6 Parenting Behaviors That Hurt Kids: How to Recognize & Fix Them

THE REALITY CHECK:

• Referees giving parents lollipops at youth hockey games to stop them from yelling at their kids.
• Teachers taking out insurance policies to defend themselves against parental lawsuits (“She gave my kid a B+ and ruined his Harvard chance!”)
• Moms socially engineering kid “cliques to feature only the ‘best’ and leaving out other Moms.”

No kidding! These are the stories I’ve been collecting and have shared on the TODAY show. And these are real issues that are affecting our children’s character. Here’s what to do. ENOUGH!

Parents behaving badly is a timeless problem, but there’s a modern-day category of ill-behaving Moms and Dads who could easily earn membership in the Parents Wall of Shame. Their actions are insensitive, manipulative and callous, but also impact kids. Make no mistake, uncivil adult behaviors affect children’s moral development. After all, kids learn values like compassion, honesty, sportsmanship, civility, and respect from example. And oh how today’s kids desperately need good role models! But grownup insensitivity also affects other parents who should be around supportive, civil-minded adults! Here are six bad parenting behaviors that are affecting our kids’ character …and solutions.

#1. The Braggart

New Child and Parent Motto: “Share and take turns.”

Whether it’s bragging about our kid’s grades, talent, or athletic feats, parents love to boast! One survey found that the average mom posts a whooping 1,000 photos of their child online before he turns five. Of course we are proud of our kids, but always bragging, constantly comparing, or continually dismissing other children’s accomplishments also lower the other parent’s confidence. Parental boasting and bragging may be one reason today’s teen narcissism increased 58 percent in 30 years. Watch out! Kids copy what they see and hear and it’s not always pretty and polite.

Solution: Parental pride is natural, so when a parent who rarely boasts finally does, she deserves our sincere “Congrats.” If bragging is usually one-sided and rarely considers your child’s accolades, try: “Isn’t it wonderful how well our kids are doing? Mine just…” (and then describe your pride).

But what if the parent continues her exclusive “My kid is so special” routine and you want to maintain your relationship? Speak up and explain your side: “You always brag about your child and never ask about mine. I feel you don’t care about my family.” If that doesn’t work, find another friend! Pride about our kids should always be a two-way club.

#2. The Bad Sport

New Child and Parent Motto: “Be a good sport or you can’t play.”

A Reuters News poll found that 60 percent of American adults who’d been to youth sporting events said they’d witnessed parents “become verbally or physically abusive towards the coaches or officials.” But there’s also parents screaming at their kids’ performance and booing the opposing team. No wonder nearly 75 percent of kids who play organized sports quit by age 13!

Yes, parents make huge investments in sports in hopes of scholarships and college entries, but bad behavior teaches poor sportsmanship and also undermine kids’ love for the game. Enough!

Solution: Unacceptable adult behavior can’t be ignored, but …

Confronting offensive parents can be a potential fireball. Better to move your seat, and approach cooled-down troublemakers later to share your concerns. Beware!

Many leagues and schools require parents to sign pre-season sportsmanship pledges and attend mandatory “ethics” courses or their kids can’t play. Spectators can then report inappropriate parental behavior to officials who can notify the offenders that uncivil behavior can mean banishment from games.

Meanwhile can we please be positive and remember to cheer the whole team, entire class, the other kid, not just our child? Please!

#3. The Gossip

New Child and Parent Motto: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it!”

Think Queen Bees were confined to the middle school hive? Many adults never outgrew their mean childhood antics and now gossip about other parents. Those sordid details also show up on social media with no way for parents to defend themselves. While gossiping can be a way to connect with others and find reassurance about your parenting, cattiness is toxic. It’s easy to get caught in the gossip mill and spread hurtful rumors. Beware: kids pick up our behavior and mimic us. It’s a big reason the Mean Girl Tween Scene is flourishing.

Solution: Make a vow not to gossip. If you do hear cattiness, speak up: ‘It isn’t fair to talk about her when she isn’t here to defend herself.” And never give out information that a catty parent can use against you or others or assume that she won’t spread untruths about you. Meanwhile, find like-minded parents and join forces. Together, you can change norms.

#4. The Excluder

New Child and Parent Motto: “How would you feel if that happened to you?”

Deliberately leaving others out is called social exclusion, and is a form of bullying that causes deep distress. It peaks in middle school, but the tactic is all-too common with moms these days (“She’s cool and can join us.” “Don’t let Shelley come!”) But the excluded aren’t only women, but also their kids. One report described one mom who saved eight bus seats for 11-year girls. (She literally jumped on the bus and roped off the seats!) When a new girl asked if she could join “those girls,” the child was told “Sorry, but those seats are reserved.” Adults who socially engineering the “in” and “out” cliques for kids, are being plain cruel.

Solution:

Just plain refuse to join grownup Queen Bees. The best way to cultivate empathy is for parents to demand that kids treat others with dignity, and then show that you are inclusive.

To other Moms: “Let’s invite her! She just moved here.” Do the same with your child: “Invite all the boys: you don’t leave one out.” “Ask Abby to come!” How would you feel as a new kid?”

You might not be BFFs with every mom, but you will set a great example for your child. And that’s what matters!

#5. The Non-Disciplinarian

New Child and Parent Motto: “Be nice, or you can’t play.”

“I don’t discipline because I don’t want to damage my child’s self-esteem,” I hear from countless parents. While wanting to be a “Pal Not a Parent” is a hot trend, correcting misbehavior is part of raising good people. So how do you discipline when a misbehaving child is in your care?

Solution: While you don’t want to counter a parent’s child-rearing philosophy, if behavior is dangerous, harmful to others (like hitting, biting, bullying) or counters your values, you can’t ignore it.

You can review your rules: “In our house we don’t swear,” and separate kids from each other, but spanking, grounding, or yelling the “other child” are off-limits.

If the parent is present, disciplining their child is also a no-no. If misbehavior continues, call the parent: “I’m sure you would want to know so this is what our kids were up to.” Her child will give his interpretation, so better it come from you. Just don’t expect the parent to take your side. Do beware parental litigations are rising. Manhattan play groups ask parents to sign four-page waivers so they won’t be sued when supervising the other parents’ kids! It’s a very different world to raise kids!

#6. The Bully

New Child and Parent Motto: “Expect respect!”

Bullying is hurtful whatever the age, and it is always intentional-delivered cruelty. Nightmare stories continually surface about parents verbally abusing other moms and dads-both online and off. Bullying is learned and can be unlearned. The sooner we show kids how to stand up for themselves, the less likely they’ll be targeted.

Solution: Use my CALM Strategy for handling a bully of any age.

C – Stay calm. (Bullies love reactions).

A – Assert yourself with a strong (never insulting) comeback back: “Cut it out.” Or: “Stop it!”

L – Look bully in the eye.

M – Mean it! Deliver the line with a firm, confident, serious voice.

Practicing CALM with your child will help reduce peer cruelty.

Raising good people starts with adults modeling good character, and many grown-ups are in need of serious behavior makeovers.

Meanwhile, let’s take our own Reality Check and ask ourselves: “If my kid watched only my behavior, what would he have caught today?” That answer will say volumes about your child’s character development.

What are your worst nightmare stories that involve parents? How did you handle them?

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Teens today are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—along with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? First, it hurts kids’ academic performance and leads to bullying behaviors. Also, it correlates with more cheating and less resilience. And once children grow up, it hampers their ability to collaborate, innovate and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the global economy. The good news? Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured. UnSelfie is a blueprint for parents and educators who want activate our children’s hearts and shift their focus from I, me, and mine… to we, us, and ours. It’s time to include “empathy” in our parenting and teaching! UnSelfie is AVAILABLE NOW at amazon.com.

3 Ways Music Improves Kids’ Learning, Relationships & Confidence

When we think of music, often what comes to mind is song. We may think of Broadway musicals, Bach or Justin Timberlake. In our minds, we might imagine orchestras or pianists.

 

Music has been central to civilization for thousands of years. In fact, before we had language we used musical tones and sounds to communicate. The tone of a grunt signaled a message in our prehistoric ancestors, while the beat of a drum brought village people together in unity far and wide. What we think of a little less often is what music is made of and how it impacts our learning, behavior and social relationships.

Music is all around us as we hear the subway cling and clatter, the pitter-patter of our children’s footsteps and the ambient noise inherent in life. Music engages our sensory, motor and auditory pathways in the brain fostering engagement and synchronicity (Patel & Iverson, 2014).

Curiously, the ability to synchronize with a beat is associated with learning language and grammar (Corriveau & Goswami, 2009; Gordon et al., 2015). At its core music is made of beats and rhythms that create sound, melody and even movement. These beats and rhythms are meaningful scaffolds we can use in school, at home and in life to enhance foundational aspects of our learning, behavior and character.

Here are three ways to incorporate music into your family life to foster growth in learning, behavior, confidence, social relationships and character.

TRUST – Engaging in music with your children, classmates and workmates can enhance a sense of cohesion, emotional safety and trust. Our brains and bodies love to entrain, that is, join together in synchrony with others. Moving, tapping and singing in synchrony provide us with a felt-sense of togetherness, safety and trust. Consider for a moment, the smile on an infant’s face as he plays clapping games with his mother. Think about your own emotions as you walk by a classroom of students harmonizing in song.

“Musical engagement provides opportunities to improve social cohesion, psychological safety and trust in our relationships.”

What can you do? Sing more with others. Whether acapella, with the radio or as you complete your tasks of daily living, turn up the music and sing along. Choose songs that are known to all and enjoy the feeling of camaraderie and togetherness as you sing out that tune, together.

LEARNING – Even if you aren’t a musical performer, songs, chants, poems and raps are a wonderful way to learn academic knowledge. Music provides a rhythmic foundation on which to layer information in order to encode it and make it learned knowledge. Further, consistent beats, specifically in 4/4 time, stimulate the brain’s natural interest, comfort and familiarity with patterns and sequences. Help your children learn their math facts, historical knowledge, literature and foreign language saying simple repetitive words with rhythm for better encoding and retrieval of learned knowledge.

“We are musical beings, even our neurons fire like an orchestra.”

MOVE IT – Clapping, tapping, stepping, marching and bouncing to a beat provide a firm scaffold on which to layer learning. Start by clapping or stepping to a simple quarter note at 85-120 beats per minute and increase tempo as the children become familiar with the beat.

On the downbeat add the content to be learned, for example, C-A-T CAT. You can also say the words syllabically, HO – USE HOUSE with a double clap on the fourth beat. Imagine learning your history facts to a beat, “Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, created Thanksgiving Day, he championed for freedom, as the children played.” Mix and match beats with rhythm, movements, sounds and words for an engaging social experience. The words can rhyme, but they don’t have to.

Music is magical. It has the ability to help us calm or energize, connect and reflect, enhancing our thinking skills, learning and character by engaging us as musical and prosocial beings.

Enjoy building confidence, character, and social connections as you chant, sing, move, and create to the sounds of music.

For more musical learning ideas see Musical Thinking and 70 Play Activities for Better Thinking, Self-Regulation, Learning and Behavior.

References:

• Corriveau K, Goswami U. (2009). Rhythmic motor entrainment in children with speech and language impairments: tapping to the beat. Cortex, 45: 119–130.
• Gordon R, Shivers C, Wieland E, Kotz S, Yoder P, McAuley J. (2015). Musical rhythm discrimination explains individual differences in grammar skills in children. Developmental Science, 18: 635–644.
• Patel, A. D., & Iversen, J. R. (2014). The evolutionary neuroscience of musical beat perception: the Action Simulation for Auditory Prediction (ASAP) hypothesis. Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience, 8, 57.

Helpful websites:

www.letsplaymusicsite.com

http://thekiboomers.com

https://meludia.com/en/

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Written for teachers, educators, and clinicians whose work involves playing, talking or teaching children who would benefit from better executive function and social-emotional learning skills, 70 Play Activities incorporates over 100 research studies into printable worksheets, handouts, and guided scripts with step-by-step directions, to empower children to learn and behave better. “With 70 Play Activities we aim to improve the trajectory of children’s learning by integrating the newest neuroscience with activities children love!” With over 70 activities designed to improve thinking, self-regulation, learning and behavior, your tool-kit will be full and your creative brain will be inspired to craft your own meaningful exercises. 70 Play Activities is available at amazon.com

 

Empowering Children Through Chores

Service Dogs in Schools? What Do You Need to Know?

There are many questions and concerns involving the use of Service Dogs by children in schools, but it is becoming a recurring theme in the news of late. So I decided to write a post about it to better educate parents in case this becomes an issue in your school. What are the pros and cons? Do the pros outweigh the cons? Are there risks to your child both physically and educationally by having a dog in the classroom? These are all topics I would like to discuss with you, because I think they are important.

So I think the first step needs to be precisely defining what a Service Dog is, and what their role is for a person with disabilities. And I think it is important to explain that not all disabilities that require a Service Dog are visible.

That being said, in layman’s terms, a Service Dog (or SD) is a dog that has been specifically trained to perform certain TASKS that allow the owner with disabilities the ability to live a full and independent life. What do I mean by ‘tasks”? Let’s break it down into obvious and not-so obvious disabilities (visible –vs- invisible) that allow a person to function and perform what we call ‘daily living skills.’

Obvious Disabilities:

• Someone in a wheelchair may have a dog that pulls the wheelchair for them.
• Someone who has difficulty walking due to certain medical conditions (such as Multiple Sclerosis or Cerebral Palsy) may use their dog to lean on to get them from one place to another. (Also known as a Mobility Support Animal)
• Someone who is blind may have a guide dog.

Not-So-Obvious Disabilities:

• Someone who suffers from seizures may have a seizure alert dog. Under ‘typical’ circumstances, they look just like everyone else and you would never know they have a debilitating disability. But this dog can save their life. The dog cannot stop the seizure from actually happening, but by ‘alerting’ their person (often with a touch or a whine or bark) that a seizure is imminent…. it allows the person time to get themselves into a safe position (ie: lying down or out of the shower or tub) so when the seizure hits, they do not fall from a standing position, causing a possible head injury, or drown in a shower or tub.
• Someone who suffers from diabetes may have a diabetic alert dog. The dog is trained to ‘alert’ their person if their glucose levels becomes very low, or too high. Unlike the seizure alert dog, where the dog cannot physically stop the seizure from happening, by alerting their person that their sugar levels have changed, it enables the person time they would not have had before to check their sugar levels and correct the situation before it can become dangerous.

Put yourself in the shoes of the parent of the children who suffer these disabilities (and many others….. there are just too many to list) and ask yourselves this: if you had a child with some of these issues, how much comfort would it give you to know that they have a constant ‘early detection device’ with them at all times?

I have touched on some of the life-saving ‘pro’s’ of the child having their Service Dog with them. But here are a few other benefits:

• Integration into everyday life: A child with disabilities can easily feel ostracized or different from other people. This may make them shy, insecure, fearful, and at times unable to talk to or connect with their peers that they see as ‘normal’. They are more open to taunting and bullying. I mentioned in a previous post how I was once so painfully insecure, I did not know how to approach or talk to people. What I did not mention was that had it not been for my Golden Retriever Radar, I doubt I would have made it to or through my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting! In my mind, it was just one more group of people that would reject me! But amazingly, walking in with my dog broke the ice. People approached ME and asked me questions, which opened up that line of communication I so desperately needed!
• Independence: If you are anything like me, asking for help is never an easy thing. I like to be self-reliant. So imagine having to constantly ask for help with things, and what a toll that might take on your self-esteem and confidence daily? Now imagine having something that suddenly allows you to do for yourself what you previously always had to ask others to do for you? Can you imagine the sense of freedom that would give you?

I want to share with you here a wonderful short video that can show you first-hand (From the perspective of both a parent and a child) how a service dog can drastically change the life of a child.

So what we have focused on until now are the positives for the parent and child WITH disabilities. So if you are a parent who has a child with disabilities, this post may open new doors for you!! After reading this, you may have never thought of getting a Service Dog for your child, and this may have shed some light on some of the wonderful advantages your child may enjoy by obtaining a Service Dog! If you are interested in learning more about obtaining a service dog for your child, there are numerous organizations that specialize in training Service Dogs specifically for children such as Canines For Kids and 4 Paws for Ability.

But what if you do not have a child that suffers from disabilities, how can having a SD in a classroom affect your child?

First off, it is important to understand that the training that goes into a Service Dog is quite different from the training you would get for an everyday pet. It begins the same way, with basic housebreaking and commands, but after that, it becomes very different. Depending on the type of Service Dog required, some Service Dog training companies such as CCI (Canine Companions for Independence) or the Guide Dog Foundation begin training at eight weeks old or younger. The pups are raised by people or families known as ‘puppy raisers’ where they learn things like the basic commands, leash manners, and are brought into numerous different situations to acclimate them to things like sudden loud noises, (such as cheering at a ball game) flickering lights (such as in a movie theater) constant action (like in a mall or store) or even sudden applause (like at a show.) Then at 18 months, they are brought back to the facility where they came from for extensive training, where they learn specific tasks, like pulling a wheelchair, turning lights on and off, picking things up when they fall on the floor, etc. I will add here that an any given time, the facility may determine that a dog is NOT suitable for this type of work, (they may be a bit too energetic, or may be easily distracted…. all traits that could be very dangerous for the person depending on them!) and their SD training ends there. After about a year of this extensive training, they are finally matched with their eventual owner/handler and for the next six to eight months, the dog/handler team work together at the facility on the challenges the specific owner has that requires the Service Dog’s assistance.

Some Service Dogs, again, depending on the situations the dog is needed for, may be owner taught, or the owner may have hired a professional trainer to make their current dog a Service Dog. Back in 2017, all Service Dogs were required to pass a Service Dog Public Access Test to be recognized as a SD. Although the requirements are a bit less strict these days, many still receive specialized training, similar to that which was previously required. If you are interested in learning more about this test, and the training dogs receive to pass it, you can watch this video on the requirements to pass the test.

So safety-wise, your child should not be at risk having a Service Dog that’s received training by a professional trainer in your child’s school, because the standards for training a Service Dog are quite high!

However, there are some potential risks to your child health-wise. For example, if your child has severe allergies to dogs, this may make it very difficult for your child to be in an enclosed environment (such as a classroom) with one.

And educationally… it may cause some issues for your child as well. Let’s face it….having a dog in a classroom (even an extremely well behaved dog, doing nothing but lying quietly next to the child’s desk) can be a major distraction for the first few weeks or months…. especially for a child who is easily distractible to begin with. (Think about the words to Mary Had A Little Lamb…. “It made the children laugh and play to see a lamb at school.’)

And lastly, we don’t want to forget about the child who is deathly afraid of dogs! Especially since most dogs trained to work with children tend to be on the larger size for stability reasons.

So how can we make this a win-win situation where everyone is happy? By following some simple guidelines right from the start:

If it is your child’s dog:

• Make sure the school is aware that your child will have a Service Dog with them before the term begins.
• The school has quite enough to do ensuring the safety and well-being of every child in their care. It is not their responsibility to walk, clean up after, or take care of the dog. So you must make sure that either your child can fully tend to their own dog (taking them to potty and cleaning up after them, giving them water, etc.) or make sure to arrange for yourself or someone outside of the school staff to take care of them periodically throughout the day.
• Prepare your child for different scenarios that may come up and coach your child on how to handle them. For example, kids will be curious, and do not know how to ‘sensor’ questions the way adults learn to, so your child may be asked, “What’s wrong with you that you need a dog?” Explain that the child may not necessarily be trying to be cruel, but probably just curious. You can also prepare your child on what to do if someone comes up to pet the dog, or asks to pet the dog. (It might help to have a “Working: Do Not Pet” patch on the dog’s vest.)
• Be aware of your child’s rights to have their dog with them in case you come across any difficulty and you need to advocate for your child. Be willing to be flexible and accommodating if another parent has a kid with severe allergies but is stead-fast on their child staying in a specific classroom for whatever reason. Remember, it is not about who is right and who is wrong here; it is about working together for the best outcome for all children involved.

Suggestions for the school:

• Send out notices to the parents regarding the presence of the dog several months prior to the start of the term. You can even ask the parent of the disabled child if they would like to create the first draft: it will save you hours of worry about wording it correctly and help them to protect their child’s privacy…at a minimum they’ll appreciate your making the effort. Also, sending notices early will give you time to identify any potential conflicts (i.e. if a child with severe allergies or a fear of dogs is scheduled to be in the same class). This will give you ample time to move one of the children into a different classroom prior to school beginning, or to allow parents the opportunity to ask any questions they may have.

Note: keep in mind the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) states: “Allergies and fear of dogs are not valid reasons for denying access or refusing service to people using service animals. When a person who is allergic to dog dander and a person who uses a service animal must spend time in the same room or facility, for example, in a school classroom or at a homeless shelter, they both should be accommodated by assigning them, if possible, to different locations within the room or different rooms in the facility.”

• Hold an assembly or at least a classroom meeting at the start of the year to explain to the children a few important guidelines and boundaries regarding the Service Dog. For example, the fact that the dog is not a pet, but that it is working, and the importance of them not petting or distracting the dog from its job. I find it helpful to explain to children that in this case, the dog is really no different than a wheelchair or crutches would be for a child. I have also found that many children are very excited and proud of their dogs, and the things their dog can do for them… so ask the child if they would like to participate and help talk to the children about their dog. This may also avoid a situation like I mentioned above…. Questions being asked out of curiosity that may hurt a child’s feelings.

If you have a non-disabled child that will be in a class with a SD:

• Talk to your child in advance about there being a Service Dog in the classroom to help a child who needs assistance. Ask for their input if they feel this would make it too distracting for them, and really listen to their answers. Remember, the parent of the disabled child is looking out for the best interest of their child by having the dog; you have to look out for the best interest of yours! It is not a matter of not caring about the other child, but remember, you are always your child’s best advocate! And your child has rights too.
• Encourage them to ask you if they have any questions, and if you are not sure of the answer, spend time with them researching the answer online.

In conclusion, I will wrap this up by saying that it is important to remember that every single child matters! Each child has their own set of strengths and weaknesses that make them special and unique. If we all work together, we can create a safe, loving, caring, and happy environment and future for each and every one of them!

Difficult Getting Students to Focus? Try the Flashlight Technique

“How do I teach the flashlight technique” for re-directing attention in a “super easy way”.

As always, we begin with collaboration.

Talk with the child 1:1 in a kind and collaborative manner and tell him that you have been noticing he has difficulty keeping his attention focused on the work in class, ask him if he has noticed as well. Then have the “cognitive conversation” bringing to light an idea that might help.

Tell him that you once had a student named Max who taught you about imaginary flashlights. Max said that when his mind was drifting in class and he would catch himself, he would switch on an imaginary flashlight and point it where he needed to be focusing.

Ask the child if he thinks this might be helpful and talk with him about how you can help with questions and cueing prompts in class. Agree to the prompts, so that he feels helped and supported not humiliated in class. That’s it, super simple. A kind conversation, a social narrative story, and a plan, the two of you develop together, to help him learn how to alert, focus and sustain his attention.

Have The Cognitive Conversation

Teaching a child to use his flashlight is done in three steps:

1. Teaching the child to notice he is off-task.

Q: Where is your flashlight pointing?

2. Helping him alert his brain to salient information.

Q: Where does your flashlight need to point?

3. Pushing the re-engage button.

Prompt: You can use your flashlight to select what you need to focus on right now.

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Written for teachers, educators, and clinicians whose work involves playing, talking or teaching children who would benefit from better executive function and social-emotional learning skills, 70 Play Activities incorporates over 100 research studies into printable worksheets, handouts, and guided scripts with step-by-step directions, to empower children to learn and behave better. “With 70 Play Activities we aim to improve the trajectory of children’s learning by integrating the newest neuroscience with activities children love!” With over 70 activities designed to improve thinking, self-regulation, learning and behavior, your tool-kit will be full and your creative brain will be inspired to craft your own meaningful exercises. 70 Play Activities is available at amazon.com

Our Super-Successful Kids Are Struggling! How to Help Them Thrive

What if I told you that 1 out of every 3 kids age 6 to 11 is afraid that the Earth won’t exist when they grow up???

WHO are these children??? What if I told you that little kid you just kissed goodnight,,, who got an A on his test…who practiced her cello for hours… what if I told you they were the ones who said it. What if instead I told you they believed it and told NO ONE??? How is it possible this is happening??

Parents, meet the “Running on Empty” Generation – smart and dearly loved, inclusive and open-minded, well-educated with high aspirations for college and their future. From the outside everything you want and more for your child. But take a second look. These kids are less happy, more stressed, lonely, depressed, and suicidal than ANY other generation… and that was BEFORE COVID!

“We are college and career ready, but sure aren’t ‘human’ ready.” Erin, 16 years old

We are raising a generation of “strivers” – kids that are wonderful at reaching for the brass ring, but never feel good enough. We haven’t given them basic survival tools so when the real challenges hit, they often quit because they don’t have the inner reserve that helps them get through it…

“My parents do everything for me. My biggest worry when I leave home is that I’m going to flunk life.” 17-year-old straight-A student, headed for Yale

Surprisingly, despite today’s kids living through the most stressed time in known history – terrorism, lockdown drills, daily pandemic death counts, insurrections, food insecurity, failing power grids, climate crises and racial violence – some kids are not only surviving, but they’re also thriving.

They are bouncing back despite adversity. WHY?

In her new book THRIVERS, Dr. Michele Borba, Ed. D. shares with us the answer.

In the end, these kids – the Thrivers –manage adversity, develop healthy relationships, and embrace change. They are ready and deal proactively with whatever the world throws at them – even in uncertain times, not because of genes, GPA, IQ or a special skill or talent, but through reliance on a few character strengths they learned along the way that helped them steer their lives in a positive direction – helped them PICK THEMSELVES UP whenever their worlds came crashing down.

It is these seven essential Character Strengths that set Thrivers apart and set them up for happiness and greater accomplishment later in life. Self-confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism – each of these helps safeguard our kids against the depression and anxiety that threatens to derail them. And best of all, these strengths are not something we are born with: from toddler to teen, these can be taught!

But where should you start?? THRIVERS is organized into three parts allowing parent to focus on strengths by category. It’s helpful to understand your child’s “superpowers” – what they’re already good at and can nurture – as well as areas that could use further development.

Consider how you would rate your child on the following: 5 = always, 4 = frequently, 3 = sometimes, 2 = rarely, 1 = never

My Child:

1. Speaks mostly positively about herself, rarely negatively.
2. Displays concern and wants to help when someone is treated unfairly or unkindly.
3. Can be trusted to do the right thing and keep his word even when no one is looking.
4. Able to manage her own impulses and urges without adult help.
5. Intrigued or easy to motivate about trying something new, different, or surprising.
6. Does not become upset when something is difficult; rarely quits but keeps trying.
7. Can find the silver lining in a hardship or challenge.

As I’m sure you guessed each of these questions represents one of the 7 Character Strengths and is part of a longer assessment that will help you evaluate where your child is right now so you can determine which traits are their natural strengths and which traits need to be encouraged.

Know that these traits are cumulative: each character strength improves a child’s thriving potential as well as academic performance but is always more powerful when combined with another because they create a Multiplier Effect.

Self-Confidence + Curiosity increases self-knowledge and builds self-assuredness and creativity.

Self-Control + Perseverance boosts the chance of reaching a goal and achieving success.

Empathy + Curiosity helps find common ground and strengthens relationships.

At this point some of you may be thinking…yes this all sounds good, but bottom line, I’ve got to give my child every advantage so they can get into the right school because everything depends on that.

But does it? According to Dr. Borba these amazing, brilliant, talented kids are checking out – the urgency in writing this book came from an email from a distraught mom looking for help from her community:

“We have forty dead kids in two-and-a-half years to suicide within a twenty-mile radius. Most are white, affluent, high achieving males who did not use drugs but hung themselves. Most look like your kids and mine. The last seven have been females – two with guns.”

“It’s like we’re being produced to be test takers. We’re missing the pieces on how to be people.” Aaron, 12 years old

The epidemic of unhappy Strivers is real, but it’s not inevitable. We can do something about it. As Dr. Borba says “all our energy has gone into stretching kids’ cognitive abilities and neglecting their human side – the source of energy, joy, inspiration and meaning. The good news: focusing on character can flip that equation and teach your kids how to find happiness, calm and wonder in the world.“

But we NEED to pay attention… We SHOULD be worried… WE NEED to listen!!

“There’s an amazing amount of depression and anxiety. Seventy percent of my friends are in therapy; forty percent are on medication. We’re hurting but nobody does anything until another kid is suicidal.” Ava, 15 years old.

One last thought that I’d like to finish with. It is terrifying that our children – even the young ones – go to sleep worried about global warming, pandemics, racial violence, school shootings… the list goes on and on. It is even more terrifying that many of them don’t believe their generation will live to see the future. But there is something Dr. Borba’s book reminded me of that I’d like to share with you, and maybe you can share it with your kids.

Years ago a man named Fred Rogers brought optimism, love and hope to families across the country – and in these dark times we could all use a little of his outlook. With each new terror – each bombing, virus, terrorist attack, natural disaster, hate crime or mass shooting we wonder, “what shall we tell our children?” Fred Rogers had the perfect answer:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers, so many caring people in this world”.

My belief, and the reason I share this with all of you, is that this current generation of kids is in pain and they are struggling. Dr. Michele Borba (and THRIVERS) is one of the helpers.

Editors Note: all quotes included in this article, including those attributed to individual children and Fred Rogers can be found in THRIVERS: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine

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Across the nation, student mental health is plummeting, major depression rates among teens and young adults are rising faster than among the overall population, and younger children are being impacted. As a teacher, educational consultant, and parent for 40 years, Dr. Michele Borba has never been more worried than she is about this current generation of kids. In THRIVERS, Dr. Borba explains why the old markers of accomplishment (grades, test scores) are no longer reliable predictors of success in the 21st century – and offers 7 teachable traits that will safeguard our kids for the future. She offers practical, actionable ways to develop these Character Strengths (confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism) in children from preschool through high school, showing how to teach kids how to cope today so they can thrive tomorrow. THRIVERS is now available at amazon.com.

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