Tips for How a Child Can Stop Bullying Others

Last updated on June 24th, 2015 at 02:42 pm

Editor’s Note: When it come to bullying, information is normally provided for children who are bullying victims. Here is information for a child who is the bully, but may want to stop and doesn’t know how.

Warning Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied …And What To Do

Last updated on March 2nd, 2018 at 01:34 pm

REALITY CHECK: Research finds that 49 percent of kids say they’ve been bullied at least once or twice during the school term, but only 32 percent of their parents believed them. 

One study found that one out of every four children will be bullied by another youth in school this month. If your child is bullied, it means that peers are intentionally causing him pain. Reports also confirm that bullying is starting at younger ages and is more frequent, intense, and more aggressive that ever.

I have worked in hundreds of schools to reduce bullying. My proposal to stop school violence was passed into California law in 2005 (SB1667). We know that bullying can not only be reduced but also prevented. We also know that a mere one-time school assembly or lesson on bullying is ineffective. Posters on walls or campaigns to stop bullying, while a first step, do little to turn around aggressive behaviors and eliminate this behavior.

What does work to reduce bullying: Consistent, unwavering commitment by a group of adults to turn aggressive behaviors around, rebuild empathy, and changing a school culture. I’ll address my own 6 R’s to Reduce Bullying, but my purpose today is to help you learn to spot the signs that your child may be bullied.

Do know that if your child is bullied chances are he or she did NOTHING to cause it. The bottom line: bullying behavior must be taken very seriously and in most cases an adult must be there for a victim to advocate for him or her, create a safety plan, offer solace, rebuild self-esteem and teach new habits.

Your first step to helping your son or daughter is to know the warning signs that your child may be bullied and needs your support. If your child complains of being taunted, picked on, or threatened by a peer, please take him seriously. Unfortunately, however, chances are that if your child is bullied, he won’t tell you. He may be embarrassed, doesn’t want you to be involved in the situation  or feel you won’t take him seriously. So watch for the changes in your child’s typical behavior.

Signs and Symptoms of Bullying  (pg. 324 The Big Book of Parenting Solutions)

• Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes, or torn clothing
• Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
• Afraid to be left alone: doesn’t want to go to school; afraid of riding the school bus; wants you there at dismissal, suddenly clingy
• Suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely
• Marked changed in typical behavior or personality
• Physical complaints; headaches, stomachaches, frequent visits the school nurse’s office
• Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting
• Begins bullying siblings or younger kids
• Waits to get home to use the bathroom
• Ravenous when he comes home (lunch money or lunch may be stolen)
• Sudden and significant drop in grades; difficulty focusing and concentrating

Your first step is to calmly listen to your kid and gather details. Let your child know you are always available to listen and will be there anytime to help him feel safe. And please do not promise your child you will keep this a secret. Chances are your child will need help from an adult and may not be able to handle the bully on his own.

If you suspect your child is bullied and the measures could affect his physical or emotional well-being, do not wait. Your child’s l safety may be at stake. Also, do not assume this is a phase which will go away. Bullying is almost always a repeated behavior and bullies generally choose their targets and continue to prey. 

If the bullying offense is serious in nature, find out WHERE and WHEN the bullying incidents happen. Hint: Bullying usually happens in the same locations, 120 feet away from a building and where adult supervision is least. Tell your child to avoid “hot spot” areas such as bathrooms, the edges of playgrounds, behind stairwells, lockers, and the back of the bus.

Set up an appointment immediately with the teacher, counselor, coach, or principal. Demand to know what they plan to do to keep your child safe. Then monitor, monitor, monitor.  If you do not get help, go up the “ladder” and meet with the superintendent, board, or if necessary the school board. In some cases you may need to remove your child from the school.

Bottom line: Bullying is serious and has severe emotional consequences to our children’s self-esteem. We are seeing that in some cases bullying can lead to bullycide (a victim who commits suicide).

Enough!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is available at amazon.com

6 Week Parent Check-Up: 4 Areas Not to Miss for School Success

Last updated on May 24th, 2018 at 05:21 pm

Four crucial–and sometimes overlooked–areas that affect learning and how to check them to see how your child is doing. Parenting advice and simple tips I shared on the TODAY show to help your child have a more successful school year

The honeymoon period is over and the school year is in full swing. At this point most parents have a good idea about how their children get along with the teacher and which subjects are hard or easy. But school success is more than just our kids’ opinions about homework, and in our fast-paced lives we can overlook other important areas that affect our children’s learning.

Checking up on those four crucial areas could identify any issues, resolve any problems, and even make the rest of your child’s school year go far smoother. Think of it like your child’s regular doctor check-up, except this one is no cost, doesn’t take as much times, you never have to leave your home and involves your child’s education. There’s no better time than right now to check-up and check-in with your child’s school progress.  Here are the four core areas of your child’s education you should assess for school success.

Four-Part Parent Back-to-School Check-Up

Part 1. ACADEMICS: How is your child handling the school load?

Don’t wait to be shocked on that first report card! Now is the time to zero in and find out if your child needs a tutor, a class change, or just needs to hit those books harder.

Grades: Most school’s have a website service parents where parents can review their child’s grades, test scores and absences. Register for that service (it’s free), and then use it at least once a week. And let your child know you’re checking up (you just may see a sudden change in his motivation). If you see a dip in grades or test scores, it’s time for a serious chat with your child. If the problem continues, set up a conference with the teacher to see if this is a learning problem, inappropriate class not at the child’s ability, a tutor is needed or your child needs to study more.

Missing school notes: Being involved in your child’s education is essential, but to do so you have to make sure you’re receiving all school correspondences. Important notes about upcoming conferences, open houses or school projects often end up at the bottom of those backpacks, so now is a great time to have your child to empty his backpack and clean it. If you find missing forms, then set aside “Note Catcher Box” (a basket, tin) in a convenient spot near the front door. Then set a new rule: the minute your kid walks in the door, he opens his backpack and puts any school correspondence in the box. You can check it later, sign it, and then put it back that backpack.

Part 2. SOCIAL: How is your child getting along with others?

Pals play an enormous part of our kids’ self-esteem, and research finds that who our kids befriend can affect their study habits and their overall academic success and feelings of security. While kids don’t need lots of friends they do need at least one loyal buddy. A lack of friends, rejection or bullying makes concentrating on those school assignments a lot harder.

Friend problems: The two places where kids are most likely to be excluded are in the cafeteria or school playground. A quick way to find out if your child has a pal is to ask him to draw a map of the cafeteria or playground, and then mark where he usually sits or plays. Next ask him to mark where the other kids sit or play. Does he have pals? Worry if your child has no friends. If you see a pattern, dig further and then contact the teacher for his or her perspective.

Cyber-bullying: Electronic bullying via internet, cell, text, email or web is escalating. A quick way to find out your child’s online presence is to Google your child’s first and last name and determine how many hits come up. If you see a growing presence it could be a sign of cyber-bullying. Watch especially when your child receives a text or email. If he looks jumpy, worried or covers up the computer, monitor closer. And regardless, now is a great time to review Internet safety rules and change your child’s password.

Bullying: Peer cruelty is a growing problem and usually happens where there is least adult supervision. Hot spots include bathrooms, cafeterias, the corners of the playground, the back of the bus, lockers, and hallways. So ask: “Where are places you or the other kids try to stay away from because you don’t feel as safe?” Is your child avoiding certain spots? Does he run home to use the bathroom? (Forty-three percent of students are afraid to use the school restroom). Heading to fridge famished might be because his lunch money is stolen. If so, develop a safety plan for your child, monitor daily and report your concerns to the school.

Part 3. EMOTIONAL: How is your child handling stress and that activity load?

According to a new poll from the University of Michigan, childhood stress is now a top-5 concern for parents, and 56% of parents believe it’s getting worse. Stress affects our kids’ learning and their ability to concentrate.

Activity overload: A survey published by KidsHealth.org found that 41 percent of children aged nine to thirteen said they feel stressed most or all of the time because they have too much to do. Nearly 80 percent wished they had more free time. Watch out! Overscheduled kids run the risk of stress-related illnesses. Now is the time to sit down with your child and look at her weekly schedule and all those extra activities. Is there one thing that could be cut to free up time and give your child a chance to decompress? Cutting just one thing can make a difference.

Stress: Have you seen a marked change since school began from your child’s “normal” behavior that lasts everyday for at least two weeks. For instance: Is your child more irritable or withdrawn lately? Have trouble concentrating or have more headaches? Is he quicker to frustrate? If so, could it be stress related? Identify your child’s stress triggers. Reduce those triggers that you can (like that scary shows or too difficult of a math class). Watch also conflict at home, which can spill over into kids’ school life. Find ways to de-stress with your kids and help him learn to decompress.

Part 4. PHYSICAL: How is your child’s health?

Don’t overlook your child’s physical health, which is critical to learning and overall school success. Reoccurring headaches or illnesses are often school related.

Sleep deprived: A lack of sleep can have a serious impact on children’s abilities to learn and perform at school. Missing just one hour of sleep can be enough to reduce a child’s cognitive abilities by almost two years the next day. Is your child waking up refreshed and ready to go or are you playing Big Ben to try and get him out of bed. If the later, make sure bedtimes are kept to a routine schedule. Turn off the computer and television at least 30 minutes prior to bedtime. Take away the cell phones during nighttime hours (62% of kids admit they use it after the lights go out and their parents are clueless). Avoid caffeinated sleep stealers like cold medications, chocolate, or energy-drinks.

Skipped breakfasts: Tune into those breakfasts dishes to check what your child is eating –or not eating. A healthy breakfast is important for concentrating and keeping up with the stamina. If mornings are rushed and your kid is missing that crucial first meal, think of healthy simple options that your kids can grab on the run like ready-to-go bottles of orange juice or milk, low-fat yogurt, apples and whole-grain English muffins.

The secret is to identify one thing that may affect your child’s learning success. Then find a simple solution that works for your family and commit to implementing it until you reap positive change. And make sure you get to your child’s school Open House!

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has recently been released and is now available at amazon.com

Bullying & Students with Special Needs – Defend the Defenseless

Last updated on March 3rd, 2018 at 10:26 am

There have been so many horrible stories about bullying in the news lately. It makes me wonder why there was no media coverage when it happened to me and my friends back in the day. I hope it is a sign that our civilization is becoming more aware of the issue.

Individuals with special-needs are especially vulnerable to bullying, according to Starr Taxman of Starr Taxman Children’s Advocacy and Investigative Services. She is also a mother of three, and two of her children have special needs. Starr is also a sought-after speaker on the topic of bullying and interventions that help stop it.

Evidence supports Starr’s position: A 2008 report in the British Journal of Support holds that while 25% of the general student population reported being bullied, the number among students with special needs was 60% – and remember, that is only accounting for what the students reported – or were able to report!

Often people with special needs are unable to communicate traditionally, so they may not be able to explain what is happening. This was the case with Kathy Coleman’s 31-year-old non-verbal son with autism. He was able to communicate that he feared his caregiver, and his observant mom saw bruises on him, so she put hidden cameras in his room at the care facility. She was shocked at what she captured on film, and also at the facility’s reaction – to try to destroy the evidence!  Naturally she is suing, and her son is no longer living there.

Even in paradise, bullying rears its ugly head. Recently at a school in Hawaii a 5-year-old boy with autism was being beaten up by a group of 5th graders. The young boy was reportedly down on the ground in a fetal position! A super-brave 2nd grade girl named Eileen Parkman stepped up and told the boys what they were doing wasn’t right. She was then beaten herself, and also became a target at the school. After several bullying incidents she transferred, but she has won the Maui Autism Center’s bravery award for being a “Defender of the defenseless.” On his Facebook page, Eileen’s father has thanked everyone for their support of Eileen because it helps her to hear that she did the right thing. As if that was ever a question??? What kind of world has this become???

The Bully Project has some great resources, including a special section about students with special needs. Their website includes clips from the award-winning film Bully and there are downloadable materials available. Students with disabilities have legal rights, and many situations go beyond bullying and into the legal area of harassment.

Peer advocacy is a great deterrent to bullying, so be sure to teach all your children – typical and those with special needs – to stand up for themselves and for each other.

My Child Has Been Bullying Someone Online – What Now?

Last updated on September 24th, 2012 at 01:27 am

Learning that your child has been cyberbullying another child can be overwhelming. Emotions like shock, denial, embarrassment are normal, but they need to be set aside as your focus should be on doing everything in your power to rectify the situation and help your child learn from their mistake.

There are three important factors to consider when doing this. First, action needs to be taken on your child’s part to set things right. Second, there needs to be a discussion between you and your child about the consequences of cyberbullying—they are very real and potentially very serious. And third, there are some steps you can take at home to help prevent this from happening again.

Helping your child apologize:

1. A face-to-face apology to the victim and his/her parents is much more meaningful than a phone call or email. I recommend accompanying your child when they do this.
2. If other children were involved in the same cyberbullying incident, then you and your child should alert the other parents so they can respond appropriately.
3. Your child should delete the offensive material that was shared online and replace it with an apologetic comment.

Discussing the consequences of cyberbullying:

1. While cyberbullying laws vary by state and school district, a cyberbullying offense has the potential to result in academic expulsion. If the case is severe, misdemeanor or felony charges could apply, potentially ruining your child’s chances of getting into college or landing a job in the future.
2. If your child is a minor, you may find yourself sued for libel due to your child’s online actions.
3. In the end, knowing the consequences can help your child learn valuable life lessons.

Five ways to prevent this from happening again:

1. Limit the amount of time your child spends online, and when necessary take breaks from technology altogether. Remember, a steady balance of indoor and outdoor activity is essential to a healthy mind.
2. Invest in parental monitoring software. This can be a great way to stay aware of concerning activity on their computer or smartphone. A lot of software products push information to you in real-time, allowing you to be proactive versus reactive.
3. Implement a family technology contract. This will help your children have a clear understanding of the rules related to their use of technology, and consequences for breaking those rules.
4. Remind your child that it is never, ever okay to be disrespectful, hurtful or mean to another person, online or offline.
5. Finally, give your child a hug. Remind them how much you love them. Let them know your first job is to be their parent and that you’re there to help them learn from their mistakes.

Answers Parents Need to 5 Challenging Back-to-School Questions

Last updated on May 30th, 2017 at 09:59 pm

A while back the TODAY show offered parents the opportunity to call, email or skype in parenting questions about their children’s education. I appeared as the TODAY parenting contributor along with a fabulous high school chemistry teacher from Los Angeles and an incredible principal from the Baltimore area. The Today Show website was flooded with queries, but there were five the producers chose to be answered live because they were asked so frequently by parents.  Here are my answers:

1. What do you do if your child’s teacher turns your child off from learning?

Most kids complain about a teacher, but if your kid isn’t a complainer, has legitimate and serious complaints that could jeopardize his learning, set up a teacher conference. Don’t rush to judgment but start on a positive note. Describe your concern, and then ask what two of you can do to solve it. (Use “we” more than “you” – you’re more likely to get a more helpful response). Then wait a week and see if there is any change. If there is no resolution and your child’s, persist. Go up the chain of command: principal, superintendent, to the school board. You may have to switch schools, but a toxic teacher can hinder your child’s education not only that year but start a lifelong spiral of defeat.

2. How do you know when to worry about your child’s learning? How do I know if my child has a learning disability?

If a child is really struggling (usually in math, reading or speech), just doesn’t get it, and is falling below his potential, abilities or peers it may be a learning disability. Talk to their teacher, and request an assessment for a possible Individual Education Plan (I.E.P.). If you’re not successful, make a written request to the site administrator. A learning disability is not a phase or something the child outgrows. If not treated early, things can snowball: your child gets further behind, his self-esteem plummets and behavior problems can result. Also, know that if the child is tested privately, you may pay – make sure school district accepts test results.

3. Your child is being exposed violence and sex at school that you never expected. How do you prepare them and yourself for the grittier parts of life?

Kids are exposed to R-rated issues at younger ages so get savvy and prepare yourself so you can prepare your kid. Talk to other parents. And eavesdrop on his friend’s conversations. (Carpooling is a great way to get that info!). Kids do need guidance to make sense out of usually false information as well as a sounding board to handle tougher issues like bullying and violence and sex. Tips:

• Begin from the get-go by keeping an open dialogue with your child so he will come to you. You can then make sure that you give him information that is geared to his level of understanding.
• Do believe your child. Kids say they told us “tough stuff” when they were younger, but then stopped when we responded with an “I don’t believe it” attitude.
• Teach your child the difference between Reporting (trying to keep someone out of trouble) and Tattling (trying to get someone in trouble) in case there is bullying or violence. You and your child should know how to report threats to your school (and please take threats seriously 75% of kids before they commit homicide, suicide or violent act tell a peer. Kids are our best safety net.
• Don’t ever promise your child you won’t tell – you may have to step in and report.

4. How much should I rely on my child’s guidance counselor?

A little reality check here: the average student–counselor high school ratio varies from 400 to 1,250[i] so you must be proactive. Go to every one of those open houses and always stop by and meet the guidance counselor at least once a year. Once there, clarify your teen’s educational aspirations early whether it is Ivy League to Junior College. Different courses have different values at different universities and you must ensure that your child is on the right course track. You also may want to tell the counselor that you do not want your teen changing courses without your permission. Teens do that often and there’s a rude awakening when your child is minus a key class. You want to make sure that counselor’s skills match your teen’s needs. You can request another counselor from the principal if you don’t think his or her needs or being met. There are also outside educational consultants but do know they can be pricey.

5. Should I push my teen into that challenging AP classes when he balks?

This is always a tough call but three things help you make the right decision:

• Previous history:  Take into account the child’s past grade in subject as well as the teacher or counselor recommendation. Do they feel your child is capable?
• Kid’s view:  Listen to the kid’s “why not” factor to help you determine if there is “just cause for not taking the class. Hear him out. There may be another reason besides “It’s too hard.”
• Check your expectations:  Ensure your expectations match your child’s actual abilities. Think of a rubber band: the right expectations stretch your child’s potential without snapping his spirit.

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[i] Guidance and School Counseling – A Brief History of School Guidance and Counseling in the United States 

[i] Counselor ratio of 1-to-250 is recommended by the American School Counselor Association;

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is now available at amazon.com.

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