Posted by Michele Borba, Ed.D. on August 14, 2023 · Leave a Comment
“I tried to stay calm, but it was too late!”
“I wish I could tell when I’m about to explode.”
“Don’t keep telling me I’m going to lose all my friends because of my temper. I can’t help it.”
Your child may be more excitable or passionate by nature, but some times this emotional temperament can get out of control.
Though you can’t change your kid’s basic personality, you can teach him some strategies and skills to help him get along and handle intense feelings. And there are important reasons to do so.
Let’s face it, hot tempers can cause serious damage in health, relationships, school and life, as well as ruin your kid’s reputation. Unless kids learn ways to recognize their own unique danger signs to control their anger, problems are inevitable. After all, hot-tempered kids are no fun to be around.
New studies show that hot tempered kids are also more likely to be bullied or be a bully.
All the reasons to work on this issue problem A.S.A.P. Here are some ways.
Part 1: “Parent Plan” to Help Kids Tune Into Body Alarms
Explain Body Temper Alarms
Go over the way you use your child act when she’s starting to get mad. “You always make that little hissing noise and grind your teeth. Sometimes you stamp your feet. Those are your danger signs that big trouble might be on the way.”
HINT: Each child (as well as you) has their own physiological signs. Those signs materialize whenever we’re under stress and have a fight or flight response. The trick is to help your child identify her unique signs before she loses her temper.
Don’t expect instant recognition: it may take a week or two before she can identify her signs.
Dig Deeper
Talk to your child about what’s causing her temper to flare so quickly.
“You don’t seem like the same kid lately. Anything you want to talk about?”
“You seem so tense and quick-tempered with your friends. What’s going on?”
“I know the move was really tough. Do you think that’s at the bottom of your bad temper lately?”
Point Out Negative Effects
Take time to discuss the negative effects of inappropriate anger displays. Here is a sample dialogue, but personalize it to fit your child and the anger issues:
“Anger can really hurt you. You could lose a friend, get a bad reputation, lose a job, get suspended from school, get hurt. If you don’t control your temper you could be headed for danger and lose your friends.”
Pinpoint the specific negative effects your child’s outbursts have. Doing so often helps the child gain that inner strength to want to change.
Brainstorm Temper Triggers
Help your child recognize the things that bug him the most so he can handle the situation better when he’s with his friends.
“I noticed that whenever George starts exaggerating you hit the roof.”
“What is about the way Lori criticizes your hair I can see your blood pressure rising.”
Help your kid identify that certain look, unfairness, not sharing, interrupting, telling secrets behind your back, put-downs and other things that make his blood boil so he can avoid setting off his temper.
Part 2: “Kid Plan” to Learn Temper Alarms
It may be a great revelation when you tell your child that her body actually sends out warning signs when a hot-temper attack is approaching. Tell her how it happens to you:
“My face gets flushed. My hearts starts beating faster. It’s harder for me to breath. My voice gets louder and I can’t think straight. Body temper alarms like these happen to everyone when they get angry and begin to lose their temper. But good news! You can stop yourself before the volcano erupts.”
Then teach your child these important steps. The best way to teach any new skill is to SHOW the skill, not TELL. So be the model! Repetition, repetition, repetition is how kids acquire the skill so they can use it on their own.
Step 1. Hear the bells going off. LISTEN
Whenever things are getting rough, pay very close attention to changes in your body. Everyone is different but usually alarms go off in your body that warn you that if you’re starting to lose control. So be on the alert for any familiar body signs that you might be losing your temper.
Step 2. Hit the snooze control. STOP
Even a few seconds pause are enough to stop your temper from exploding or keep you from doing something you may regret later on.
Find what works for you. Some kids pull a big stop sign in front of their eyes or yell, “Stop” inside their heads. It will help you put the brakes on your temper.
Some kids say to themselves: “Chill out.” Or “I can keep my cool.”
Step 3. Turn down the volume. BREATHE
Once you’ve told yourself to keep under control you have to take a slow deep breath. You can slow down your heart rate and get yourself back in control by taking slow, deep breaths.
Step 4. Get back into tune. SEPARATE
Back off from whatever is about to blow up in your face. You could count to 10 (or to 100); hum a few bars of the Star Spangled Banner, think of a pepperoni pizza or gaze up in the sky or whatever it takes to regain your sense of calm.
Word to parents: Do not expect overnight success! Teaching a child to calm a hot temper and learn to identify his unique body temper alarms will take 3 Cs: Consistency, Commitment and Calmness. Aim for gradual diminishment of the temper. If temper outbursts continue or escalate despite your efforts, then it’s time to seek professional help. Meanwhile, don’t forget to use those four steps yourself:
- Listen
- Stop
- Breathe
- Separate
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Across the nation, student mental health is plummeting, major depression rates among teens and young adults are rising faster than among the overall population, and younger children are being impacted. As a teacher, educational consultant, and parent for 40 years, Dr. Michele Borba has never been more worried than she is about this current generation of kids. In THRIVERS, Dr. Borba explains why the old markers of accomplishment (grades, test scores) are no longer reliable predictors of success in the 21st century – and offers 7 teachable traits that will safeguard our kids for the future. She offers practical, actionable ways to develop these Character Strengths (confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism) in children from preschool through high school, showing how to teach kids how to cope today so they can thrive tomorrow. THRIVERS is now available at amazon.com.
