How to Talk to Your Kids About…Drugs

Last updated on December 7th, 2012 at 10:32 am

Regardless of where we live, or the age of our children, at some point, they are going to be exposed to, or hear about drugs.

Remember…

1. Unless we take the time to help our children sort through all the messages they are receiving, what they think about drugs can end up being far from the truth.
2. We need to understand what drugs can do and what drugs are out there in front of our children.
3. We must start talking to our children when they are young, preschool age. We can’t think about conversations about drugs as a one-time event with our children. It must be an ongoing conversation.

When we talk we need to…

• Be open and do not exaggerate.
• Look at your child in the eye when you talk.
• Not interrupt or preach when your child is talking or asking questions. Listen at least as much as you talk.
• Assure them that you love them and want them to be healthy and have a happy life.

Then…

Use everyday situations to start conversations about drugs. Things you see on TV, hear on the radio in music, see in movies or things their friends might say and do. Even when you give young children medicine for a cold, it is a good opportunity to talk about drugs.

Role play. Act out situations that your child might encounter concerning drugs, and don’t forget prescription drugs.  Now I know this can be tricky so we’re going to spend a little more time on how to discuss the “use vs. abuse of legal drugs” in another post later on. But for now, see if you can come up with several real-life examples where you could see your child encountering drugs and try to practice more than one way they could handle each situation.

Know your children’s friends and their parents. Know what they are doing and where they are going. Be involved in their lives and support them in their activities.

Keep your conversations age appropriate. Kids have a hard time understanding “cancer when you are older.” Stick to things they can relate to. “Drugs make it hard for you to play baseball because you can’t think straight or run fast.”

Just because you talk to your child about drugs, doesn’t mean they are more likely to take drugs. So…get talking.

Spend time doing things together as a family and one-on-one. Shared experiences provide non-threatening opportunities for communication, building trust and strengthening relationships.

If your child asks if you ever did drugs, what do you say?

Focus your response on your child and what has prompted them to ask. Most likely it is because they have been faced with a situation involving drugs. You then have a few options.

• If you say “no” your child might argue, “then how do you know they are bad”? Assure them that you don’t always have to try something to know it is bad. Such as grabbing a saw while it is running. You don’t need to touch it to know it will cut you. Share experiences when you said “no”, and the positive consequences that came as a result.
• If you say “yes”, that doesn’t mean you have to tell your kids everything. The most important thing, if you are going to say “yes” is to assure your children that it was a VERY BIG MISTAKE and you wish you had never done it. Tell them about the negative consequences so they understand it was not a good choice.

There is no way around it. If we want to arm our children with the tools they need to “just say no”, we have to have start the conversations when they are young, and have them often.

The Power of No – The Best Gift You’ll Give This Year

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 04:47 pm

’Tis the season for kids to plead, beg and whine for Barbies, Xboxes and iPods. But you don’t have to grant every wish — and more importantly, you shouldn’t. “Hearing ‘no’ helps kids learn to cope with the disappointment and frustrations that are part of everyday life,” says educational psychologist Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

It also makes your job as a parent easier.

“When kids understand that your ‘no’ means ‘no,’ they’re less likely to keep pushing your buttons. It will actually improve your relationship,” says Borba. Here’s how to say no to your kids while sending positive messages.

Set Parameters

Some gift ideas will be automatically off-limits if they’re unsafe, over your holiday budget or not in line with your family values (toy guns, for example). To avoid an unnecessary power struggle, write your family rules — and explain them — before your kids create their wish lists.

Stay Firm

“The average kid whines to a parent nine times, and the ninth time, the parent gives in,” says Borba. “But if you always keep your word, you’ll ultimately say no less because your kids will know that you mean business.”

Give Guidelines

After your kids circle 36 toys in the holiday catalog, ask them to narrow it down. For younger kids, you might give a number limit; for older ones, a price ceiling. “When you prompt kids to think things through, they begin to prioritize and realize what they truly want,” says Borba. “You’re teaching life skills here — decision-making, prioritizing, respecting boundaries and, for older kids, money management.”

Offer Choices

Children like to feel they have power and autonomy. Use this to your advantage to soften a “no” answer. Choose two acceptable alternative toys and let him choose. For example, “I’m not a fan of the shoot-’em-up video games, but if you want, you could get the racing game or the discovery game. Which would you prefer?”

Nix the ‘No’ Word

Prevent “no” fatigue by coming up with different phrases — especially if they tickle your child’s funny bone. You might say “ix-nay,” “that’s just cuckoo” or “survey says: ehhhh!” Try using a silly accent to turn potential pouts into smiles and giggles.

When you start thinking of “no” as positive rather than negative, you’ll realize the power that it — and you — have over your kids’ whining and wheedling. Consider it a present to yourself.

How to Talk to Your Kids About…Friendship

Last updated on October 1st, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Although some children naturally handle friendship better than others, all kids need to be taught, and practice friendship skills. Kids grow into these skills and need help from parents and other adults to learn the rules of friendship.

How can we help our children learn these key skills?

Talk to your child about what makes a good friend. Kids don’t always know what it means to be a good friend. Make a friendship list with all the qualities of a good friend. Have them tell you what they think makes a good friend. Keep the list close and talk to your child about trying to be that kind of friend. Some possibilities to consider for your list:

Good friends have much in common. They are…

• Helpful to others
• Positive and Kind
• Have the ability to share
• Can keep confidences
• Listen to others’ thoughts and ideas
• Accept mistakes
• Are good winners and losers
• Can hold a conversation
• Give and receive compliments

Role Play, Role Play, Role Play

Talk through scenarios like:

• What do you do if you want to play with a group of friends who are already playing together? You observe first and then join in without interrupting or being pushy.
• What if you ask a friend to play and they say “no”.
• How would you feel if someone was mean to you?

This prepares your child for situations they are certain to face and teaches them empathy for others.

How to Talk to Your Kids About…Bullying

Last updated on August 1st, 2012 at 11:13 am

With a new school year quickly approaching, now is the perfect time to talk to your children about bullying.

All of our children will be faced with confrontation. Whether it is in school, their neighborhood, college, work, even in marriage, as they are older. It is important to prepare them to deal with confrontation now.

• Start talking to your children when they are young. When appropriate, find ways to bring up the subject of bullying so conversations can ensure.
• Don’t just talk, listen. Our children will drop little hints when there are bullying problems. We will miss the cues if we don’t actively listen to what they are saying.
• Role-play with your children. THIS IS A MUST! Give your children different scenarios and teach them how to handle the situations. (“What do you do if someone calls you a name…takes your backpack…etc)”. Answers to these questions are going to be slightly different for each family, depending on how you want to handle things in your own house. There are some things about the answers that will be the same:

• Responses should be confident, direct, and void of emotion. (Emotion conveys weakness). Children should speak with their bodies as well as their mouths. Shoulders back, standing straight and tall, using a firm voice.
  • Instead of “…that hurts my feelings… the response should be “…knock it off”.
  • Instead of “I don’t like that…the response should be…quit it”
• So much of successful response to bullying is in the delivery. Practice directness, confidence, and strong body language.
• Go through each situation and teach them what to say and do. It will empower them, and when they are faced with bullying they wont be as intimidated because they will have had experience and practiced what to do. They will know just how to respond if necessary. This also gives your family the opportunity to teach your morals and values when handling these types of situations.

• Talk to your children about conflict resolution. Talk to them about managing their anger, communicating, compromise and being patient. This is done through role-play and everyday situations. As conflict happens in your home between siblings, use it to teach. Be sure that as adults, we are being good examples of conflict resolution also.
• Talk to your children about violence. Fighting is not the answer. Teach your children that it is not okay to fight, UNLESS there is a need to stand up for them selves in self-defense. They should know that if they need to defend themselves because they are being, or going to be physically attacked, then they do. And, that if they do have to fight in self-defense that you will understand and not get mad at them because things turned physical.
• Talk to your children about empathy. We need to teach our kids to try to understand other’s points of view and to feel compassion towards others. We need to be good examples and demonstrate empathy ourselves.

Research teaches us that helping our children build their self-confidence is one the best defenses against bullying. By talking to our children about conflict and role-playing challenging situations, we can build our children’s self confidence so they feel more prepared when faced with bullying

How to Talk to Your Kids About…Lying

Last updated on May 30th, 2012 at 11:56 am

Most kids at some point in time, will tell a lie. As a parent, handling the situation correctly will help put a stop to the lying before it turns into a habit.

When your child tells a lie…

• Don’t yell, raise your voice, or overreact. Stay calm. Overreacting will scare your child and they will be afraid to come and tell you the truth next time. If your child knows you are going to stay calm, they are more likely to tell the truth.
• Don’t call your child a liar, or accuse them of lying. Accusing will make them feel trapped and make things worse. Instead of ‘I know you broke the window”, say…”Looks like there was an accident, do you need some help cleaning things up, what happened”.
• Only talk about the facts. Stick to the things you saw or heard firsthand. “I can see the blinds are broken, please tell the truth, what happened?” Or, “your coach told me a different version. Please tell the truth.”

Enforce consequences

When your child lies, there should be a reasonable consequence. Help them understand that there are in fact two sets of consequences. A consequence when you do something wrong AND another for lying…and make the consequence fit the crime.

For example: maybe your child cheats on a test and then lies about it. Two sets of consequences….

1. They have to right the wrong by telling the teacher they cheated, and deal with whatever consequences come from the teacher.
2. For lying, they lose a privilege, such as not going out with friends for two weeks. If they hadn’t lied, you might be comfortable just expecting them to write the wrong by telling the teacher they cheated.

Help them to understand why lying is bad

Beyond just the immediate consequences for their actions, it is important to help our children understand why lying is wrong. Explain to your child that when we lie we get into trouble. Lying will also give us and our families a bad reputation, and it hurts other people. Others will not want to be your friend and they won’t be able to trust you when you lie.

We should also talk to our children about our own “honesty policy”. Make it clear that in your home you will always tell them the truth, and you expect them to always do the same.

Above all, we need to demonstrate honesty in all WE do as parents, and be sure to praise our children when they tell the truth.

Kids and Alcohol – An “Inappropriate” Subject?

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 11:18 am

My nine-year old son, Elliott, recently had another “inappropriate” incident at school. If you read my post from December 9, 2011 entitled, It’s Important to Explain Why “That’s Inappropriate!” you’ll know that I feel this term has become something of an excuse for avoiding challenging discussions with kids in our care. That said, sometimes it’s not obvious how best to handle some of the things our kiddos say and do – and there’s always a learning opportunity in these experiences….

This time the inappropriate statement took place during library period. The fourth-grade class was having a learning session with the librarian and ideas on how to be useful and good to others were being exchanged. As my son put it, they were discussing “how not to be lazy and just sit around playing video games all day.” So what did my bundle of joy offer up?…

“Well, you could do something nice for your parents – like get them some nice steaks and a bottle of wine for dinner.”

Hmmm…a lovely sentiment…doing something nice for your parents. But there’s just the small complication that he’s clearly under the legal drinking age – so can’t purchase alcohol, and probably shouldn’t even be handling it. This idea quickly breaks down in the implementation phase!

If only the librarian had focused on the sentiment – and the funny side – of his comment, then things might have ended there. Instead she told him “that’s inappropriate!” and proceeded to complain to his homeroom teacher and the school’s Assistant Principal….sheesh!

Now I volunteer at my son’s school library, and I really like the librarian. Nevertheless, I have to admit….I was mad! Do I wish my nine-year-old son had suggested something else – something less…controversial? Absolutely yes! But there was no way I was going to call him to account for this. His intention was good – and he didn’t really do anything wrong. If the librarian had praised his sentiment but emphasized that it wasn’t legal for kids to carry this out – and why such laws exist – it might have been a great teachable moment. Instead, he was just made to feel badly for a situation he didn’t fully appreciate.

You see, his comment has to be taken in context – cultural context. Our home and family has a strong European orientation. My husband is first-generation American. Both his parents are from Europe – and most of his relatives still live across the pond. Additionally, we both spent a decade of our early adult years living and working in Europe. With that background, we share an interest in good wines paired with a nice dinner – or a glass of aged port with cheese. We also hold mulled wine parties in the depths of winter, and I cook with wine – in risotto or to make reductions for beef tenderloin.

Consequently, wine – alcohol – is a fairly common presence in our house. That said, we have family members who don’t drink alcohol and we always provide plenty of non-alcoholic beverages at parties. We also have a local college student as a regular babysitter and “adopted” family member – and we were careful not to serve her wine with dinner until she turned 21. My thought was always that demonstrating moderate and responsible alcohol use at home was better than making alcohol a taboo subject.

Nevertheless, this incident got me thinking. Elliott has had several educational sessions throughschool about the dangers of cigarettes and he’s very attuned to the risks of smoking and even second-hand smoke. However, his school has not held any sessions about the nature and risks of alcohol. Maybe just demonstrating responsible use of alcohol isn’t enough? Does he even understand why kids and young adults are restricted from purchasing and consuming alcohol? To better tackle this issue I did some research and found a useful resource from the National Institutes for Health or NIH (an agency of the US Department of Health and Human services and one of the world’s leading medical research organizations) called Make a Difference – Talk to Your Child about Alcohol. Interestingly, the booklet is aimed at parents of children aged 10-14. Since my son is about to turn 10, I guess this isn’t too early to start broaching the topic of alcohol – especially since the NIH states that “parents have the greatest influence on their child’s values and decisions about drinking before he or she begins to use alcohol.” And given that 20% of eighth graders in a national survey reported drinking alcohol within the previous month and 17% said they had gotten drunk in the previous year, there’s no time to waste.

So, we’ve started our talks about drinking. Sure enough, Elliott didn’t have a full appreciation of the nature of alcohol or the risks involved in drinking. And he wasn’t entirely sure why I was bringing this up. But we’re making progress, and at least we’re communicating about a difficult subject – and not just labeling it “inappropriate.”

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