Supporting Dreams…and Safety: the parent behind every Olympian

Last updated on March 12th, 2018 at 09:58 am

Michael Phelps. Missy Franklin. Ryan Lochte. These superb Olympic athletes have captured the attention and admiration of both adults and children. The difference is that adults understand full well the incredibly rare cocktail of talent, determination and drive that it takes to become an Olympian, much less ‘most decorated Olympian in history’ that Michael Phelps was just awarded. We know that it is a rare few people who will achieve this level and that for most of us, watching the elite perform is the closest we will ever get. A joy and inspiration in itself, but drastically different from being a participant.

Children, on the other hand, watch the performances and think, ‘I can do that…..what sport should I compete in during the next Olympics?’  They act out the competitions – at their local pool, using the sofa as gymnastics equipment and the front yard for the final soccer match or running track – their own Olympics, every bit as real and exciting to them as the real thing. As a parent you have a choice, burst their bubble or encourage them.

Whether your child is a non-swimmer, still flailing, or a talented competitive swimmer, take advantage of the buzz and excitement of the Olympics to encourage your child to spend more time in the water – not just regular, year-round swimming lessons, but also supervised play. Your child will not only become stronger, better coordinated for all sports (proven), and do better in school (also proven), but also safer as they understand how to act safely around water.

Olympians have one thing in common – someone who believes in them and has supported them as they have pursued their dream. Watch here for one of the best reminders I’ve seen of the importance of supporting a child’s dreams and enjoy watching the rest of the Games with your children!

Resetting Needle Phobia for Kids Who Get “Home Shots”

Last updated on March 9th, 2018 at 12:33 am

A recent post on an arthritis blog I belong to discussed a common problem, out of control needle fear. In many cases, it has grown so out of control that home shots are going to be transferred to the hospital, or effective IM medications are going to be swapped for less effective oral ones. If you’re on this path, here is a way to try to address the issue for children age 4 – 10: try a “do over”.

Kids are used to new rules being laid down, and so long as you are 100% consistent after calling a “do over” they usually adapt in one to three events. Say, OK, this isn’t working, before we decide to just do this at the hospital every time let’s make a plan for next time and you choose what you want to try. Write down the options to make the exercise super legit and read it to her or let her circle what she wants to give control.

1. Freeze spray/no freeze spray: Research shows for children under age 6 freeze spray hurts more than helps on average. We don’t recommend it.
2. Position (sitting in dad/mum’s lap, lying on side, etc): Tensing muscles makes shots worse (that’s awfully hard not to do when a child is freaking out). Since lying on the back is anxiety provoking, you can try lying on the side.
3. Entertainment or distraction so as to NOT pay attention to shot: watching TV, blowing out on a kazoo (blowing helps naturally decrease fear), etc.
4. Other sensations: take a big sip of something cold and sweet right at the moment of the shot, turn a Buzzy on and off in her hand, press Buzzy to her forehead (THAT’s a big counter stimulation) etc. (see the Buzzy story in Pediatric Safety).
5. Poke-r chips or a token economy: Decide on a prize for working on this together, a treat you’ll both get like an outing to a movie or a favorite shop. Make a goal number of chips and a value for behavior, perfect = 3, but you get 1 no matter what, that kind of thing. Assign enough chips to behaviors so it’s attainable in that magic three events, and then let her decide how well she did and how well you did. Both of you performed the plan perfectly? Three chips for you, 3 chips for her, only 4 more to go! You forgot to have the cold sweet drink nearby but otherwise did well? 2 for you, 3 for her (and you got some feedback on what was most important to her). She lost it, freaked out, had to be dragged out from under a table? Well, one chip is the lowest you can get, so 1 for her, 2 for you maybe, and the prize is still within reach. Having a tangible token is important here. (*acknowledgement to Nancy Potash of the Platelet Disorders Support Association for this Poke-r Chips pun and concept.)

With so much going on, and having a plan and feeling more in control, perhaps you can reset the fear windup. When she starts ramping up a day or so before, remind her, “No, no, this is going to be completely different, remember? We have our plan.”

Not everything works for every kid…so if you have additional solutions that worked for you, I’d love to hear them…

How to Relax the Rules for a Fun but Sane Summer

Last updated on May 17th, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Rules are made to be broken, but when it comes to summertime, many parents wonder: Which ones to break? You don’t want your home life to become a free-for-all for three months, but you also don’t want to create a police state that takes the “break” right out of summer break. So where do you redraw the lines?

“Rules are always based on need. You should rethink them based on the necessities of summer,” says educational psychologist Michelle Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. “Push the pause button and ask yourself, ‘What are the three rules we need to have during the summer?’ Don’t let it all go; just take a step backward and loosen one thing at a time.”

If you’re having a hard time letting go, Borba suggests asking yourself what memories you want to make this summer. The answer probably won’t be “no freedom” or “no fun.” Still, no matter what rules you loosen, you need to make sure you’re not so flexible that you end up creating more work and stress for yourself. After all, you need to know how to relax and have fun too!

Consider the following when rethinking the rules for the laziest days of the year. …

Remember what summer means

For kids, summer is a break from all the pressures and demands of school, activities and homework. It’s also a relief from the strict scheduling of the school year. Breakfast doesn’t have to be at 7 a.m., because there’s no 8 a.m. school bus to catch. So does it really matter if they stay up — and sleep in — an hour or two later than usual? Will your schedule allow for it? How much will it disturb your evening or morning routine?

One solution: Keep yourself sane by letting the kids stay up an extra hour, but limiting them to quiet activities in their rooms.

Consider the consequences

What will happen if you relax a given rule? For example, if you abandon the no-shoes-in-the-house rule, you’ll have a parade of flip-flops leaving trails of water, mud and grass clippings. If you let your kids watch TV before they clean up their toys, you’ll have to walk around the mess for the evening. What consequences can you live with, and which ones will drive you batty?

One solution: Choose one rule to enforce and let the other one go: So if kids still have to wear their shoes in the house, maybe let the tidy-up wait until after TV time.

View each situation separately

After making the rules, be flexible enough to break them on an as-needed basis. Weigh the benefits: If your kids are outside playing flashlight tag with the neighborhood kids, will they gain more by staying and playing or by leaving the game early to get to bed on time?

One solution: Tell kids they can stay out for an extra half-hour, but then they’ll have to come in even if the other kids don’t.

Put it on paper

Once you’ve thought of the must-have rules for summer, call a family meeting. State your expectations, but ask your kids for their input. “You can negotiate, but only let go of the rules that don’t make a difference,” says Borba. Then write down the new rules and put them up where everyone can see them. “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” says Borba. “Just make it clear.” Then, when the kids break a rule, you can just point to the paper and say nothing more.

Is Competition Hurting Your Kids?

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:19 am

Kids face more competition than ever, and that’s not always a bad thing. Competing at something they’re passionate about helps build self-esteem, motivation and persistence. The problems come when the only thing they’re passionate about is winning.

Overly competitive kids often lose their love of the activity, even if they were passionate about it to begin with. “When there’s no prize, they don’t want to do it anymore,” says Wendy S. Grolnick, psychology professor at Clark University and co-author of Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child.

And while being a winner may make kids popular (at least temporarily), being overly competitive can have the opposite effect, according to Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of The Case for the Only Child. “Kids don’t like kids who don’t share the ball,” she says. “It’s a sure way to lose friends, and it’s damaging to the team. You’re not able to be a team player if you have to be the star.”

The consequences of extreme competitiveness aren’t just social. Unchecked, it can lead to long-term problems, such as chronic stress and low self-esteem. Here’s how to ensure competition is a healthy, not harmful, experience for your kids.

1.  Change the focus.

When your kids come home from playing a game, do you automatically ask, “Who won?” Don’t. Kids hear it as “Winning is everything.” Worse yet, they think it’s how you measure their worth, according to Grolnick. “They narrow in on that: Not only is it a nice thing when I win, I’m a good person if I win. And I’m a bad person if I don’t. They think you don’t like them as much when they don’t win.” So focus on the game itself, not the outcome. Ask how the game went, who did what and how they played.

2.  Have them share, not hoard, their strength.

One way to keep competition in perspective is to encourage your kids to share their abilities with kids who aren’t as talented or skilled. Have them hold a practice session with the younger kids in the neighborhood, or offer to tutor kids in the subject they excel in. By helping others improve their performance, your kids will see that their talent has value beyond the trophy or award.

3.  Beware of stress.

For many kids, competition leads to harmful levels of stress, and neither you nor they can see it, according to Grolick. “There’s a lot of burnout in terms of sports,” she says. “It looks like they’re enjoying it, but it’s very stressful.”

Watch for the classic signs of stress: headaches, trouble sleeping, stomachache, appetite loss, and depression. A less obvious symptom: They are unable to stop pushing themselves.

4.  Don’t force competition.

Parents need to let kids find the activities they want to excel at. Pushing them to compete at something they’re not passionate about is futile, according to Newman. “You may get a surge of competitiveness, but in the long run, there’s not much you can do. Down the line they may develop their own sense of wanting to compete for things they’re passionate about.”

5.  Check your own competitiveness.

Parents who get heated up and vocal at their kids’ games send a strong, damaging, message: The thing to get passionate about is winning, not playing your best. Another bad modeling example is when you talk about your own performance in negative terms, according to Newman. When you come home from the gym, say “I lifted 5 pounds more than yesterday” rather than “I can’t even lift 20 pounds.”

“You need to focus on effort,” says Newman. When you have a positive attitude about being competitive, whether it’s against your own goals, or other people, you’ll teach your kids the meaning of positive competition.

Parents Too Plugged In? That’s What Our Kids Say

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 10:00 pm

“She’s always on her blackberry. It’s soooo annoying!”

“I hate it when he’s talking on his cell. It makes me feel sad.”

“I put a timer on the computer. When it goes off, it’s time to play with me.”

Sound familiar? After all, we do seem be complaining a lot these days about our kids’ online behavior. Except these complaints were issued by children! Yep, the kids.

Those were actual statements uttered by a group of four to seven year olds all fed up that their parents were always chatting, texting, or clicking away. And the kids sure had their reasons:

Each chat, text, or click, they said, meant less time for “Mom and me.”

Each chat, text, or click also made the kids feel like they didn’t matter to their parents. “She likes her Blackberry more than me.”

Ouch!

NBC correspondent, Kate Snow interviewed the children as part of a Dateline special entitled, “The Perils of Parenting.” I was the parenting expert in another room with the parents who watched and listened to their kids’ comments. Hidden cameras and a crew captured everything on tape. (That special aired Monday, Sept. 13, 2011).

If you’re surprised by how the kids responded, imagine their parents’ reactions. “Shocked,” “Sad,” “Guilty,” were their most frequently voiced terms.

“I had no idea it bothered my child so much,” parents told me again and again.

Though parents may be amazed by their kids’ responses, most child experts are not.

For five years Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has been analyzing how parental technology use affects kids. Her research found widespread feelings of kid hurt, jealousy, and competition – almost the exact comments the children shared on Dateline.

But the real hidden danger is that each minute we connect electronically means less face-to-face time with our kids.

Though there is no guarantee, fifty years of solid research shows that the best way to reduce risky behaviors and raise emotionally healthy kids is the strength of the parent-child relationship.

So what do you think your kids would say about your behavior? Don’t be so sure they wouldn’t express similar concerns.

Tips to Help Us Unplug and Engage More with Our Kids

Here are things you can do to make sure a plugged-in lifestyle doesn’t disengage you from your family.

Check Your Online Records to Get a Reality Check

While you may have important business obligations, make sure you’re not plugged in too much to risk crucial family interactions.

There is no rewind or retrieval button when it comes to parenting.

Do an honest assessment of your typical daily online habits.

Start by identifying specific daily times you designate for family interactions (such as your dinner hour or when your child is open to chat).

Next, check your cell phone, text, and tweet logs during those times, and add up the minutes.

How are you doing? The key, of course, is to find the balance that works for your family, and then stick to it.

Ask the Kids

Have a courageous conversation as a family. Ask flat out: “Am I too plugged in?” (And be prepared for their honest answer). Also ask questions such as: “How will you let me know you want my attention? How can we start unplugging and connecting more?” And then engage and empower the kiddos: “What suggestions do you have so we’re more unplugged?” (After all, this is the Net Generation. We might as well use their expertise. Research says the typical eight to seventeen year old is plugged in 7 and a half hours a day!)

Use Voice Mail and Alarm Features

While there are clear advantages to social networking, don’t let the ease of an online connection steal precious minutes from your family interactions. Identify those key “family moment times.” Then turn on your cell’s voice mail features. Set the alarm on your computer that alerts you as to your online length. Set features to “plug you out” at designated times.

Create “Sacred Unplugged Times”

Kids say that family meals, school activities, sporting events, and after school (pick up and welcoming connectors) are when they’re most bothered by their parents’ networking behaviors. Identify your own family’s “sacred times,” announce them to your family, post them, and then preserve them. Unplug!

Tune into Silent Signals

Kids usually don’t give flat-out requests asking us to put down our Blackberries or close those laptops, but their behavior can indicate silent wishes. Each child has a unique way of letting you know they wish you’d plug into them more, so identify your child’s signals, tune in and then plug in.

Attention getters: Acting out, ansty, clowning

Proximity: Moves in closer to you; grabs or pulls on you

Sulking: Pouting or turning inward

Annoying: Grabs your blackberry, throws something, unplugs you.

Hint: When we asked kids how do you know your parent is listening to you? The answer was always: “She looks at me eye to eye.” “He puts down what he’s doing?” “He tunes into me and not his dumb iPhone.”

Don’t Text and Drive!

If you caught the Dateline special you would have seen one very frightening segment: teens who were texting, driving and crashing – again and again. The real kicker was when teens were asked the million-dollar question: “Where did you get the idea it was okay to text and drive?” Their answer: “My parents do it all the time!” Research also verifies what teens say. We are texting and driving more than our kids, and it is sending them a potentially deadly message that it’s okay to do so. So do not text and drive. Show your teens how you turn off your cell and put it in your glove compartment the minute you get into your car – just as you expect them to do. If you absolutely must answer your cell, pull over to the side of the road and then – and only then – answer. Your kids say they are watching – and they don’t like what they see! Do you blame them?

Don’t get me wrong. There are clear advantages to Blackberries, computers, Facebook, twitter, and social networking including the biggest one: being able to spend more time with our families.

Let’s just make sure that we plug into our kids more than our Blackberries. Push the pause button every once in a while and check your online behavior. Remember, there is no rewind button when it comes to regaining family life.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.

8 Ways to Help a Shy Child

Last updated on January 31st, 2018 at 05:26 pm

Being a shy child isn’t easy – and for many parents, neither is raising one. You want your child to be happy and make friends, and when you see her hang back, your tendency is to push her into social situations. But pushing won’t give her the skills to control her shyness, according to Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., director of The Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast.

“Adults think that being outgoing should be naturally occurring, but this is not something you grow out of,” says Dr. Carducci, who has also written The Shyness Breakthrough: A Stress-Free Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun.

Here are Dr. Carducci’s tips for teaching your child to overcome insecurity and succeed in social situations.

1. Love your child for who she is, not who you want her to be.

A child who undergoes social pressure doesn’t need the added stress of feeling like a disappointment. “You don’t want her to think that because she’s a little different you don’t like her,” says Dr. Carducci.

2. Show up early and give your child a chance to warm up.

Be one of the first ones at the party so your child can acclimate slowly as guests arrive. Allow her to just sit back and observe – even if it’s uncomfortable for you. While you’re waiting, prepare her for action by helping her think of ways to approach the other kids.

3. Help build your child’s confidence one step at a time.

Invite a school friend over to your home – a comfortable environment. Next time, take them to the park or invite a third child over. The key is to build on your child’s success by introducing new social elements one by one.

4. Remind your child of past strategies and successes.

Before your child enters a social situation, look for similarities to situations he’s faced before. Remind him how he handled things that time, and show him how this upcoming encounter is not an entirely new situation.

5. Use family time to discuss and practice social skills at home.

Over dinner, talk about what your child can expect from a certain social experience in advance. Do play-date post-mortems to remind your child of her strengths and problem-solving techniques. Be sure to include her in conversation and save adult-only discussions for later.

6. Give your child a diversity of social experience.

Bring him to different public places – the supermarket, library, post office – where he can engage with other people. Have him hand over the cash or the library card. Ask him to give the mail to the postal worker instead of dropping it in the box.

7. Be involved in the lives of others where sharing occurs.

Join a volunteer project and bring your shy child with you. That way she can see people with common goals and values working together. Help out an elderly neighbor together so your child participates in acts of kindness.

8. Be social too.

“Let your child see you be outgoing – talking to people, inviting people over,” says Dr. Carducci. Just like reading in front of children helps them become readers, socializing in front of a shy child helps her overcome her insecurities and learn the social skills she needs.

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