive content. If they continue playing violent games they will stress more and become more aggressive and less empathic. Research finds that video games may decrease our kids’ capacity to feel for others:
Video Games May Decrease Empathy
A University of Toronto study with 150 fourth and fifth graders found that those spending the most time playing violent video games are also most likely to agree with statements such as: “People with guns or knives are cool,” and “Parents should tell their kids to fight if they have to.” Those same kids are also more likely to disagree with statements such as, “When I’m mean to someone I generally feel bad about it later,” or “I’m happy when my teacher says my friend did a good job.” Many child experts (myself included) are concerned that violent video game playing may desensitize your child to empathy-or that glorious capacity to feel for another.
Kids who are more sensitive, have an aggressive or hyper temperament, or are predisposed to aggression by witnessing or experiencing it are also more likely to be aggressive after playing certain video games.
A review by the University of Michigan of over 85 studies found that “video games increase aggressive thoughts and angry feelings, aggressive behaviors and decrease helping behavior.”
But you don’t need research to prove that to you. Just monitor your child’s behavior closer. If you notice he becomes more wound up or aggressive and you think it’s due to playing that game, the solution is simple: Take away those controllers and stay abreast of late-breaking research so you can make responsible parenting decisions as to what is best for your child. Be clear as to not only which games are off-limits but how long your kid is allowed to play.
Be Selective As to Video Content
Set clear parameters as to which games you will allow your kids to watch. Ratings established by the Entertainment Software Rating Board are prominently labeled on the outside of each video game box. (By the way, game raters include child development experts, retired school principals, teachers, as well as parents). Teach your kid those ratings so there are no questions or arguments.
Video Game Ratings
EC (Early Childhood-Ages 3+): No inappropriate or objectionable material
E (Everyone Ages 6+): May contain minimal violence, some comic mischief or crude language
T (Teen; Ages 13+) May contain violent content, mild or strong language and suggestive themes
M (Mature-Ages 17+) May include more intense violence or language; mature sexual themes
AO (Adult Only-Ages 18+) May include graphic depiction of sex and violence
Watch the Whole Game
Many games appear mild at the lowest skill level but grow increasing violent as the player’s skill increases. So if the box with the rating is missing, watch what your child is playing all the way through to the end or ask your child to give you a demo. These games can appear deceiving.
One of the most popular-sellers, “Grand Theft Auto” begins as a fast-pace racing game, but as a player moves up in the competition (and later into the game) points are earned for knocking a policeman off his motorcycle and running down a pedestrian. You can also hire a prostitute, have sex with her, then knock her out and get the money back. Yes, such games are rated for adults, but kids say they can gain access to them easily and many parents never watch beyond the first scenes, not realizing how inappropriate is the content of following scenes. And a recent study found that nearly 80 percent of E rated games contain some violence.
Take Time for Friends
UCLA studies find though certain video games can increase kids’ IQ, they do so at the expense of learning crucial social skills. So don’t let video game playing detract from being with friends. You may also want to put limits on game playing when friends come over or restrict video game playing all together. Don’t be surprised that once you set limits for video playing in your home that your kid decides to spend more time at his friend’s house. If the friend’s parents are allowing unlimited video playing, it may be time to speak with them and share your own policy. They just may decide to adopt a one-hour limit as well.
Teach Anger Management
A study of 1254 preteens found that a big reason they play video games is to manage their feelings, including anger and stress. In fact, kids who play violent games are more likely to play to release anger. Make sure your child knows healthy ways to release anger such as exercise, healthier eating, journaling upset feelings, talking to someone about their upset thoughts, deep breathing exercises or meditation. Then encourage your child to use those strategies to get their anger out.
The long and the short on video games is that there needs to be more research to determine the long-range impact on our children. Meanwhile, keep a closer eye on your child’s behavior. And remember, you do pay the electric bill and are the parent. It’s okay to say, “NO!”
When A Parent Should Worry
Here are red flags that may signal that video games are a negative influence:
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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.
More Than a Meal: Benefits of Eating Together
Last updated on August 13th, 2015 at 03:35 pm
Recently, I was honored to speak at the Texas PTA Leadership Conference in Austin, TX on the importance of family mealtimes. The benefits of family meals go far beyond nutrition. Did you know that young people who reported eating dinner with their family 5 or more times per week were much likelier to report receiving either all A’s or mostly A’s and B’s in school? Other key items from research include:
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Mealtime conversations help children acquire and improve the language skills that are critical for school success. Children learn new vocabulary, sentence structure, and how to share their point of view with other people. -
Conversations at the family table taught children more vocabulary than they learned from their parents reading books to them.
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Elementary school children who did well in class and on achievement tests were those who generally spent larger amounts of time eating meals with their families.
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Eating meals with their family was a stronger predictor of academic success than whether they lived with one or both parents.
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The more often families eat together the less likely teens are to smoke cigarettes, use illegal drugs, abuse alcohol, become depressed, develop eating disorders, or get pregnant.
Nutrition Benefits
We can’t deny the family mealtime benefits on your child’s current and future nutrition. They include:
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More likely to have a healthy weight.
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Less likely to become or stay overweight.
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Less likely to develop an eating disorder.
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Family meals during adolescence had a lasting positive influence on the quality of their diets and meal patterns, such as eating breakfast. In other words, having family meals with your teenagers improves their chances of eating right in their 20’s.
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Young people who eat more often with their families have higher intakes of fruits, vegetables, grains, and dairy foods.
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For teens, more regular family meals mean fewer fried foods and soft drinks. These adolescents also have higher intakes of key nutrients like calcium, iron, vitamins A, B6, C, E, and folate, as well as fiber.
Keeping It Simple
The great thing to know is that the meal does not need to be complicated to have all of these great benefits. If you are super strapped for time, these ideas don’t even need a recipe:
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Flank steak with tossed salad and frozen vegetables
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Pasta with frozen or canned shrimp, sautéed in olive oil with onion and garlic
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Cheese omelet with tossed salad
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Tuna salad in a whole wheat wrap made with reduced-fat mayonnaise
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Black beans and brown or wild rice with frozen veggies
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Spinach salad with grilled chicken, mandarin oranges, and slivered almonds
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Peanut butter and banana sandwich on 100% whole-wheat bread
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Hamburgers (made with lean ground beef) on whole-grain buns, with boiled potatoes and frozen vegetables
Add some skim/1% milk as a beverage, add quick veggies as needed and serve fresh fruit as a dessert – and you have a very well-rounded stress-free meal. Remember, eliminate all distractions and make all mealtime discussions pleasant and friendly. Involve your kids in the recipe selection, shopping and preparation for maximum impact. And if you are not eating at least 5 meals as a family, consider adding one per week. Dinner is a great time, but breakfasts and lunches work as well.
Eating together is one of the best things we can do as a family to enrich the quality of our children’s lives. Commit today to make family meals a priority in your home and watch all the great things that will follow.
Helping Your Child in Emotional Pain – It’s Not So Easy
Last updated on October 11th, 2017 at 09:56 pm
A number of the “11 Action Signs” published recently by the Mayo Clinic to help parents, caregivers and health care professionals better recognize when a child may be suffering from a behavioral or emotional disorder (see the November 3rd post by Stefanie Zucker) were very familiar to me.
We witnessed some of these in our son when he was 6-7 years old: crying on the way to school and faking illness to stay home (he put a thermometer up to a light bulb to fake a fever!); often being very difficult and argumentative – then collapsing into meltdowns; sitting in a corner behind the sofa hugging his knees and rocking; saying things such as, “I’m not like other kids.”
It was so difficult to witness our son going through this kind of emotional pain. Eventually we determined that he was VERY unhappy at his school – due to some bullying, and overall dysfunction in his class and the school generally. However, it wasn’t so easy to figure out that there was something really negative going on at school – and that his emotional state was being seriously compromised as a result. He didn’t share what went on during his day, even when I asked – a typical boy! And the changes in his behavior came on slowly, in fits and starts. It was also hard to compare current to past behavior because kids keep growing and changing – not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. What constitutes “normal” at any given point? This is especially challenging because, as the Mayo Clinic report points out, most kids exhibit these behaviors at some point.
But the challenges do not stop at identification. What do you do when you begin to recognize the signs that your child is in emotional pain? Do you try talking to him – or involve a trusted family friend with whom he might be more open? Do you talk to his teacher? What if the teacher isn’t trained on these dimensions and insinuates that your child has a character flaw or that his behavior must be due to issues at home? Does it occur to you to contact his pediatrician or a child psychologist (do you even have one on hand)? Or do you – or your spouse – worry about stigma or that it might be overkill to involve a medical professional?
I experienced all of these situations. When I confided in another mother from school that our son was very unhappy and wanted to change schools, she asked if we would really let him push such a decision – and that from a primary care doctor with 2 kids! All these experiences and uncertainties can undermine your confidence in the right path of action.
In the end we had TWO medical professionals recommend his immediate removal from his current school. Fast forward 2 years – and an entirely different (and wonderful!) school – and life is altogether different. Or back to an earlier state we had forgotten about. After just two months in the new school, he was so much happier and better behaved – and back to singing and dancing around the house as he did things. We even remembered that we used to call him “Tigger” – because of the way he bounced around everywhere, full of infectious energy and enthusiasm.
Throughout this process I tried hard to show my son how special and loved he was. I had many long talks with him to try to help him cope with whatever was going on. When he said he was different and kids didn’t like him – one day solemnly proclaiming: “I’m the least popular kid in my class and the third least-popular kid in the school” – I told him to remember that everyone was different and worthy – and that “no kid fits everywhere, but EVERYONE fits somewhere.” And at Christmas two years ago – when everything was coming to a head – “Santa” wrote him an encouraging letter and gave him a plaque – that hangs proudly right over his bed:
11 “Action Signs” Help You Identify if Your Child Needs Help
Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:28 am
Cancer has early warning signs. In fact many childhood illnesses have signs that can be detected early, provided that you know what to look for. But what about mental health??
…How do you know if your child is in trouble?
Last Friday, the Mayo Clinic published a tool kit designed to help parents, teachers and the medical professionals identify early on when a child needs professional help. The 11 “action signs” are written in plain English and were created with the input of over 6,000 US children and parents to make sure they were simple and easy to understand.
According to the U.S. Surgeon General, “confusion by parents and doctors is one reason why more than half of children with serious mental disorders go untreated, and also why healthy children are misdiagnosed with disorders they don’t have”. The problem most parents face is simple: If I don’t know what I’m looking for, how do I know when I’ve found it?
“We needed to do something to help flesh out people’s understanding about what it meant when a child really did have a problem,” said Gary Blau, a clinical psychologist with the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Put simply, as a parent you need to be able to tell the difference between normal childhood moodiness and situations that are require immediate attention. Unfortunately it’s not always easy to interpret what your child is trying to tell you. Hopefully, these guidelines will help:
When children need help
The tool kit indicates children are at risk when they:
- Feel very sad or withdrawn for more than two weeks.
- Seriously try to harm or kill themselves, or make plans to do so.
- Experience sudden overwhelming fear for no reason, sometimes with a racing heart or fast breathing.
- Are involved in many fights, use a weapon, or want to badly hurt others.
- Display severe out-of-control behavior that can hurt themselves or others.
- Are not eating, shows signs of throwing up, or using laxatives to make themselves lose weight.
- Have intense worries or fears that get in the way of daily activities.
- Demonstrate extreme difficulty in concentrating or staying still that puts you in physical danger or causes school failure.
- Repeatedly use drugs or alcohol.
- Show severe mood swings that cause problems in relationships.
- Display drastic changes in behavior or personality.
The new guidelines are endorsed by the U.S. Surgeon General, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Although Mayo researchers say that their toolkit won’t be able to identify every child with a mental health problem, they estimate that it will identify at least half of the children who have undiagnosed conditions.
And that would be a very good start.
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Reference:
- Mayo guide helps parents spot teens’ disorders – Lorna Benson, October 31, 2011
- Mayo Clinic list helps spot mental illnesses in kids – Jeremy Olson, October 28, 2011
- The “Action Signs” Project – Mayo Clinic Research Institute October 28, 2011
Closer Parent-Bond Benefits Child Mental Health
Last updated on October 6th, 2015 at 12:01 am
Fun vacations and special occasions make great family memories, but they’re not what create a sense of closeness between parents and kids. Tight bonds come from being involved and interested in your kid’s 
daily life – from schoolwork, to hobbies, to friends and more.
Why is it important to get closer to your kids? A 2010 Binghamton University study found that it greatly boosts child mental health. And if you start early, the bonds will be long-lasting too: According to an MTV/Associated Press survey, teens and young adults said that the greatest source of happiness is spending time with family.
Here are seven easy ways to get closer to your kids.
1. Share a hobby
Whether it’s drawing cartoons or doing jigsaw puzzles, a quiet activity you can do together will bring you closer. Playing sports or video games is fun, but it doesn’t give you the same opportunity to talk or just work side by side. It doesn’t matter if you do it every night, once a week or once a month – as long as you make time (and a commitment) to enjoy it together regularly.
2. Set aside time to talk
When your child comes to tell you something, give him your full attention. That means putting down the phone, turning off the laptop, or even turning off the stove so you can face him and really listen to what he’s saying. Set aside a few minutes every day to ask what he learned at school, how his playdate went, etc. And try not to interrupt. This is his time to talk, not yours!
3. Review homework
Sitting down five nights a week to go over schoolwork shows how much you value your child’s education – and the effort she puts into it. Offer help if she needs it and give praise when she earns it. Most important, ask her to explain what she knows. She’ll feel great teaching you a thing or two.
4. Be open
Communication is a two-way street, and your child benefits from hearing your thoughts as much as you do from hearing his. Keep an open dialogue on everything from politics to personal beliefs, being honest but age-appropriate in what you say.
5. Create rituals
They can be serious or silly, but having reliable routines gives your child a sense of security and family identity. Whether it’s eating pancakes for dinner every Sunday or having pizza-and-movie night every other Friday, creating rituals shows how much you value spending time together. Later, you may hear your child saying to others, “Here’s what we do in my family.”
6. Play make-believe
Playing is so crucial to a child’s emotional and intellectual development that the United Nations’ Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights deemed it a right of every child. Sit down for a teddy-bear tea party or have a make-believe pirate sword fight in the living room. Taking part in your kids’ pretend play gives you a window into their feelings, fantasies and fears – and shows them you want to be part of their special world. Check out this make-believe playing guide for more on how to play pretend with your kids.
7. Read together
Studies show that children who grow up watching their parents read are better readers themselves. But reading to a young child – or reading the same book as your older one and then discussing it – is a way to explore the world and share ideas every day.
