Making and keeping friends is a central part of entering school. Teaching your child pro-social friendship skills is a valuable part of your relationship with your children.
Where do you begin?
A few great books have been written on friendship skills. Ones from the American Girls library include: Friends: Making them and keeping them; The Feelings Book, and Stand Up For Yourself and Your Friends. For middle school children and teens Queen Bees and Wanna Bees is a must-read for parents. Middle School Confidential by Annie Fox is a practical skills based book for middle schoolers. For parents who wish to coach their teens to health and wellness, The Parent as Coach by Diana Sterling is amazing for parents of teens.
Healthy friendship skills begin with confidence and self-respect. Children who have self-esteem are able to be kind, share, and include others in their friendship circles.
Knowing your own social style and what is unique about your child is another fine starting point. Emphasizing that everyone is different and we are all special in our own ways enhances acceptance and tolerance among children.
Here are a few, little discussed, tips on helping your children develop their friendship skills.
As young as age four you can begin to help your child discover his or her personal style. What kind of child is yours? Help her see that she is bright, funny, articulate, caring or thoughtful. Teach her how to recognize positive social skills in others so she chooses skillful friends who are likely to share her values.
In order to help your child see when she is using pro-social friendship skills, comment specifically on what your child does in her friendships that shows she cares. “When Jose hurt his arm and you offered to sit with when he could not play, that was a kind thing to do.” “Offering your sister your sweater at the skating rink when she was cold was a thoughtful thing to do.”
Teach your child to observe the behavior of others non-judgmentally in a manner that helps her to see how other people behave. Talk with her about how other people respond to that behavior.
As your child gets older help her develop the ability to observe the impact of her behavior on others.
Giving your children the words and actions to: a. enter into and exit social groups, b. include other people in their group and c. recognize what characteristics your child wants in his or her friends is invaluable.
Talk with your children about what makes a good friend. Write a short story or a book on what one does to show respect, integrity and honesty. If there is a school-mate who criticizes others or mocks others, that is not a friend you wish for your child to choose as a close mate. Draw distinctions between kids who are willing to lift one another up and those who desire to feel powerful by cutting others down.
Here are some sample social skills you might wish to introduce to your children one skill as a time.
Role-play with your children, create positive conversations with your children and teach them the importance of learning these skills.
Sample List of Skills
• Accepting “No”
• Accepting Consequences
• Apologizing
• Arguing Respectfully
• Asking a Favor
• Asking Questions
• Being a Good Listener
• Being in a Group Discussion
• Conversational Skills
• Declining an Invitation
• Expressing Empathy
• Following Rules
• Good Sportsmanship
Developing friendship skills can be fun. So practice, play and enjoy with your children. Friendships will follow.
This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice by thousands of families worldwide. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world.
Joey is a seven year old referred by his pediatrician because he has difficulty paying attention in school. His mind wanders, he responds to his teacher’s questions in class with “What, I don’t know,” and he is a bit self-conscious about his declining grades. Joey is a super sweet little boy, he does not squirm in his seat, bother other kids or anger the teacher. She simply wonders, “Why is he always day-dreaming?”
The answer, as pediatric neuropsychologist Dr. Paul Beljan says is, “Joey’s boss is out.” Here’s “ADHD and Executive Function: When the boss is out” a blog-talk-radio episode on the boss in Joey’s brain.
Joey’s boss resides in the frontal lobes of the brain. His boss is in charge of the executive functions that help him to preview, plan, think, inhibit, organize and execute tasks of daily living. I call this area of the brain “The Thinker.” You can read all about The Caveman and The Thinker here in The Family Coach Method.
Let’s learn a little about what are executive functions, how do we assess them and how do we improve them?
What is Executive Function and why does it matter?
The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one’s resources in order to achieve a goal. Executive functions are the neurologically-based skills involving mental control and self-regulation.
Executive functions take place in the frontal lobes, specifically the neocortex of the brain. If you’ve never heard of an executive function that’s no surprise yet, you use them every day. When you get up, choose your outfit, make your bed, make your coffee and plan your day, you are using your executive functions. Planning, organizing, holding information in your immediate memory, inhibiting your behavior, making good choices and managing your emotions are all activities mediated by executive function.
Let’s look at a description of a few executive functions. Think about yourself, your spouse and children. How do you see these functions evident in the behavior of those you care about? What might you, your child or spouse need more of?
Executive Functions
Inhibition – The ability to stop one’s own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity; if you have weak ability to stop yourself from acting on your impulses, then you are “impulsive.”
Cognitive Shift – The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation.
Emotional Control (self-regulation) – The ability to modulate emotional responses by managing one’s feelings. I call this using one’s thinker to manage one’s caveman.
Initiation – The ability to begin a task or activity. This includes the ability to independently generate ideas, appropriate responses and useful problem-solving strategies.
Working memory – The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task. Working memory is what you are using right now as you read this article. You are holding the information in memory and thinking about it.
Planning/Organization – The ability to identify, plan and manage current and future task demands.
Organization of Materials – The ability to create order in work, play and storage spaces.
Self-Monitoring – The ability to monitor one’s own internal feelings and performance in order to manage one’s thought, behavior and feelings.
We can improve executive function through a variety of activities. Play is a modality I often use.
As I sit and play with a child I teach them how to approach the play environment, how to choose, arrange and interact with toys, art or play materials. I teach the children that every activity has a beginning, middle and end. We begin a task, participate in the task or activity and then end the experience by putting materials away and making a conscious choice regarding what we will play next. Managing our feelings, body space, speed of movement and impulsivity are also well-addressed through play.
Brain Training is also another modality of executive function enhancement. Cognitive training or brain training consists of a variety of exercises designed to help improve functioning in areas such as sustaining attention, thinking before acting, visual and auditory processing, listening, reading – areas in which ADHD individuals often experience difficulties.
Modalities include computer work, person to person motor-cognition work and neurofeedback.
If an individual is having attentional or learning problems, tutoring or drill and practice in academic areas are often not effective.The principle underlying cognitive brain training is to help improve the “core” abilities and self-control necessary before an individual can function successfully academically. The exercises “drill for skill” directly in the areas where basic specific cognitive difficulties occur.
Brain Training is like exercise for the brain with specific exercises for specific neuropsychological functions or deficits. The key is to build neuronal connections. Activities that include a motor and cognitive component may work best but the research is not to a degree that one can assert Brain Training is yet an Evidence Based Treatment. In a few years, we’ll surely know more.
Research is ongoing as to what forms of brain training are effective. The key is to personalize your choice of program. The methodology of the program needs to meet the needs of your child. Does your child have attention challenges? Is their issue inhibition? Reading social cues? Staying on topic? Dyslexia?
This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method”. Used in practice for a number of years, The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world.
If you know, love or teach children who struggle with their math facts and factors, playing math can help. Using motor movement as a platform on which we build cognitive skills is a meaningful beginning.
Teaching children sequencing skills through narration, visualization and play are a solid beginning. Listen in with Ginny of understood.org and see how you can change the trajectory of children’s math learning through planning, sequential processing, movement and musical rhythm. CLICK ON IMAGE TO PLAY VIDEO.
Why is math confusing for some children? A Few Key Points.
Mathematics is cognitive processing + language.
Currently beginning in Pre-K, we teach math by introducing symbology 1-100.
We may regard manipulatives and movement as “extras” not necessities because we do not understand how the brain uses visual, tactile, motor and auditory cues to learn.
We wish to use what the brain knows best, that is sensory processing, patterns, tempo, rhythm, and timing to enhance cognition and learning.
When we layer cognition on motor movement, children have a physical platform on which to scaffold cognition.
The brain relies on perceptual and sensory input for learning, we need to optimize neurobiology to enhance learning.
Math engages thinking skills, that require the use of imagery, imagination, and language.
When we teach numeracy concepts and executive function skills first, the children are ready to learn. They are prepared to think, strategize and rely on previously stored knowledge.
When we encourage the children to become “cognitive scientists” and be their brains “best helpers” they are motivated, engaged and feel confident.
Written for teachers, educators, and clinicians whose work involves playing, talking or teaching children who would benefit from better executive function and social-emotional learning skills, 70 Play Activities incorporates over 100 research studies into printable worksheets, handouts, and guided scripts with step-by-step directions, to empower children to learn and behave better. “With 70 Play Activities we aim to improve the trajectory of children’s learning by integrating the newest neuroscience with activities children love!” With over 70 activities designed to improve thinking, self-regulation, learning and behavior, your tool-kit will be full and your creative brain will be inspired to craft your own meaningful exercises. 70 Play Activities is available at amazon.com
Almost all kids love to play outdoors. And the fun sports, play equipment and activities that may be explored outdoors also provide wonderful opportunities for children to strengthen motor skills. As the temperatures rise to more comfortable levels, encourage kids to head outdoors for playtime instead of staring at the screens and playing with tech devices indoors.
According to the American Heart Association, all children need at least 60 minutes of “moderate to vigorous intensity aerobic activity every day.” Many activities on local playgrounds help kids reach this vital heart-healthy goal, and these activities also do double-duty by improving gross or fine motor skills. So what’s the difference between fine and gross motor skills? The Babycenter.com editorial team offers this easy primer to take the mystique out of motor skills: “fine motor skills are small movements — such as picking up small objects and holding a spoon — that use the small muscles of the fingers, toes, wrists, lips, and tongue. Gross motor skills are the bigger movements — such as rolling over and sitting — that use the large muscles in the arms, legs, torso, and feet.”
According to Parents.com, most kids master many fine motor skills by age five. Gross motor skills often are fairly developed by age six, but every child is different. Some kids naturally need more help in fine and/or gross motor skills. To help your little one master their muscles, engage them in these fun activities:
Sports
Parents don’t need a big field to get kids to play sports. Yes, the extra space helps. However, kids also can play a few games in their own backyard. Soccer is probably the easiest to play in the backyard. Just set up a few goals and have kids play mini games. Playing soccer helps kids learn to dribble the ball with their feet and improves gross motor skills. Running also gets the heart pumping! Families that have a basketball hoop in the driveway (or back patio) should encourage kids to practice dribbling and shooting baskets. Join in the fun and challenge kids one-on-one…or kids versus parent(s).
Playground Play
Your local park offers some of the best activities to strengthen motor skills. Local playgrounds are home to the equipment kids love, but those swings, slides and monkey bars also hide benefits within their fun! When kids crawl through tunnels connecting areas of the playground, the movement helps strengthen core muscles.
Even climbing the stairs to get to the slide helps kids improve gross motor, although most kids won’t master climbing until around two years of age.
Jumping Rope or Hula Hooping
Credit: omgimages
Teach kids how to jump rope and help them practice balance and coordination; this is a skill that also helps the heart…jumping rope is great cardio! Kids also can improve muscle coordination and balance by hula hooping. Keeping the hoop in motion takes practice and skill!
Fine Motor Skills and Fun for Rainy Days
Even if you can’t make it outside, kids can work on fine motor skills indoors. Need a few fun suggestions? Try cotton ball hockey. Set up goals on either end of a long table or on hard floors. Have kids use straws to try to blow cotton balls into the goals. Whoever gets all their cotton balls into the goal first wins! Holding the straws helps fingers practice the pincher grasp, and blowing helps strengthen “oral motor” abilities.
For kids who need a little sweet reward, Tools to Grow OT recommends having kids practice tiny motor movements by picking up small candies or pieces of trail mix with tweezers and placing them in a cup or jar. You can also use chocolate chips! This is a great game to use if kids receive candy for a holiday or special occasion and parents are left with open bags of candy that need to be contained…enlist kids to help cleanup and work fine motor skills at the same time!
Kids of all ages can boost fine and gross motor skills through everyday fun activities. Gross motor skills help kids run, jump and play at recess and physical education classes, and those tiny hands must master fine motor skills to cut, trace and grasp a pencil. Work with little ones to practice the skills they need to flourish in the classroom, on the playground…and in life!
We have heard the stories in the news all the time—some say kids are “overscheduled” and need more time to play. On the other side, parents of the “tiger mom” variety tend to want their children constantly in activities and lessons to encourage their growth and development.
Until recently, the one voice you hadn’t heard on this topic was the one of science. Child development researchers are now trying to delve into this topic and understand the relationship between structured activities and children’s development.
In one of the first studies of this kind, researchers at The University of Colorado (CU) looked at the connection between how kids spend their time (structured vs. unstructured activities) and the development of executive function.
As you may know, executive function is one of the key regulatory skills that develops during childhood and is crucial to children’s success and well-being later in life. Executive function includes things like planning ahead, goal-oriented behavior, suppression of unwanted thoughts or behaviors, and delaying gratification. These skills have been shown to predict children’s academic and social outcomes years down the road. Based on this, you can see why researchers (and parents) are interested in understanding anything related to how executive function develops.
In the recent CU study, scientists asked 6-year-olds to record their daily activities for a week. They then categorized these activities as “structured” or “unstructured” according to a classification system previously developed by economists.
For example, activities such as sports lessons, religious activities, and chores were classified as “structured activities.” In contrast, activities such as free play (alone or with others), sightseeing, or media use were considered “less structured.” Routine activities such as going to school, sleeping, or eating were not classified in either category.
The researchers then analyzed the relationship between children’s time activities and their level of executive function. The results showed that there was, indeed, a correlation between these factors. The more time children spent in structured activities, the lower their scores on the assessment of executive function. In contrast, the more time children spent in less structured activities, the higher their assessment of executive function.
First of all, it’s important to note that this is just one study in what I hope will be a whole line of research in this area. In social science, you cannot base recommendations on one study.
Secondly, this study was small (70 children) and was only correlational, meaning we do not know if structured vs. unstructured activities cause a change in executive function or if there is something else going on here. What this study does show is that there is some relationship between these factors that deserves further study.
What does this really mean? How could unstructured activities help in the development of executive function? Although researchers do not know for sure, it seems like this may be related to the research on boredom. More and more studies are showing how “boredom” or what adults would simply call “downtime” is related to a variety of positive mental states.
Additionally, some would argue that a lack of downtime or time for boredom allows kids to become so accustomed to a fast-paced lifestyle that anything less-than-exciting seems uninteresting. One philosopher put it this way,
“A life too full of excitement is an exhausting life, in which continually stronger stimuli are needed to give the thrill that has come to be thought an essential part of pleasure.”
All of this is definitely food for thought in terms of parenting. While we do not know for sure how these factors impact each other, it looks like there is some relationship between level of structured activities and the development of executive function. This is something to consider as you plan activities for your child.
The next time your child says, “I’m bored” consider looking at it as an opportunity to support their creativity and problem-solving abilities.
Physical activity helps children grow strong bones, maintain a healthy weight and discover the world around them. Best of all, it’s great fun.
All children should be physically active for at least one hour a day. You can help by encouraging your child to find activities they enjoy, and by building physical activity into family life. Most children love running around a park or playing in a playground.
One reason why physical activity in childhood is so important is because it helps your child to maintain a healthy weight.
But that’s not the only reason. Physical activity is a part of the way children discover the world and themselves. It helps to build strong muscles and healthy bones, as well as to improve self-confidence.
You can find advice on eating well and getting active as a family at the Change4Life website.
Bristol University’s professor of exercise and health sciences, Ken Fox, has 10 suggestions that can make exercise fun for all the family.
Ten activity tips for children
1. Walk or cycle to and from school with the kids as often as possible. Read about the health benefits of cycling.
2. Build a den or treehouse with them in the school holidays. Or, under supervision, encourage them to climb a tree or two.
3. Go roller skating, roller blading or skateboarding, indoor or out. In winter, go ice skating. Kids also love scooters.
4. Do an activity challenge together, such as working towards a fun run or a walk for charity.
5. Take the dog for a walk. If you don’t have one of your own, ask to borrow a neighbour’s or friend’s dog and take it for a walk.
6. Support your kids in sports, clubs or any other activities that may interest them. Joining a weekend club sport ensures commitment to a team and regular exercise. Find all kinds of sporting facilities in your area (*in the UK).
7. Find time every weekend to do something active with your children. Play frisbee or football in the park, go trampolining or try indoor rock climbing.
9. Try a beach holiday. When they hit the sand, children find a multitude of ways to exercise, including games, swimming and plenty of running around. Or try an activity-based holiday. Read more about healthy holidays with children and activity holidays.
When we layer cognition on motor movement, children have a physical platform on which to scaffold cognition.
